explain feelings

This is often too true for me. I get sad about so many things in life that I become so mad at myself for feeling so much sometimes. I don't get why I'm so sensitive or why I see the need to reach out to all my friends even though I know sometimes that it's gonna end in a broken heart for me. It sucks cause I know that but I still keep trying.

But the question I hate the most has to be this: What's wrong with you?

*takes a deep breath in*

I hate that question, really. Every time I blog an 'emo' post on this blog, friends who care will ask me that question in concern for my well being. While I really appreciate the thought, the question just makes me pissed cause it's in a way forcing me to give you an answer even though I have absolutely no idea at all.

Okay, I have an inkling of what's going on in my mind and the stupid negative thoughts floating in that blank space of mine but that doesn't mean that I'm inclined to share it. I don't share my thoughts with many friends. It isn't about trust sometimes. It's denial. It's me not wanting to accept that that's how I really think of myself, deep down in the bottom of my heart.

But you know what? Life's cool this way. It doesn't care if you're ready or not. It doesn't give a shit if you're emotionally turmoiled or happier than a stupid damn lark. It just keeps rolling on no matter what happens. Quoting my favourite conductor Mr Tan, "Life goes on." Doesn't matter how shitty life is; it'll progress despite it all. Life's a bitch that waits for no man.

My brain's a little muddled by the way so excuse all the spelling errors and all that crap. So yeah, basically what I'm trying to say is, I'm trying to move on in life. It's tough but I'm trying. 

Remember the quote that says that the greatest enemy is ourselves? Well, that quote is freaking true. I hate the thoughts that float through my mind sometimes, so much so that I choose to avoid the world that I live in to live in the world I created inside my mind instead. The living world's filled with too much disappointment. Mind world's better hahaha. It makes me feel secure and safe. It makes me feel like I belong somewhere and that feeling is great.

It tempts me with my greatest desire, fulfills my wish to be invisible but I know it can't last for long. I will have to face reality one day. I will have to get stronger. 

I used to think that to combat sadness, I had to find happiness. Just like how if one's feeling depressed, the psychiatrist will advise her/him to seek reasons to live. Now, however, I know it's different. It's not about finding happiness. It's about battling sadness. It's about not letting the sadness in you take over your very being. You nip that in the bud, cast its evil roots away from your body and spit it out of your mouth and let it rot in the soil for ages to come. 

The above quote summarises my feelings perfectly haha. ;) WAY TO GO TUMBLR. You have the best quotes ever. *applause to Tumblr*

-claps claps-

Anyway, I was talking to Shimin recently and our conversation went something like this: 

(this conversation is only 70% accurate so it's clearly not a reliable source. trust at your own risk)

Shimin: So why you suddenly like that?

Me: I've felt this for a long time already. I think it's just cause last time I'm so busy focused on all of my friends I never really had time to sit down and think for myself. Now, I have time.

And that's true. Throughout my life, I've always been solving my friends' issues and I've never had the time to really sort through all the emotions I'm feeling. Every time my friends show remorse or regret at the mistakes they've made, I forgive them readily despite my heart's protests. I'm not ready to forgive but I always will. That's really pretty dumb of me huh?

Maybe I just don't learn from my mistakes hmmm. 

Alright ending this awesome entry with an awesome quote:

TADA

n****

I've been thinking for a long time now: What is the definition of happiness? 

Reading Nelli's blog just made me feel so much I don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps that's why I first started the one word replies. It wasn't that I felt nothing. It sounds like some pathetic excuse but it's the truth. I feel so upset and angry at the same time I can't explain it.

I'm angry. I'm angry cause you're not happy and subconsciously, I'm blaming you for it. Why can't you be happy without Joel? Why are you clinging to a guy who doesn't even care about you? 

On the other hand, I'm upset. Why is he being such a jerk? Why has he broken your heart despite promising he won't do so. If I knew it'll come to this, I would never have helped brought you two together. In fact, after this mess, I've officially laid off my friends' romantic lives. I don't have the best judge of character, I'm seeing that now.

I wish you'll find happiness but I know you won't. The picture on your blog, it spoke so much to me.

And the blogpost that followed thereafter, it's killing me. I don't know what to say. It seems selfish of me if I ask you to stay in this world if you're so unhappy but I know it'll kill me if you leave. I don't express my feelings well but you mean something to me. I worry about you. I think of you. I pray for you. I wish I can make your sadness disappear but the fact that I can't, well, it sucks.

I don't know what makes you happy anymore and I have a feeling that you don't either. You're struggling to live, I know, cause I'm struggling to live too. Both of us together would be negative energy feeding off each other. That's why I'm avoiding hanging out with you. I'm not an optimistic person and right now, I think you need someone more cheerful, someone more hopeful.

