Happiness is a choice.

很久很久以前，这世界曾有一个很开朗的小女孩。不管发生什么事情，这女孩总以微笑去面对。她的心如雪花纯白，天真的让人怜惜。她曾经有过梦想，幻想自己身后的翅膀会带她飞翔。在矿阔的天空里，自由飞行的她不曾有过忧愁也不曾有过烦恼。虽然还没见到世面，这小女孩却比她的同伴们还要开心，因为她已经明白幸福的所在。

我常想，我们心中的小女孩在何时渐渐消失了呢 ? 以为知识就是力量的我们却发现碰见了世面以后，我们的烦恼反而增加了。矿阔的天空顿时成了狭窄的牢狱。这世界还真让人心烦，无法捉摸。生活步伐变得急躁的我们，眼睁睁看着时间的飞逝，却什么也没体会，什么也没说，只会反复的做着同样的动作，成了世界的奴婢，正中的机器人。可笑的是，我们的世界随着科技的进展虽然缩小了，但人与人之间的交情却疏远了。我们彼此的距离拉长了，不明白的事情变多了，明白的事情却减少了，获得知识的我们居然变笨了。我想，这样的世界，真的能生存下去吗？

幸福的定义都被我们模糊了，情绪也变得混乱了，难怪我们永远都找不到幸福的所在。

对。错的不是世界，错的是我们。

只有敞开心灵的我们才能找回那充满梦想的小女孩，载着她的翅膀努力飞翔。。。

“幸福是一种选择。你是唯一能够让自己幸福的人。你的幸福，属于你的决定。”

rain > rainbow

My feelings are summarised in the above image. All the negative thoughts, all the conflicting emotions have all been compacted and squeezed into one tiny picture; the one you see above.

We all fear pain. We all fear rejection. In fact, it's really normal to feel that way. I won't begrudge you for feeling them. Emotions are something that we can't control. In fact, one would argue you're inhumane if you don't feel a thing right? :)

Haha. I don't know what else to say. It's funny. I used to be able to blog whatever that's on my mind but now, I sense hesitance coming from me. Is it because of the truth that I now see? I feel afraid yet refreshed. A mass of contradicting feelings but a much more 'real' me than I've ever seen.

Talking about the past used to fill me with such shame. I feel ashamed of my past actions. I feel guilt over the mistakes I committed. I know nothing can ever erase them away; not even time. Perhaps, that's why I dreaded facing them. I was a coward through and through.

Avoidance has been such a natural way for me to deal things with life. As soon as it gets overwhelming, I'll shut down and pretend I'm in another place, another world... but life doesn't work that way. Life is tough. Life is cruel, but the bonds formed are like metal weapons forged in fire. They mould us to become better than what we already are. They make us stronger and give us courage to withstand the heat. They unite us.

I've been hesitating throughout my life. Do I let things be or do I take a step of faith and change my life around? I haven't been the most filial daughter in this world. In fact, I'm rather rude and obnoxious to my parents. It's just difficult to communicate with them, especially when I've so much pent up resentment from the past. Talking to my sisters that night made me realised that the hurt ran way deeper than I thought it was. I resented what they did. I don't think I've truly forgiven them for that.

Kids bear the weirdest grudges, let's just agree on that. And before you misunderstand me, no, my parents are not serial murderers or anything like that. I just resent certain choices they made and the way they handled situations. I hate that they uprooted my family from my first church; the church that I grew up in. I can't understand and even till now I'm confused. I just don't get it. Why? Why? Throwing me into another church that introduced me to the world of politics and lies, did they truly think that it was the best for me? Cause it ain't. It just makes me hate myself even more.

Going through these months of conflicting emotions almost drove me mad. I'm so confused. I don't understand why I can't let go of the hatred. I can't forgive and I don't know why. It's such a petty mistake but everytime I think of it, tears fill my eyes. No, I can't forgive. I can't let it go just like that. Were my feelings nothing? Did it not matter to them?

