“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
I met up with a close friend of mine recently and every time she tells me of her crush it breaks my heart into a million pieces so I'm just going to put her story out here (without her permission, shh). I'm thinking that maybe I can start this series called "Love Stories of my Friends" on my Wattpad cause my friends' love stories are really beautiful in a tragic way and I really believe that everyone can take something away with them. :X (Yes all of them have sad endings) Please tell me if you're interested in more haha or if you're interested in reading mine. Not that you don't already know haha. Alright, enough, let the story begin...
P.S. I claim artistic license for this shit so I'm gonna dramatize some details of this story and make it more emotional than it is.
P.P.S. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people.
Here goes nothing:
“ 没有圆周的钟 失去旋转意义
下雨这天 好安静
远行没有目的 距离不是问题
不爱了 是你的谜底 ”
下雨这天 好安静
远行没有目的 距离不是问题
不爱了 是你的谜底 ”
- 《爱你没差》，周杰伦
Dec 2012
I had not seen her in a long time. School had been busy and I barely had enough time to cope with my studies, let alone meeting friends like her whom I was sure was equally busy as I was, so imagine my surprise when she texted me via Facebook and asked me a question out of the blue.
"Yo!" her message read, "If you like a guy, would you tell him?"
I was so surprised by her message that it took me a while to actually process what she said.
"YOU LIKE A GUY?!"
That was my immediate response following the three second pause that I took upon receiving the notification for her message.
"Yes," she replied, "I sent it [the confession] on Whatsapp."
I just stared blankly at the computer as my eyes froze on the message I saw. Don't get me wrong. Having a crush at 17 years old is completely normal. Hell, it's part of puberty, right? It's just that this friend of mine has never told me about having feelings for another guy at all. In fact, all I imagined of her was this cute innocent image that was ignorant of boys and the dating scene so to know that she was not as innocent as I thought she was was really mind-blowing to me, but I soon jumped onto the wagon and my astonishment transformed into excitement for her. Turning my attention back to the screen, I spammed a set of emojis as I eagerly waited for her reply.
She said, "I sent him this: I want to tell you something but you [have to] promise me that you cannot ignore me. This is serious."
I was brimming with pride at her statement. She was a really courageous girl, brave to pursue her dreams and beautiful from the innocence surrounding her life.
"So what was his reply?" I was anxious, perhaps even more anxious than her. I did not know what to expect from the other party and having been rejected thrice from my crushes, I really did not want her to experience the same heartbreak as I did.
However, my excitement was prolonged for she was waiting for his reply as I was.
"I'll joke with him everytime when I see him and I'll laugh," she shared with me as we both continued to wait in anticipation and I could even imagine the soft smile that must have been tugging at the end of her lips, "but I'm scared that he'll ignore me after this."
I feared the worst for her but I could not bring myself to admit it out loud.
"It'll be fine," I reassured her despite the doubts nagging at my heart, "I'm sure it'll be alright."
"Really?" she asked once more, sounding like the innocent child that she was.
"Yes," I replied, feeling like the worst liar in the entire world, "I am an expert in rejection, okay? Trust me on this."
"Haha," her laughter resounded even through her text, "I'll try 'cause I have liked him since Wednesday..."
"Before CCA started, I felt nothing at all," she continued, "but I don't know why when CCA ended and I was in the bus, I suddenly felt that I liked him a lot and the feeling hasn't gone away since that day. I actually wanted to tell him yesterday but I thought about it for a day before deciding to go through with it."
There she was, the strong woman I knew she was. I could not believe that I did not see that coming at all. Of course, I thought to myself, of course she'll love the guy with all her heart, and of course, that feeling would persist with time.
"So," she asked tentatively when I did not reply her messages, "Did your crush ignore you after you confessed?"
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and let the puff of air out. His rejection still hurt but if it was for her, I would willingly open that wound up again.
"Hmm..." I pretended to be calm and pondered on her question, "he rejected me and I expected it but he didn't ignore me."
"So he didn't ignore you?"
"No, he didn't." I smiled at her insecurities. She must have really liked that guy, huh? Well, I sure hope that he accepted her confession then.
"Hmm..." she replied me, "Well, the truth is, I'm not too sure about all of this. My friend said that he is not the person who would want a girlfriend but it's not like I want him to be my boyfriend. I just want to confess my feelings to him because I like him. Although I think he will not talk to me if I tell him of my feelings, I still want to tell him about them."
And I replied her with an emoji because I could not find a single word to describe the feelings her words invoked in me. Here I was, disheartened by his rejection, disbelieving in love and all the bullshit I regarded relationships as but there she was, naive in her feelings but wise in her handlings. She knew she did not have a chance but she wanted to confess anyway because she believed that it was the right course of actions to perform. She was braver than I was and so much more stronger than I.
I smiled. That guy better not hurt her feelings. I would kill him if it came down to that.
However, a few minutes passed and she did not reply to my emoji at all even though she would usually do so. Worried about her but helpless in my position, I continued surfing the net with one eye trained on the Facebook chat I had with her. I was anxious and really afraid that her feelings would be hurt. Finally, it was a few minutes later before another message came and the notification sounded.