To be honest, it does seem really easy to let go huh? I mean what's the point of living if you're unhappy each day? You have everything but it means nothing to do if you can't even comprehend the basic emotion of happiness? I can't say I understand you cause I don't think I really do. But I can understand the feeling of happiness slipping away from you. I can understand the feeling of helplessness as the waves of sadness crashes over you once more. I can understand the pain that creeps in as the night falls, the despair that traps you as you struggle to breathe. I don't understand panic attacks, but I understand the battle it takes to keep breathing, to keep striving to an impossible goal of happiness in your life.

In all honesty, no, I don't know how to feel anymore. Your post makes me depressed but not in the 'I wanna kill myself way' but in the 'I wish depression was a sentient being just so I can stab it in the face and watch it burn'. I feel so angry at depression and panic attacks right now. I wish I could kill them.

In the end, well, I don't know what I can say to you anymore. If you want, we can hang out. I don't mind that. I never do. I just wanted some space and right now, I think I'm ready again. I'm hanging in there.

I don't know if it helps your suicidal feelings but find yourself a reason to live for and remind yourself each day that that's the reason why you're battling that horrible mental disease that consumes soul. It sounds horribly idealistic but it has worked for me. Give it a try at least?

By the way, as horrible as it sounds, my reasons are not my family. They won't die without me. They have my sisters and though it'll hurt for a while, I know it won't last long. As much as I would like to believe that I leave a mark on people's lives, well, I don't think that's the case. ;) I'm not that memorable after all.

My anchor to life is really just Tingwei hahaha. It sounds so corny when I say it (it really is) but if I ever commit suicide, I know she'll be the most affected out of ALL my friends. I'm not even saying it as a lie. Me and her, well, we only have each other. Sure, she has other friends too, but the friendship between us, well, it's just something really special. If I ever fall out with her, I don't know what will happen to me. I'll probably revert back to suicidal me but well, let's take happiness as long as it last huh? (no pressure, Tingwei)

So yeah, Nelli, find your anchor kay? At least promise me you'll try. If you have given your very best and happiness still evades you, I'll just believe in whatever you choose to do next okay? It's gonna be hard but if you believe that a certain decision makes you really happy then I'm gonna try to believe. I might hate you afterwards but I'll try.

Promise me you'll try. You'll find that anchor and when it doesn't work, you'll visit a counsellor to get your issues sorted out. I know you're afraid of the negative stigma so you can just seek a school counsellor that's not really official or whatever. Promise me you'll seek out a professional at least. Tell me you'll try to battle this before you make any decisions to die. I mean, that's all I really ask for.

And that concludes this blog post.

Goodbye..

我学会了自己一个人，聆听着寂寞的风声，默认着眼泪的咸涩。在这爱情的长跑中，我失去了太多，剩下的空虚也只剩回亿陪我度过。原来爱情里没有所谓的对与错，一切不过是伤痛或幸福的后果。脚步停了，放弃了，是时候该放手了。爱情的感情线注定不会与我相见。

I miss you

I'm a horrible internship partner. I annoyed Cheng Ze really badly today. He really wanted to slap me haha cause I wouldn't stop singing. It feels pathetically sad when I'm saying this but annoying him gives me something to focus on you know? When I'm not talking to anyone, it feels like I'm floating around with all sorts of thoughts in my head; thoughts that never ever did make sense. The annoyance I feel from our bantering keeps me grounded. It kinda reminds me of time ya know? It tells me that I'm still here.

Even when Jesslynn (the new girl) and him left the laboratory, I still continued singing to myself. I was singing on and on until my brain just went blank for a second cause I forgot the next line to Love In The Ice and my mouth just gaped open like a stupid fish out of water. It isn't possible. I'm staring into blank space wondering how, exactly how the fuck did I manage to forget Love In The Ice cause that's just not happening in this lifetime. It's not happening and it ain't a possibility, except that now it apparently is and my memory's going down the drain fast.

It's stupid. So damn stupid cause when I googled the lyrics, I actually remember them. I'll read a line and sing the next line out on my own. Then I'll forget the next line, read the damn phone and continue singing as though I know the song in the back of my mind.

It's so fucking frustrating. It's like my brain's not working or something. FUCK YOU BRAIN. I thought my memory issues and focusing problems were due to insufficient sleep but I slept at 8 plus last night and I'm still like this. The only exception being that for the first time in my life, my sleep's restless. I woke up at 2am, 4am, 4.30am, 5am and 6am respectively and no, I did not set a fucking alarm what the fuck.

I dreamt of weird shit too. Two nights before, I dreamt that I was slashing my wrists with a penknife. However, no matter the number of times I did it, I felt no pain at all. I was staring at the bloody marks on my wrists (both of them) and I felt fucking nothing. It isn't even numbness. It's just nothingness. A fucking vacuum if you will, or maybe that's my sanity on a platter haha.

Last night was worst though. I hate last night's dream. I don't even know why I hate last night's dream so much. It's so ridiculous now that I'm thinking about it but gosh, it's fucked up. I dreamt that there's this crazy old lady who for some odd reason or another came into my uncle's house and started proclaiming she's my dead grandmother. Apparently, she said she's not dead and she had to fake her death to hide away from some people in order to save our lives. It's so stupid but everyone believed her except for me.

