update. (:

I forgot to update in here, HAHA. Oops? :X I have to tell you something though, now that the stress is starting to come through, expect quite a number of real emotional posts from now on. I'm going through what I call the 'self-doubt' stage in life whereby I doubt every decision I make in my life and I'm unsure what path should I tread on. Sighs. I'm gonna sound so SO SO hypocrite saying this but I really really miss band.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME MAN! I willingly screw up the chance to enter band and now I'm kinda regreting it? Make up your mind man, WOMAN! :( urgh. I will die of self-frustration these days. WEEEEEE~

Okay, I'm really mad. :) OH! I forgot to tell you an important news. I MIGHT BE GETTING TWO NEW HAMSTER BABIES FROM MY FRIEND NELLI! ^^ ^^ Happy to the maximum? Now all I need is to get my mum's approval. WAY TO GO MAN AMELIA! :) YOU CAN DO IT. (talk about over optimistic.) My chances are pretty low though. :/

So yes, about today's events, well, there's really nothing much to say so I shall skip that part. HAHA. This blog is meant to share my feelings, not to give you a factual account of literally what's going on in my life so I guess you don't really need that? Oh yes, onto feelings now..

I feel like I've really changed ever since I've entered polytechnic. I've become more open-minded. I've become less vulgar and violent. (unless needed be) I've turned into a whole new me! ^^ The previous me would be so pessimistic and 'emo' and would constantly dwell on her mistakes while the present new me now is SO OPTIMISTC and have a real bright outlook on life! :) On the other hand, the old me used to be extremely direct and honest. Now, I feel like I'm just a shell of my former life. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve anymore. I don't get angry easily, and I take my own sweet time to work myself into a slow burning anger that will consume me from inside. I've really changed! I feel like one day my friends from secondary school won't even recognise me anymore. :) 

Am I happy about all of these changes? Honestly? Well, I would say that I'm not elated about some of them but I'm real happy about some. I LOVE IT WHEN SOME ACTIONS OF MINE TOUCH PEOPLE! Be it animals or humans, we all need love and affection. Sometimes, you've just gotta reach out a helping hand and give the friend or acquaintance you know a push. You never know when that push might be a breaking point in their life. IT MIGHT LITERALLY MAKE THEIR DAY!

These days, I've been thinking deeply to myself and as I looked at my friends around me, I can't help but wish that at some point of time in their life, I had touched them with my hearts and had opened the 'inner door' to their hearts. It's because at one point of my life, a girl with curls in her hair had befriended me, a loner back then, and had taught me friendship in a way I never knew.

:) Friendships are really strong, and I'm really thankful for that I have so many wonderful friends around me. I told myself sternly the other day, if I can't even be thankful for what I have, how can I even appreciate it? Now, you're wondering why this post is so long right? Well, that's cause I'm typing on desktop and not laptop, haha! I suck at typing on laptops.

Anyway, to answer Tingwei's questions on Facebook, yes, I'm gonna begin writing again. This time, however, I will just stick to one title and expand my ideas from there. For example, the previous story was based on these two words: Moving on.

Today's one is different though. Check it out. :)

Smile Smile いつも見ていて ずっと見ていて どんな時も
Smile Smile 信じていたい 感じていたい いつまでも
Smile Smile 嬉しい朝も 悲しい夜も 分かち合える
笑顔 忘れないよ
I can not live without you forever 

-Smile, Changin' My Life.

"He's gone already." I told myself as I gazed intently at the broken photograph on the table. Many a times, I had told myself to let go of him but have found myself being unable to do so, but today somehow, I could feel a change in me. I was different from before.

Letting the tears flow freely down my face, I picked up the photograph and gave it one last caress before I locked it in my red velvet box. Immediately, I was assaulted by an onslaught of memories.

"Do you know why I chose the colour red to give to you even though you told me that your favourite colour is black?" 

He asked me, eyes filled with sincerity. I swatted him playfully on the arm. The answer was obvious wasn't it? He just did not want to get me my favourite colour black. As though he could sense what I was thinking, he laughed at me and ruffled my hair affectionately.

"Hey! Do I look like that sort to you?" he questioned. I nodded my head vigorously before his gaze suddenly turned serious. 

With his eyes boring into mine, he said, "I bought the colour red because I want you to remember that this colour red will always be the colour of love, the colour of passion and the colour of life."

I still remember now that back then, I had found his reason absurd and started laughing at him. How ignorant was I at that time! I scolded myself once more as I swabbed my tears away using a tissue paper. I was losing him and I did not even know it!

Crumpling the tissue in my hands, I then carefully placed the red velvet box in a safe and locked it securely. In my opinion, that red velvet box was the thing that I treasured the most and it absolutely deserved the highest level of security.

Deciding to take a bath that I had not taken in a few days since his departure, I took a deep breath and stepped inside the bathroom. It still smelt of him. Crying, I lunged for his towel in front of me and pressed my nose into it. His smell was already fading. He was fading.

"No." I murmured as I buried my face into the towel. "No, no, no, no.."

Everything was disappearing at a fast rate. His clothes were gone. His scent was fading. The very evidence of his imprint in this house was all gone. They would never come back! They were all gone..

"What will I do now?" I wailed. Everything was hopeless. My very reason for living was brutally torn away from me. What do I have now? Weak in the knees, I collapsed onto the floor as the weight of the world bore heavily upon my shoulders. I tried to find the courage to carry on. I desperately tried so hard! I thought that I could finally break free of this vicious cycle as long as I had the right attitude. It turns out that it did not change a thing. My courage was a fluke, therefore I would never succeed. I am still afraid, and am lacking the will to continue anymore.

Glancing at the shaver on the shelf, a wild thought suddenly seized my mind. Why don't I join him? If he can't be with me now, I can just go ahead and be with him together in Death! Not being able to think rationally anymore, I just grabbed the shaver on the shelf and was preparing to cut a large artery of mine on the wrist when the doorbell suddenly rang.

I was instantly shaken out of my stupor and I dropped the shaver in fear. What had I just tried to do? What was I doing? He would be so furious with me if he knew that I had just tried to take my own life! What was I thinking anyway? What possessed me to do that?

Suddenly afraid of the shaver on the floor, I fled the bathroom without sparing a glance at it. Calming myself down, I then took deep breaths and opened the door. Instead of meeting anybody, however, all I was greeted with was the empty wind blowing against my face.

I was just about to close the door thinking I got pranked when I suddenly noticed a puppy laying beneath my feet. It was snoozing away happily on the warmth that my shoes provided and just as I was looking at it, it opened one of its chocolate brown eyes to stare back at me with adoration. Saying that I was puzzled would be an understatement in this case. What the hell was a puppy doing outside my door, or rather, who the hell would leave an innocent creature outside? 

Quickly, I lured it in with the coos and praises and finally it budged from its spot lying on top of shoes. To my surprise, I found a letter beneath the spot it was sitting on. Curious, I opened it up and beginning scanning the content. Once again, I was astonished by the one and only sentence in the letter.

The colour red will always be the colour of love, the colour of passion and the colour of life.

The paper fell from my hands and floated gracefully in the air as my mouth gaped open in silence. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I glanced at the Labrador puppy once more through my blurry vision. He knew I had no more reason to live so he decided to provide me one before he left. He thought of me. He had never left me. He was always with me, right there in my heart! He was always there!

Sniffling my tears away, my lips curled as I walked towards the puppy and scratched it under its chin, giving it a total head rub. This puppy was perfect for my recuperatation and I already knew the perfect name for it.

"From now on, you're gonna be known as Smile."

For farewells are never farewells till you say them so..