Hi guys. Yoyo~ :) I'm here to blog since I'm essentially house-confined by my dear dear foot. Yes, Shimin, I've finally experienced the pain of a sprain. HAHAHA. The reason why it happened is gonna be so freaking ridiculous though. Wait for it. The reason why I sprained/hit/whatthefuckdidIevendo to my leg was because...
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...I wasted hours doing a DIY gift last night that turned out to be shit and I got so pissed I kicked the fridge.
Yes, you didn't see it wrong. I kicked the fridge. Apparently, it made such a huge ruckus my mom was woken up by it. She walked into the kitchen and when she asked me what happened all I replied her was this: I got so mad so I kicked the fridge.
THAT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
I've come to realise now that my foot is obviously not made of iron or steel but rather flesh and bones. YES AMELIA. FLESH AND BONES. Do you think you're ultra-man or something? DO YOU THINK YOUR FOOT IS IMPENETRABLE? HUH? You freaking dumb shit!! $%^*UYGR%$R^&Y^%$ESDXFCG!!!!
It's my official first day of holidays and this is what happens to me. *sighs* I'm seriously so mad at myself right now. I was supposed to go job hunting with Huini today! I'm NOT supposed to be stuck at home nursing my stupid useless foot. (Why aren't you made of iron or steel? Urgh.)
Worse still, I can't tell anyone about it cause there is NO ONE at home. Everyone's out at work. I'm the only useless bum now. -.- I complained to my hamster but I swear it looks more than delighted to see me in pain. DAT BITCH!
So now, I'm stuck at home in boredom while waiting for someone to come and rescue me. Oh man. I really wish I was the female lead character in some Korean drama. THEN THE MALE LEAD CHARACTER CAN COME AND RESCUE ME! :( And carry me around. ;/
I need a boyfriend.
No wait. I need a servant.
SERVANTS COME TO THY MASTER!!!! :((
(I won't do DIYs anymore. FUCKING SHITSSSSSSSS!)
Urgh. I blame you fridge.
YOU! :(
FRIDGE YOU!
*storms off while dragging foot*
Monday, February 24, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
friends. T__________________________________________T
Blogging even when I'm not supposed to but who gives a shit? THANKING AND LOVING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SHOULD ALWAYS TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER STUPID STUDIES. The above sentence is just a summary of what I'm feeling right now so be prepared for a super mushy post. A REALLY MUSHY ONE.
Sighs. I don't know why I'm being so emotional really. The nights just make me sad you know? Feel like my life's being robbed away. Always feeling extremely sad at nights like this. Sometimes, it's always the nights that seems to extinguish every candle of hope. All those mixed emotions and conflicting feelings until I laid my eyes on the box of letters that Yilian gave me...
And I start reading them, not only the ones Yilian gave me but those others that my friends gave me throughout the years. My secondary school friends, my primary school friends... EVERYONE. Everyone who just means so much to me in my life.
This is probably gonna be really embarrassing but when I start to feel distant with a person, I'll read the letter they've given me and somehow, that will cheer me up really good. Sien's and Nena's letters make me laugh really hard. Actually, theirs isn't even considered a letter. Nena's was a fucking poem she copied off the wrapping paper. It makes me irritated yet amused at the same time. Sien's ones are mostly accusing me of being a 1018 year old mammoth or something. That still makes me happy though, oddly enough. I've gotten used to Sien's inability to express affection of any sort. (She will kill me if she sees this. RIP AMELIA)
As for Elsie, well, her blog is like her diary. :') Every time I feel like our friendship is in shambles (trust me Elsie, I over think more than you), I'll read all the blog entries she made about me and omg, I'll feel so so touched I'll start smiling to myself like an idiot. Actually, remove the word 'like'. I AM an idiot. I am such an idiot for hurting my friends and myself for doing all those STUPID things back then. URGH. Quoting Frozen's Let It Go, "The past is in the past, let it go~"
:D And beside Elsie, there's still Michelle's. Okay. Michelle's ones aren't really letters. I spend almost everyday of school with her after all. We'll always go home together and complain about our school life cause that's what we do hahaha. What really stays with me for Michelle is really that one particular bus ride back home. You've gotta understand this. Michelle's usually the 'motherly' type where she just comforts me whenever I feel down. It was the FIRST time I've seen her so mad at me. I was shocked, stunned, yet happy that she cared enough for me to snap me out of my senses.
I don't really remember what I said back then. All the insults, all the things I hated about myself, I said it all to her. It's always with Michelle that I have all this 'self-hatred explosions'. I'll tell her how much I hate myself, how much I wish I was someone else. I'll rant to her about everything that was perfect in my life because the only imperfection is me. I shouldn't be living my life now, I'll tell her, I shouldn't deserve all the happiness I have.
I remembered saying this, "It's so unfair that good people like Vernise have to die. Why can't it be me? She was so kind. She was so pretty, so understanding, so perfect. Why did she have to die but not me?"
That was when Michelle exploded I think. She couldn't take it anymore. She just scolded me right on the public bus and started ranting on and on and on... I can't really remember what she said. In fact, the scene right now is nothing but a blurred image to me. I just remembered seeing the fire in her eyes, the conviction and belief she had in me, and I was blown away... I was speechless. For someone to believe in me so much when I didn't even believe in myself. I was so impressed I was mute. Words left me and the echoes of Michelle's words continued in the background...
That was one hell of a bus ride for sure. HAHA. Yet, it snapped me out of my senses real good. For that Michelle, thanks! :) I really AM grateful to you. That ride actually changed something within me, believe it or not. So thank you! *bows*
So after Michelle, there's Yilian's and Tingwei's. Okay. Yilian's ones are really sweet and mushy. I don't know what to say HAHAHA. Throughout the course of her JC years and my poly years, me and her have drifted apart many times. It's not her fault nor is it mine. Distance and time just have a way of wrecking any close friendships one might have. I used to blame her. I used to be really upset, but every time a thing like that happened, I told myself to focus on the pleasant memories instead.
I would read the blog entry she did for when I surprised her for her birthday with Michelle and Sheryl 2 years back. I would read others that told me how much I meant to her in her life. If all else fails, I would read the letters she gave me. It was tough at first. I hated reading the letters. Hated being reminded that everything was perfect back then. Hated looking at the shambles of our friendships now. Hated pretending everything was okay. Then, something clicked in me and the anger ebbed away to be replaced by love.