It's honestly upsetting for me in the dream. I don't know how to explain to you. Everyone keeps asking her questions about my grandmother and somehow she manages to answer all the questions. She makes everyone cry. She makes everyone have this false sense of hope that their mother, my grandmother is back and that's just super fucked up. I remember feeling damn pissed. I remember asking her the question I asked my grandmother back when she was dying on the hospital bed.

This stupid imposter obviously replied a load of bullshit. Well, needless to say, dream me was livid. When she uttered the answer, I just lost it. It's like my whole body went on fire or something. All I could think of was how fucking wrong everything sounded coming from her lips and how much I want to kill her for even trying to pretend to be my grandmother like what the fuck.

I knew at that point that my grandmother's not coming back and this stupid fake imposter should just shut the hell up and fuck off. Long story short, with the help of some research skills, my sister and cousin, we managed to prove that this fucking old lady is bat shit crazy and she isn't our grandmother or my uncles' and aunties' mother.

And in my dream, when the truth got out, everyone started sobbing and they started looking at me with eyes of despair. Their dreams were broken and the pain was so visible in their eyes I positively cringed from it. The police had come to take the fraud away as she had cheated other families of their money while proclaiming to be their long lost/dead relative. My uncle was screaming at the old lady as she entered the police car.

"Why did you have to lie to us? Why do you have to give us hope then take it all away?"

At the back of the room, one of my aunt's just sobbing to herself while my other aunt was muttering under her breath, "Why did it have to be a fake? Why couldn't it be real?"

I woke up by then, staring at the darkness of my living room realising all the past events were just a fucking dream. It fucking sucks okay? Cause at that instant when that stupid crazy old lady came through the door, I remember feeling hope like I never did before. I know now that the regret's just catching up to me. I'll allow the guilt to sink in longer but I don't think it's ever gonna go away.

It sucks. That dream really stole my soul away. It's not even that intense but damn, it really does slam in the fact that my grandmother's not coming back huh? Perhaps something in me hasn't caught up to that fact yet. It's been fucking 3 years, Amelia, grow up. She's dead. She ain't coming back.

I never told anyone this but when I received news that my grandmother was dead, I retraced her time of death to the activity I was doing at the time she was dying and it seems super fucked up but we three sisters were watching Howl's Moving Castle at that time and it's fucking masochistic but I can't help thinking of my grandmother gasping for her breath as she prays frantically for someone to save her while I was laughing in my living room watching some stupid animation movie that really isn't worth shit compared to her. I know I'm feeling some stupid form of guilt but no one ever said that it won't ever go away. I don't even know how to deal anymore. I'll be honest.

It sucks cause my other grandmother died a few months later and I never got to tell her thank you for everything she has done for me cause I didn't expect her to not be able to take the heart surgery for fuck's sake. She was healthy. She was fit as a bull okay? She single-handedly raised my mom and my aunts and uncles up. She isn't supposed to end up dying at the age of 75. It just isn't fucking fair. Fuck.

All that I have of her is a fucking blanket. She stitched it up herself and I sleep with it every night since I was a little girl, even till now. I remember my mum telling her that I really liked the blanket a lot. She stitched another for me and gave it to me a few days later. I didn't even say thank you. I'm an ungrateful ingrate. I remember Chinese New Years. I remember the vegetarian kidney that she always used to cook for us. It tasted fucking delicious. I miss it so much my heart aches. Chinese New Years just don't feel the same anymore. I can't even look the dish straight in the eye now. It disgusts me cause I know, I won't ever find back the taste that I want again. She's gone. She's not coming back. They're all gone.

Damn.

All this feels coming from just one stupid dream. Maybe it's better if I'm disconnected after all. I don't want to feel this all over again.

I should just try the sleep deprivation method again.

I don't want to dream no more.

depersonalisation-derealisation disorder

Photography by MEEEEEEEEEEE~

I don't usually self-diagnose myself. Being a veterinary technician or rather learning to be one, I do realise that not everything that's on the Internet is believable but this time, I've got to admit. I couldn't resist it.

It's just odd. I've known that I don't have depression for a very long time now. I don't feel the same as Nelli do. I don't feel sad that often. Okay. Yes I do have moments when I feel sad but that's it. I just don't feel happy anymore. Everyday feels like a dream. Even when I'm doing experiments, there are just lapses of time in between that I can't explain. I'll remember doing a step and the next moment as I glance up at the clock, 10 minutes would have passed even though I don't remember doing anything. Here's the weird thing: I really was doing something. I just don't remember.

Every single day I'll have to ask my internship partner Cheng Ze for the date cause I don't remember. I'm always lagging a day behind. Ask him if you wish! That asshole always laughs at me for it. I've gotta admit though, this inability to grasp time is really affecting my major project and experimental skills.

