AKTF! ^^

I apologise for not blogging these days. Life's been pretty busy. Actually, it's just a whole horde of assignments rushing at me due to procrastination but thank God the first wave is over! :) There's still a second wave of assignments and projects coming up but at least now I have a breather. Phew!

What a busy week this has been man! Rushing out assignments after assignments, memorising contents again and again, tests all coming all at once.. It's a wonder how I even survived this week! Some people are especially getting on my nerves though. -.- Since this is a public blog, I shall not name names. I am VERY tempted though. Irritating people who are so selfish. Can I just kill them? Urgh.

Term tests are approaching and yet I have zero knowledge of most subjects. Seriously, Amelia, you can say Nelli and Carity but what about yourself? -.- Maybe you should just stare at the mirror and nag at yourself too! Super disappointed in myself. I said I wanted to become a vet when I entered this course and yet what am I doing? Procrastination will get me nowhere man!

I don't know what I am doing these days too. I'm happy that at least now it's back to me, Nelli and Carity again. Yet, I can't deny what Carity said to me. She and Nelli have just been acquaintances from the start till now. Carity feels like Nelli doesn't understand her while Nelli does not know how to approach Carity at all. Such an irony huh? We three are always together as a clique but yet, in the end we are nothing but acquaintances.

The bloody irony.

Oh! By the way, JYJ and SM lawsuit has finally came to a conclusion. Both parties are going to drop charges against one another and promised not to interfere in one another's business anymore. I was momentarily stunned by the verdict. It was just too sudden and too unbelievable. For once, even studying is way less complicated than trying to figure out the reason for this sudden conclusion. Either way, it is finally over, though I'm still having mixed feelings regarding the verdict.

I don't want to turn into those biased stans though. God knows that we have enough stans in our fandom already! I am slightly inclined to Homin now, I won't deny that, but I still can fangirl over JYJ also okay? :) I still love them 5.

Okay, here I go again~ Droning about my Kpop stuff which all my friends tend to skip over. Alright. If it appeals to your tastes, fine, I'll stop blogging about it here. LOL. This blog is meant as a platform for communication to my friends anyway. It's sorta like Amelia News Update! :) You just need to read my blog to know what's going on in my life!

Now that I'm finally updating this blog of course, haha! I kinda miss hanging out with Elsie and Sien so I've dedicated my time on Sat to meet Sien and Sun to meet with Elsie and Michelle at two different timings. Oh gee!

Having more friends and a wider social network equate having less time for individual friends. Sighs. Maybe what Raine said is true. Having more friends are really kinda troublesome isn't it? I won't give up my friends for anything else though. Recently, I've just came up with this new theory about friendship.

"Friends are like little pieces of reflections of you. Together, they show who you truly are inside."

Nice and so true right? I'm quite proud of it actually since I thought it all up by myself, haha! I was just reminiscing the time I spent with my various friends when it suddenly occurred to me that in front of each and every one of them, I show a different side of me.

For example, in front of Sien, a more bitchy side of me comes up. A bitchy girl who will readily admit her love for her friend and hopes to get to know her better. Yups. That sums me for her. :) In front of Elsie, on the other hand, I'm especially careful of my words. Elsie, similar to Nelli, is extremely sensitive. In fact, Elsie is even more sensitive and insecure than Nelli. I don't know if I can ever fully reassure her that I'm never gonna ditch her and every time spent with her is memorable. I wish I can.

So, that leads me back to my previous saying:

"Friends are like little pieces of reflections of you. Together, they show who you truly are inside."

Thanks to all my friends, I am who I am today. Thanks to my family, I know who I am today. Thanks to God, I can be who I am today. Thanks to Cassiopeia and DBSK, I discover who I can be today.

DBSK.

My five handsome men.

Kim Jaejoong.

Jung Yunho.

Shim Changmin.

Kim Junsu.

Park Yoochun.

Five Always In The Heart.

"Our paths will cross again. I am thinking about you every time I close my (our) eyes. You’re everything. It is still natural that you are by our side. We will keep your place here until the day we can meet again. We believe that we can laugh together with you once again.

