[fangirl post] JYJ ONLY ONE

This song is da best ever! Omg. Jaejoong is seriously so freaking hot my heart almost stopped for a second there! Jaejoong saranghae~~ :DD Junsu, on the other hand, is so freaking adorable like really. His smiles, his joy, his happiness, his freaking face.. OMIGOSH! WHY IS HE SO CUTE AND PLUSHIE LIKE? OMG OMG OMG OMG!

-dead-

Oh yeah, and Yoochun's finally singing again LOL. Yoochun ah, sing more will you? I've been waiting for your solo album since ages ago!! Why don't you release one soon? :( Jaejoong's already gonna release one in late October.. WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE ONE? *sobs and cries into a puddle of goo*

Oh speaking of that, I really hope that Jaejoong releases a solo album on my birthday haha! Late october right? WHY NOT 25 OCTOBER? IT'S THE MOST FUCKING PERFECT DATE EVER!!! GO AHEAD COME ON! 25 october!! IT'S PERFECT!!!!

weeeeeeeeeeee~

Now I'm enjoying my holidays. It's a fun filled day haha. I love the feeling of just slacking at home and doing nothing lol. It's fun. :) Weeheeeheee. Alright. I'm mad. I know. It's just that hearing Only One I JUST CAN'T STAY SAD AND ANGRY OKAY? ONLY ONE HAS THEIR FREAKING NICE VOICES THAT PULLS ME OUT OF WHATEVER EMO MOOD I AM IN. THE POWER OF ONLY ONE OMG!

ONLY ONE~~~

You're the only one~~~

I love you.

Saranghae~

RESULTS

Subject Code	Subject Name	CU	Grade
ABM2009	Fundamentals of Pathology	4	B+
ABM2010	Applied Immunology	3	A
ABT2007	Molecular Genetics	5	B+
ABT2014	Metabolic Biochemistry	4	B+
AVT2005	Animal Care and Management	5	C+
GCD1002	Applied Principles for Effective Living 2	1	Pass
TCS1105	China Studies - Modern China	3	B+

Weird entry

I'm tired. This explains the long awaited blog post, haha. I'm supposed to be blogging about my trip in Suzhou but to be honest, I'm kinda lazy. Or rather, I don't really wanna blog about it. What's there to blog about? The journey to Suzhou was the best it could ever be. It really was fun. I had a marvelous experience there. I got to know Celeste so much better. I got to learn a bit about Chinese culture. I learned how to use weibo. I learned how to NOT offend people. I seriously learned a lot. It was an eye opening experience. I really didn't wanna return to Singapore. Sighs.

Singapore. The moment I stepped foot here, all the problems come rushing back and just like that, I feel tired already. I hate responsibilities. Someone should get rid of them. They suck, didn't someone say that? -_- Everyone should be selfish. We'll be saving each other a lot of trouble then. Let's all think for ourselves, after all aren't we built this way?

Okay. I'm ranting I know. Illogical nonsense again. Why oh why am I so annoying and whiny? Urgh. *slaps self* It's just that this trip to Suzhou really forced my eyes to be opened and for once it taught me to really listen to the silence and more importantly, listen to my heart. For how many years have I been avoiding such issues? Refusing and afraid to face my heart's desires.. I'm really despising myself now.

Those 18 days in Suzhou, I had weird and vivid dreams. Dreams are reflections of your deepest desires, they always say, perhaps there is some truth in those words? Maybe.. Cause I've gotta admit, I've dreamed about band for the past few days in Suzhou and if that's not my desire I don't know what is.

It's scary to dream about playing the tuba then waking up to realising it's all just a dream. In my dreams, I am happy. In reality, I am sad. I haven't committed to anything since band. Not even my church. I don't know where I even belong anymore. The moment I reached Singapore and entered my home, I felt out of place. Is this really my family? Somehow everything feels foreign. I've changed.