Not only have I been losing the sense of time, I've also lost the ability to focus. Okay. I've gotta admit to myself, I've lost this ability long ago. I didn't want to admit to myself but towards the last days of band, I already found myself being unable to focus on the music when I'm playing it. My mind would drift off and I would miss the note entirely. It's one of the major reasons I quit band really. I've lost something and I don't think I can ever get it back.

I get my age wrong sometimes y'know? People will ask me how old I am and I'll reply 18 years old even though I'm obviously 19. I just don't seem to be able to tune into the world anymore, for lack of a better word. I'm distancing from my friends. I can feel it but you know what's more upsetting? I'm upset that I'm not more upset about that than I usually am. Even when I was cutting the other time (the most recent one), I didn't feel guilty the next day. I felt the pain but it was muted. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. It's weird to be honest. I feel like I'm in a movie. I'm the side character and I'm just watching everyone in the play, living their lives to the fullest. I'm disconnected and I don't know how to reconnect back.

It's just so weird you know? You get used to talking to yourself in your head you don't know how to stop it anymore. I can be talking to you but at the same time, I'm doing my own commentary in my head and it makes me so distracted cause believe it or not, having two conversations at the same time is really kinda overwhelming.

My supervisors don't get why I can't focus on my experiments. I don't get it myself. I really try sometimes but it just slips away like my mind's running away from me or something. When I'm with my family, I don't feel like I belong to them somehow. I feel like I'm interacting with them, smiling and laughing at appropriate times but it feels like I'm not there somehow. I feel like a damn SIM character. People are controlling my actions. I'm not there. I don't feel there.

My experiments are all getting screwed up. My major project's looking at a C plus grade now but I can't feel the panic at all. I don't even want to make an effort to do my logbooks and stuff you know? It's like my heart's a stone sometimes. It doesn't feel a damn thing. -.- Now I hate it.

Anyway, back to my original point, I was researching my feelings (I basically typed what I was feeling into Google) and I got back a surprising result.

Symptoms

Persistent and recurrent episodes of depersonalization or derealization or both cause distress and problems functioning at work or school or in other important areas of your life. During these episodes, you are aware that your sense of detachment is only a feeling, and not reality.

The experience and feelings of the disorder can be difficult to describe. Worry about "going crazy" can cause you to become preoccupied with checking that you exist and determining what's actually real.

Depersonalization-derealization disorder

Depersonalization symptoms

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

• Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body, perhaps as if you were floating in air above yourself
• Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements
• The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
• Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
• A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories

Derealization symptoms

Symptoms of derealization include:

• Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings, perhaps like you're living in a movie 
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
• Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
• Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
• Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

Episodes of depersonalization-derealization disorder may last hours, days, weeks or even months at a time. In some people, these episodes turn into ongoing feelings of depersonalization or derealization that may periodically get better or worse

The ones I highlighted are the ones I'm feeling right now, every single day. I feel connected sometimes but it usually doesn't last long. I'm so pissed right now cause this is apparently an 'avoidance' self defense mechanism and fuck me if I know what the hell I'm avoiding cause I really wanna stop feeling this DISCONNECTED okay?

I wanna go out and feel everything. The only emotion I feel these days are either sadness or anger and that's fucked up. :( I hate feeling disconnected from my family and friends. I hate feeling like I don't belong there or I'm some invisible being they can't see. My mum buys new clothes for me and I can't even say thank you cause the feeling of gratitude isn't there. I know I sound like a spoiled brat but it's fucking true. Logically speaking I know I should feel grateful but I just don't feel it.

I thought cutting would solve the issue. I thought cutting would bring me back to reality but it's like I'm slipping away. I'm starting to think I'll never find a way back now. But it's so weird you know? I still cry, I still laugh but the emotions I feel are fleeting. They're here in a second and they're gone in the next. I wanna experience them but they fly away and I'm left feeling hollow inside.

If this persists any longer I'll just throw my hands up in the air and talk to a freaking counsellor okay? Cause it scares me when I don't feel a thing. It genuinely freaks me out. Shit.

By the way, I like how the website has a 'When to see a doctor section'

When to see a doctor

Passing feelings of depersonalization or derealization are common and aren't necessarily a cause for concern. But ongoing or severe feelings of detachment and distortion of your surroundings can be a sign of depersonalization-derealization disorder or another physical or mental health disorder.

See a doctor if you have feelings of depersonalization or derealization that:

• Are disturbing you or are emotionally disruptive
• Don't go away or keep coming back
• Interfere with work, relationships or daily activities

It's interfering with my internship now dammit. -.- I need to pass this stupid thing. (Notice how I used the word 'need' but not 'want'.)

Alright, goodbye guys. I'm sleeping.

Cat: WTF is going on in here?!

To Nelli

I don't sing well but after reading the words you posted on your blog, I felt like singing and so I recorded it and made a little video.

