smiling sunflowers

"If there is one single piece of advice I could give you that you should hold above all the rest, it's this: write. Write always. Sometimes it will help, and sometimes it will be excruciating, but you have to do it. 

I wrote it down. Pages after page in my journal, notes on my phone, rambling text messages to friends. I had to do it." 

- @barry_happy

Stressed. The mind is pulling at its seams. That's me in a nutshell now. My thoughts are scattered, one following the other in a predestined order, an odd arrangement amidst the chaos. I can't think. The water's above my head but here I am dreaming of sunflowers in the rain. A beautiful golden smile that will stand out against the grayness of life. I just want to feel the light on my face again.

I want to go out of the house, go running along the pavements, screaming at the top of my lungs. Crying and laughing, twirling my hair in the wind as my skin catches the sun and glows, a beacon of hope shining, and forever shining. I want to hear. My ears are straining so much even just a peal of my laughter is sufficient to satisfy me. I want the wind beside me as I fly, floating on grass pastures as I arise, touching the clouds and feeling the blues of the sky.

I want to release all confines, all bars or monotonous prisons. Let me flow out of this temple and break it all apart, scattering them into many tiny pieces like the seeds of dandelions carried by the breeze.

But I'm stuck here and I can't move. My feet is glued to the ground. The waves call out to me but I can't answer them. My mouth is sewn shut and my scream is contained within. I'm so frustrated, annoyed, angered and just plain mad. Mad. Unbelievably mad. I hate that I have to second guess myself when I'm doing my readings, I hate that I'm always doubting myself and letting the little voices win against the logic in my head. I hate what I am sometimes, and I hate that I hate it.

This year is good. It is the start of a new beginning. It is a dream to be realised, a happiness to be grasped and a wish to be made true but nothing feels like it at all. It's 23:04 and I haven't completed my readings. I haven't compiled my notes. I haven't done my learning logs and all my brain is ever processing are the things that I have not completed and the assignments that are yet to be done that I can't seem to process anything beyond that. I cannot stop thinking of the insufficiencies and the inequities - the holes in my life now.

And I'm falling through them all, leaving a little part of me behind each time that happens. A little girl trapped in a broken vessel, still struggling to make her way home as she runs the race with tears in a hand and a bottle in another. She has a bottle to keep the most precious thing of all: her oxygen, her air and it's her only hope.

And I am holding onto that bottle. I am choosing to make a choice every day I wake up in the morning and glance at my clock or at the list of tasks I have to complete. I am making a conscious choice to see the stars and forget the dark. I count the days, hours, minutes and seconds when I'm away from everyone else but when I'm with them, I force myself to set the ticking clock away. I tell myself of the seconds that matter and the seconds that don't. The minutes that are stuck and the time that is flying away, leaving my hands with nothing to grasp.

It's terrifying, giving yourself up completely to something you cannot control. Time. It eludes you. It acts upon you and it never lets you work on it. You work around it, never on it, never with it and it terrifies me. The many thoughts that I have, the many hearts I want to bless love with... They are all limited by this omnipresence called Time that never seems to allow me to manage it as adequately as I want it to be managed. It flees at my presence and it leaves me with nothing but bitterness at my lips.

And I am so upset, so angry at myself that I'm failing at everything now, that I'm letting the cracks be seen and letting myself be slipping through those holes I know are mendable but some days it's so tough, so exhausting and suffocating to even hold onto the bottle. When the tears blur your vision and the path gets more rocky, it's really difficult to greet the day with a smile on your face and tell yourself you're going to be that sunflower in the rain. You are going to shine and lead all lost ships back to port.

But days like those are the worst and the best. They remind me that storms are beautifully destructive and destructively beautiful. They remind me of footprints in the sands, of rainbows invisible to the eye, of hearts that are left behind, forsaken but never broken. They remind me of the endurance of the human spirit. They remind me of the act of love - a simple gesture to breathe for the others who have placed their tiny little pieces of souls in you. The courage you hold so close to your heart, a sparkle of glitter against the grays and the dulls. It's the hope trapped inside the bottle, the precious air you've forgotten how to breathe.

They remind me of my loved ones, of my friends, of the multitudes of sunflowers that are dancing in the rain. They struggle to bloom but their golden smiles are permanently etched upon their faces. An invisible rainbow to the eyes of the heart. A breath of air freed from the bottle in my hands. A love so profoundly deep that serves as a bridge to the inner paradise I'm seeking and suddenly, it feels easier to shake my limbs and let my soul escape me a little.

Nothing has changed. The clock now reads 23:20. I still haven't completed my readings. I still haven't compiled my notes nor did a single task I said I would on the list of daily tasks pinned on my head. Yet, the rain has slowed to a drizzle and the sun is peeking behind the clouds again. The crashing waves of my thoughts have simmered and calmed. I feel the minutes still ticking, the voices still screaming in my head but they are mute compared to the sun and the light that I feel on my skin again. I feel the peace seeping through my bones. It really is easier to breathe. The bottle feels lighter somehow.

The music starts in the background, a soft whisper against the harsh whispers of the mind but I pay those no need. It's the gentle timber that gets me every time. The music that just speaks (not shouts) but speaks so ever gently that it makes you float on the spacious clouds of your dreams. They fill you with gold and leave you with joy. They smile and they never expect anything in return. Those sunflowers never leave their spots. They are always there. Smiling, laughing and guiding people from the rain...