Through the letters, I've seen a side of Yilian I've never seen before. I'm always thankful for the friends I've been given, always remember that, even when most of the friends that I have right now are ones that have issues with trusting people and letting people in. Yilian was one of them. Many times, she'll clamp up when something happens to her and I'll be left concerned and panicking cause I don't know what to say to make her feel remotely better. I worry a lot when it comes to my friends. I don't know why too but that is the truth. Sien says I tend to get so engrossed in my friends' problems I lose myself. I hope she knows that sentence applies to her too cause it totally does. In any case, let's go back to Yilian. I was losing faith in our friendship back then. I won't even deny it. Several times, I would question myself, was the pain worth it all? Was there truly a rainbow after the rain?
But her letters helped a lot. Her letters kept me holding onto the faith of our friendship. It showed me that I meant something to Yilian and honestly, that's the part I need reminding most of the time haha. I'm really thankful for those letters because of that. They are really one of the BEST gifts I've ever received in my life, above any DBSK merchandise. Even if DBSK were to appear in front of me right now and give me letters, it still won't amount to the letters she gave me back when we were 16 years old. THAT'S HOW MUCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MEANS TO ME OKAY? DBSK will forever be BELOWWWW friends.
And of course, let's talk about Tingwei. I've never blogged anything sweet to her huh? Okay, I did but never as many times as I did for the others. It's not because I don't want to okay? It's just because I feel like I'm with her everyday even though we never meet often. We chat everyday. We complain about our lives. We talk. It's like we're still schooling together even though we're not. I know it's weird but that's really the truth. That's really how I feel.
I worry about Tingwei. A lot. Shimin does too. Whenever we meet up, we always talk about the clique members and Tingwei & Yilian are our topmost concerns simply because they don't tell us when they're facing a problem. It worries me. I'm not the most sensitive person you know out there on the planet. I can't detect if someone's sad, upset, emo, angry or whatever emotion you happen to be feeling at the moment, understand? I have this constant fear that I'll be talking to my friend and she'll be pretending that everything's fine when she isn't. It makes me feel guilty and stupid that I can't even detect something's wrong with my friend. Those are my honest thoughts. So friends, please don't close yourselves from me. That's the worst thing you can ever do to me. Don't think you don't matter. Every single one of you do.
So Tingwei, you really make me worry a lot you know? Over your studies, over your friendships, over your emotions, you make me worry all the time. Every time you complain to me about your friends, I feel like transferring to Ngee Ann poly right that instant just so that I can be beside you. You know how precious you are to me? HUH? When you complain about your studies (which is right now) I wished I had taken accountancy course just so that I can teach you. Whenever you feel lonely, I wish I could be there. I wish I could tell you the exact words you need to make you feel better. I wish I was a genius. I wish I was a superhero. Maybe then I can take away all the unhappiness my friends around me feel and make it all better.
And since I'm on this topic, I shall shift my attention to Nelli. Dear, dear, dear, dear, did you know my heart almost stop when you asked me the question on Facebook chat yesterday? It may seem nothing to you. I don't even know if you're serious or not but every time you tell me you wanna die it just breaks my heart inside. I can understand a little of how Joel feels okay? I can understand why he doesn't want you to say that. It breaks your heart into a million pieces you just don't know how to piece it back together anymore. I love you as a friend and seeing you struggle through so many suicidal thoughts just make me wish I was a magician just so that I can magic your troubles away.
Remember your question yesterday?
"If I told you I would be happier if I died, would you be happy for me?"
Honestly girl, what did you expect me to say? That I'll be happy if you died. NEVER. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE HAPPY IF I EVER LOSE A CLOSE FRIEND TO ME HUH. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE AT ALL.
Yet, you said it will make you happy.
And I find myself at a loss. Would I support your decision then? You leave me in a whirlwind of thoughts. Am I supposed to support you in a decision that will make you happy even if it means your death? I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. Sometimes, I get afraid. I'm scared I'll wake up one day to find you dead cause you finally got the guts to end it all. It terrifies me so much every time you said you wanna die you know? It really does.
I close my eyes and pretend that your words aren't affecting me but they are. I don't want you to know though. If you knew, you will stop sharing your thoughts with me cause you knew that will make me upset but I don't want that to happen cause I want to be with you every single step in the journey of life. I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything. I don't want you to shut yourself away from me. THAT'S THE WORSE THING YOU CAN EVER EVER EVER DO TO ME SO DON'T EVER DO THAT OKAY? EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU REALLY WANNA DIE, TELL ME. I don't care. I want to know everything. I don't want to give up on you, even if you're giving up on yourself.
I may not have said this enough but trust me, Nelli, I love you as a friend. You're the first friend I watched the sunrise with. That means a lot you know that? You taught me to follow my dreams, you taught me patience, tolerance and gave me the ability to see the world in a different perspective, a magical perspective. IF you ever die, I'll haunt you okay?
So don't ever think about doing it. Don't.
I've decided on my answer to your question. It's gonna be really selfish of me, but you know what, I'm gonna stubbornly insist on you living on planet Earth. You can escape out into the galaxies but NEVER EVER give up on life okay? A life without you is terrible. Unimaginable. You'll really make me cry if you ever die. I'll cry so badly I'll gouge my eyeballs out. Disgusting? THEN DON'T DIE!!
Don't.
Can I ask you to promise me that?
Even if promises can be broken, I trust that ours wouldn't. So please, don't do it. Ask NIKE to shut the fuck up. (In case ya didn't know, Nike's slogan is Just Do It!)
And now after Nelli, there's Carity, Stacy, my Cassie friends Suuswen and my dearest friend Shimin. Omg Shimin. HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALREADY. It's so exaggeratingly long I can't even.
It's so dumb cause I can't believe it. We've grown a lot huh? From bashing spider webs with rocks to who we are today. We've matured. We've laughed. We've teared and through it all, we've been together. :') And now you're following your dreams aren't you? You're gonna go for overseas internship while I'll be stuck in Singapore with my sorry ass. You'll have a wonderful life out there, I just know it! :D Have a happy life ahead. Really. I can't help but think that our journey together is coming to an end. Okay. I don't mean that we're not friends anymore. I mean more like we wouldn't see each other often anymore. You and Si En give me that feeling. Don't ask me why. LOL. But regardless, I am REALLY happy for you both and if you both get to intern in Japan (for Sien) or England (for Shimin) I will personally send you off at the airport if possible okay? Besides Celeste, you two have been the only friends who are able to control me with your words actions and everything else. Though I'll miss you I know you'll have greater fun out there! HAVE FUN WITH INTERNSHIP AND DON'T FORGET TO BUY ME SOUVENIRS THANKS.
Omg. Maybe Yilian's right. I do tend to overthink. I'm getting more emotional as I type this post right now. Fuck. If I continue I'll definitely start tearing for real. FUCK YOU AMELIA WHY YOU SO USELESS WHEN IT COMES TO THINGS LIKE THIS.