It's unlisted so don't go around giving the video link to the whole damn world cause I'm way off key at the back part. Other than that, well, here's a sneak peek at my feelings after reading your blog entry.

Ciaos~

Last Apologies (poemish)

I’m sorry 

For the words I had to say

The bitter hard truth we had to face

I know there is no other way

But if I could, I’ll ask you to stay

I’m sorry

For the pain caused along the way

The wounds I know that scar your mind

If only the night would come alive

I would ask you if you could stay behind

Baby don’t blame Fate, it isn’t her fault

It’s mine for the feelings and the love that came along

I thought that fairy tales were made for me and you

But now I know the stories won’t ever come true

Baby we’re fire and we’ve been burnt alive

It’s time we leave here before we all die

The chapter has ended but the love ain’t a lie

You know I love you but it’s time for goodbye

I’m sorry

If these words are hurting you

I hate myself for breaking the truth 

But I know there isn’t any other way

You know that I won’t ask you to stay

I’m sorry

Don’t think you’re why we’re here 

You were perfect even amidst the tears

It wasn’t you but me, I feared

I won’t ask you to stay for real

Baby we’re done, you’ve felt it too

It hurts and it burns but we’re getting through

The harder it hits, the brighter we will be

So tell me you’ll leave me, spare me the sympathy

Baby we’re ice and we’re freezing cold inside

It’s time we part our ways and you know that I am right

There is no happy ending to this story we have made

You know that I love you but let’s end it on this page

Llao Llao with Tingweiiiiiiiii~

The photo is taken by me okay? Let's credit that to me first haha. :)

Alright, I'm lazy to type so I'm just gonna spam pictures.

Llao Llao

"You make me smile brighter than any light I've ever seen."

sorry

This is a pretty accurate description of what I'm feeling haha. It's not that I'm always sad, you know. I feel neutral at times. I've never really come close to happiness but I'm getting there. Maybe someday I'll look back and I'll laugh. I'll be in bliss cause maybe then I'll finally be comfortable in my own skin. The sadness isn't dissipating but hey, at least I'm getting there...?

The future seems scary to me, to be honest. I have no idea how to progress from here. Currently, my intern supervisors don't have a very good impression of me. Majority of the blame lies on me, but the minority of it lies on people with the absence of proper social skills. People who behave as a complete asshole and expect things to be okay. I'm fine though. I know that it's my fault for making those mistakes anyway so we're cool,

I think I've just become more tolerant of people in general. Perhaps it's due to the shit I've received in my lifetime. Perhaps it isn't. I don't know. I won't say I'm some emotionally abused kid, y'know, but I would say that getting hurt by friends is such a norm these days I don't even think twice about it.

I guess I'm really weird huh? Recently, while I was chatting with Liwen, she told me this, "You categorise your relationships. For example, you classify the people around you as 'acquaintances', 'church friends', 'secondary school friends' etc. Even though I do not know much of you, that is something I have observed."

Thinking back to those words she spoke, I am surprised by the truth in them. She's right. I classify people in my head. It helps me know where they stand in my life. This is so weird but it's true. My system's more complicated than that though. I have other categories like 'friends who advise', 'friends who listen' and 'friends who aren't really friends'. Currently, Grace and Sheryl are in the last category. I've got to admit though, some of my other friends are fast falling into that category too.

I'm tired of pretending that I'm comfortable with all the friends I've made thus far. Yes, we're friends. Yes, we used to be close but know this, we've drifted somewhere along the way and things aren't going to be the same anymore. Perhaps to you it seems like all's fine and dandy but trust me, if things were going alright, you will know it. Awkward silence is what I avoid at all cost. If I ran out of topics to talk to you, you'll be the first to know, believe me.

Currently, the only two friends I have that I really share my feelings with are Tingwei and Vincent. I'm not saying this to tell my other friends that they're the reason why I'm isolating myself. No, it's not. They did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. It's just me. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself out in the open. I guess I don't really trust you after all. I'm sorry, but even if the wounds have healed, the scars still stink of pain and that's something I can't let go. I'm sorry. As for my other friends who never hurt me but are still feeling neglected, I'm sorry. There are just two reasons why I'm being an asshole to you:

(i) You need me but I can't be there for you.

(ii) You don't need me at all.

 I have many friends but not many close ones. I've given up on categorising most of the people I know, to be honest. I'm even forced to create an entire new category of 'friends I'm not really comfortable with' and that's just stupid cause friends are supposed to be comforting. I guess I'm going bonkers. I really am, huh? Hahaha. By the way, that new category was created so that I could throw people like 'Justin', 'Bryan', 'Atika', 'Jessabel', 'Huini' and 'Yueyoong' in it. It's not that they're bad people. I'm just not that close with them after all. Besides, their Christian jokes annoy me a lot. I'm sorry but please, Christianity is a sensitive topic with me. Don't mock it.