I know deep down that they care. I know my parents love me but it gets harder and harder to accept that fact each day when you look into yourself and see nothing that you love. I know Nelli probably experiences this too. She, out of all my friends, probably understands how this feel. The overwhelming sense of helplessness...

It makes you feel like you're drowning and I hate every second of it. I'm always stuck in this endless cycle of self-pity. I wanna break free for once. I wanna gain control over my thoughts. I wanna stop blanking out when I feel fear. Who the hell feels that much fear anyway? Praying before I do any assignment, praying the moment I feel the other party is angry... I'm just so DAMN TIRED of feeling afraid.

And my Christian life's in shambles. It affects me so deeply I can't explain it to you. Christianity has always been a part of me. It is me. It defines me. I love being a Christian and I'm damn proud to be one but the stupid damn cutting left so many scars that even I couldn't see and now all I feel whenever I enter my church is just overwhelming fear and shame cause I sinned. Cause I damn fucking sinned and it just fucking sucks cause I know church isn't judging but I'm judging myself and I can't seem to forgive myself for everything that I've done and it just makes me so upset that I wanna hide in a corner and NOT step into a church again. On the other hand, church has been my ONLY source of peace and dammit, I just want everything to be back to normal again.

Do you understand it?

Vincent has been talking to me about it and I know. I know I'm a horrible asshole to the people in church. I hate that I'm like that but just the thought of opening up to any Christian in my life just makes me so scared I rather revert back to my old shell. I have trust issues with Christians but not other religions, HA. HA. HA. I feel so amused yet sad at the same time. I hate this man. I just wanna turn the clock back, right all my wrongs and just live...

live.

But y'know, hearing testimonies in church yesterday opened up my mind, I've been so horribly selfish these years. I know I have been. I only think of myself. I don't open my heart to help others in need. All I care about is myself, myself and my damn fucking self again.

Gosh. I never knew the effect negative thoughts had on a person until I reflect now on my past actions in secondary school. Now all I wanna do is curl up and die in shame. Back then, I cared about no one at all. Cutting was impulsive and I did it cause I loved it. Yes, that's the fucked up part. I did it not to take the pain away. That was not my primary objective. I did it cause I love seeing my own blood. The more blood, the better. It made me euphoric just seeing the crimson fluid leaking from my wounds.

I'm sick in the mind. Whatever. At least I'm doing none of those shit now. Or rather, I just can't anymore, not after seeing so many people fighting for the life that I have. How can I so easily discard the life that I live in? I can't... I'm selfish, but even I am not selfish to that extent.

Sighs. I'm just a bit fucked up, but that's okay. I'll believe in the rainbow after the rain. I believe I'll find love once again. I just have to let go of everything; the pain, the hurt; the betrayals; the anger... Everything has to go and I have to mean it or else it will all be futile.

I have to learn to love again. I won't let my stupid pride prevent me from offering comfort anymore. I hate that I can't hug anyone without feeling socially awkward or weirded out. I wanna be able to offer comfort through physical touch if the other party needs it. What are words without actions? I only offer advice but I do nothing beyond that. I hate that part of myself the most. The one who speaks but does not do...

To be honest, there's just so many things I hate about myself it seems impossible to cover within this blog entry. Still, I know there are parts of me that I love too. I love my friends, my family, my deceased pets, my hair... They may be rare but I'm sure in my heart there are parts that contain me too. I do love myself. It's a little but it's still there.

And that's what I'm gonna focus these next six months on. I'm gonna build myself back together. I'm gonna restore my family relations. I'm gonna restore my relationship with God, relationships in church and just really pull myself together again.

I need to find my resolve. I need to gain better control over myself. It's only when I know love that I can share love. It's only when I gain wisdom that I can preach it. These experiences may not be ideal but they make up who I am and I'm going to get through this no matter what.

They're just thoughts. Negative thoughts yes but wisps of imagination they are. I'm not gonna empower them. I'm gonna shut them right in the trap. I'm gonna live my life and break free.

