Escape

I hate it when I wake up to quarrels or loud noises. Don't you just feel irritated by it? I think it's downright annoying. Urgh.

Was supposed to go church today and here I am hiding away cause the crowd upstairs is terrible. I blame this all on myself. Or maybe not. I'm not making much sense am I?

I just hate the crowd. Hate the questions they ask. Hate the fact that I'm lying when they're asking me questions. I just hate everything! Today is just me being angry with myself for reasons even I don't know.

Thank God I didn't agree to meet Nelli. With my mood now, I'll snap at her and it'll just be one big horrible mess. :(

How do you describe these feelings? Lonely yet not wanting company. Sad yet having no reason to be sad... it's like I'm back in the past. The past me who had no friends for one whole semester. (That's 6 months for your info)

Okay. Maybe saying I have no friends is an exaggeration. I do have friends at that point of time. I just didn't have friends who noticed what was going on. What's going on anyway? Wtf is wrong with me?

I talked to Tingwei yesterday. These days I've been exploding everything on Tingwei. Poor her. I don't know why I'm like this also. These thoughts just invade my mind. Maybe I've been without church for too long. Maybe I'm going mad. Maybe this is me all along.

I wonder how long will it take for the rest of the church members to realise I'm not there. I wonder if I even care. I wonder what I'm wondering sometimes. My thoughts now are so disjointed. They're a swirl. I sense a mess stirring. Do I care? Nein.

I'm hiding in a corridor near the stairs. Yunho's voice is playing in my ears through the ear phones. There is no one here. No one here to find me, so why am I hiding? Why did Yew Siong asking me questions just made me wanna run run and run?

No. It's not him. It's me. I've gone mad. I don't want to see anyone right now. Church is starting at 4. What the fuck am I doing? I should be running to the venue now. It's 3.34pm. I should be going in. Why am I hiding? Why?

I hate this. I always do this. Run away when I face a problem. Run run and run. Why am I an escapist? Why?

Yunho.

What will you say to a fan like me?

What?

Taiwan day 2

Firstly, let me say this: Blogger app on phone sucks. I can't insert the picture that I want into the blog post because any picture inserted into this stupid blog has to be taken right away using a camera without allowing me the freedom to choose my lovely images from the Gallery. So don't ask me why all my pictures here are of the hotel rooms. I have no choice. Blogger is and has always been a PMSing bitch.

Anyway, onto the trip. Blogger the old hag can wait. Hmm... Day two in Taiwan is certainly different. I'm still in the Taibei area btw. It's cold out here with the weather being about 16 degrees Celsius on average. It's fun though. Feels like there's free air con everywhere hahaha.

Remember how I was talking about animal abuse in Taiwan yesterday? Well, today, I got to see a whole new side of Taiwan and how their animals are treated here. Has there been a significant change? YES. ABSOLUTELY. The dogs I've seen today are dogs with loving owners, owners who care about them and genuinely feel proud of the animals they have. It's a nice sight to see. Perhaps the sight I was greeted with yesterday isn't the majority but rather the minority. Taiwanese probably love their animals a lot. I just have to open my eyes and see it! ^^

Anyway, like yesterday we went to  some night street and had fun shopping for food (my parents) and souvenirs (me!). I've spent so much on souvenirs I don't think I should spend anymore money on this. Still, I don't have a choice. :/  I'm not done with half of my lists yet! (No exaggeration at all)

Sometimes, I look back at my life and I start to regret. Why on Earth do I have these much friends? It doesn't seem like I have many friends I know, but trust me, once you're shopping for souvenirs when you're overseas, even a little number of friends count! The world is that insane after all. ; (

Taiwan is pretty cool though. I eat most of the food here without much of a problem. That's surprising and good! I get to experience more of their culture this way. ^^

And thanks to Twitter also, I've just realised something: Results are gonna be released on 25 March.

Am I nervous? Hell yeah. The last semester is so crazy I can't even describe it in proper English words except for this: fucked up

The school fucked up. We as students fucked up. Teachers rushed through the syllabus and fucked up. Everyone is fucked up but in the end, the one that suffers the most through this vicious cycle of fuck ups is us students: the one who fucked up.