I'm just shrugging my shoulders at this point and rolling my eyes cause I don't give a shit anymore. Everything is gonna be put to hold. Relationships that make me uncomfortable? On hold. Driving lessons and anything associated with it? On hold. Friendships that are falling apart? On hold.

I'm putting everything in time stasis until I've fixed myself up somehow. I'm tired of hearing others' problems and giving solutions. Don't get me wrong, I love it when you tell me your frustrations and the difficulties you're facing. I don't like it, however, when the relationship is one-sided. I know it's not my friends' fault though. I know it. I don't trust many people. I'm finally getting it now.

Maybe my friends aren't really friends anymore. Hahaha. That thought is ironic and it makes me really sad, so let's leave it for another day okay? I'll shift that doubt and postpone it for an indefinite amount of time until the next wave of sadness strikes, but before that, I have a few words for some of my friends. 

(Due to privacy issues, I won't state your names but as you read it, I'm sure you'll know it's you.)



To you,

This is the last advice I'm giving you. I thought you'll change and for a while, you really did, but as I expected, it didn't last too long. I guess it's good that I wasn't hoping then. Honestly, I really don't know what to say to you. Everytime I think of you, it's disappointment and heartbreak that I feel. When you told me you'll change, I felt so hopeful at that time. I thought you saw the light but I guess it's just another one of those lies.

I know you don't know how much you've hurt me or how much you're hurting the people around you right now. You're about to enter a new chapter of your life and it seems that that's all you can see. I hope you'll lift your head up and look around you though. You're losing the people around you. It's the same as what happened before but now you're so blinded I don't even know if you have noticed.

So here, this is truly my last advice:

Just because you're spending time on a person doesn't mean you're spending time with the person.

For a relationship to work, be it familial relations or friendships, quality time is a definite must. Quality time does not simply mean 'spending time with person'. It means an engagement of souls, a sharing of heart and a pouring of feelings. Quality time is when two people connect to each other and the burdens each carry is lightened through sharing. If you're not WITH the person despite the time you're spending ON the person, there's no point. Over time, the relationship will falter and soon, the relationship dies as the connection is broken.

We are tied to one another through bonds. There is really no point in friendship if it wasn't lightening up our burdens, was it? Life is complicated enough as it is after all. I hope you get the point I'm drifting at. Don't lose everyone for the sake of having that one person in your life. You've lost someone close to you before and I told you to make it into a lesson that guides you. I hope you still remember what I've said.

By the way, I'm not discouraging anything here. I'm giving you a rain check. Sort your priorities out before jumping into the fire. Once you've made a decision, there's no turning back. There's always a risk of failure and a risk of heartbreak but if you decide you really trust the person and you really want this for your life, well, I'm not going to stop you. You will have my support. Just don't expect me to listen to your relationship problems. I'm done being a counsellor. I am a friend and I will provide you a listening ear. That's about it. That is what I owe to you and myself for the bonds that are between us. Just know, girl, the connection's lost and I ain't even trying to get it back.

It's really over. You're now the 'friend who really isn't a friend'. I'm sorry but it's true. We're done. I'll listen to you. I'll be there for you but don't expect anything more from me that you'll expect from a normal friend.

"Here I draw the line, I wish you luck in life and goodbye.." - Missed/Goodbye, Ella Henderson



To you:

This is gonna be difficult.  I know that whatever I'm gonna type next is gonna hurt you but before you let the hurt strike you, before you drown yourself in hopeless despair, just know this: I do love you. Maybe my current actions don't reflect my feelings but everything written on that birthday card of yours, it's true.

I know that things are weird between us these days. We're playing a game of cat and mouse. I'm the mouse running away from you. I avoid your texts. I ignore your Whatsapp chat. I shrug the care and concern you've shown me and I know you're hurting because of that. I read your blog entry. You're confused as hell. I wish I could explain it all to you but I can't. You're stuck with these words meanwhile.

Before this though, let me reply to your blog entry. 

I don't think that you 'don't' understand me but I don't think that you fully understand me either. The thing is this, we may be suffering from the same damn thing but how we react to it is completely different. Therefore, it'll be unfair for either one of us to say that I 'completely' understand you cause we don't.

You have your triggers and I have mine. Have you wondered that perhaps, I haven't told you everything that's going on in my life. I'm sorry if this hurts you but it's true. I've long stopped sharing my emotions with you. Think back to the past, when was the last time I actually spoke to you about my insecurities?

Justin doesn't count cause to me, believe it or not, he doesn't matter that much. If he did, I'll be too heartbroken to even meet him but I'm not. I've accepted that he doesn't think of me that way. You can say I take a short time to move on. I guess it's cause the idea of someone rejecting me is easier to accept than the idea of someone actually loving me. Perhaps you feel the same way, perhaps you don't. I guess, what I'm trying to say here is this: How much do we understand about each other?

When I read your blog entry, I was upset. Not because of your words, but because of the emotions I can feel while I was reading them. It hit me really hard and soon, I was upset cause you were upset that I was upset.