And it is a beautiful sight, isn't it? A beautiful imagery I've conjured up in my head. A breath of air I shall not forget, a piece of dream that dust shan't remember and a sunflower that smiles within the rain. ;')

Have hope that things will be better tomorrow, that your current circumstances do not determine your future and your sorrows are never permanent.

BE A SUNFLOWER

and smile in the rain.

;)

love others for He first loved us (Christianity)

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 

Live in harmony with one another. 

Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.

Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Romans 12: 9 - 18 (NIV)

It's easy to speak of love. It's difficult to practise doing it. They say actions speak louder than words but in this case, words speak louder than any action can. I have realised upon my quiet reflection that the words I have spoken to her are way over the line. Yet, the carnal desire in me is satisfied. The beastiality of man that rejoices at her pain, that demands more tears, more blood and more brutality.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, I wouldn't lie. Vengeance always has been my middle name. I believe fervently in justice. I believe in correcting and rebuking in love. I just wished someone had pulled me aside and told me that I was being horribly selfish. I was so consumed by my own anger I forgot how to love. Blinded by hatred, I was nothing but a Devil's pawn; I was a machine wired to self-destruct at the slightest trigger and I welcomed it with open arms.

I fault it to convenience for it was certainly easy for me to lay the blame at her feet, to make her the root cause for all the problems I've faced in church. It was easy to burn her at the stake, to blame her and persecute her for her mistakes. I believed she deserved it for she had failed the lofty expectations within me which I had subconsciously imposed on her. I had all these preconceived notions of a Christian leader and I was disappointed that she was tearing my illusions apart.

But now, I'm confused. I don't know if confronting her in the manner that I did was a right decision to make. They say I'm supposed to be freed from this burning ball of hatred but now, it just feels like the walls of my heart are tattered and torn. They're in ruins and talking to her did not heal them as I thought it would. Nothing has changed. 

Instead of feeling victorious, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I've resorted to such petty victories, ashamed that I've let myself be consumed by hatred and ashamed that I've become the very person I said I did not wish to be. All I feel is regret and it's tearing at my soul like a vulture to a corpse, pecking at every nook and cranny of meat that it can find. I feel like I did not handle this situation well. I feel like I've failed in this very aspect.

I wasn't supposed to sympathise with her tears but when she started crying, I felt my heart waver and at that point, I started to question myself that the things that I was doing, was it truly going to be worth the price in the end? I doubt my ability to discern and rationalise. I don't know what it means to be a Christian anymore.

I've been so caught up in the world, so consumed by worldly emotions that I've become part of the world. I've lost the ability to love her and well, what's a Christian's defining value if not love? How can I honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I'm rebuking her in love? It was just for self-gratification. I wanted to do that because I felt that I was wronged by her and I wanted justice, but that system has longed been abolished by the New Testament and yet my heart's still living in the past.

How can I truly claim myself to be a Christian at this point?

She said, "Trust is a two-way street." She implied that I didn't trust her and she's right, I don't. I can't see her as she is without the bias of my own hatred. I actually hated her and that scares me because "hate" is a strong emotion to feel and that emotion is definitely not of the Bible. I've been acting in ways that defied the laws of my religion and I didn't even realise it.

And now everything in me hurts because it's only now that the essence of Christianity has been imprinted onto me and I do not know if "now" is too late a time to make up for the mistakes I've made or repair the damage I have done.

For each mistake she had made, I should have met it with love but I condemned her and rejected her actions and in doing so, subconsciously resigning myself to a heart filled with anger and bitterness.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Romans 12:21

And needless to say, I've failed it.

I've failed it once again.

*exhales*

Amelia, and to you readers out there, it's time for you to let love take residence in your heart once more. Love... Love... Love...

LOVE OTHERS

because He first loved us

goodbye and good day.

overwhelming fear

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'

'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.” 

― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I didn't want to blog at first but I'm just super scared now so here I am now, blogging while trying to calm myself down. *takes a deep breath* I cannot believe this is happening. *exhales*

It's not much of a big deal actually. It's just a home visitation to the beneficiaries, it's just making awkward conversations with people, it's just leading and attempting to know what's going on when I don't, not really. God. Why is my bloody name highlighted? Is this their way of mocking us freshies? For us to undertake leadership responsibilities when we're clearly not ready for it?

*inhales**exhales*

I've gotta calm down, really. It's just a home visitation sheesh. There's nothing scary about it. No, nothing at all. Nothing at all... :(

How am I supposed to write a home visitation report? How am I even supposed to do anything? As if it isn't worse enough, I'm actually paired with two males in a team like God, why not another female? Why am I the only female? And why are the two people paired with me the two people that I'm awkward with? What can I possibly gain from this?

*breathes out in 1.. 2... 3...*

I really gotta calm down sheesh. CALM DOWN WOMAN.

You can do this.
Or die trying.

But you can. Think of happy thoughts!

Bed. Bed. Bed. Bed.

God. I don't know anymore.

GOODBYE.

P.S. Putting my schedule here so I'll remember. (ignore it!)

Fri: 9am wake up. Prepare for online tutorial at 10am. Meet Lola to explore Lasalle and NAFA.
Sat: 8.30am wake up. Go Home Visitation. Die.
Sun: 8.30am wake up. Si En's birthday celebration leggo.

I CAN DO THIS OMG.