WHY??
T__________________________________________________________________T
Why does the future ahead fill me with such sadness? Why do I feel like we're all gonna be separated? WHY CAN'T I GET THIS FEELINGS OFF MY CHEST. Nothing bad is gonna happen. We'll remain as friends for life right?
Right?????
Fuck.
I'm gonna go to a corner and cry now.
Bye guys.
Sighs. I don't know why I'm being so emotional really. The nights just make me sad you know? Feel like my life's being robbed away. Always feeling extremely sad at nights like this. Sometimes, it's always the nights that seems to extinguish every candle of hope. All those mixed emotions and conflicting feelings until I laid my eyes on the box of letters that Yilian gave me...
And I start reading them, not only the ones Yilian gave me but those others that my friends gave me throughout the years. My secondary school friends, my primary school friends... EVERYONE. Everyone who just means so much to me in my life.
This is probably gonna be really embarrassing but when I start to feel distant with a person, I'll read the letter they've given me and somehow, that will cheer me up really good. Sien's and Nena's letters make me laugh really hard. Actually, theirs isn't even considered a letter. Nena's was a fucking poem she copied off the wrapping paper. It makes me irritated yet amused at the same time. Sien's ones are mostly accusing me of being a 1018 year old mammoth or something. That still makes me happy though, oddly enough. I've gotten used to Sien's inability to express affection of any sort. (She will kill me if she sees this. RIP AMELIA)
As for Elsie, well, her blog is like her diary. :') Every time I feel like our friendship is in shambles (trust me Elsie, I over think more than you), I'll read all the blog entries she made about me and omg, I'll feel so so touched I'll start smiling to myself like an idiot. Actually, remove the word 'like'. I AM an idiot. I am such an idiot for hurting my friends and myself for doing all those STUPID things back then. URGH. Quoting Frozen's Let It Go, "The past is in the past, let it go~"
:D And beside Elsie, there's still Michelle's. Okay. Michelle's ones aren't really letters. I spend almost everyday of school with her after all. We'll always go home together and complain about our school life cause that's what we do hahaha. What really stays with me for Michelle is really that one particular bus ride back home. You've gotta understand this. Michelle's usually the 'motherly' type where she just comforts me whenever I feel down. It was the FIRST time I've seen her so mad at me. I was shocked, stunned, yet happy that she cared enough for me to snap me out of my senses.
I don't really remember what I said back then. All the insults, all the things I hated about myself, I said it all to her. It's always with Michelle that I have all this 'self-hatred explosions'. I'll tell her how much I hate myself, how much I wish I was someone else. I'll rant to her about everything that was perfect in my life because the only imperfection is me. I shouldn't be living my life now, I'll tell her, I shouldn't deserve all the happiness I have.
I remembered saying this, "It's so unfair that good people like Vernise have to die. Why can't it be me? She was so kind. She was so pretty, so understanding, so perfect. Why did she have to die but not me?"
That was when Michelle exploded I think. She couldn't take it anymore. She just scolded me right on the public bus and started ranting on and on and on... I can't really remember what she said. In fact, the scene right now is nothing but a blurred image to me. I just remembered seeing the fire in her eyes, the conviction and belief she had in me, and I was blown away... I was speechless. For someone to believe in me so much when I didn't even believe in myself. I was so impressed I was mute. Words left me and the echoes of Michelle's words continued in the background...
That was one hell of a bus ride for sure. HAHA. Yet, it snapped me out of my senses real good. For that Michelle, thanks! :) I really AM grateful to you. That ride actually changed something within me, believe it or not. So thank you! *bows*
So after Michelle, there's Yilian's and Tingwei's. Okay. Yilian's ones are really sweet and mushy. I don't know what to say HAHAHA. Throughout the course of her JC years and my poly years, me and her have drifted apart many times. It's not her fault nor is it mine. Distance and time just have a way of wrecking any close friendships one might have. I used to blame her. I used to be really upset, but every time a thing like that happened, I told myself to focus on the pleasant memories instead.
I would read the blog entry she did for when I surprised her for her birthday with Michelle and Sheryl 2 years back. I would read others that told me how much I meant to her in her life. If all else fails, I would read the letters she gave me. It was tough at first. I hated reading the letters. Hated being reminded that everything was perfect back then. Hated looking at the shambles of our friendships now. Hated pretending everything was okay. Then, something clicked in me and the anger ebbed away to be replaced by love.
Through the letters, I've seen a side of Yilian I've never seen before. I'm always thankful for the friends I've been given, always remember that, even when most of the friends that I have right now are ones that have issues with trusting people and letting people in. Yilian was one of them. Many times, she'll clamp up when something happens to her and I'll be left concerned and panicking cause I don't know what to say to make her feel remotely better. I worry a lot when it comes to my friends. I don't know why too but that is the truth. Sien says I tend to get so engrossed in my friends' problems I lose myself. I hope she knows that sentence applies to her too cause it totally does. In any case, let's go back to Yilian. I was losing faith in our friendship back then. I won't even deny it. Several times, I would question myself, was the pain worth it all? Was there truly a rainbow after the rain?
But her letters helped a lot. Her letters kept me holding onto the faith of our friendship. It showed me that I meant something to Yilian and honestly, that's the part I need reminding most of the time haha. I'm really thankful for those letters because of that. They are really one of the BEST gifts I've ever received in my life, above any DBSK merchandise. Even if DBSK were to appear in front of me right now and give me letters, it still won't amount to the letters she gave me back when we were 16 years old. THAT'S HOW MUCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MEANS TO ME OKAY? DBSK will forever be BELOWWWW friends.
And of course, let's talk about Tingwei. I've never blogged anything sweet to her huh? Okay, I did but never as many times as I did for the others. It's not because I don't want to okay? It's just because I feel like I'm with her everyday even though we never meet often. We chat everyday. We complain about our lives. We talk. It's like we're still schooling together even though we're not. I know it's weird but that's really the truth. That's really how I feel.
I worry about Tingwei. A lot. Shimin does too. Whenever we meet up, we always talk about the clique members and Tingwei & Yilian are our topmost concerns simply because they don't tell us when they're facing a problem. It worries me. I'm not the most sensitive person you know out there on the planet. I can't detect if someone's sad, upset, emo, angry or whatever emotion you happen to be feeling at the moment, understand? I have this constant fear that I'll be talking to my friend and she'll be pretending that everything's fine when she isn't. It makes me feel guilty and stupid that I can't even detect something's wrong with my friend. Those are my honest thoughts. So friends, please don't close yourselves from me. That's the worst thing you can ever do to me. Don't think you don't matter. Every single one of you do.