*sighs*

The future is as bleak as my skin stained in urine. :( I don't wanna go to school anymore. :(

I REFUSE! D:

*stuck in denial*

Bye guys!

Nighty

It's freezing here in 台北 but the lessons I've learned from just a day in this foreign land have been precious and important.

It's always cool to travel around the world. I've always love the sense of freedom and the budding curiosity in me as I embark on a journey and step into the foreign land. Some people are welcoming. Others, like our fellow Singaporeans are not. Still, I was REALLY excited coming here, seeing as I've heard so many good reviews about this place.

It's only been a day and yet, I'm already disappointed. The food is good. Yes it really is, but the number of cases of animal abuse here is just plain terrible. It started out like this. My family and I were heading to 西门町 with the rest of the tour group to explore the 夜市 of 台北。The tour guide was explaining about the procedures and stuff but my mind was elsewhere, having drifted off the moment he started talking about timings and schedules. I then noticed something out of the corner of my eye: 狗猫911

I wondered what was that. It was especially intriguing as live dogs were present at the 狗猫911 booth. I thought they were like how the people were in Shanghai: selling dogs by the roadside. Ha. I was sorely mistaken. 猫狗911 was a rescue organisation. It was raising funds to save the dogs lives and find them a better home. Over there at the booth, two dogs were displayed. One had its legs chopped off. The other had its eyes dug out. The whole scene was so horrific, so terrible I really felt like crying and killing someone at the same time. Yet you know what? The dogs still trust in humans, still have faith in them, still believe in them.. still love them.

The dogs weren't angry or vengeful. They were regretful. They were lost. All they had on their minds was the word why. Why why and why. Seeing the unspoken pleas of the dogs make me helpless. It makes me weak. I can't do anything to help sigh. I can only donate, and donate I did.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day. No more suffering dogs please. AMEN.

Byeeee and nights.

Don't worry

This picture just sums up all the feelings I've been having this whole week.

be strong

Dedicating this post to Nelli.

When I first read your text, Nelli, I flipped out. Be it out of anger or disappointment or whatsoever I don't know. I was just angry. Angry at myself for not picking up your call. Angry at your boyfriend for not being there when you need him that moment, angry at the foolish actions, angry at what life threw both you and him.

But then, when you said, "You should understand. You've been through this before."

I realised it's time to have a blast back from the past. I forgot how it felt like, or rather, I didn't want to remember. I tried to erase such bad memories away and I succeeded. My secondary 4 year has nothing memorable. Too much death. Too much emo. Too much conflict. They are all memories I want to erase permanently from my mind, until now...

I read back my blog posts. Whether it started out as a refresher course to try and attempt and place myself in your shoes or just a self-reflection time for myself, I never know. I just went ahead and read them. Boy, what have I been writing these past few years? I wonder to myself. What exactly have I been writing man?

My words were rather like yours, Nelli, and looking back, I think I can understand a little of the self-loathing and despair you're feeling right now. In fact, I don't think it ever does fade away does it? Haha. In fact, I'm starting to think that every girl has low self-esteem even if they don't admit it. Puberty made us this way. Lol.

Anyway, I'm not good with words so here goes: A SONG FOR YOU HAHAHA!

"Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue?

Do you feel like your sinking? 

Are you sick of the rain after all you've been through? 

Well I know what you're thinking 

When you can't take it 

You can make it 

Sometime soon I know you'll see 

'cause when your in you're darkest hour 

And all of the light just fades away 

When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray 

Well hang on and be strong 

Where taking each step one day at a time 

You can't loose your spirit 

Let live and let live forget and forgive 

It's all how you see it 

And just remember keep it together 

Don't you know you're never alone 

No you're not defeated 

And soon you'll be smiling once again 

Then you won't have to feel it 

Let it go with the wind 

Time passes us by 

And know that you're allowed to cry."

peek into the past~

Sometimes, I get real tired of blogging, but now, I'm real thankful for it. I get to see my life grow. :) With every new page (I mean webpage), I get to see how my life have been transformed by others and how I'm actually transforming others' lives.