Even when the days pass by, and that there may be pains, you are always our “PRIDE”. The words that you murmured to the stars shining in the night sky, we still believe that it is not “Good bye”.  Under the same sky, dreaming the same dream, we are still searching for the W<double>. We will always shine in the same shape."

-JYJ, W English Translation

"Do you know what love is?
No actually, I don’t even know
I just don’t know
My heart is hot, it’s beating and I keep crying
 
What should I do?
Should I go to you and kneel before you?
I don’t even know
I keep searching for you, running, walking
But I’m in the same place

Do not you love me- Do not want to forget
Though I try to start anew
It’s not that easy
Our love, my memories, remembrances
I can’t even hide it anymore

Forget the past days
We just need to watch over each other
We know now- we don’t have to say it to know
We just need to shout everyday for the yesterdays that aren’t far away
I’m sorry I couldn’t speak- I love you

I tried calling multiple times
I worried about what I would say
Without me knowing
When I sleep and wake up,
I keep searching for you

Look at me, look at me right now
I changed so much that it’s awkward but
Wait for me- let’s not get too far apart
I will promise to the world in front of me"

-JYJ, Nine 

SUPPORT YUNJAE! SUPPORT DB5K! 

Humanoids

CAUSE WE ARE HUMANOIDS~

New song released on 26/11/12. :) I just love TVXQ so so much man. Homin looks so freaking hot in this MV la, haha. For once, I ain't complaining about the 'in the box' MV. They both are just TOO hot. :') SO SO HAPPY HAHA!

Next year, I'm definitely going broke. Jaejoong's solo album, JYJ's album and world tour and TVXQ Catch Me world tour... Seriously, are they trying to make me go broke? I have no more money left, CJES and SM! :(( It's really amazing how many new Cassie friends I've made though. :) *touched* Haha.

I feel like I have three families now. My biological ones, my friends and Cassiopeia. Somehow or another, 'Always keep the faith' has transformed into a fangirl's slogan to a principal I really want to live by in life. Always keep the faith. No matter what happens, no matter the situation, always keep the faith. :) I JUST LOVE THESE FOUR WORDS NOW! :))

Alright. Sleepy now. Gonna turn in for tomorrow's CSAS presentation. Wish me luck peeps. ^^

SIAN

Blogging once again cause Shimin keeps complaining that I don't blog often enough. Apparently, her life is that boring. Okay. Fine. I blog. Happy? :)

My life has taken a downturn for once. My clique in poly, small as we may be, actually is going through a lot of problems now. I don't even wanna think about it. I'm afraid. I don't know what to feel sometimes. It's like watching this whole clique fall apart and not being able to do anything about it. Fear now keeps me immobilized. I'm fucking afraid.

Just like how it was with Sien last time, it's happening now again. First, it starts with misunderstandings. Next, it starts with conflicts. Lastly, it ends with distance. Misunderstandings. Conflicts. Distance. MCD. The three stages to quarrelling. HA. I'm even an expert now.

Seriously, take me outta this life man. I just want to lead a perfectly normal life, is that so difficult? No more dramas, no more heartbreak, just me with a group of friends, living happily together, is that so difficult? Why does it feel like I'm climbing mountains here? Why?

So fucking sian and talking to Joel isn't helping.

I just want this to stop.

I hate conflicts.

Tired of all this shit.

*rage* 

POST UPDATE: IT'S SETTLED LE.

QUESTION

I will wait forever for these five men to come back together as five and awe me with their awesome songs. ^^ DB5K HWAITING! :) 

By the way, I can't wait for Humanoid to be released on 26 Nov. ^^ Mad excited! I can't wait for Jaejoong's solo album. I can't wait for JYJ's album next year. I can't wait for DB5K to happen. ^^

:) All my five handsome men. LOVE YA! :)

AlwaysKeepTheFaith.

 

:(

Yo peeps. ^^ Today is such an awesome day for OT5s. HAHAHAHAHAHA. No. I'm not gonna blog about it. Don't worry. I'm way too tired to be bothered. Haha. I'm just thinking how life is so ironic here.

Leon knew that I was feeling like a spare tire. *pigs are flying* Well, at least hopefully Carity will take note of me from now on? :) I hope so la, if not poly life is gonna be terribly boring and sad. As for Nelli, Carity's right. I should not have told Nelli. I'm being selfish huh?