So Tingwei, you really make me worry a lot you know? Over your studies, over your friendships, over your emotions, you make me worry all the time. Every time you complain to me about your friends, I feel like transferring to Ngee Ann poly right that instant just so that I can be beside you. You know how precious you are to me? HUH? When you complain about your studies (which is right now) I wished I had taken accountancy course just so that I can teach you. Whenever you feel lonely, I wish I could be there. I wish I could tell you the exact words you need to make you feel better. I wish I was a genius. I wish I was a superhero. Maybe then I can take away all the unhappiness my friends around me feel and make it all better.
And since I'm on this topic, I shall shift my attention to Nelli. Dear, dear, dear, dear, did you know my heart almost stop when you asked me the question on Facebook chat yesterday? It may seem nothing to you. I don't even know if you're serious or not but every time you tell me you wanna die it just breaks my heart inside. I can understand a little of how Joel feels okay? I can understand why he doesn't want you to say that. It breaks your heart into a million pieces you just don't know how to piece it back together anymore. I love you as a friend and seeing you struggle through so many suicidal thoughts just make me wish I was a magician just so that I can magic your troubles away.
Remember your question yesterday?
"If I told you I would be happier if I died, would you be happy for me?"
Honestly girl, what did you expect me to say? That I'll be happy if you died. NEVER. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE HAPPY IF I EVER LOSE A CLOSE FRIEND TO ME HUH. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE AT ALL.
Yet, you said it will make you happy.
And I find myself at a loss. Would I support your decision then? You leave me in a whirlwind of thoughts. Am I supposed to support you in a decision that will make you happy even if it means your death? I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. Sometimes, I get afraid. I'm scared I'll wake up one day to find you dead cause you finally got the guts to end it all. It terrifies me so much every time you said you wanna die you know? It really does.
I close my eyes and pretend that your words aren't affecting me but they are. I don't want you to know though. If you knew, you will stop sharing your thoughts with me cause you knew that will make me upset but I don't want that to happen cause I want to be with you every single step in the journey of life. I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything. I don't want you to shut yourself away from me. THAT'S THE WORSE THING YOU CAN EVER EVER EVER DO TO ME SO DON'T EVER DO THAT OKAY? EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU REALLY WANNA DIE, TELL ME. I don't care. I want to know everything. I don't want to give up on you, even if you're giving up on yourself.
I may not have said this enough but trust me, Nelli, I love you as a friend. You're the first friend I watched the sunrise with. That means a lot you know that? You taught me to follow my dreams, you taught me patience, tolerance and gave me the ability to see the world in a different perspective, a magical perspective. IF you ever die, I'll haunt you okay?
So don't ever think about doing it. Don't.
I've decided on my answer to your question. It's gonna be really selfish of me, but you know what, I'm gonna stubbornly insist on you living on planet Earth. You can escape out into the galaxies but NEVER EVER give up on life okay? A life without you is terrible. Unimaginable. You'll really make me cry if you ever die. I'll cry so badly I'll gouge my eyeballs out. Disgusting? THEN DON'T DIE!!
Don't.
Can I ask you to promise me that?
Even if promises can be broken, I trust that ours wouldn't. So please, don't do it. Ask NIKE to shut the fuck up. (In case ya didn't know, Nike's slogan is Just Do It!)
And now after Nelli, there's Carity, Stacy, my Cassie friends Suuswen and my dearest friend Shimin. Omg Shimin. HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALREADY. It's so exaggeratingly long I can't even.
It's so dumb cause I can't believe it. We've grown a lot huh? From bashing spider webs with rocks to who we are today. We've matured. We've laughed. We've teared and through it all, we've been together. :') And now you're following your dreams aren't you? You're gonna go for overseas internship while I'll be stuck in Singapore with my sorry ass. You'll have a wonderful life out there, I just know it! :D Have a happy life ahead. Really. I can't help but think that our journey together is coming to an end. Okay. I don't mean that we're not friends anymore. I mean more like we wouldn't see each other often anymore. You and Si En give me that feeling. Don't ask me why. LOL. But regardless, I am REALLY happy for you both and if you both get to intern in Japan (for Sien) or England (for Shimin) I will personally send you off at the airport if possible okay? Besides Celeste, you two have been the only friends who are able to control me with your words actions and everything else. Though I'll miss you I know you'll have greater fun out there! HAVE FUN WITH INTERNSHIP AND DON'T FORGET TO BUY ME SOUVENIRS THANKS.
Omg. Maybe Yilian's right. I do tend to overthink. I'm getting more emotional as I type this post right now. Fuck. If I continue I'll definitely start tearing for real. FUCK YOU AMELIA WHY YOU SO USELESS WHEN IT COMES TO THINGS LIKE THIS.
WHY??
T__________________________________________________________________T
Why does the future ahead fill me with such sadness? Why do I feel like we're all gonna be separated? WHY CAN'T I GET THIS FEELINGS OFF MY CHEST. Nothing bad is gonna happen. We'll remain as friends for life right?
Right?????
Fuck.
I'm gonna go to a corner and cry now.
Bye guys.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
exams are over
I'm odd. While I was struggling with studying, I hated exams. Now that it's all over, I feel kinda empty. Something's really wrong here haha. :/ Spent my time reading Phoenix/Edgeworth fanfic and omg, the pairing is still as cute as it was back then. I LOVE THEM SO FREAKING MUCH MAN! Just get together please? :DD :DD :DD :DD :DD :DD :DD
In case you guys didn't know, (which most likely you won't unless you're a fellow fan), Phoenix and Edgeworth are characters from Ace Attorney which is the game I'm crazy about. I think it's the only game from CAPCOM that I'm really impressed with. I mean I love other games too but this is just excellent!
I'll buy a 3DS just to play it but the impracticality of it is stopping me haha. I really love the storyline though. IT'S SO AWESOME I WATCHED THE ENTIRE GAMEPLAY TWICE. I mean every game okay? That means that I watched:
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Phoenix Wright: Justice for All
Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations (my favourite one so far!)
Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
Yes. FOUR GAMES IN TOTAL. I am that crazy hahaha. And right now, I'm debating with myself if I should watch the fifth installment. I mean, what if it isn't as good as I thought it would be? I waited 2 years for its release okay? If it isn't gonna be as good as I think I'll start bawling or gouging my eyes out. I'll be sooo disappointed. :( Don't do this to me please, Phoenix. :( My heart can't take all of this. :((
(I should be doing my project work, not debating if I should watch Phoenix Wright, ass. -3-)
Anyway, the holidays are finally here! :) I can't wait to meet up with all the friends I've promised I'll meet with. :) I need to start preparing presents though. I have two friends who are February babies, namely Celeste and Elsie haha. Celeste's birthday is already over though. :/ Damn. HAHAHA. I'm really worried over what to get her. :( She likes DIY stuff but the DIY stuff I make looks like it belongs to the garbage. -.- On a side note, I apologise to everyone who have received my DIY gifts. I was too broke back then. I'm sorry. :( *bows*
Oh wells. I have the WHOLE holidays to think about what to get her! Heehee. I've gotta admit. I'm still worried about losing my friends though, especially friends whom I know relations with are strained but I've got to say this: I'm getting kinda used to the 'drifting away' thing. It's a norm already.
#shouldstopmakingfriendsandsavemyselfthetroubleofheartbreak
Yes. That summarizes it all. Alright. I've got to do my project and feed my hamster. GOOD BYE~
"快乐 什么时候会结束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你紧紧抱着
可知你是我生命中的 最舍不得..."
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Happy Birthday Changmin
Created weibo again because my previous one was banned (because I cheated for my weibo assignment in Suzhou but that's not the main point). Hahaha. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with weibo too. I guess I just really like to use any websites that gives me a writing platform for me to vent my frustrations on? Yes, I know. I'm weird.
Anyway, I'm here to wish Changmin a happy birthday lol! SHIM CHANGMIN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ^^
Stay happy and handsome everyday okay? I LOVE YOU!! ^^
*kisses*
Alrights. Gotta return back to studying once more. LAST PAPER TOMORROW! LEGGOOOOOOO~
Anyway, I'm here to wish Changmin a happy birthday lol! SHIM CHANGMIN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ^^
Stay happy and handsome everyday okay? I LOVE YOU!! ^^
*kisses*
Alrights. Gotta return back to studying once more. LAST PAPER TOMORROW! LEGGOOOOOOO~
Sunday, February 16, 2014
emo
闭上了双眼； 一片乌黑 鸦雀无声。 一滴眼泪； 悄悄地滑下 落入枯萎的玫瑰。 宁静中的悲哀；绝望中的哭喊。 那心碎的声音显得特别响亮。
Close your eyes tight;
darkness greets you
along with the silence.
A single tear drop;
falls without a sound
lands on the withered rose.
Silence encompassing sadness; crying admist the despair.
The sound of heart breaking never seemed louder.
Candle - A Short Film
Hey guys, I'm here.
Usually, I won't cry watching a video like this but this particular video was special. It struck a chord within my heart. It reminded me so much of the days I had to literally see my grandmother dying every single day. It reminded me of the pain and anguish and how much it was killing all of us inside.
So now, thanks to the video, I'm being emotional and I can't focus on studying now. Thank you video! See what you've done to me now! What am I supposed to do now? Cry as I stare at my notes? As though that is gonna help me in my exams... As though it'll work...
Shit man. Now, I'm really getting sad. Fuck the video man. What's with it bringing up all the bad memories and sadness? GO AWAY! SHOO SHOO SHOO~~
(-----------------------------------------------------------------)
Okay. I'm really crazy. A change of topic is in order. Today was actually a really eventful day for me. First, I got bitten by a Jack Russell Terrier. (I officially dislike the breed now.) Then, Huini, Grace and I apparently got featured on The Straits Times without knowing because the photographer took photos of us without our notice. -.- It's not that big of a deal really but seeing your face plastered there is kinda scary. Thankfully, I'm camouflaged by my hair so you can't really recognize me there hahaha. But just in case you're curious, link's here. Check out my ugly face okay? XD
So yeps, that's it. I'm not gonna blog anymore. My mood has gone from 'happy/contented' to 'sad/emo/regret/crying/whydidIwatchthedarnvideo'.
K bye.
I'm supposed to be studying and all but really, screw it haha. My mood was totally gone after I watched the latest video from 98.7FM. Go watch it if you want. I cried watching it HAHAHA. (It's the video below)
Usually, I won't cry watching a video like this but this particular video was special. It struck a chord within my heart. It reminded me so much of the days I had to literally see my grandmother dying every single day. It reminded me of the pain and anguish and how much it was killing all of us inside.
So now, thanks to the video, I'm being emotional and I can't focus on studying now. Thank you video! See what you've done to me now! What am I supposed to do now? Cry as I stare at my notes? As though that is gonna help me in my exams... As though it'll work...
Shit man. Now, I'm really getting sad. Fuck the video man. What's with it bringing up all the bad memories and sadness? GO AWAY! SHOO SHOO SHOO~~
(-----------------------------------------------------------------)
Okay. I'm really crazy. A change of topic is in order. Today was actually a really eventful day for me. First, I got bitten by a Jack Russell Terrier. (I officially dislike the breed now.) Then, Huini, Grace and I apparently got featured on The Straits Times without knowing because the photographer took photos of us without our notice. -.- It's not that big of a deal really but seeing your face plastered there is kinda scary. Thankfully, I'm camouflaged by my hair so you can't really recognize me there hahaha. But just in case you're curious, link's here. Check out my ugly face okay? XD
So yeps, that's it. I'm not gonna blog anymore. My mood has gone from 'happy/contented' to 'sad/emo/regret/crying/whydidIwatchthedarnvideo'.
K bye.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Happy Valentine's Day
I'll admit. I was a bit emotional in the previous blogpost. HAHA. Don't know what's wrong with me. :( I'll just attribute it to stress heehee. :D Exams are pretty stressful okay? :DD
Anyway, while I was walking home from school today, I was just letting my thoughts roam free and suddenly, I just came to reach this breaking point in my mind that I just don't feel like caring anymore. I don't wanna keep worrying about the darn future. I don't wanna think beyond the point of the 'present'. I have what I have now and I'm really thankful for that. I mean, really, I have a close knitted circle of friends. Even though my poly life has been filled with ups and downs, I have a group of friends now that I can actually call a clique!
Reintroducing my poly clique just in case you've forgotten...
1. Grace
2. Bryan (super bullshit nonsense etc but is a really nice friend hahaha)
3. Justin (Bryan's boyfriend. :XI'm just shipping them together. They are not real but who gives a fuck?)
4. Huini
Yeps. I feel really thankful for having them in my life. I have never envisioned a life with them as a clique to be honest. HAHAHA. I was kinda expecting C.A.N. clique to remain forever. Even when relations between me and Nelli were strained, I've never thought things will turn out to be the way they do now. That doesn't mean it's bad though. Change isn't negative. The thoughts and feelings associated with it usually are the ones that are but you know something, in this case, I'm thankful for this change.