YOU EITHER DO IT

or die trying

Godbless.

aktf

“… like the flowers which are planted in too rich a soil, strength and usefulness are sacrificed to beauty; and the flaunting leaves, after having pleased a fastidious eye, fade, disregarded on the stalk, long before the season when they ought to have arrived at maturity.”

- M.W. Shelley

I am excited yet terrified for school at the same time. There's so much to be done: books to be bought, lessons to be scheduled and time to be managed and I don't think I've got it all down yet. I am so unprepared for the upcoming semester that I haven't even caught up to my readings. Haha. It's only the first week of the semester and I'm already lagging behind. Good job, Amelia, good job!

Still, despite these overwhelming worries and fears, I am really thankful that school is opening its doors once more. I feel like I'm ready for challenges now and I'm learning to open the doors of my heart to others. I'm ready to fight and nothing is going to snatch my faith away from me.

I'm sick and tired of feeling fear. I'm getting up and I'm taking a stand against it. I'm ditching my pride. I'm rendering myself vulnerable. There's strength in weakness. There's hope for the broken. We'll come out of this braver. We'll emerge as victors. The light is with us and I know we can all do things if we just set our hearts to believe, 

It's funny actually because I told Vincent I wouldn't blog about my feelings tonight but I'm doing it now. Well, the truth is, I don't want to blog about it. I want to hide every weakness away. I want to fit myself into the tiny hole I've imposed in my heart and never let anything out ever again, but doing that wouldn't be honest and it wouldn't be fair to myself.

I want to help others because I know how long those nights can be. I know how mornings can be dreadful and beds can be heaven. I know how every single mistake you make feels like a personal failure and I want to be the one who wipe your tears away and tell you that it's not your fault, that you're still perfect and reflections lie anyway so don't believe them. It's not what you see in the mirror that matters. It's your soul, your character and your heart that will shine.

But how can I do that when I'm not even honest with myself?

So from now on, my goal I guess is to be honest with others and myself and to hold myself responsible for every decision I make. I remember someone once said these words to me, "The first time you do something wrong, it's a mistake. The second time you do it, it's a choice. The third time you do it, it's a commitment; it's a promise you make to yourself to repeat the same mistakes again and again."

And I know better than anyone how addictions can be painful and difficult to overcome so I want to be honest about emotions throughout this whole rehab process. I don't want to lie or even pretend that I'm fine when I'm not and if that means taking a break from crowds at times, I'll gladly do it even if it offends anyone I know of.

More than that, I pray for a bigger heart to accommodate all the love that people have shown to me and to give back to others the way I have been blessed. I want to be the optimistic girl that gives people hope in their tough times. I want to be a girl that can look back on this year 2016 and tell myself that I've done me proud and I've ditched the addictions I said I would.

So let's all become stronger together okay? There may be serious tough times ahead but I believe that if you and I work together and keep one another in our hearts, the bonds among us will be enough to overcome the trials and tribulations ahead.

ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH.

;))

a mess of thoughts and scrambled words in my mind

"What if today is full of pain

It will be a warm memory someday

Once I let go of all the things in my heart

I realize what it means to be alive

It's to learn the joy of being born

Let's stay together, always"

For Fruits Basket, Ritsuko Okazaki

I don't know why I am blogging now. It's 2.45am and I really should be sleeping now but for some reason, I can't let myself sleep at all. I want to say that I'm having trouble falling asleep but I'm really not. I know that if I lie down on the sofa, I'll sleep but for some reason, I don't want to. I guess this is going to be another "emo" post again.

I wish I have the right solutions for the problems in my head. Logically speaking, I know that my problems aren't real and they are the products of my imagination but sometimes I guess it's tough to differentiate between reality and fantasies especially when the horrors your mind presents you with are the realities you think you're living out now.

I'm sorry for my incoherence by the way. My thoughts are literally fleeting all across my mind space. I don't know what I'm saying or even what I'm thinking. I just feel so confused like I can't even make out what's going on anymore. Usually when I get into moods like these, I try to shut out my thoughts by exhausting myself with tasks I know are arduous but tonight for some reason nothing feels right.

I feel like I'm dreaming, having a really sad nightmare of myself typing on this laptop with all these emotions in me struggling to come out in words that will make people understand what I am actually trying to say but for some reason, nothing flows and I'm stuck between the lines. I guess I'm just trapped in my mind.

I read Elsie's blog post. Finally, she has updated her blog with an entry. I'm so happy for her. She has finally attained the happiness she's been looking for all these while. She found herself a great company of friends and she's enjoying what she's studying. Life really couldn't be greater. I feel like, to a certain extent, my job with her is done. She is now standing strong on her own.

Now, I just got to move onto my next target. Heal another person, give them a little love, and bless them with whatever I have. There's no reason behind kindness, no rationality... I just think that everyone deserves to be loved and everyone deserves a great friend. I try to be that friend sometimes and in doing so, I've been a bad daughter and a bad sister. I've turned selfish and I've narrowed my world into a little tiny circle comprising of people I choose to care about and rejecting others I refuse to love.

I thought I was all about being open-minded but the more I reflect on myself, the more close-minded I find myself to be. I discriminate against people. I hate them for their actions. I can't forgive those who trespass against me and neither can I forgive myself for my transgressions. I can't see love. I turn my eyes everywhere on this Earth and somehow I'm still blinded. I'm wearing society's glasses and hatred is in abundance.