God help me. I don't know how to react or feel anymore. What is appropriate or what's not I have no freaking idea! You know what's the best thing? I just talked a few sentences with Sien now and she immediately sensed that something's wrong.

"Why are you so touchy today?"

I don't know either. All my senses are on hypersensitivity now. Maybe it's cause I'm stressed? Or maybe it's cause this whole fiasco with me and my poly friends (totally one-sided) are tiring me out? I don't know. I just feel tired.

At times like this, when DBSK can't even cheer me up, I know that the problem's serious. I won't break my promises so thank God for that. :) Needa do brain clearance though. CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR!

Alright. I'm not making any sense, I know, but bear with me. I'm tired and I wanna go and sleep even though I've done nothing today. Yups. That's me. Totally 'productive'.

"A smeared white painting and my faded scent concealed inside an eye-blinding cloud. My feelings are moved by my wordless heart as those time that slipped through are in my hands. I'm holding back the tears. I walk, trying to lessen the weight of my heart as I go to a place that is neither close nor far. There, a different me stands. I don't cry."

"Once again, I bring my two hands together in a place that is part of reality instead of memories. It sounds foolish but we were always together then. Instead, the pain that I wanted to let go flowed throughout my whole body and dried up my tears."

"I'm living with my tears. I walk, trying to lessen the weight of my heart as I go to a place that is neither close nor far. There, a different me stands. I don't cry. I'm holding back the tears. I run, adding to the weight of my faith as I go to a place that is neither high or low. There, a different me stands, greeting others with a weak smile. I can laugh now."

-.-

So now here I am blogging again. Yo peeps man. Whatever. I'm not intending to sleep anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me tonight man. WHY THE FUCK I KEEP CRYING SIA? Like fuckk. 

Added Chuanjie on Facebook, stalked his photos, saw his smile and I actually cried. WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHY AM I CRYING OVER HIM! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH FUCKING SOCIETY!? That day when I cried over him, it's supposed to be the last time. WHAT THE FUCK!

Imagine..

Me: *looks at his photos*

Me: Woah. He changed a lot sia. Become more handsome siol. (my biased opinion) *starts crying*

AHHHH!!! GOING CRAZY! >< >< I immediately logged out of fb afterwards and now I am going to log in again.

I MUST CONQUER THIS. 

I WILL CONQUER THIS.

And I failed.

FML.

YOU SHOULD HAVE REJECTED THAT FRIEND REQUEST!! :((

Stupid CJ. All your fault. -.-

STUPID EMO PATHETIC POST

This post is practically posted for Shimin's sake cause she complained that it's so boring and that she needed a blogpost to entertain her. Of course! It will be no one other than me who is still online at this time. Urgh. Seriously. What is there to blog about lol?

Okay. There are things that I wanna blog about technically but since I'm a lazy bitch you just have to deal with it HAHA. I have been meaning to do a blog post for my birthday celebration with Shimin they all but I just realised that I do not have a single photo of us as a clique. Ironic huh? It's supposed to be a special day yet nobody takes pictures.

Ignore me. I'm being very grumpy at the moment. I'm just so frustrated by so many things. TOO MANY things in fact. China Studies and all the other modules in polytechnic are driving me mad. YUNHO AND CHANGMIN ARE COMING TO SINGAPORE NEXT THURSDAY and I'm gonna be stuck in TEMASEK poly cause of some STUPID tutorial. Seriously man. *crying* WHAT IS WRONG WITH LIFE?

I'm not even coming close to all the inner frustration inside of me man. Not even the tip of the bloody iceberg. It's not a good time for me to blog now cause I might say some things that I don't mean due to anger but seriously.. I CAN'T TAKE IT SOMETIMES. Fine. I get it. I'm invisible. People don't see me. I get it. Totally. My friends have boyfriends. I can understand. I can give you both more time to be with your boyfriends together. No problem, but can't you at least keep me company when I'm alone?

Is it too much to ask for? Today was CCN day and I was mainly sitting at our booth alone (except for Kaijie) cause two of my beloved friends went off with their boyfriends. I know Carity has limited time with her boyfriend so she wants to spend more time with him. I know Nelli and Joel just got together so they want to spend more time with each other. Yes, I can understand both of that, but can you understand what I'm feeling?