I'm sorry though, but reading your blog made me realised how little you understood of me and how little I understood of you. I'm apologising cause I know these words probably hurt you as much as they do to me and I'm sorry for that, but I'm not sorry for what I'm about to say. It could be in a better timing I'll admit, but this one was long past coming.

I didn't tell you because I wasn't comfortable with telling you. It's got nothing to do with 'feeling ashamed' or 'feeling unworthy'. No, it's none of that. I just didn't feel like I could open my heart to you. I don't trust you. I'm sorry but it's the truth and I'm tired of denying it.

I know you're still hurt over him. I know you're in a delicate state of mind. I'm supposed to be the good friend here and not utter words that will hurt you further, but girl, I'm not even in the right state of mind myself. I feel like I'm going crazy with all these masks I have to put on as pretense so apologies to you but I can't continue acting anymore.

I'm sorry.

We're still friends. I just can't do this right now. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

pekcek

I bring up the idea of adopting a hamster and my family goes into chaos and quarrels. Why did I even bother, seriously? My second sister says that my mother is usually the one taking care of my hamsters in the past. I want to slap her. I got so pissed I cried. Fuck you okay. FUCK IT.

Oh yeah, speaking of the word 'fuck', apparently the whole damn world in my internship thinks I'm very vulgar and violent. I toned down my vulgarities usage but it's not enough. It's never fucking enough. Like what do you expect of me world? I'm forbid to use vulgarities at home, now I have to repress myself in school too? 

I don't get why I'm allowing their opinions to affect me either. Screw the lot of them. I really just hate them all at the moment. I'm so pekcek I really don't want to talk to any of them anymore. I'm usually really chatty in school, believe it or not, but they just piss me off so badly these days urgh.

The girl in my internship place is pissing me off too. Usually, my partner jokingly insults me and stuff cause I'm really annoying to him but now this new girl came out of fucking nowhere and she joins him to 'shoot' me too. She drops off stupid passive aggressive comments that drives me bonkers. I wanna murder her, can I? It just makes me so pekcek. She's supposed to be attached temporarily to Temasek Polytechnic cause she's flying to USA for internship but for some stupid reasons I don't know she's stuck here until she flies (is she even flying off?) and I just wish she'll go away.

I'm just so done man. So done with people in general. Urgh. I'm really annoyed at some of my friends too. I won't mention names but if you're wondering if it's you I'm annoyed with, you're most likely right. I just don't want to talk to anyone okay? I'll keep my world to Tingwei only. I don't care if I'm being fucking selfish and hurtful. FUCK THIS. This world ain't meant for living anyway.

Oh great. Now my family's in this awkward tense mood ever since I brought up the topic of adopting hamsters. See? That's why I don't talk anymore. What's the damn point if almost everything I say brings up annoyance or tension? Just fuck it la. AND YES, THIS POST HAS MORE VULGARITIES THAN USUAL CAUSE SINCE I'M SO FUCKING VULGAR AND VIOLENT I MIGHT AS WELL LIVE UP TO MY REPUTATION.

Fuck off world.

bandages - kyra

Verse 1:

Hey I just heard the news

I never saw this happening to you

How to accept ~~~~~~~

but if I could you know I'll take your place

You can be brave and still be afraid

You don't need to hide behind the laughter

Wish I had a way to put myself between you and the pain

Chorus: 

I don't know the answers

I don't have a cure

but I can be the hand you're reaching for

I know that it hurts

and I can't make it right

but I can be your bandages tonight

Hey yeah yeah x2

Verse 2:

Pull out a box of photographs

Flicking through the memories made me laugh

I can't deny we've had our ups and downs

But who we were made us who we are now

Nobody knows what tomorrow holds 

but I promise I will be there for you

Forever bound let me hold you close and wrap myself around

Bridge:

For everything a season

For everyone a test

For everyone a bandage

Nothing more and I'll be nothing less

Chorus 2:

I don't know the answers

I don't have a cure

but I can be the hand you're reaching for

I know that it hurts

and I can't make it right

let me be your bandages tonight

This song breaks my heart. She just sang with so much pain I can't even... *dies dies dies*

P.S. She wrote this song for her brother who died of cancer 3 months after his diagnosis.

miss going to bed with absolutely nothing on my mind

Sometimes, I think I'm going crazy. I don't know what's going on in that mind of mine half the time. When I'm in school, I only pay 70% of my attention to the experiments I'm working on, hence the screw ups. I don't blame my partner for getting irritated at me to be honest. If I were him, I'll kill myself ages ago.

Don't you feel like there's this constant buzz going around your head at all times? I know I have to do the things that are piling up on my plate but like the idiot I am, I procrastinate. It doesn't matter much if they are just small things, but they're huge events. Significant shit.