It's weird. Everything is the same but my thinking has changed. I couldn't see while I was in Singapore back then. I couldn't see that I was slowly tearing myself apart. By refusing to admit that I was hurt by someone's words or actions, I was instead making the situation worse. Oh geez Amelia, self denial to the max?

I'm disappointed in myself. I've come to realise this though: In order to be of strength to someone, one must not be weak in its foundation. If a friendship is easily destroyed by words or actions, then it is not a friendship in the first place. Its foundation is weak. There are no memories nor emotions supporting it. It's merely hollow, empty, devoid of anything.. 

I should have realised, but I didn't. Or was it denial? Even I don't know anymore. My mind is in utter chaos now. Friend or foe, I can no longer tell the difference. Sometimes I think we're okay. Other times, I think we hate each other. Is our friendship beyond salvation? I do not know the answer to that question myself. I'm confused too. I don't know who I'm talking about anymore. Emotions are blending in to give you this crap entry you see now and this is exactly how I feel. No hesitation. No nothing. I'm just typing what I feel, without sugarcoating anything.

Some friends I'm avoiding for now, simply because I can't tell if I treat them as friends anymore. Talking with Celeste helped me realised some truths about myself. I can't keep holding onto grudges. I'm only tiring myself by doing so. It's nothing but a burden.

Words can heal. Words can kill. It can be a weapon. It can be salvation. That's why I hate words. It's a double edged sword. It can make a friendship. It can break a bond just as swiftly. Words, just what sorcery are you? Who gave you such a power? Why do you affect me?

Why am I letting what others do or say dictate the way I live? Why am I allowing others' actions to influence me? It makes no sense. Why should I allow your words to hurt me? You don't mean it. I know. So why am I still harping on it? Why can't I let it go for Pete's sake? AM I THAT PATHETIC?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm tired. So many questions. I don't know what's going on anymore. I wanna crawl back into my hole. I don't wanna think about such things.. Yet, my brain never stops. Do you stop and think too? Do you recall all the memories we had? Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Or am I the only one harping on the past? Am I the only want resisting the currents of time? Does time truly erase the existence of memories? Are we all that replaceable?

What are friends for?

What is friendship?

What am I doing with my life?

I don't know anymore. You get this rubbish entry cause I'm feeling pretty rubbish myself. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this entry to be so messy. I'm just feeling.. weird now.. Yeps. Weird. Alright. Gonna sign off. Ciaos~

short update

Counting down the days to China... I'm an emotional wreck haha. I don't know what I'll do there and the thought of it appalls me. -sighs- Hopefully I'll survive there huh?

Gonna make this post short cause I have loads of other shit to do. Yes. SHIT IS PRETTY INTENSE I SAY! Anyway, got my hep B blood test today, tetanus vaccination and shopped with my mother for China trip stuff. I absolutely detest shopping and every time I'm shopping I'm reminded of that fact. URGH.

Alright. Gotta end entry here. Have to do editing and rush for Alicia's pressie. Goodbye.

first step

So hey! I'm back again. Figured since it's the hols and stuff I might as well blog more wahahaha. Today's a really packed day. I've hung out first with Nena and Sien and let's just say that whenever I hang out with them, things turn ridiculous fast. They are the friends who never fail to brighten up my life. Never. Being with them is so much fun every single time haha. They are like the clowns of my life. :')

After shopping with them for the souvenirs for China and Mdm Loh's present, I met up with Vincent they all to eat dinner and we went to watch Internship at Cathay haha. Kinda fun yet kinda weird at the same time. I've never imagined myself being in a life with Christian friends. I've hoped for it, but I never thought I would get it. I'm still trying to get used to the idea here haha.

I mean, my friends are good. Yes, they're perfect, but I can never talk about Christianity with them. It's like sometimes, all I wanna talk about is religion but I can't possibly talk about it to them and that kinda sucks. :/ I'm glad I went to Heart of God church though haha. I'm starting to see myself starting anew again.