"I told him already," she got straight to the point with her reply, "He just said that I wouldn't want to go into a relationship with him but I replied him that I never wanted to go into a relationship with him and that I just wanted to tell him that I like him. Haha! He never ignored me in the end. He still asked me if I was free tomorrow but of course, I was not."
"LOL. That's good to hear!"
"Haha. But it's going to be so awkward the next time I see him. Weren't you awkward around your crush after you told him?"
Before I could reply her, she continued, "Nevermind. I think he thinks I'm crazy because I am always joking with him and laughing. I am too crazy. Haha."
I nodded along even though she could not see me. She was too busy spamming my inbox anyway.
"He is my cca senior," another text message read, " and I am scared that he will go and tell my other seniors that I told him I like him, but wow, he is super thick-skinned if he really tells the other seniors about this. Oh, and I would be super embarrassed."
"I'm sure he wouldn't...?" I barely got another reply in before another message came.
"He told me to not waste my time and asked me to move on. He rejected me right? :("
"Yeah-"
"It's ok!" she reassured herself with a smile emoji before I could even respond to her message, "My friend told me before that he doesn't want a girlfriend. It is I who ignored her advice and confessed to him despite her words."
My heart ached at the sight of her reply. Was it really the fault of ours if we confessed to our crushes despite knowing that they were not interested in looking for a relationship? Did we truly deserve this heartbreak?
"Yeah," I agreed with her words, having been in the same position before, "There are always better people out there."
"Yup," she agreed, but her positive reply could not hide her sadness within.
"Actually, I'm sad because I really like him a lot," she admitted her feelings after a while, "He's really good to me."
I laughed bitterly. Wasn't that just the price to pay for liking someone who actually had a great personality for once that you could not fault him for anything?
"Just forget about him," I advised her as I did to myself, "Forget about what he did."
"Haha, but it's tough. I really like him a lot." she said then but I never knew her words would turn out to be so true. Just like that, the conversation I had with her ended on that note, but unbeknownst to me, this love story had not ended and greater trials were awaiting her in the future.
“ 我占据 格林威治 守候着你
在时间 标准起点 回忆过去
你却在 永夜了的 极地旅行
等爱在 失温后 渐渐死去 ”
在时间 标准起点 回忆过去
你却在 永夜了的 极地旅行
等爱在 失温后 渐渐死去 ”
- 《爱你没差》，周杰伦
April 2013
It was a few months later when I met up with her that she told me that one of her friends had a brain tumour in his head and was currently undergoing chemotherapy. She said it in such a cheerful tone but I immediately knew that something was amiss. There was a truth behind the facade she was wearing and I wanted to know what it was.
"Oh Lord. How's your friend doing now then?" I asked.
"He's finishing up on his chemotherapy sessions. He even had time to visit us in CCA."
Wait. CCA! My brain immediately froze at that thought. There was only one male friend from her CCA that she told me about and it was her crush. But, it couldn't be, right? Fate wouldn't be so cruel as to play such a nasty trick on her.
"I only remember you telling me about one male friend from your CCA," I laughed, "and that was your crush, so who's this new guy?"
She looked at me and widened her smile further, "There's no new guy. He is the same guy. It's my crush who's sick."
I was so shocked I could not reply for a long while.
"Y-Your crush? You still like him?"
"Yeah," she replied in a moment of silence, "But it's okay. I prayed for him and it looks like he's doing well."
She forcefully injected cheeriness into her words and my heart felt like it was falling apart at its seams.
"Hey," I said, "Let's not talk about such depressing topics, yeah? I'm sure your friend will be alright."
I ended the conversation there and changed the topic abruptly. I wasn't sure what to reply to her. She was still smiling at me but I could not watch her pretend like everything was alright. I would break faster than her so I shifted my attention to something else instead. It was cowardly of me to do so but I really did not know how to comfort her. My crushes were never sick before. I could not imagine how she must have felt, knowing that there was a chance that her crush would lose his life to cancer. Hell, this was not some television drama series. This was reality and reality wasn't kind to its people. He could die. He could die and she was smiling like it did not affect her at all. I turned away. For once, I was at a loss of words. I did not know what to say to make it better for I knew all too clear that nothing would make it feel remotely alright. I just changed the topic and to accommodate me, she followed along although I could tell she still had more to add regarding her sick crush.
I'm sorry but I can't talk about him anymore and watch you smile despite your hidden tears within.
So, we changed our topics of conversation and that officially concluded my second conversation about him with her.
“ 喔 爱你没差 那一点时差 喔～
你离开这一拳给的 太重
我的心找不到 换日线 它在哪
我只能不停的飞
直到我将你挽回 ”
你离开这一拳给的 太重
我的心找不到 换日线 它在哪
我只能不停的飞
直到我将你挽回 ”
- 《爱你没差》，周杰伦
August 2014
The third time she mentioned him, there was a soft smile on her face. She told me that he recovered successfully from the surgery and cancer. He was alright but somehow she did not seem happy at all.
"What's wrong?" I asked, "You don't look so happy at all."