Nelli, remember you said that time you went out with Muipeng along with her boyfriend and when they were always together you started missing Joel? Well, now imagine feeling that neglected lonely feeling EVERYTIME and EVERYDAY you go to school. Go on. Try it. I'm tired of bearing it all in. I'm going insane I swear.

I know I'm being selfish, but what do you expect from me? I'm a girl being rejected by the one she likes and every couple I see reminds me of that stupid unchanging fact. I know it's my problem but please, try understanding from my point of view please? At least tell me if Joel's going to be there.

When I went your house to loan you my AAP book and I saw Joel there you know how shocked I felt? I was just telling myself that along the journey that I should tell you more about my crush cause I already told Carity and I told you nothing but just then, the very instant I saw Joel, all my thoughts evaporated.

What am I going to say when Joel's there? Every single time I want to tell you something you are not there. When you are with us, it's like your mind's else where. I know it's not easy to maintain so many relationships at once but I'm not even expecting much. I don't even expect us to hang out any longer. I just expect you to be there when the three of us hang out together is that too much to ask?

I don't want you to make the choice between Joel or us or anything like that but sometimes you know, I really feel like doing that. Please. I beg you or something. I don't want to see this clique falling apart. Joel is worried that Melvin will kick you out of this clique but he really has nothing to worry about. Nelli, you've already distanced from us, can't you tell that?

You tell me that when you turn your back expecting to find us after you bid Joel farewell but you don't see us. It's like we're not there anymore. Have you ever thought of it this way then? We did turn our back to look at you. It's just that whenever we do, we see Joel hugging you instead and you smiling at him looking utterly at bliss.

Sometimes when you are with us you look so distracted and lost. I don't mind if you spend more time with him. I don't mind if you spend more days with him. Just be there when we are hanging out together, can? I'm really tired of this la. We are a clique and yet when we meet up, everybody's just using their phone and not even talking. Then why do we meet up? Why do we even talk? Might as well don't la.

I'm not saying you can't text Joel while we're hanging out. Sure. Text him. Just participate after you're done texting. It's not a big request right? I feel like I'm always running up to try to catch up to your footsteps. Remember the spare tire comment that Carity said? I really feel so. I am just a spare tire to you and Carity.

When Leon's here, Carity goes with him. When Joel's here, you go with him. I'm left all alone. Just like what happened in CCN day today. I'm always accompanying Carity to find Leon and I'm getting sick of it. I know that Carity can tell. Nowadays I just tell her no when she wants to find Leon. I'm reaching my ending point.

When you needed the AAP textbook and you asked me if I wanted to come out and study, how do you think that made me feel? Like I'm being made used of? Like I don't matter to you and I'm just the errand girl called out to deliver the book to you?

I feel like I don't understand you anymore. I feel like we're turning from close friends to just plain friends. I want to tell you so much more but you're always not there. Everytime I turn my back I always see you being happily together with Joel you know? I'm thankful that I at least have Carity with me. I'm getting tired.

Quoting Julian here, "Who wants to hang around couples when you're single?"

No. Don't get started on Jumelia. I'm quoting him cause in that instant when we talked and he said this, I felt like he's speaking my feelings. Indeed, why the hell am I torturing myself when I hang out around you with Joel and Carity with Leon?

Let me give you a brief idea how I feel. Use your imagination kay? Imagine that Joel does not like you and only treats you like a normal friend. Imagine that your feelings for Joel are not reciprocated. Imagine that Joel rejects you and your feelings doesn't even matter to him. Imagine yourself being a sexist, a strong girl, and yet crying when you think of him. Imagine the stabbing pain when you have to repeat that there is a guy that you like that doesn't even give a shit about you.

Imagine that and tell me how would you feel if you see couples all the time smiling and basking in their happiness? I'm being selfish if I ask you not to be happy. That will be extremely stupid of me. I'm not going to ask that of course. I said it before and I will repeat myself. I support Joelly and I am sincerely happy for you. You are much happier than before. Just please remember that you still have two friends here.