You know, much of the people I know actually share the mindset that humans are awful creatures while animals are best cause they're forgiving and selfless etc. But despite all the harsh words said, I've come to realise that yes, I've never lost my hope in trusting the people around me.

Sure, I've complained. I've moaned. I've groaned, but somehow, there's just something in me that says, "I don't want to give up on this. I don't want to."

To my record, there has only been one 'friend' that I totally gave up on. Well, many of you will know her. She's Jovin, my so-called secondary school friend. I was in the toilet cubicle minding my own business when I heard her and Aik Kein entering the washroom. Jovin badmouthed me. Haha. And like the idiot that I was, I stayed in the cubicle, afraid to come out. I didn't know how to react. I thought she was my BFF. Evidently, she was not. After they left, I remembered walking to the school hall feeling aimless and lost. It was during NAPFA test. I met Sien and she just sat next to me. I thought she'll complain about how "I totally deserved it" and all but she didn't. Okay. Then I failed my sit and reach and BOOMZ.

I cried.

So yes, Sien, yay for you! You get to witness me crying hahaha. After that incident, I thought I would never trust people again but I didn't. I think if there was ever a good point in me, I would say this: I trust people easily. In fact, too easily. Weird part is? THAT DOES NOT BOTHER ME AT ALL.

I've learned so much from the people I've met, both in primary, secondary and polytechnic. Now, when the semester starts, it's gonna be the final year in polytechnic. Despite all the complains and moans, I don't think I'm ready for the outside world just yet. :X But we've gotta carry on right? We've gotta keep living. Gotta keep striving on...

Another good thing about keeping a blog since I was in secondary school and reviving it is that I truly get to see how dumb/foolish/emo/selfish I was back then. It's a really eye-opening experience to witness my emotions changing from dark to happy to dark back again. As mentioned in the previous post, depression is like an ocean. There are highs, and there are lows. You've just gotta learned how to ride them out.

I've come to realise this though: Every unfortunate thing in our lives happen for a reason. If not for whatever I have gone through in secondary 4 I wouldn't become the girl I am today. I am thankful. Death is a horrible thing but it matured me. It forced me to face realities. For that, I'm SUPER thankful. My grandmothers gave me the most important life lesson before they left. They taught me to cherish life, and everything bad that is going around in it.

And since we're on the topic of teaching I've gotta thank all my friends for teaching me the right stuff needed on this journey in life haha. Even when we quarrel, even when I'm upset, the quarrels aren't ever bad enough to sink me to where I was before so that's definitely something I'm thankful for. Hell, I came into polytechnic expecting to stick to a clique forever but look now, I actually made male friends! (very rare for me.)

For that, I'm just super thankful hahaha. I read somewhere on Twitter yesterday that a psychologist said if a friendship lasted more than 7 years, then it would last forever.

Does that mean that my friendships with you guys will last forever? :P I sure hope so...

A quick peek into the past and see how much we've changed. Teehee.

P.S. If you aren't this pictures, I apologise but it's most likely due to human error or the fact that I haven't taken a photo with you yet, namely the poly clique.

CAN clique

Skyping with Vivian! ;)

A super rare photo of Sien and me. I forced her to take it. XD

Shimin and me

My boyfriend hahahaha!~~

sexy me with Vernise's hands. RIP Vernise. :)

China Studies clique

Sand Amelia

Pig Yilian and me

I'm surprised she let me post this up haha. Tingwei. :)

Look at how silly I was back then

Michelle and me

Elsie Tay and Me

Sheryl and I

Cassies~

Cake punched~

to the peeps who don't know what a tuba is

And that's it. Hee~

breaking point

There comes a point when everything that builds up within you just comes crashing down. I think I hit that point today. Everyone who should have felt like my friends just felt like my enemies in that instant. If I were to describe it in further detail, it'll be as though my whole world was suddenly painted in black and white. I could see no color. Wherever I turned, there was darkness.