After all, everybody wants happiness and nobody wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.

no more lies

No more lies for me, it's the truth that I seek now. I'm tired of the lies I've wrapped myself in. It's time for me to break free. I'm gonna find back my grip on life. I'm gonna start living again. Yes, I was hit by a wave of 'not-so-nice' thoughts a few days before but hey, I'm fine now. I've lived through it again so yay!

Thanks to Tingwei, Sien, Elsie, Michelle and Vincent for really listening to me. Okay. I didn't really say anything to anyone except Tingwei, Vincent and Michelle but your presence helps, trust me on that. Yilian too. It's amazing that she was so patient when I was cuddling with Avery haha. :P Avery is a really important cat to me y'know? She's precious and dear.

I'm just feeling liberated after so long I just wanna hold onto this feeling for a long long time. The feeling of freedom...

So just thank you to everyone I guess? :)

P.S. Finally told my sisters about the cutting nonsense yesterday. We agreed we all were fucked up in terms of our thoughts. #bestdayever

Thanks Avery

Everyone feels pain. Everyone feels sad. Everyone breaks down. It's normal. The tears feel comforting. I rather sob than hold it in and have to deal with the whole pile of emotions that are just chucked at the back of my mind. I hate emotions though.

Yesterday was a sad day. I have no other words to describe it but that. I screwed up my experiment. I don't know why. I can't work my brain in the early morning and I've lost all focus since band days. I can't concentrate on anything for long. My mind's muddled. It's like an engine that's desperately trying to roar when there's no fuel. That's how I feel, I guess.. Out of battery, out of motivation...

I've been sad. I've been sad for a long time. Admitting that now is a relief for me; a load off my shoulders. Talking to Tingwei yesterday helped to relieve the tension in me. I talked a lot with her. Things I knew were true, things I was ashamed of... Thoughts that made me cry, thoughts that made me laughed...

Everything... I told her everything. By the end, I guess I was just tired. Releasing the pent up emotions in me just took a huge toll on me. I guess I never thought I was upset until I begin talking Tingwei's ears off. 

I went to find Avery afterwards. My lovely stray cat, Avery. Avery lives near Michelle's house haha but it was late and I didn't want to find Michelle. I was close to breaking down and I didn't want anyone to see that. And as I walked under the void deck searching for the calico cat I loved, I came to realised the full extent of my emotions. It almost tore my heart open when I realised Avery wasn't there. She was the only cat that cuddled with me. No other cat did that. Not even PBC, but she wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere to be found.

The emptiness I felt was indescribable. The tears welled up in my eyes immediately. I've been running and searching but happiness always seems to evade me. I'm annoyed. Annoyed that I don't seem to be happy sometimes even when I'm with my friends. Annoyed that my mind's always elsewhere even when I'm with people. Annoyed that I'm annoyed.

Annoyed that Avery wasn't there.

Then the tears just came falling when I started praying for her to be there. I don't know how to explain how I felt. I just know this: Avery was the only cat that would cuddle with me and I really wanted to cuddle with something right now. And as the tears came pouring down, I spotted her, lounging at a corner I seemed to miss when I was searching for her.

I ran (almost!) to her. I sat down and instantly, she crawled into my lap. The feeling of trust and love is unexplainable. She sat there as I cried, even when my tears stained her fur coat, she didn't complain. She didn't even groom herself. She just constantly burrowed her head into my chest, as though she was telling me to cheer up. I finally stopped crying but Avery still stayed. She begin grooming herself, licking me as she did it. It's amazing but looking at her, the sadness just receded. It didn't return for a long while. Then, she sensed that I was okay and she hopped off my lap and sat beside me, next to me.

No cat has ever understood me as well as she did. I seriously love her so much and thank God everyday that I know such a cat like her. Although she's proud and arrogant at times, she never fails to care and that just makes up for everything.

Thank you Avery. :))

love you.