I don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up, sometimes I feel like holding on. Most of the time I'm tired though. I love you Nelli in the friendship sense, but this love is seriously tiring me out. It's tiring trying to be your close friend. If we were just friends, I wouldn't mind what you're doing to me unconsciously now but since we are close friends (or I'll like to think so), I expect more. Or is that selfish of me too?

I'm hurting you now right? I'm using my words to hurt you. Haha. Feeling sorta pathetic now cause I'm feeling a weird sense of satisfaction that I'm hurting you even though it doesn't compare to how much you have hurt me UNKNOWINGLY. 

See? I've added that word in. The worse thing about this is that I know you don't mean anything. I know you don't mean to give us the impression that we are spare tires. I know that you don't mean to hurt anybody. I know that you're frustrated at trying to maintain so many relationships at once. I know that you're tiring inside also.I know that you don't mean anything you do and you are just as frustrated at the situation as I am.

That's why I didn't want to say anything. 

That's why I tried to keep it to myself.

I'll complain to Carity when I can't take it and Carity will just reassure me.

"It'll get better in time."

But did it? 

Both of us grappling in the darkness, unsure of your intentions. Who are we kidding?

When Joel's friends miss him, they call him back and you come back to us. Think then. How does that make us feel? I miss you. I always do. Even when you are talking to me, I still miss you. Even when you are right next to me, I still miss you. Cause it always feels like you're not there. You're here with us but it seems like you're happier with Joel. Correct me if I'm wrong okay? But this is SERIOUSLY the feeling that I get. Sometimes I just wanna go forward to you and tell you to go with Joel you know? I mean if you're not happy being with us then just be with him. Whatever that makes you happy. I really mean it. I'm not being sarcastic.

I just want you to be happy. I just want Carity to be happy too. That's why I accompany her to go and find Leon. That's why I started shipping Joelly and supporting this relationship. But right now, Carity's tired, I'm tired and I don't know about you but I think after reading this post I'm sure you're tired too huh?

If that's the case then I'm sorry. Take it that you've never looked at this post. I won't blame you. Right now, I'm already writing this as a last resort cause I'm tired. No. I don't mean that we'll never be friends. It's just that I'm tired of saying. Carity's tired of saying. It's your life. Your own choice.
 
If you wanna study for your goals, then study. If you don't, then don't. Up to you. If you hang out with us, good! :) If you don't, it's okay. I never expected us to be like what we were before. I don't wanna expect anything anymore.

Now Shimin, see! That's why I didn't wanna blog. :(

Actually, whatever~ I don't think Nelli reads this blog anymore anyway.

你。。听得到海哭的声音吗？还是你已经连我的哭声都听不到了？对你而言，你只能看到我对你微笑的幻灭吧！

Insickenificant.

fly

想要忘掉一个人并不容易，但如果人一直沉迷在过去不肯自拔，那就算过了多少时间，人还是忘不了的。不在执著于过去的回忆，不要在落入令人窒息的情绪陷阱，我已决定要向前飞，展开翅膀往广阔的天空飞翔！

SUNRISE

Struck with a sudden impulse to blog so here I am once again, blogging in the middle of the night. :)

I'm thankful that Nelli and Suu Swen are alright. I don't know how but apparently two of my friends experienced stomach problems today. Okay. What a coincidence? But seriously, take better care of yourselves! STOP SKIPPING MEALS YOU BOTH! Naughty people. I should collaborate with Joel and force Nelli to eat or something, lol. :) That girl never eats. She simply refuses. -..- As for Suu Swen, I should just ban her from DBSK until she eats properly, HAHA. I'll bet she'll even agree to a buffet just to see DBSK lol. :) (not that I won't. :P)

I can't believe how fast time flies though. More importantly, I can't believe how many true friends I've made this year. :) Thanks to Carity. She's so sweet to me and she was such an EXCELLENT listening ear to me yesterday. :) It was the first time I talked to her about my crush and she gave such practical advice and snapped me out of my delusions. THANK YOU CARITY! ^^

Nelli, Nelli, Nelli.. ^^ She's actually a very fun girl to be with you know? :) And she says the sweetest things sometimes. :) I'm really so so happy that I knew her and that I'm still friends with her. HAHA. Although I have to say that I really hate the word 'Mimi' that she calls me. I much prefer Ama. :)