"Imagine Depression as an ocean. Everyone is in it. But as long as you stay afloat, you will not sink. Weak swimmers, meaning us who are negative, we sink. Deeper and deeper.... And once you reach a certain level of depth in the ocean, the pressure gets so big you begin to feel numb. In order to feel again, this people harm themselves to get rid of the numbness. It doesn't work in making them feel better, but they do it bc they want to feel something from being numb so long. "

Directly looted this from Nelli's blog. It makes a hell lot of sense now that she phrased it that way haha. She thought of depression as an ocean. I always thought of it as a gigantic pit of darkness. The deeper you fall, the harder to climb back up. You can struggle. You can grasp that rope hanging midst the darkness but there is no guarantee that you'll ever get up, no guarantee you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Work's been making me really irritated for some reasons. I don't know why too. I just flare up at the slightest things now. Everything's annoying me. I used to have a higher tolerance level for certain oblivious friends of mine but now it's all gone. My sanity fled me. Goodbye, sanity!

Alright. I know. I'm stalling. Why did I suddenly leave the clique chat whatsapp group? Why did I leave the private chat with Tingwei and Yilian? Why, why and why? I can give you the answers to those questions but to me, there's really no point in explaining. I feel what I feel. I do what I do. If I've done something, it's obvious that there will be a reason. If you don't even know the reason, then that means you've not really been noticing me now, have you?

You know, I was just browsing Twitter a few days ago when I chanced upon Nelli tweeting this: 

My boss thinks I'm not sociable because I don't have many friends.

I don't agree with that statement at all. Quantity of friends does not determine sociability. Look! According to majority of my friends, I have many friends. Wow. On the surface, everything looks perfect. I have so many people to turn to when I need help. I have people to hang out with in the holidays. YES! I have a social life and that's the best life ever~

...Hell if that's true. More friends just mean that there are more problems than before. Every friendship needs time and effort to grow and mature. Think of friendship as a little seed you plant in a pot. Without water and sunlight, that seed will never grow and blossom into a plant. The same goes for friendship as well! If you don't water it, it'll never grow. It'll never become the beautiful plant it's meant to be.

Much of my friendships are heading down that path now. I've been pretending that nothing's wrong, that everything's just going the way that it is but times like this, I'm sick of pretending. I have friends that I'm NOT close with. I finally can say that with an open heart. I have some 'friends' I don't know if I consider them as my friends or not. I have 'friends' who basically ignore my existence until they need my help/advice or some shit like that. I have 'friends' who only stick with me cause they want something from me. That sucks. I hate admitting it but it's the truth.

I hate this. I place much emphasis on true friendship. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that. I don't mind if you can't reciprocate it, but the least you could do is to take the initiative right? I don't expect it to be done all the time either. Just take the time and ask me out once to eat a dinner together or something. That will make my day and it won't even require much effort on your part, but sighs, that's too much to ask for right? Everything's too much to ask for.

I have excellent friends, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm only close with half of the friends I have now. There are only a selective few that I truly feel our friendships blossoming into flowers and bearing fruits. Others are on the verge of dying, withering away...

Plants can't have too much Sun, nor too much water. That's why relationships are always a two way street. You can't have one party contributing to the friendship more than the other. It doesn't make sense. The plant will just wither and die.

And that's the cruel truth that's happening now. The plants are withering. My garden of life is being destroyed. I have nothing now. All I see are the brown crusted leaves, the forgotten memories of yesterday...

You know something, having many friends is truly a curse hidden as a disguise of a blessing. More friends; more trouble. That statement is gonna stick with me from now on. You know how I always say I wash my hands off everything? I don't mean it most of the time but this time around, if this continues, I'm really gonna have to stop caring and not cross the line anymore.

I'm done. Done caring. Done taking the initiative. Done thinking. Done wondering. Done watering the plant of our friendship that is bound for death. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing.

