I was so disheartened by clinic rotation, my grades and everything else in this whole damn world I thought of just giving up on everything and return to my escapism way of living. Thought of abandoning my friends, thought of ditching Temasek Polytechnic, thought of everything else except suicidal ones. Totally felt like the whole world's one huge enigma out to get me, until I heard this song...
Yunho and Changmin, did I say how perfect you are? Cause you really are.
Rise is JUST the right song for me now. The lyrics... they really speak to me. And omg, totally love that line that Yunho sang about scars. Here are the lyrics:
Far away, the red sunset keeps inclining
I run until my breath reaches the bottom of my chin and hold out my hand but I can’t catch it
Were you disappointed? Foolishly thinking that the fading light is the end
Thinking that the days tediously repeat
If you give up because things are too hard
Will you truly be free from the pain that tortured you?
Don’t be afraid of countlessly falling down on this endless path and getting scarred deeply
When your scars come and go, time will come and heal it as it gives you new memories
When you are lost as you are out in the big ocean
Sometimes, you will fall down in the rain and wind
Of course everyone wants to put down the weapons of a cowardly life at least once
Tears that you shed because things are too hard
They will dry with the name of memories
Even if you wander in the thorny darkness and fall down, get up again
When you lift up your shadowy head, time will come without fail
And shine brightly on the path that was thick with shadows
Little by little, the silent miracles rise up
It will seep into you once again
Even if you fall down on the endless path, don’t cry, get up
When you lift up your shadowy head, time will definitely come
And shine brightly on the path that was thick with shadows
It will shine
I didn't tell you guys before but I was chatting with Michelle, Justin, Huini and Vincent when I suddenly opened up about my past on cutting at all and gosh, what the hell was I thinking back then? I am seriously horrified by what I did in the past. No joke.
What's worse? I can understand how did I fall into such a trap in the first place. It's easy to fall into self-pity. It's easy to fall into despair. I never picked myself up thereafter though. I just kept sinking down and down...
It's easy to hate yourself. It's more difficult to love yourself. I just have to keep reminding myself and the people around me that we are all perfect. We are all good good people with our strong suits and all. Reading Nelli's blogposts just remind me of myself cause everything she types there or rather 90% of what she says about self-hatred is what I feel too.
It's difficult to even find something good about yourself sometimes and this is one of the good old times. Lack of sleep plus lousy grades has made me semi delusional and crazy. I will randomly start crying for no reason. Not kidding. I think it's PMS-ing though or maybe I've just gone insane. Gotta credit my course manager for that.
But you know something, it's at times like this that I realise the worth and value of animals. Was really feeling upset yesterday when I walked down to the block where I always met my stray cat that I named PBC which is short for Plomp Butt Cat. I couldn't find it at first and because of that, I got really frustrated and upset. I started crying for no reason at all other than the fact that I was so pathetic that even my stray cat ran away from me and didn't want to return to me. Crazy right? Yeps. That's what lack of sleep can do to you. Anyway, I was really upset and like the good old days, unwanted thoughts started to sieve through my head again. (No cutting though. That's something I definitely won't do ever again.)
Then, I saw it; my stray cat PBC.
I don't know what to feel then. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I stopped in my tracks and just stared at it, letting the moment pass between us. Then, after a while, it meowed at me and I approached it, sitting next to it as it came over and rubbed against my thigh with its face.
Now all the above are what it normally does so it's no surprise, what came as the surprise was after it rubbed its face against me, it actually walked to me and started licking my fingers. (I was bawling by then. I blame this solely on hormones.) That just made me cry harder. It's as though at that instant, it was telling me to cheer up. Through its silent body language, it was comforting me to the best of its abilities. Afterwards, it sat next to me and waited for me to slowly overcome all the random sadness that sprung out of nowhere.
I am now indebted to that cat. Thank you PBC, you made my life so much better! Without you, I truly don't know where I'll be. Thank you. :)
People don't give stray cats enough credit man. :')
So yeps, don't talk to me unless you want a bawling Amelia on your hands. Ciaos~
P.S. Even Rise is making me cry... Oh Lord, Amelia. What have you become? *shakes head in disapproval*