I watched a video from Buzzfeed titled "I'm a Christian, but I'm not" and it spoke up against the stereotypes of being a Christian in America, particularly against the issue of homosexuality. Perhaps it was out of my curiosity or perhaps it was not. Either way I continued watching, wondering how they would address this issue since it's been blatantly stated in the Bible that homosexuality is against the teachings of God.

And true to my predictions, every Christian in that video had nothing against queers. Some of them were even queer Christians themselves. I guess I was just left more confused than ever. I don't know sometimes if I'm supportive of gay rights or against them to be really honest with you. If you ask me, I don't really care if you're part of the LGBT community or not. I've long grown out of the yaoi fangirl phase. Gays don't faze me anymore. Perhaps that's why I'm struggling with YunJae so much. I just simply cannot be bothered with it. Why is everyone harping on this stupid sexual orientation identifications crap anyway? We speak of these labels like they matter to us when it really doesn't. Why the fuck will I care about your boyfriend/girlfriend if I am not your boyfriend/girlfriend? Who you love matters not to me and I'm sick of these societal impositions on me. Why are we so invasive as human beings? Does it truly matter who we are or where we come from? (Don't get me started on racism please)

I'm so tired of being labelled as being stupid or naive just because I subscribe to my Christian beliefs. I'm religious because I fucking want to. What's the issue with that? The difference in our beliefs is not indicative of our levels of intelligence unless, of course, you are part of the gang in America that believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have no words to describe that religion at all. No words.

But other than that, well, what's the difference between you and me? I don't discriminate against your beliefs so why do I feel like ever since the whole City Harvest fiasco, Christians in Singapore are being labelled as sheeples. We're not stupid, dammit. We have brains just like the tiny ones that reside in your skulls. We do financial planning and we don't give our money up for nothing. There's a reason and there's a purpose to it. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.

I don't know. I don't understand where that sudden burst of anger came from. I guess I'm just annoyed. People react negatively whenever I tell them I'm a Christian. Apparently, it's now considered a sin in the world's eyes to be a Christian. I must have missed the memo for that. Geez.

*takes a deep breath in*

*counts to ten*

*exhales*

Alright. I'm much more calm than before now. I'm ready to continue again. Continue what? I don't know. I'm a mess of thoughts and scrambled words in my mind. My brain's mush. A pile of goo rotting in the darkness of its cavity. I'm dead to the world now. Fatigue and mind-racing thoughts can do that to someone like me who wasn't even active to begin with.

One thing I'm really happy about though is the positive feedback I've received from Nelli and Elsie regarding my recent blog entries. Nelli loved the entry on forgiveness and Elsie says she likes my blogging for some reason (perhaps she misses it too much). I'm glad my writing's improving. To my eyes, nothing has changed at all but perhaps to the readers, the changes are more evident. How will I ever know? Still, I'm thankful that people are reading this blog. Blogging has always been my way of expressing my feelings to my loved ones to save myself the physical embarrassment of actually baring my soul out to others and watching them flinch so, it makes me really happy that people bother reading this huge chunk of words. It makes my heart feel loved so thank you.

I remember speaking with Elsie about the various writing platforms I have and she was awed by me because she couldn't see how one could maintain all these platforms at once. Well, I don't maintain all of them. I update my Dayre regularly because it's mobile-friendly unlike Blogger and it's easy to use when it comes to cataloguing the events of the day. I use Blogger here when I want to speak about serious issues or just to share an important moment/milestone in my life I believe every one of my friends should hear about to get updated with my life. Hence all these entries that are filled with a seemingly endless stream of words. Words are the noises I make to communicate with fellow homo sapiens much like the croak of a frog you'll hear outside your window. We aren't that different from those whom we label animals. One might even argue that we are in fact one.

God. I really have no idea what I'm blabbing on about. My body's tired but my mind isn't. It wants to keep going on and on. It's like an accident just waiting to happen and I'm just waiting for the other ball to drop...

for it to drop like grapes... 

grapes grapes grapes.

Alright. I'm really exhausted. I'm just gonna go to bed. Good bye peeps. Thanks for reading it through.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT

under the guidance of the moon

-________HAMEL_________-

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose

such a ray of light we never knew.

Gone too soon"

Daughtry - Gone Too Soon

You were gone too soon and I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

Alright that's going to be the only emo line of this post LOL. My main focus of today is to upload all the photos from my Tree Top Walk trip with Elsie onto this blog! :D So I'm just going to spam all the photos HAHAHA. (without captions)

I ended up wasting 6 hours of my life to make this little video montage instead HAHA.

Elsie, this video is for you:

My computer hanged and I wasted all the bloody time for nothing -_______________-

Alright that's it then. Blogpost is over~

I wasted another hour and I did the entire video again.

-.- ELSIE TAY YA XIN, 你最好给我看的一清二楚。

I found myself - Anna Clendening

I was broken, torn apart 

Scars lined my arms, on my sleeve I wore my heart

They remind me what if real

No longer needing pain to feel

I found myself

In a sea on busy places, in a world on blurry faces

I found myself

On the edge of insanity 

I found, I found me.

- I Found Myself, Anna Clendening

first emo rant of the year

I wasn't going to blog at first but as I was laying on my bed, all the thoughts were just weighing so heavily on my mind and they were just screaming to be heard that I figured, hell, I might as well write them out and see if they actually make any sense beyond my mind space.