I can scarcely remember the days when I used to be alone now. Those days when I felt like going to school was such a chore (I still feel the same btw), those days when I felt totally helpless and insignificant, those days when I just wanted to leave school and never turn back...
I was walking to those places just a few days back, reminiscing about the past as I took my time to re-experience those feelings that are now gone, those feelings of desperation, pain, anger, grief, loss etc. Abruptly, I came to the conclusion that the sad miserable me was gone, and as much as I hated my class back then, I've come to terms with it now. Everyone isn't perfect, including me. I failed to comprehend that in the past. I was selfish, only thinking about my feelings, never thinking about how it will affect others around me as well.
Come to think about it, I've really grown since those days in secondary school. Though I'm still insensitive to people's feelings at times, I've learned to be more tolerant and more patient in general. There's no point in insisting you're right when you're just making things worse for everyone. So what if you're really right? So what if you're wrong? Is a friendship worth losing because of some petty mistakes? No it's not. I don't want to regret anything in the future so I'm still working hard on cherishing the present here.
In the past I used to think I'm really insignificant to others. Well, fine, I still do think that sometimes especially when friendships these days are easily replaced but I've gotten better really. At least I don't jump to my own conclusions this time around. (not like those days in secondary school *coughs* Dig fight *coughs*)
I've grown and this time, I'm determined not to let anyone go. I've made a list in my head already. For this upcoming holidays, here are the few people I MUST meet up with:
1. Celeste (China Studies)
2. Jasmine (met during band auditions)
3. Cherine (primary school friend)
4. Vivian (church friend)
5. my secondary school friends (Sien, Nena, Shimin, Tingwei, Yilian, Michelle etc)
6. my primary school friends (Elsie and Winnie)
7. my cassie friends (Suuswen, Cassandra etc.)
8. if possible, lunch with Carity or Tongtong. XD
Yeps. That's essentially my plans for the holidays! :D Poly clique's not included because I don't have a CHOICE in meeting with them due to projects and stuff. I would meet voluntarily with the girls of my clique though, not so much for the boys HAHAHA. (no more pun-filled Justin and bullshit brimmed Bryan please. Leave my holidays alone~)
And that's it for today. Happy Valentine's Day people, or in our case, HAPPY SINGLE-AWARENESS/SELF-LOVING/BEING-ALONE day. ^^
Love you guys.
Anyway, while I was walking home from school today, I was just letting my thoughts roam free and suddenly, I just came to reach this breaking point in my mind that I just don't feel like caring anymore. I don't wanna keep worrying about the darn future. I don't wanna think beyond the point of the 'present'. I have what I have now and I'm really thankful for that. I mean, really, I have a close knitted circle of friends. Even though my poly life has been filled with ups and downs, I have a group of friends now that I can actually call a clique!
Reintroducing my poly clique just in case you've forgotten...
1. Grace
2. Bryan (super bullshit nonsense etc but is a really nice friend hahaha)
3. Justin (Bryan's boyfriend. :X
4. Huini
Yeps. I feel really thankful for having them in my life. I have never envisioned a life with them as a clique to be honest. HAHAHA. I was kinda expecting C.A.N. clique to remain forever. Even when relations between me and Nelli were strained, I've never thought things will turn out to be the way they do now. That doesn't mean it's bad though. Change isn't negative. The thoughts and feelings associated with it usually are the ones that are but you know something, in this case, I'm thankful for this change.
I can scarcely remember the days when I used to be alone now. Those days when I felt like going to school was such a chore (I still feel the same btw), those days when I felt totally helpless and insignificant, those days when I just wanted to leave school and never turn back...
I was walking to those places just a few days back, reminiscing about the past as I took my time to re-experience those feelings that are now gone, those feelings of desperation, pain, anger, grief, loss etc. Abruptly, I came to the conclusion that the sad miserable me was gone, and as much as I hated my class back then, I've come to terms with it now. Everyone isn't perfect, including me. I failed to comprehend that in the past. I was selfish, only thinking about my feelings, never thinking about how it will affect others around me as well.
Come to think about it, I've really grown since those days in secondary school. Though I'm still insensitive to people's feelings at times, I've learned to be more tolerant and more patient in general. There's no point in insisting you're right when you're just making things worse for everyone. So what if you're really right? So what if you're wrong? Is a friendship worth losing because of some petty mistakes? No it's not. I don't want to regret anything in the future so I'm still working hard on cherishing the present here.
In the past I used to think I'm really insignificant to others. Well, fine, I still do think that sometimes especially when friendships these days are easily replaced but I've gotten better really. At least I don't jump to my own conclusions this time around. (not like those days in secondary school *coughs* Dig fight *coughs*)
I've grown and this time, I'm determined not to let anyone go. I've made a list in my head already. For this upcoming holidays, here are the few people I MUST meet up with:
1. Celeste (China Studies)
2. Jasmine (met during band auditions)
3. Cherine (primary school friend)
4. Vivian (church friend)
5. my secondary school friends (Sien, Nena, Shimin, Tingwei, Yilian, Michelle etc)
6. my primary school friends (Elsie and Winnie)
7. my cassie friends (Suuswen, Cassandra etc.)
8. if possible, lunch with Carity or Tongtong. XD
Yeps. That's essentially my plans for the holidays! :D Poly clique's not included because I don't have a CHOICE in meeting with them due to projects and stuff. I would meet voluntarily with the girls of my clique though, not so much for the boys HAHAHA. (no more pun-filled Justin and bullshit brimmed Bryan please. Leave my holidays alone~)
And that's it for today. Happy Valentine's Day people, or in our case, HAPPY SINGLE-AWARENESS/SELF-LOVING/BEING-ALONE day. ^^
Love you guys.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Don't be hating on yourself
Nelli's blog is emo crap. My blog's emo crap too. Girl still got the guts to say 90% of my blogposts are just me overthinking. Hey girl, guess what? 90% of yours are too! :o We're even now HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*sobs in despair*
Tomorrow there's CD2. The thought of it makes me really just wanna rip all of it into pieces. The exam papers, the notes... EVERYTHING. Fucking everything. I know how people/my friends/strangers think I'm smart enough to pass everything but damn it, I'm just depending on luck here, kay? My luck will run out eventually, then what? Sob, cry and die?
I didn't comfort you, Nelli, not because I do not care but because honestly, I don't know how to when I'm feeling everything you're feeling right now. I know. My results aren't that bad so technically, I can't complain about anything at all but you know what, grades don't matter anymore. It doesn't when you realise how bloody sucky you're in practical. Grades aren't gonna get you a job. Practical skills are! And no matter what you have experienced in Serangoon, I know that that's not a true testament of your practical skills. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Come on man~ You've been doing so well in St John Island. Don't even deny that. (I, in comparison, am much worse but that's beside the point.)