"I don't know," she spoke, her voice soft and uncertain, "It's like his character has changed after the surgery he has undergone. He used to be so cheerful and happy. He would always play along with my jokes and laugh with me but after the surgery, he's so quiet and reserved. He doesn't laugh at my jokes or engage in cheerful banter with me anymore."
"Look," she showed me the Facebook conversation he had with her, "that's how he was like in the past. I texted him and he would reply me with emojis and even teased me back. Now, he just gives me monosyllabic replies and sometimes he doesn't even reply me at all."
I opened my mouth to utter words of comfort but nothing came out of my throat. I didn't know what to say. As a science student, I was aware that the brain was a complicated organ and I could not deny that it was a possibility that the change in personality could be due to the surgery itself or the traumatic experience of having cancer at all. Still, how was I to tell something like that to her?
"The crush that you like is no longer the person you knew and the person you like may never return."
How was I to say something like that to her? It would be too cruel to her and I couldn't bear to do that. Reading the conflicted thoughts racing across my face, she smiled further and offered me a peace offering.
"It's okay. I think I was annoying him too much and that's why he doesn't reply me sometimes. I saw him hanging out with our alumni so I pestered him to visit our CCA. He must have been really annoyed with me."
"But why would you do that?" I asked incredulously.
"Because I miss him and I want to see him."
Her reply shut me up and I could not help but smile once more.
"You shouldn't do that to him though," I said, "he's still recovering, isn't he?"
"Yeah," she nodded, "I know. I'll try to control myself haha."
I looked at her and I just knew that she would do what she said. She had the innocence of a kid but she was wise enough to heed others' advice. Besides, her genuine love for him would prevent her from hurting him unnecessarily. I knew that to be true.
"Alright, enough about him. Let's go take some pictures together!" I proclaimed and once again, ended the conversation about him first.
"爱你不怕 那一点时差 喔～
就让我静静一个人 出发
你的心总有个 经纬度 会留下
我会回到你世界
跨越爱的时差"
- 《爱你没差》周杰伦
Dec 2015
The fourth time she mentioned about him was in a recent conversation I had with her. She told me nonchalantly over a meal of Mcdonalds that the cancer had come back and he was currently scheduled for another chemotherapy session again.
Unlike the previous times, however, I let her talk about him and I did not interrupt her again.
"You know, he's really strange," she confided in me as she took another bite with her burger, "Before his first surgery, I told him that I missed him and really hoped that he could return to our CCA in March after the completion of his first chemotherapy session instead of the scheduled April he was telling others about."
"And he really returned to CCA in March! He didn't even tell our mutual friend when she asked him. He lied to her that he was coming back in April but he actually came back in March."
I was so surprised a fry actually fell from my hands as I was listening to her. He couldn't have, could he? Could it be that before the first surgery that he had undergone, my friend's crush actually had feelings for my friend? I mean, why would he return a month earlier if not for my friend's request? And it wasn't any other ordinary request either. I am sure that he was suffering the negative effects of chemotherapy then and yet he still fulfilled her request. If that was not a sign of love, I did not know what was. I was still reeling in shock from what she had told me when something she said further astounded me.
"I know he has changed since the surgery and all the events that have happened. I mean, he can't even stand to be alone with me now," she said, "We had a CCA BBQ recently and when he realised that we were taking the same route home, he opted to take a taxi instead of a bus, leaving me alone at the bus stop. I was really hurt by that but I didn't let it show."
She paused, smiled and continued.
"He won't talk to me now and he doesn't reply my messages but you know, I still like him. Even if I have known this introverted side of him since the beginning, I would still have liked him. Maybe I wouldn't like him as much as I do now but I know I would still like him."
And that was when I realised perhaps her feelings for him weren't just "like" but rather that of love.
"How long have you liked him for?" I asked her as I watched the tears well up in her eyes, "I feel like it's been a really long time since we had this conversation about him."
She looked at me and smiled, revealing her set of pearly white teeth.
"Three years," she uttered, "I have liked him for three years and I still like him."
I wanted to cry for her sake but I reined the tears in and prepared myself for the words I had to say to her.
"You know," I said softly, "You have to move on eventually. You can't like him forever."
"I know," she replied, meeting my eyes as she spoke, "But everytime when I speak of him, I'm happy. He doesn't make me sad at all. As long as I am happy, I can keep liking him, right? Even if he doesn't like me back, I am okay with that."
I did not know what to respond to that but as I looked at her, I realised that she had transformed from an awkward teenager having a crush on her senior to a woman in love who knows and accepts the consequences of her actions and choices.
"Yeah," I replied, "Yeah you can do just that."
Waving goodbye to her in the MRT, I smiled as I began my journey home.
I may never know if her crush, that CCA senior of hers liked her before he undergone his first surgery. I may never know if they even had a chance to be together, but I knew one thing for sure, she loves him and that love is enough for her to go on with her life.
She was heartbroken yes, but she was not broken and that resilience perhaps spoke of her love for him.
The End.
I feel so emotional typing this as I was hearing this LOL. Let me know if you enjoyed this story (it's true except for a few exaggerated moments) and if you want me to write more. Next time, I promise I will gain permission from my friends first before speaking about it.
Alright, that's it. Goodbye.