I don't know what the future may bring but for now, at least I feel charged with positive energy. I won't lie. I don't really think I can survive in the outside world, much less China. Hopefully, it'll be better than I thought. Still, I'm not harboring any hope. Okay. Maybe the situation isn't really as negative as I thought, but still.. :/

Alright. Shut up with the negativity already. It's time to rock and roll~~ -screams- HAHA. I'm turning a wee high from all the invisible drugs I'm taking. Damn it. :( Amelia, you need to shut up sometimes haha. :D

And now, to finally reply to my dearest Elsie...

Like there are many words running through my mind now but I just can't seem to type it down. I guess I'll just go with my gut feeling okay? :D Whatever I say from this point, I hope it makes sense to you. :D

Anyway dear, I don't understand why you put yourself down sometimes. You are not perfect. I get that. You get that. Hell girl, who is perfect? Imperfections make us human right? It proves that you're a human Elsie. Flaws are part of you and well, with the flaws, you just seem more beautiful right?

You keep saying that you're socially awkward and all that stuff but come on, you're not doing so bad are you? That time, didn't you and Sien get along perfectly well while I was off ordering Macs? That proves that you're not socially awkward. You get along with my friends so well. This further solidifies the fact that it's not your fault, it's your environment, your school whatever.

And if you're still not convinced, well, I don't hang out with stupid people okay? I have high and exquisite taste. Whomever I hang out with is beautiful, believe in that. You may be jealous of a gazillion people out there but Elsie, I'm also jealous of ya okay? :/ So don't bring yourself down, or I'll look more stupid than I already am being jealous of you. :(

of all the roads I walked down of everyone I met of everyone that i devoted myself entirely to nobody came back
Ame sorry technically we did ditch each other LOL we never intended to become close again didn't we ours is more of fate and at least reciprocation
in this life nobody will come back I don't know why I'm still harping so much on Winnie maybe because it's so pathetic that the only one I can "return" to is her when she doesn't even give any more fucks lol
oh she's beautiful by the way perfect fucking skin oh my god I should be a serial killer killing girls with perfect skin by night Elsie the Ripper

You stupid woman lol. Does it matter if we ditch each other? At least we're back together now, aren't we? And what nobody will come back in this life? Elsie, you're way too cynical for your own good. Open up your heart. SEE THE LIGHT. SEE THE ENDLESS POSSIBLITIES. SEE THE LOVE EVERYONE HAS FOR EACH OTHER! SEE IT ELSIE. SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. SEE IT!!

Alright. I'm mad I know. I don't know how to comfort you. To be honest, I've been down the same lane as you are right now and I'm telling ya, I still haven't found my answer yet. All I can say is: Always keep the faith.

I know the situation seems impossible. I know you feel like an outlier. Probably. I've felt like that once too and let me tell you, it wasn't a pleasant feeling. I've distanced myself from people at that time. I learnt to hide my feelings. It's not like anyone would care anyway, I would think to myself, if they did they would ask me, but they never did...

How did I get myself out of that stinking hole? Truth is, I never did. When it comes to times like these, you just have to reach out and pray that someone will take your hand and pull you out of the ditch you find yourself in. Sometimes, it's the only way. Alternatively, you can climb out of the ditch yourself.

I don't know. I can't say I've never felt frustrated when I'm at the end of a friendship. I can tell you that just recently, I had a quarrel with my friend. She's precious to me, like really precious. I never thought I would quarrel with her, until I just did..

At that instant, my mind just went blank. I shied away from the whole world. People were asking me all sorts of questions, questions that I myself did not have the answer too. I was afraid. I was scared of losing her. I don't know why but when fear envelops me, I just run. I escape. 

Even now, when someone tells me to get close to another, I fear. I hesitate. Cassandra was telling me that I should get close to Alicia but somehow I'm holding myself back. Alicia's a girl who keeps things to herself. I know that. I recognise the signs. Somehow that makes me stinking afraid because Alicia in so many ways remind me of Yilian.