So girl, stop worrying. Stop hating yourself. Stop thinking all the bad negative thoughts. Stop letting those consume you. It's not worth it. It's not good. It's not healthy. IT'S JUST NOT GOOD SO STOP ALL YOUR NEUROLOGICAL ACTIVITY AT ONCE OKAY? $%^&*UIHBHVCDE%$^&*(&^&%$%ERDTFGHJJIO(&^RTFGHJK
#bestcounselorever
Sorry that I can't do better than this. Brain dead now. :(
Hope you feel better though.
:(
*sobs in despair*
Tomorrow there's CD2. The thought of it makes me really just wanna rip all of it into pieces. The exam papers, the notes... EVERYTHING. Fucking everything. I know how people/my friends/strangers think I'm smart enough to pass everything but damn it, I'm just depending on luck here, kay? My luck will run out eventually, then what? Sob, cry and die?
I didn't comfort you, Nelli, not because I do not care but because honestly, I don't know how to when I'm feeling everything you're feeling right now. I know. My results aren't that bad so technically, I can't complain about anything at all but you know what, grades don't matter anymore. It doesn't when you realise how bloody sucky you're in practical. Grades aren't gonna get you a job. Practical skills are! And no matter what you have experienced in Serangoon, I know that that's not a true testament of your practical skills. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Come on man~ You've been doing so well in St John Island. Don't even deny that. (I, in comparison, am much worse but that's beside the point.)
So girl, stop worrying. Stop hating yourself. Stop thinking all the bad negative thoughts. Stop letting those consume you. It's not worth it. It's not good. It's not healthy. IT'S JUST NOT GOOD SO STOP ALL YOUR NEUROLOGICAL ACTIVITY AT ONCE OKAY? $%^&*UIHBHVCDE%$^&*(&^&%$%ERDTFGHJJIO(&^RTFGHJK
#bestcounselorever
Sorry that I can't do better than this. Brain dead now. :(
Hope you feel better though.
:(
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
sadddd
I'm feeling emotional now guys. Hearing TANK's songs is making me really sad for some reason. :( Or rather, I've been in a rather melancholic mood these days. After hearing Sien talk about her internship in Japan (I hope she gets in), I suddenly realised that we're all gonna be going on our separate paths from now on. The thought has crossed my mind yes, but I never thought it'll be so fast.
I still remember discussing the future with Shimin, the long chit chats on the bus ride service 261 we always seemed to have... Now, it's all gonna come true. The future had always seemed so far to me but now, it's sticking right in my face. It's here, right now! Somehow, I feel like crying when I think of that. I'm not prepared. I'm not prepared at all. I feel like screaming. I wanna tear my hair out. I wanna just stop time for Heaven's sake. STOP THE TICKING!
Alright. I'll admit. The future scares me the most not because of the insecurity of getting a job but rather the fear of losing whatever I have now. I am afraid of losing my friends. Yes. My friends do mean a lot to me. I wish they didn't sometimes. Maybe I won't feel this gaping hole when we all become strangers then...
Don't say it won't happen. Don't say we'll remain friends forever. I've come to realise that that isn't true. We'll all move on as life goes on. We might still keep in contact, yes, but will we still be friends? Will we still be as close as we are with each other now? Will we share our troubles with one another? Will we make the time and effort to visit each other's houses? When work gets in the way, will we even have time to contact one another? Will we even know one another by then?
I'm afraid. I thought that friendship will last forever but no, I'm being proven time and time again that it won't. That's why I'm scared. I don't wanna make any promises. It's too scary. To think that the people I have here with me right now will leave me eventually... It just makes me wanna hide under my blanket and sob the living daylights out of myself. I don't want things to disappear. I like how they are now. I don't want any friend to distance away from me. The thought of it is just too painful.
And trust me, I know how it feels. I'm feeling it right now as a matter of fact. I'm feeling the endless gap between us...
I hate it. Times like this I really ask myself, "Why make friends? Why give a piece of your heart to someone else? You'll get hurt in the end when they leave. You'll lose a part of yourself when they're gone. So why do it? Why make yourself suffer endless pain?"
Indeed, why? Why did I stubbornly insist that we'll be friends forever despite the changes in time? Why did I hang onto every single friendship I have now and just not them go?Why did I tell myself that all this would be worth it in the end? Why did I let myself believe that this would be the best decision I'll ever make?
In the end, I'm left standing here, staring at the shadows of the past as the flashbacks overwhelm me, leaving me straggling for breath.
Alone;
is better than being together.
Together;
is to get her.
"But what happens after you get her?"
the unfinished story...
I still remember discussing the future with Shimin, the long chit chats on the bus ride service 261 we always seemed to have... Now, it's all gonna come true. The future had always seemed so far to me but now, it's sticking right in my face. It's here, right now! Somehow, I feel like crying when I think of that. I'm not prepared. I'm not prepared at all. I feel like screaming. I wanna tear my hair out. I wanna just stop time for Heaven's sake. STOP THE TICKING!
Alright. I'll admit. The future scares me the most not because of the insecurity of getting a job but rather the fear of losing whatever I have now. I am afraid of losing my friends. Yes. My friends do mean a lot to me. I wish they didn't sometimes. Maybe I won't feel this gaping hole when we all become strangers then...
Don't say it won't happen. Don't say we'll remain friends forever. I've come to realise that that isn't true. We'll all move on as life goes on. We might still keep in contact, yes, but will we still be friends? Will we still be as close as we are with each other now? Will we share our troubles with one another? Will we make the time and effort to visit each other's houses? When work gets in the way, will we even have time to contact one another? Will we even know one another by then?
I'm afraid. I thought that friendship will last forever but no, I'm being proven time and time again that it won't. That's why I'm scared. I don't wanna make any promises. It's too scary. To think that the people I have here with me right now will leave me eventually... It just makes me wanna hide under my blanket and sob the living daylights out of myself. I don't want things to disappear. I like how they are now. I don't want any friend to distance away from me. The thought of it is just too painful.
And trust me, I know how it feels. I'm feeling it right now as a matter of fact. I'm feeling the endless gap between us...
I hate it. Times like this I really ask myself, "Why make friends? Why give a piece of your heart to someone else? You'll get hurt in the end when they leave. You'll lose a part of yourself when they're gone. So why do it? Why make yourself suffer endless pain?"
Indeed, why? Why did I stubbornly insist that we'll be friends forever despite the changes in time? Why did I hang onto every single friendship I have now and just not them go?Why did I tell myself that all this would be worth it in the end? Why did I let myself believe that this would be the best decision I'll ever make?