I don't know how to describe what exactly it is I am feeling either. It's just this overwhelming sense of regrets and bitterness that's in me. It's not a gradual thing either. I mean, I've always known that I've got to let go of my past and embrace my future but after spending much-needed alone time with Michelle and sharing my feelings with her, I realised that the past was still affecting me more than I should allow it to and I don't know why I've allowed it to go on this long.

Despite my "can't give two fucks" attitude, I actually give out more politically correct answers than you can imagine. I think the reason for that is because I do not want to engage in any potential conflict that can lead to more drama in my life. I just want to be ordinary and live a simple and quiet existence but that just seems so impossible in this chaotic world of communication.

Also, thanks to Junnie (one of my CCA friends), I now know that school starts on 11 Jan which is just the following week ahead and I have not bought any of my books yet. I haven't shifted back to dorm. Hell, I am really not prepared for anything at all.

I guess my underlying fear besides the beginning of my next semester in school is the fear that I will lose myself amidst all the stress and noise. I kid you not. University drains me in a way I never thought polytechnic did and having this much free time to my mind is definitely not a good thing. All my relapses happen in University because English Literature is too difficult for me to comprehend. I try to shut down all negative thoughts like these but in the early mornings when I'm lying on my bed in the dead silence, well, it's really hard for me to rationalise and rebuke against them.

Ting Wei has lamented frequently on her lonely existence in school and I may not be able to express it really well but I really understand her and I am not kidding about that. My university friends are awesome don't get me wrong but they don't understand me and they don't know how fucked up I am. They don't know that when I'm silent sometimes, it means that something's bothering me and I need someone to smash the words outta my mouth. They don't know that sometimes. I can't always be there for them. I know that they say they will always be there for me but I just can't get those words out of my mind sometimes. How do I speak in self-deprecating ways without sounding like an attention whore? How can I get them to know that the thoughts Avelin experience are often what floats in my brain as well?

I'm not that good at handling my emotions as I seem. I simply just appear to be. But when it's late at night at the wee hours of the morning, I'm the girl who's leaving her dorm roaming the campus with tears in her eyes because she doesn't know what to do or how to even access all those trapped feelings within her that's weighing her down. I'm the stereotype of the typical emo kid that everyone's talking about. I am her.

And I don't know how to phrase all these emotions into words that can get through to others, not when all these emotions feel so foreign to me at the same time. I read a Straits Times article that 60% - 70% of Singaporean teenagers are cutting themselves and most are done without the knowledge of their parents, and it saddens my heart because I know that I'm just a number in the eyes of the government much like the countless others who are suffering in the silence.

I don't mean this to sound so self-pitying but I'm just really trying to air my thoughts out here I guess. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle the stress that school brings. No. I should correct that. School doesn't stress me. I'm stressing myself. This is just all on me and some perverted wish to do well academically despite my seniors' warnings that people like me won't do well in literature because we don't have a freaking background in it. And it's true. I suffer plenty when I'm in this major. It really does make me question my choice of major.

My cousin recently grilled me on the practicality of choosing an English major in Singapore and honestly, I couldn't find an answer for him. He asked me if I chose this English major out of my desperation to attain a university degree and I actually did not hesitate to agree with him. I don't know why I did that because now that I think about it, I wasn't accepted into NTU only. I had a much brighter future with SIT's Pharmaceutical Engineering course. What was I thinking? I really don't know.

Sometimes, I think my life is just a huge gigantic screw up, that I've been making mistakes since day one and I just never really knew that because I am so blinded by my stupidity I can't see otherwise. I feel like every decision I make for myself is a bad one and I think I've just reached the point whereby I don't want to make any decisions for myself anymore. I don't trust my own judgement and having to prove to everyone that I am actually knowledgable and I know what I am doing is just too much pressure to bear at times.

Then I feel really guilty for complaining because some of my friends didn't even get admitted into a local university and here I am bitching about inconsequential things. I really hate to sound so self-pitiful and I guess that's why I don't speak about myself much. I just don't really know how to begin I guess. Ting Wei says that the difference in my blog personality and my real personality isn't much for her because I have talked to her about my emotions before. Now, thinking on what she has said, I guess it's true. I've been really honest to her about my mental well-being and I guess that's why she's comforted that I'm doing okay?

But I just realised after Nelli blogged about it that every time she asks me about it, I actually tell her nothing at all. She wrote this on her blog:

Some time ago, I had a chat with Amelia. I asked her if she is still sad. She told me no, and I have zero idea if she’s lying or not. If she’s lying, she probably thought I’m not worth the truth. If she’s lying and wants me to think she’s better, should I believe that alongside her, until she believed it herself too? And if she’s indeed telling the truth, then that’s a great thing to know because nobody deserves to be sad chronically. 

Judging by the way she writes, it does seem real that she’s way better now. But what if she just chose not to write about it? It feels like forever with these thoughts that follow, but she broke it, redirecting the question at me.

And I guess all her questions were valid since I seem so distanced from her and the rest. In fact, meeting with Carity and Nelli today, I observed that I really had no desire to speak about my emotions at all. Every time someone asks me about it, I've learned to deflect it with a question of my own and I don't even know why I have this weird self-defence mechanism thing going on. It's as though I don't want anyone to know anything about me at all.