And speaking of this word 'Ama', I immediately thought of Sien and Nena, Shimin and the rest of the clique. Unknowingly, the person I've distanced the most from the clique is Yilian. :( I feel quite sad about that actually. She's the first person whom I ever talked to about writing. The first person who did so much for me. I can never forget the day I opened the box and saw the numerous letters greeting me from within. It's the best birthday gift I've received ever. :)

I really hope that I can meet Yilian more often though. I feel like there's a gap between us and I'm not doing anything to bridge the gap. :/ Why am I being like this man? I should talk to her more often. :( BAD AMELIA! (yes, I do treat myself like a dog apparently.)

Shimin's okay. We're still fine when we see each other. I highly doubt we will be awkward unless I don't see her for years. HAHA. Still, I think it'll be pretty easy to break the ice with her. :) Tingwei, on the other hand, well, I talk to her almost everyday there is really no distance to talk about haha! :) We are still as close. :)

And now to the last person of the clique: Michelle. You won't believe how I felt when I read your letter Michelle. It was the right words I needed to hear at that time. Schoolwork's overloading and all you said was that you believe I can do it. Weird, I know, but those are the exact words I needed to hear.

You can do it!

Four words of encouragement, and yet it brightened up my day. Thank you Michelle! ;) Thanks so much! :D Now, let me move on to my other friends..

Sien.

Have I posted a lot about you already? Felt like I already did. I'm sure you know it already though. It's mainly just the same few words repeating themselves. :)) I love you. You are my precious friend and I am sorry that even though I promised that I will spend more time with you, I don't seem to be fulfilling it. Sorry. :/ Schoolwork's a bitch! :(

Elsie.

OMG. THIS IS THE GIRL I CRAP WITH EVERYDAY MAN! I've known her for about 6 years already I think? Omg. Elsie you are so so old! Haha. :) I'm happy being with you okay? The 'date' at Bishan Park felt perfect to me and I won't trade you for anyone else! ^^

So, list of my close friends now:

1. Carity
2. Elsie
3. Michelle
4. Nelli 
5. Shi Min
6. Si En
7. Suu Swen
8. Ting Wei
9. Yi Lian 

WEEE~ Aren't I blessed? ;) Thank God for everything man! Amen! :)

WHAT A NICE BIRTHDAY I HAVE THIS YEAR! ;)

Thank you my dear friends. :) Love ya. :)

S.M.I.L.E

 

I'll say first. This blogpost is going to be 'emo'. If you do not wish to read, I'll understand. Just click the 'x' button on the top right hand corner of your window. No one will blame you. I certainly won't.

Today is a tiring day. I was finally forced to face the inevitable truth and the sight was not pretty. I don't know how I managed to bear it in for so long anyway. Before I met Nelli today, I was already pretty upset. When Nelli was in the room with Joel, I was already lost in the past memories as 听海 and 不只是朋友 played on the computer. The sense of longing, hope and sadness overwhelmed me. I don't know how I bore it all in.

Finally, the dam burst open as I was listening to The Story I Don't Want to Believe in by DBSK. Hearing the song lyrics, I knew just then that I could hide it no longer. I still like him and to be honest, I really didn't know what to do to forget him and give it up.

Like an idiot, tears fell from my eyes as the sudden urge to confide in someone got stronger and stronger. Oddly, the first person that appeared in my mind was Carity. I don't know why too. Maybe it's cause I feel guilty that I've never spoken about my feelings for Chuanjie to her before. Maybe it's cause she mentioned in my birthday card to not keep everything inside of me. Either way, she was the one I chose.

I texted her. I can't remember exactly what I texted. I just knew that I had to explain these feelings inside of me. I was literally desperate to forget him. So desperate I was that I was fervently wishing in my heart that he will appear before my sight and reject me harshly so that I will be able to give it all up and move on. Foolish me huh?

Yet, Carity's words made me cry harder.

Me: No matter how hard I try I still cannot! Very irritating!!! :(( really.