I can't seem to remember the things that are important too. Don't get me wrong. I'll remember your birthdays. I'll remember what you like and what you don't. I just can't remember if you've got any upcoming events in your life that are not significant in the future. For example, if you've got a piano test, I probably won't remember it despite you mentioning it a gazillion times. What's worse is me actually forgetting death anniversaries and stuff. One would think that would be a significant date for me to commit to my failing memory but no, I didn't. Maybe I just don't want to remember.

If I wasn't born like this I would seriously think that my brain has somehow shrunk throughout the course of studying. I can't seem to recall the plans I've scheduled for the week. I don't know who I'm meeting with nor the purpose for the date. My mind's just deteriorating. Maybe I'm really a thousand and nineteen years old.

I'm disappointed in myself these days. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's cause I'm mad at myself for being so stupid and committing myself to so many events without actually taking note of the dates. Yes I'm an idiot. Now, I've landed myself in an irreparable mess. 

For starters, my Final Theory Test is next friday and I haven't started studying yet. Oh. And I didn't book e trials so I'm most probably gonna fail that stupid test. To make matters worse, the next day is Yueyoong's birthday and she's organising a sleepover at a hotel she booked earlier, something which I completely forgot about, yay. I'm seriously annoyed okay. Huini, Jessabel, Yueyoong, Yueyoong's family, Bryan and Justin will be sleeping over. Yes you didn't see wrongly. Fucking Justin. As if things aren't awkward enough...

I hate myself and my stupid decisions. I've also been really prissy these days. My emotions seem to alternate between anger and sadness and that just makes it even more ridiculous. I've been on my longest DBSK hiatus yet but that's expected since JYJ just sang Begin at their concert in Tokyo and I'm not entering the emoshinki world so I'm laying off them for a while. Although I'll like to mention, it's really ironic how HoMin releases the songs that I need in this exact phase of life I'm in right now. Their single is titled Time Works Wonders. I think it's pretty self-explanatory at this point.

Shit. Now, I'm listening to DB5K songs and getting emotional all over again. Way to go Amelia. Clearly, emoing is the correct path when you have outdated MP and SIP logbooks, a CCA proposal to type out and a theory test to study for. SURE AMELIA. You're so smart I could kill you.

Kay. Time to stop this self-deprecating on my blog. Goodbye.

friendship

It's not the years that count; it's the heart.

xoxo

Texted Celeste on Sunday. Not gonna lie, I was worried she wouldn't remember me. Funny how insecurity works huh? :) But she remembered and texted me today out of her own accord, and that actually brought a smile to my face. I guess I'm easily contented?

I keep screwing up my laboratory experiments though, and final theory test's on 28/11 and I haven't started studying yet. I haven't booked trial tests either. Sighs. 29th Nov's supposed to be celebrating Yueyoong's birthday but now that all the drama  happened with Justin I don't even know if I can face him. I'm more embarrassed than heart broken to be honest but I guess I'll survive. It's nothing but the usual after all...

I'll survive this, HAHAHA. Alrights. I'm gonna go to bed now. INTERNSHIP CALLS.

SAYONARA~

stronger than yesterday

Hi guys. Today's entry's gonna be me proclaiming my love for Chris Daughtry so if you don't like him or if you're not interested, kindly take your leave HAHAHA. Just kidding. ;P

I just find his songs really inspirational. He is one of the rare artist whose songs I really love. I can even go so far to say that all his songs speak of a phase in my life. Whether it's happening now, or whether it prophesies the future, I don't know. His songs speak to me and bring out emotions in me that I never knew I had y'know? Chris Daughtry's song writing capabilities are seriously admirable. 

Okay. Enough praise about him haha. I honestly have nothing to blog about though. Okay. Correction. I do have things to blog about. Just not here. In my private diary, perhaps, but not here. HAHAHA. Shit I'm drunk.

I don't know what I'm feeling these days to be honest. I'm stuck between a fragile sense of hope and an elevated level of numbness. I'm blaming this on the stupid fic I read on Saturday. It's a fanfiction from Teen Wolf (hey Elsie, I'm still reading that! ^^) about Stiles getting diagnosed with depression and overcoming it. God knows why I'm so affected by that story. On the other hand, it basically described how I felt so no surprise there. I'm not as extreme as Stiles in that story though. I'm certainly in a brighter place now than before. It's just shocking. Coming to terms that I actually felt like that at some point of life and would willingly throw my life away is just... confusing. I'm confused.

But I feel hopeful now. It's different from the past. I wanna hold onto this sense of security for a long long while. Talking about my future choices with Elsie yesterday actually helped me to see beyond the present. I don't like where I am in the present. I've stopped dreaming of a change though. Things just seems inevitably rooted. Seems like nothing would ever change, except for the thoughts that are in my head of course.

I hope I'm making sense at this point. Don't wanna seem insane haha. Alright ending this entry here...

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
and all the light just fades away
when you're like a single flower
whose colours have turned to shades of grey
well hang on,
and be strong.
no, you're not defeated
and soon you'll be smiling again
then you won't have to feel it
let it go with the wind
time passes us by
and know that you're allowed to cry