I guess it's cause I don't want to speak about me because I can't find the words to describe my emotions and when my speaking abilities fail me, I just feel more sad than ever and it's like a downward spiral into sadness or whatever negative emotion there is out there so I usually don't even begin speaking?

And to answer your questions Nelli, no I wasn't lying. I wasn't sad at the moment you were talking to me so I replied you as such. I don't think that you're not worth the truth but I'll admit that sometimes I omit the truth because I think that you need more time to focus on handling your own emotions and not be burdened by mine. Other than that, no, I haven't lied.

But I do want everyone to think that I am better and I think that's a common lie that every depressed individual wants their loved ones to feel (not that I am one). No one wants others to worry over them. No one wants to be a burden to their loved ones and I am one of them in that regard.

I don't know anymore. Trying to rationalise something like this is draining and overall just exhausting. I know I lie to myself a lot. I tell myself I'm not bothered by any of my scars but when someone offhandedly commented on the scars on my leg I just feel the insane need to hide away every part of my body and just run away. It takes courage these days to dress in shorts and slippers. It takes energy to even get out of my bed and meet people.

I love my friends but sometimes, everything just gets a bit too much. And I really hate to say this but church has really been occupying too much of my time and well, I guess I am really struggling with my time management now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to have made so many close friends in church, like Priscilla and Lola etc. (Pan-nins excluded because they've just been upgraded from the church category) but sometimes I really just want to spend some time with my secondary school mates, you know?

I haven't had alone time with them in such a long while that it was only when I was hanging out with Michelle the other day that I realised how precious those little moments were. I guess every friend is in your life for a different purpose and Michelle's purpose was to get me talking about my suppressed memories of band because I didn't want to talk about them because they still hurt and I don't know how to talk about them without sounding like a self-pity asshole but Michelle listens to everything patiently and she always tell me it's not my fault when I feel like everything is and I guess I just don't really know what to do anymore.

I know logically speaking that I have to stop blaming myself for everything because it's all in the past and there's nothing I can do to change it but sometimes it just really hurts that a single choice I've made has doomed a section for eternity you know?

I hate that I was the section leader and I know Michelle always tells me that I did the best I could but I always feel like there was so much more that could be done and every time I look at band it's like a glaring sign of my failure that I cannot return to music or my tuba without feeling like a depressive asshole waddled in guilt and self-loathing.

Giving up band was honestly the most difficult decision of my life but it left all the drama behind so I was contented even though my heart ached with its heavy loss. I was doing alright with everything, being fucking optimistic even when I entered Temasek Polytechnic and got admitted into the course I dreamed for so naturally, I really thought that everything was going to be alright and my life was now going to be smooth sailing as fuck. But of course it wasn't, was it? I don't know how to talk about my polytechnic years without Nelli feeling guilty as she's reading this which I'm sure she absolutely does but I have to talk about it so Nelli, just skip it if it's making you guilty because that's not my intention at all.

Life fucked with me, tore me away from everyone I knew and threw me into a pit of loneliness that I've never felt before. I want to say that I'm exaggerating but I'm really not. I hated myself so much back then because I never could figure out what's wrong with me that everyone could leave me so easily like there was nothing in me that they could hold onto at all.

And it just spiralled downwards deeper and deeper and I, of course, got into one of the most serious cases of sadness in my life. I wanted to die, to wipe my existence out of the planet and to never live to see the sunrise again, but Si En was there for me at that time and she kept encouraging me with her words even though I never told her that I was fucking suicidal at that point. I never told her anything but she just kept encouraging me and introduced me to Pewdiepie and that made my life a whole ton better. Michelle was there for me in school as well so it wasn't like I could just die and not meet her or something like that. Besides, I had my promise to Elsie then that I would show her how a real friendship was like and I couldn't do that if I was dead, could I? So it was the combined effort of all these people with others like Ting Wei, Shi Min etc. that brought me back to life and forced me to cling onto the present and kept breathing.

Even though I desperately wanted to die.

Then of course I found church and I returned to being a Christian and all that oolala and I finally reached a point in my mental health that I was stable and I did not want to die anymore. I thought, once again, I was doing okay but internship and clinical rotations came and I just felt more useless than before that I just learned to keep my emotions shut.

It was no use complaining to others. I love my poly clique but they would never understand how it's like to be so fucking useless in practicals when others are excelling in what they do. They don't understand that I'm fucking trying but the fear is so strong I can't even breathe much less touch an animal. The rabbit or dog or cat is terrified because I'm so afraid my heartbeat's through the roof but not a single one of them gets it. They don't get that every practical ends in tears for me because I'm just so fucking useless as compared to the rest.

I would run away and hide in the HDB blocks opposite our poly and just cry it all out. No one saw a thing. No one even bothered checking up on me when I was away. I don't blame anyone for it, don't get me wrong, but all those times in polytechnic just further cemented the thought in me that no one truly cared about me. I was only good to them for as long as they had use of me. Other than that, I was invisible. 1.6m of flesh and bones but still fucking invisible in their eyes.

And now I can't speak anymore. All these emotions and feelings are locked somewhere so tight that I can't speak. I finally understand what Si En meant when she said that she doesn't share her feelings with others. She had been hurt too deeply by her past to speak. I tried to understand her but now that I'm feeling the same way, I don't think there's anything wrong with bottling up your emotions anymore.