Carity: aiyo..cannot like tt de..mus learn to move on

One text message, a few words, they triggered an explosive reaction. She may not have known but I think she does that I'm secretly not willing to let him go. That's perhaps why she phrased it that way. Reading her text, I remembered what Shimin said when she first knew of my blog url.

"Your blog url really suit you. You always keep harping on things."

Indeed, aren't I harping on things? Chuan Jie does not like me. It's a fact that I knew two years ago, why do I still harbor hope then? Why am I so foolish to think that he can like me when right now I'm practically a stranger to him? Ashamed. That's what I feel. Stupid. That's what I am. Fool. That's what I will become if I continue being like this. 

I need to learn to move on.

I need to.

Somehow, this realization set off an explosion of waterworks again. I could feel the tiny flame of hope in me struggling, flickering, before the wind of truth washed everything away and put out the flame. Gone. Vanished. Empty. I cried again.

I can feel the loss right now. The empty space that has replaced the hope that has been extinguished. It's like a song without lyrics, a dog without a tail, a me without a piece of my heart. How to move on from now on? How do I eradicate his presence in my heart when he has infected almost every part? How do I?

Carity replied me: i cannot tell u how..u have to learn n figure de

I have to start from the scratch again huh? I have to put down those feelings, tell myself that it will fade away and start from step one once more. I need to start my own beginning and stop harping on these unwanted feelings. I need to learn to move on.

Yilian has done it. Shimin has done it. Michelle has done it. It should not be difficult right? Yes! It should not be. I need to let this courage that I'm experiencing right now flood me and all my senses. I need to gather the strength from within. I need to stitch this wound up once and for all. Stop this nonsense. Stop this shit. Stop harping over a thing that can never come true.

I need to learn to start being me again, or I can create a total new me too! I will forget him, this I will swear. It's been a year since I last cried about him and today is and shall be the first and very last day. Wish me luck man! :)

I don't know how to forget but I'm praying that I will learn it soon. No matter what happens, life still goes on. I will learn to move on eventually and this pain I feel right now will go away. I will be strong once more. I will smile again. Genuinely.

This is a promise okay?

I won't avoid anymore. I will face up to it. I will forget about him. Maybe not right now but eventually I believe I will. 

Amelia dekiru! DEKIRU DEKIRU DEKIRU!

"どんなに闇の深い夜でも かならず明日は来るから."

The breeze that catches your hair
The sunshine that ignites your smile
The hugs, love, touches and kisses
The one that makes me go wild

The gaze that darkens when she's gone
The light put out when you're alone
The tears, fears, shouts and screams
The piece of heart that went missing


The fear that overpowers your senses
The insecurity that left you helpless
The girl who left without a word
The witness who stood there useless

The final decision that was made
The ultimate mistake that was paid
The utter despair that was gone
The bitter resolve that was borne

The tears that shed a river
The arms that started to quiver
The warmth that slowly dissipated
The driving hunger finally sated

The heart that was broken
The memories that were fallen
The rose that had withered
The laughter that had drifted

The one that had died
The one that had cried
The one that was dying
The one that could be flying

Death had sunk his claws
Love had saved them all
Fear had stealthily risen
Hope broke us out of the prison

School: Screwed for Course which is Hell Over Over Load.

School: Screwed for Course which is Hell Over Over Load.

Yups. I just invented that up. Pro huh? :) I've not managed to accomplish anything so far and I am lagging so much behind my studies I feel like just locking myself up in my room and force myself to study all day. :( Oh well.. :(

To be honest, I'm actually quite afraid of some of my friends drifting away from me. In fact, some already did. Is it foolish of me if I say I want everybody to never let go of me just like I will never let go of them? I don't know. You've changed. You've distanced. It's like I don't even matter anymore. It hurts but I've gotten used to it already. It has transformed into a habit.

Now, I'm at crossroads again. So many friends I've promised to meet up but I never did.. What kind of friend am I anyway? -.- Getting pissed at myself. I'm just so sick of being with friends sometimes. I need some alone time okay? :( No offense or anything. :)

In polytechnic, it's worse. I'm either accompanying Carity to find Leon or Nelli to find Joel. Even if they are not finding their boyfriends, they constantly talk about them. I'm okay with that honestly. It's just sometimes I really wish for some ALONE time without boyfriends and all that stuff. Can't we just go back to the past? I feel like I've distanced from you guys already. Both Nelli and Carity. I'm starting to get sick of it already.