Don't get me wrong. Yilian is a very dear friend to me. It's just that these days, we've stopped talking and I'm afraid I'll lose her. I don't know. In sec four, we were so close. So freaking close. I could tell what she was thinking from her eyes and she could tell what I was thinking from the expression on my face but now, now it's like I barely know her anymore. She's becoming a stranger to me and I am freaked out. I don't understand why too. It scares me and makes me start to wonder..

WHY DO MY FRIENDS END UP DISTANCING AWAY FROM ME AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER?

I hate thinking about conflicts for that reason. They always never fail to bring me into depressing thoughts. I apologise. I meant to comfort you, not wallow in self pity. My point is just this, as much as life sucks now, trust me, it always gets better.

As for Winnie, well, guess what, I texted her just now and wished her a happy birthday and she replied thanks. It might not be much but to me, that's already enough. At least she still remembers who I am right? That's a first step and to me, marks the beginning of restoring an old friendship.

Sometimes, Elsie, it's those baby steps that matters. They are the start to reaching your goals, the beginning of a dream, the prologue to a story.. :)

The first step in healing..

We've all been wounded at one point or another. Be it mentally scarred by humans, animals, friends, family, etc.. We've all been hurt. We've all been let down. We've all been disappointed.

But Elsie, try to find the courage in you and start all over again okay? I know it's not easy, but you can do it right? Someone's in Gryffindor after all. HAHA. If a Slytherin me can do it, I'm sure you can too!

And omg I can't believe it, we're actually having interhouse relations haha. YAY TO PEACE AND HARMONY HAHA!

So yups, that's it. A picture ahead and I shall end this merry entry here. Goodbye!

Left to right: Zhi Hao, Yew Siong, Vincent, Andrew, ALIEN, Marcus.

day with Tingwei~

Yay! After exams and finally I'm blogging lol! ;D Haha. After aimm, Huini, Justin, Michelle and I headed to IKEA to eat and omg! THEIR MEAT BALLS ARE NICE!! :DD I won't recommend you to try anything else though hahaha. :D

And right directly after that I headed to Vivo with Cassandra to order Alicia's birthday cake haha. It's strawberry flavoured as per request haha. Can't wait for 7 September to come! Really looking forward to splashing water on Alicia's face and just giving her a huge birthday surprise haha.

Of course, with the end of exams marks the beginning of my China Trip. I can't believe it. Next week at this time, I'm gonna be stuck in China. Seems too surreal for me to catch on. I still haven't got over the fact that my exams are over. Much less this China trip haha. Hope that this will train me to be more independent though. God knows I'm too whiny these days even I disgust myself.

Anyway, let me continue ranting on my day with Tingwei today.. :DD Pictures ahead since I'm kinda lazy to blog content haha..

 

 

GOD OF WAR!!! #ROARS#

So overall, today was an enjoyable day hahaha! ;D And Elsie, I read your blog okay? And your blog post is the same old emo you again haha. Elsie ah Elsie, I lazy reply you only. If I had the energy I would spam a whole blog post about you but for now I'm tired. Just know that not all of your primary school friends ditch you. I mean, I'm here, aren't I? Yes, we ditched each other, but we found each other in the end so yours is a moot point haha.

I may not care enough to keep you back then, but I care enough to find you back. Makes sense? HAHA. Fate works in weird ways after all. :D Alright. Gonna end this entry here. Gotta find some inspiration to do Alicia's birthday present. CIAOS~

Ask no more.

Kay guys, conflict's settled so ask no more. I won't say a thing so yeah. Don't bother. Focus on more important stuff like clique outing instead okay? Thanks.

quarrels.

I hate this so much now. The first tear. The first break.. The sound of our hearts breaking..

Isn't it enough? Am I that bad of a friend that every month, there must be a quarrel?

Misunderstandings.

Do you know how much I hate you? I HATE YOU TO THE CORE!

I just want a break.

I NEED a break.

"Will you fly me away?"

Fly me..

A.

W.

A.

Y.