I don't know. I guess I'm just afraid. The future's an unknown territory you know? No one is guaranteed to stay here forever. Some people die without a warning. Some people watch others die helplessly. You can't make a promise that there will always be a second chance at the end of the day. Time won't permit you. Death has the power in the end.

I don't know what I'm even rambling about anymore. I guess I just came to the shocking realisation that I'm hurt by the past and I don't know how to fix those wounds. I don't know how to learn to accept my body again. I'm fine with my personality now but when it comes to my appearances, I just don't have a clue.

I guess I don't bother dressing up because I don't see anything worth in me to dress up anyway. If I start becoming more concerned with my image, I'll just end up destroying myself as a whole cause nothing of me satisfies me anymore. I can't honestly look at myself now and say I'm pretty, you know? I can't even find contentment in that.

I thought I was way past the self-loathing stage but everyday, I seem to find a new thing to hate myself for and it's just really tiring when I'm being such a negative asshole when others are suffering out there. I don't know what to say, you know?

I don't deserve the happiness I have now. I don't even know why I am blessed with such. I read Ting Wei's post about her dwindling number of friends and I am just speechless because I just don't know why I have the number of friends I have now when I know someone out there probably needs it more than I do. I remember Stacy's gratitude towards me and how she kept thanking me for being there for her when she needed me to. I recall Priscilla's kind words towards me, always never failing to thank me for my existence in her life as though I really do matter in her life. I don't know. I don't doubt her words, you know? I just struggle to accept the idea that someone can be so happy because I'm in their life, like I'm not freaking Obama you know? I'm not a President wtf. I get that you are happy to have me as a friend but my freaking existence, holy shit. I ain't that good of a person man.

Sighs. I really need to get out of this negative cycle of thoughts.

Tumblr: Here's a self-love quote for you, Amelia.

I need to start speaking positive thoughts to myself. No more negative environment, Amelia, positive rant it is.

I love myself.

I love all my stupid scars cause they prove that I didn't die even though I succumbed to temptations.
I love my laughter because it means I'm genuinely happy and not faking a smile.
I love my friends and family and I am beyond blessed to have them in my life.
I love God and He is the reason I am alive now.

Yes, think and breathe positivity and the rest will following accordingly.

Alright, that's it. I'm sorry for this emo post but I'm thankful that you've stuck with me through this entire emo rant anyway. Goodbye, good nights and I love you all!

SPEAK POSITIVE

and you'll think positive

New Year Resolutions

I see many of my friends posting their reflections of the year 2015 on their social media and I was really tempted to join the bandwagon and just type out the feelings or revelations I had this past year but for some reason, it just didn't feel right. Hence, here I am, blogging again.

2015...

It was a really awesome year, you know? I fulfilled so many of my dreams. I was literally the happiest girl alive. I went to Japan, visited Kyoto, Osaka and Tokyo. The sights are simply breathtaking. I can still remember how incredibly blessed I felt to be standing there witnessing such beauty. I even took liberty with my dressing and appeared in more feminine clothes than what I would usually be in.

And in my bad days I would review those photos and tell myself that I'm beautiful too. Maybe sometimes I can't see the simple beauty in me because I'm surrounded by too many shining stars but that doesn't mean that I don't emit my own light. I'm a tiny, weak but shiny starlight, bringing a little light to the vast darkness of the world and that is perfectly alright with me. I know I don't have the best looking appearances ever. I don't even have the best body shape/figure, but you know what? I've made my peace with it and embraced my body for what it's worth.

I won't lie. Which girl out there doesn't have body image issues? I used to have them too and sometimes they trouble me more than they rightly should but when I think of the smiles and the laughter that I've brought to people around me, suddenly, I feel contented. It doesn't matter the shell you see now. The shell's for the world, for society and for the self-entitled people who are so conceited they can't look anywhere beyond their big fat noses, so think of my shell what you will. It doesn't represent me and it certainly doesn't represent my heart. See, the heart, in comparison with the shell, is a different thing entirely. The heart's for me and it's for you. It's for the countless people out there who are suffering and in pain. It's for the broken people who are crying out for a speckle of light in this eternal darkness they are in. It's for me and it is me.

"My body figure does not determine the woman that I am."

And so does my dressing and my image or whatever crappy words that society has placed on us. Nelli mentioned that she's starting to really detest society and I completely agree with her. Why is it that the subject of a woman's figure always come into question when you're discussing a girl's virtues or vices. Look, having a good figure is an asset because having good fitness means you're in good health and that makes you happier according to scientific papers off Google Scholar but it isn't a virtue just like how obesity isn't a vice.

Would you call cancer a crime? Would you call cancer a sin? Then, why is it that obesity is considered as one? Why is that when a girl refuses to eat during meal times, she's dieting? Why is an underweight girl immediately perceived as an anorexic? Why do we keep pushing our preconceptions and ideas forcibly upon other people?

Why do we keep focusing on the shells of others and neglect the hearts that are in there?

I don't know why, but somehow, our current society thrives on this culture and it absolutely disgusts me. That's why I don't dress up. That's why I show up like a hobo every day when I'm out of the house because I refuse to let whatever society say dictate the way I live my life. Dressing appropriately for the occasion is a must, don't get me wrong, but beyond that, no, I really don't give two shits about it.

One other important thing I've learned in 2015 is also courtesy of my dear friend Si En here who told me sternly that I really had to stop breaking the promises I've made to others.