If Monday, Wednesday and Friday is Nelli's days with us, then can I request for one day for myself to be left alone too? I'm happy for Joel and Nelli, don't get me wrong, but I really don't wanna hang around couples all the time. Leon and Carity or Joel and Nelli are the same to me right now. Both are couples. Nothing different. It's just a single gets sick of hanging around couples sometimes okay? 

Okay. I should not type this. Still, whatever! I promised to convey my true feelings and these are mine. I'M TIRED OF HANGING AROUND COUPLES ALL THE TIME. I'm sorry. No offense. I don't care if it's for a few days only but it's practically everyday that I hang out with either Joelly or Cl you know? I'm just sick of it sometimes. I wonder if that's a crime?

Sighs. Whatever whatever. Now's not the time to think about this anyway. Gotta rush through for HPI tutorial tomorrow and do my China Studies oral presentation. Goodbye.

 

ALWAYS KEEP THE Five Always In The Heart

:)

Yo guys. Haha. It's been ages since I last blogged huh? I'm always online though. :D Since I'm an extremely lazy person, I shall not blog about my birthday anymore. I give you guys a summary okay? :D

Sien and Nena: Musical box plus a total ridiculous looking card. :D

Nelli and Carity: An excellent DBSK cushion and an excellent card.

Elsie: An excellent card. :) (although she missed out Yoochun. T-T)

I was so happy when I received the cards ahahahahaha. :) I REAL:LY LOVE CARDS! :) They tell me how much my friends mean to me. :D Just kidding~ :)

I can't believe time flies so fast though. O.O It's astounding man!! :( God. This semester's timetable is also totally whacko. I really really hate 8am lessons man. They screw up my body clock! (not late night fangirling. :P)

I have so many thoughts so many feelings but somehow I can't express them properly. In the card that Carity and Nelli gave me, they kept saying that I keep things to myself. I was like what? Since when did I do that? Did I really?

That's probably when I realised that the only thing that I've kept from them and the only thing that was bothering me that I never discussed with them is about him.

Forever alone.

Does it truly bother me?

Not really actually. It's not the fact that I'm forever alone that bothers me but him that bothers me. Still, I think it's time I've learned to let go of things that never belonged to me huh? If Shimin has already done so, why can't I?

It's time I got a life. It's time I moved on.

Bye you~ GOOD BYE~

And remember that I was dedicating song to each and every one of my friends? The moment I heard this song I felt that this song was dedicated to me. It was as though it was dedicated to me. :)

"Girl, because your heart is empty  
Why can't you let it go, 
let it go, 
let it go, 
let it go? 
Girl, because your heart is empty"

It is indeed empty, LOL. 

Alright so moving on, yes yes my dear Nelli and Carity, fire your questions away next time okay? I will answer all of them! ^^

Now that that's settled, I'm kinda lazy to blog once more. Alright! Uploading DBSK pictures and my entry's gonna end. BYE! :D

You know what, heck it. :) I'm gonna upload this video instead. :)

 

Goodbye. :)

Black and Old :)

Did I mention how much I love this song? :')

就算只是一点点，就算对你来说毫无理由，但对我来说，那却是无数个感动和数不清的感谢。因为我的一个小小的请求便费劲毫力和尽力而为的你，感谢你。:) 你已经送给了我最棒的生日礼物了。

如果不想说的话请别勉强，但如果想说的话，我可是随时都在你身边的哦！二十四小时免费服务。:)

不过讲真的，谢谢你啦! ^^

虽然说出来会很尴尬，但我可是很很很很爱你的哦？;) 比东方神起还要爱你! 比白哉还要爱你~ (白哉就是Byakuya啦,笨蛋！:P)

这份友谊，我们永远走下去哦！^^

“We should not shed tears
That is a surrender of the body to the heart
It is only proof
That we are beings that do not know
What to do with out hearts”
 -Tite Kubo, BLEACH 1: Strawberry and the Soul Reapers 

With you, I'm confident I can keep on smiling. ^^

 TAKE THAT! ^^