I'm tired. I was mad before but now, there's nothing left. I feel kinda bad for Tingwei though. I just exploded at her without warning, but that's okay right? That's the truest side she'll ever see of me ever. Haha. Maybe I'm not as transparent as I think I am after all! 

.......

Alright. I'm getting nowhere. The anger is gone but instead of disappointment, I find myself feeling nothing but fatigue and fatigue alone. I'm so tired, friends. Can I stop fighting for my beliefs? Can I stop insisting that friendships truly exist? I sought to prove that friendships could last years but now, I find it hard to even maintain a friendship beyond three years.

Am I really not destined for it, or are friendships just difficult to maintain in general? 

Questions. Questions and questions again. Where are my answers? Where are they? I'm tired of wandering again. I hate these supposed 'lows' of my life. They make me fall deeper into the pit. Now I'll need more energy to climb back up, more energy to plaster that stupid smile on my face.

No, my life's not perfect. It's time I stopped pretending it is.

心事若不能对你说，那我们之间还能算是好朋友吗？

emo

 

"Sometimes, I feel like just quarreling with all of my friends and family & live in some deserted place alone."

走过了；

遗失了；

再也找不回来了。

如果一直执著于过去的情感，那么人不就会被过去所困吗？

我不想那么傻了。

Every decision has a consequence.

我做的决定，后果一定自负。

再见。

“像拉鍊般走過街，拉開回憶的情節。
當然，死去的範圍，包括你的某一面；
雖然─先不論多傻─你也曾幻想，在無花果樹裡尋花。

放棄未來的渴盼，告別昨日的狂野，
明天在什麼世界，身邊還會有個誰，
失去感情的能力─無論要求或給予─曾有的愛還在不在？

多少次寧願都重新開始，
過去一直去，未來一直來，只有現在......

同地點同時間同樣的臉，
同樣的一個我一顆心忽然已明白；
夢中的浮士德迷路幾遍，
說不定就撿到遺失很久的那一塊。

像盲目的季節來來回回，
不管黑夜怎麼長，白晝總會到來。
就像沒有路的森林衝破了天，
終於了解，生命必須有裂縫，陽光才照得進來

還未到來。將要，未來。
就快未來。”

-近未來, 蘇打綠

update!

Hi guys, sorry for not updating this good for nothing blog. These days, I'm so tired after work I just wanna chill out by playing the computer and watching Phoenix Wright gameplay that I haven't been typing anything at all. As far as being a blogger and fanfic author goes, I really have no sense of responsibility. My fanfic's dead. My blog's dead. I'm half dead myself. Might as well just let this blog rot more haha. ROT BLOG ROT! I command thee~

Alright. Some news or rather important things in my life you should know about. Hmm. Let's see. Oh yeah! I'm working at Tampines Mall's Ajisen Ramen now with Huini and the pay is kinda okay okay. It's quite political though. I just realised it a little too late. Fine by me haha. Ignorance is bliss right? :) Besides getting a job, I've also updated my phone plan and do you know what that means? IT MEANS THAT I FINALLY HAVE 3G! *claps claps*

Haha. And to amend my previous statement in some blogpost earlier, well, I would love to meet every single one of my friends okay? I just mentioned some names above others cause the only time I would get to meet them is during the hols so yeah, I kind of prioritize them above some friends. It might be bad of me but it really just seems more logical to me. I AM NOT SAYING I DON'T WANT TO MEET ANY FRIEND OKAY? Just clearing the air up.

And friends, if you're disappointed over your A level results, don't be. What's so depressing about it? You can't get into a university of your choice? You can't go anywhere? You're stuck? Well, just think about this, 4 years down the road, is this gonna matter to you anymore? Are your employers gonna look at your A level grades or your working experience? Don't be too upset okay? It's fine if you're just sad, but don't let the sadness overwhelm you or take control of you~ Be optimistic! Things really aren't that bad right? At least you won't have to retake As again! Besides, nursing is always an option and being a nurse is a real self-fulfillment job. I ain't even kidding about it! :D

Cheer up okay? :D I love every single one of you!

teehee. ;D