In the end, I'm left standing here, staring at the shadows of the past as the flashbacks overwhelm me, leaving me straggling for breath.
Alone;
is better than being together.
Together;
is to get her.
"But what happens after you get her?"
the unfinished story...
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Bye bye rotation
 |
| IT IS FINISHED! |
I'm supposed to be studying but I'm not. It's okay though. I figured I owed this dead blog a new post. So, here am I! :) Blogging as usual when I'm not supposed to...
My main topic here is just gonna be me finally saying goodbye to clinic rotation hahaha. Although somehow the thought of it actually makes me feel sad. Okay. I'm weird. I was complaining so much about it when I had it and now that it's gone, I actually miss it. Fuck me in the eye.
Clinic rotation has been a real enlightening experience though. I've learned so much from that clinic. The people there are really nice as well. From the first day I was there when I had no idea how to hold a scalpel blade (cause I suck that badly) to the last day that I clipped stray cats' ears after spaying/neutering, it can obviously be inferred that clinic rotation has been a much better education facility than school can ever be.
There are times I despair during rotation, times when I really wanted to just storm out of the clinic and never see it again, still, I can't deny. It has been a good learning experience. (Not counted for those in Serangoon branch cause most of the 'people' there ain't considered as humans) I'm sort of thankful for this experience even though I performed really badly for the assessment HAHAHA.
You know what's more surprising? The fact that I don't even care that I've screwed up the assessment so badly. Indeed, like what Bryan said, the clinic's not gonna care if you do well for that 5% or not. If you're good, even if you fail that 5%, you'll still be considered as an efficient worker by them. I kinda agree with him on that. What's the point of scoring well for that 5% when you can't even do better in reality? Theory is kinda limiting in this way.
Sighs. I don't know where the future will lead me. It's hard to believe I'll be 20 next year. I'm still as lost as ever. :/ I'm still blur to everything and oblivious as hell. :( WHAT AM I GOING TO DO OH DEAR LORD! :(
#futureisasblurasmycurrentself
Awesome hash tag hahaha. It kind of makes me real nostalgic though. This year is the 10th year that I've known Shimin, Elsie, Vivian, Winnie etc. It's been 6 years since I've met Sien, Tingwei, Yilian, Michelle etc.
OMG. WE ARE SO FUCKING OLD OH MY GOD. :( OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD.
Mid life crisis guys HAHAHAHA. XD
I really do hope that I'll get to go for overseas internship though. I wanna leave Singapore behind me for good. If not for my family's desire to stay in this country I wouldn't return if I could. (Fact is, I still have to return)
In any case, I've gotta go guys. I can't keep procrastinating on my work hahaha. Bye and don't miss me too much! ;)
Monday, February 3, 2014
When you believe...
I'm not supposed to be blogging right now. There's a practical test tomorrow which I haven't studied for. There's a reflection entry and an assignment waiting to be done. Yet, here I am, typing away in front of the laptop, feeling emotions I haven't felt since 2 years ago...
I can't believe it's 2014 now. I can't believe it's been 2 years since I've left band. 2 years since my grandmother passed away. Time sure flies huh? In a blink of a eye, everything seems to speed by. Have I learned anything throughout these years? Have I truly found the meaning to life? In the end, even I can't answer that question. 2 years ago, I was lost. 2 years later, I'm still lost. Time may have past but I haven't. I'm still stuck in the same spot. I'm still hiding away from my fears.
Like any other ordinary school day, I came home exhausted, grumpy and irritated as I stared at the pile of homework that awaited me. A few days ago I just went berserk and (almost) ripped my pillows apart just because I was SO angry that there were so many things to do even though it was freaking Chinese New Year. Back then, there were only 2 assignments or 3 max. Now, there's double the number to complete. Everyday, there's always a test or an assignment to hand up. Even when I tell myself that it'll be over soon, I'm not convinced and slowly bit by bit, the pressure built up and I exploded.
It's not a pretty sight but at least I regained part of my sanity back. Or rather the parts of my sanity that could be saved. Practical test was horrible today. I didn't know how to do the questions on the paper. My mind went blank as I stared at the questions. My practicals are lousy, I'll admit, but it hasn't been to this extent before. Needless to say, I panicked and my answers went from horrible to outright outrageous.
It sucks. It sucks sometimes to live with the knowledge that among your whole clique you're the one who is most likely gonna be unemployed because you can't do your practical well. I get annoyed with myself most of the time. Why am I so blur and clumsy, I'll ask myself, but even then, I can't come up with an answer to that.
I'm grumpier than usual too and I'm prone to sudden anger outbursts. I think I'm just going insane and everyone else in my class is too. The schedules this semester are just cray cray. Even after postponing the term tests, it's still crazy. I don't know how am I gonna study for all my exams in just two days. I'll need a miracle to memorise all that content.
And that's when it hit me...
A MIRACLE.
I need that desperately now. Somehow, that reminds me of my band days in the past as we always said back then that we needed a miracle to get the 'Silver' medal for SYF. Then, out of sudden, I thought randomly to myself, why don't I revisit the songs I used to listen in the past? Perhaps that will give me inspiration and motivation to start on that endless pile of homework?
I started with the first song, When you believe and I've been stuck ever since. The lyrics to this duet by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey as usual are simple yet powerful and has a great impact on me. I feel rejuvenated immediately. Past memories come back to me even as I'm typing this blog entry. I thought back to the past me and suddenly I realized, the struggles now are nothing compared to the past challenges I faced. Why then am I facing so much trouble coping with this insane tight schedule? I've been complaining so much I've failed to see the simplicity of it all. In the end, at the end of the day, I'm left with a single question: Have I truly learned anything through the ordeals I've faced?
I've lost the positive outlook I had on life. I've lost the perseverance and strength I had back then. All the good qualities in the past were gone while all the bad qualities I had were enhanced now. Time flew by but nothing changed. I'm still the same me I was 2 years ago, just a more horrid version now.
Now, I'm self-disgusted lol. Damn. I shouldn't let my thoughts run wild. HAHAHA. The whole main point of this blog entry was to tell everyone how excellent "When you believe" the song is but I've strayed horribly from the main point. *face palm* Forgive me, I was am still distracted.
Anyway, back to my main point, here's a part of the lyrics of When You Believe:
They don't always happen when you ask, and it's easy to give in to your fears.
But when you're blinded by your pain (and) can't see the way, (just) get through the rain.
A small but still resilient voice says love is very near.
There can be miracles when you believe.
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.
Who knows what miracles you can achieve?
When you believe, somehow you will.
You will when you believe.
#bestinspirationalsong
-ends entry on an abrupt note-
-ends entry on an abrupt note-
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