"If you don't wanna meet up with people, then learn to say no to their faces, but if you say yes, then stick to it." -- just her two cents

It was a really difficult lesson for me to learn simply because I am someone who gets guilt tripped really easily and I try to squeeze as much time as I can to meet every friend because I get paranoid or something that my friends will either leave me if I don't or feel dejected when they need me and I'm not there. You would think that having this mindset is inspirational, noble and it would make me a better person but you know what, it makes me an even more horrible person than before. I end up breaking more promises than I can keep because I get so easily exhausted.

I start to lose track of myself. I can't find my soul anymore. Everyone's problems are drowning me out because I cannot learn to draw a line between what I'm capable of and what I wish I was capable of. I realised through all these conflicts with my friends that I am a really paranoid person and just because I don't voice those thoughts out regularly it doesn't mean that they're not there. I get attached to friends way too easily and when they leave me, it's like the end of the world in my eyes.

I cannot slow down as much as I thought I could and that really broke me and wore me down. I resorted to drastic measures when overthinking became a head saturated with loud and lousy thoughts about myself. I relapsed, and that makes me so angry at myself because I was doing so fine with everything but a major change in my life happens and suddenly it's like I'm back at square one again. I'm the stupid emo depressive kid that everyone's sick and tired of already.

But things changed when I stepped into church...

HA. HA. HA. Sorry, I'm just making fun of the way testimonies are spoken here in my church. It's an inside joke that only HOGC-goers would know. Anyway, that was what I actually wanted to talk about. Church. It really did change my life because I grew so much closer to God.

I wouldn't dwell too much on it but this year, I feel so much lighter in my heart ever since I've joined Crusade. There has been such a huge weight lifted off my chest. For 20 years of my life, I had been so ashamed of being a Christian because I did not want to be labelled in the same category as some of the most repulsive people I've met that called themselves Christian so I've learned pretty early to always lock that part of me inside and never let it out. I was so afraid of what people would think of me that I just abolished it altogether.

I still introduced myself as a Christian but I painstakingly veered off any topic that had to do with my religion because I did not want to seem like a radical evangelist. I didn't want to be seen as being "pushy" or worse, like I'm forcing my religion on others. I was always so afraid and fearful. I hated myself for it.

But now, I'm better. I've embraced it as the part of myself that's always important to me. I'm no longer ashamed of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud that at least in some of my friends' eyes, I've set a good example for them that good Christians exist too.

Honestly, looking back, I've really changed a lot. I used to be so afraid of everything but now, I've started to inject more faith into my life. I've learned to encourage people, love them and still have some time for myself so that I don't lose my heart. 

I'm learning to see the girl that everyone sees in my eyes. I'm starting to make a shape out of it. Words like "dreams" and "princess" used to have such negative connotations in my mind but now, they are the aspirations I'm striving to be. I want to be the princess that once lived in my dreams.

I want to be confident and secure in my happiness. I want to run up to the rooftops and bellow at the top of my lungs that I'm beautiful and my happiness will always be with me and in me. I know everyone has given up on making New Year Resolutions since none of us fulfilled them anyway but I've decided that planning in advance goes a long way in seeing success so I'm going to give these resolutions another shot. Here's my list!

Amelia's New Year Resolutions

1. No more self-harming. 

I cannot eradicate all negative thoughts but I can choose not to add onto the multitude of scars that are already on my body.

2. Try being vegetarian for a month.

This has always been something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I will blog about it when I actually do it for a month.

3. Stop making empty promises

This one's going to be tough but I really need to respect my friends more and keep the agreements I have with them.

4. Go to Indonesia (Bali)

*coughs coughs* Anyone? *coughs coughs*

5. Stop defining learning through academic success

My grades are important, yes, but they are not definitive of the success of my learning in University.

6. Initiate more hugs with my loved ones (like my sister and my friends)

Need to start appreciating tactile comfort even if I cannot understand it. A hug from me is not too much to ask for, after all.

7. Talk more politely to my parents

8. Go Lazarus Islands

9. Go camping at Pasir Ris Beach

10. Believe that happiness is attainable through my own hands

I don't know if I'll managed to fulfill them in the end but looking at these wishes, well, I feel more hopeful than ever. I know the future's going to be super tough and I'll probably visit those dark nights more often than not, but I'm going to stop letting those thoughts take control of my head because I am so much more capable than that and I believe that I can make this list of dreams my reality.

Alright. That's it, folks. I really have nothing more to say HAHAHA. Oh wait. Yeah. I forgot. I need to review if I've accomplished last year's resolution. Okay. Here goes...

"随着这新一年的到来，我祈祷未来的幸福会抹去过去的伤痛。我祈祷未来的我会学会坚强，学会勇敢，学会帮助他人，成为他们人生中的力量。

我希望2015年底的我会开心地微笑着迎接下一年。

大家也一起加油吧~

新年快乐。"

- my resolutions for 2015

I actually typed in Chinese, wow! I am so impressed by myself haha. Anyway, reading my resolutions, well, I really think I did managed to fulfill them! I've learned to be stronger and braver in my heart. I've helped others like me (Avelin etc) and I've become a source of strength in their lives.

And I was happy when I was welcoming 2016.

OH HELL YEAH I am awesome. :DDD

Alright that's it. I'm signing off~ Goodbye.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you,

and I hope it'll be a new happy year for you too.