Emo emo emo

So, hi guys. Long time no see hahaha. Well, the hols have been good so far. I've truly enjoyed myself. I feel a sense of unease though. I have a feeling things will get worse when rotations begin. I just got a bad vibe man. Sighs.

I was out with Tingwei today and she was saying that this felt like the last holidays we had to spend time together. She was feeling sad about that. I wouldn't blame her though. It's not that I don't think the same way that she does. I just kinda resigned myself to that fact you know? Kinda just accepted it or rather lied to myself that I've accepted it.

We're all walking different paths from now on. Will our friendships really pass the test of time? Sometimes, even I wonder. I used to place much faith in these bonds but now, it's like I lost hope entirely. I can't bring myself to believe again.

Distance... it's normal isn't it? One day, we'll surely all drift apart so for now, let's just treasure whatever we have. Be it best friends or acquaintances, there comes a time when these bonds just break and they either become stronger or become brittle and weak. If they fall apart at the slightest obstacle, then they aren't strong to begin with right?

Recently, I've began watching anime again. I feel like I'm reverting back to my old self. For better or for good, I don't know. KPOP no longer interests me. Don't get me wrong. I still love DBSK. I just don't get that insane urge to meet them or hear their songs. I've changed. I don't like it too but that doesn't change anything. It rarely does.

People always say: It is up to ourselves to change our destiny. But, is that saying really true? Can we really change our destiny? Is our Fate really held within our hands?

I'm skeptical about life. Hell, I'm skeptical about everything. I feel like there just isn't anything that I truly believe in, except for my religion. It's just weird. Can we really change the future with our decisions?

What if I was destined to be a cleaner? If that was the case then no matter how many times I try to avoid anything related to cleaning, I'll still be a cleaner in the end right? Cause such is the cruelty of life.

I no longer believe in following my dreams. Fuck that shit. Dreams won't grant me happiness. They will just bring me heartbreak and sadness cause dreams never do come true do they?

I don't even know what my dream is. I don't even know where does my passion lies. If life is a journey to seek those two out then fuck it, I won't bother. Life isn't a game where I get infinite lives, infinite save point or infinite restarts. Life is life. You only get one try. After all, that's where you get the acronym "You Only Live Once" (YOLO) from right? Cause that's the truth. You only live once. No restarts. No returning to checkpoints. It's just a straight journey ahead. No turning back at all.

To be honest, I don't know why I'm even this upset. I just feel like I'm escaping you know? Escaping from reality... Escaping from my emotions...I'm just escaping. Because I'm afraid, I avoid. Because I'm fearful, I ignore. Because I'm helpless, I despise.

I hate this aspect of me the most.

Always running away from life, never having the courage to face my fears... Why am I always like this? Why can't I face things head on? Avoidance leads to self delusional thinking Amelia, haven't you learned anything?

Sighs. I'm gonna end this blog entry here. Sorry for the emoness. Just ignore and a few posts later, it'll be a happy post for sure.

I believe.

Aktf. ♥

plans plans~

Feeling motivated to get shit done so I'm just gonna do a quick blog post about this and hop right into it straight away~ It's the holidays now and I've just wasted one week away by doing absolutely nothing. Now, the remaining week is just gonna be me mugging really hard cause I've gotta pass the stupid training modules for NUS, try not to fail BTT again in Aug, get my bpharm presentation done by next week and basically just get my life together.

I'm really scared of clinic rotation and NUS rotation. I don't think I will perform well cause I'm really careless clumsy and I can't even do restraint sometimes. :( It makes me really upset with myself. Sometimes I wonder, I've been to this course for so long, what exactly have I learned?

Still, I don't regret coming to this course. I've really learned a lot from it. I'm talking about life values here. Yes, my knowledge of biology has certainly widened but more importantly, my moral values have expanded as well.

Before poly, I was definitely a talker but now, I've learned to be a listener. Ironically, I find it easier to listen to people than to talk to people these days. Hmm... I've changed, haven't I? Though I've become more of an asshole, I've still become more mature and more caring towards people so that's good. I've never been these honest with myself. That's why, I'm actually kinda happy with where I am now. I really don't think I'll stay in the veterinary industry though. I really do love the animals here and stuff like that but haha, I don't think I'm capable of doing it.

Sighs. I do have something I'm interested in. I do have a goal in mind. I don't know if I can get it but I'm gonna try haha. Studying science has lead me to discover this: I'm really interested in plebotomy and immunology. Especially immunology. I mean, come on, it's one of the rare subjects I actually get an A in. Shows you how interested I am in that module you know what I mean? 

I really hope to be able to study immunology in the future. Either that or I'm aiming for overseas cause I wanna study animal psychology. Chances are I won't get into both though. Results are too poor for those shits. :( I'm upset with myself for not studying now. See? Look at what you've done now Amelia! Urgh. :(

Alright. I've gotta shut up now. Really got a lot of things to chiong. 

Things I have to do during hols:

1. Bpharm Powerpoint Presentation
2. NUS modules (by 17June)
3. Complete my fic on AFF

Yeps. That's the more urgent ones (though number three isn't really considered urgent). Ciaos guys. OFF TO FINALLY DO SOME WORK!

Triangle OST - Though I Hate It by Jaejoong

《即使我恨他》

我什么感觉也没了
我什么都不记得了
即使我不喜欢寂寞
即使我不喜欢孤独

过去比死亡还要困难吗？
是我不愿多想的事情吗？
即使是如此，因为现在的我还生存着
我想要知道原因

喂 天空 回答我吧！
残忍地抛下了我的你
害我舍弃最后一丝的尊严
就算我生气了，我也会忍着
我还在等待

添满着无理的空虚
我在这毫无意义的悲哀中喝着
我从何时变成了这样
独自喝醉后的我唱着那首一直唱着的歌
边哭泣边大笑

就算你偶然碰见了我
就算你看到了改变后的我
因为我们相爱着。。。

记得我们曾经说过的承诺

就跟你看见哭泣的我一样

那真的很艰难，我想念你了

虽然自私的我沉默无语

rant: friendship

Today's blog entry is gonna be about friends. Just friends, plain old friends. I think I've touched on this topic a few times already. It's okay though. I'll just bring it up again.

LISTEN. Friends are not here for you to make use of one another. That's downright absurd and idiotic. I don't care if I have naive ideals about friendship. I don't care if these naive thoughts will lead to my demise. I stand on my ground. FIRMLY. Friends are meant to be treasured. IF they make use of you, well, FUCK THEM. They ain't your friends.

Friends, of course, will offend each other, much rather like how Cassandra offended me recently by calling me 'heartless'. It's okay though. True friends move on from that. They forgive each other. They may not forget, of course, but forgiving is a step by itself yeah? To be honest, I've long forgiven Cassandra for what she said. Some parts are true anyway. I am heartless to a certain extent. I mean, really, I kill ants without battling a single eyelid. That's just the way I am or rather, that's the way I was programmed right?

Alright. Enough about that. Point is this: Friends stick with you no matter what happens. If they don't, they're not your friends. Friends also care about you. They will go the extra mile for you. Look, take this blog for example. Friends close to me will bother to read this piece of crap. Sien read this crap in Japan and realised the whole Justin rejection thing. Although I was bothered by it when she asked, I still spoke with her and yes, I was upset by the whole ordeal but ultimately I'm glad she bothered to care. Honestly, I didn't expect her too. :( So I'm quite happy la HAHA.

Tingwei too. Especially Tingwei. I rant about everything to her. When I'm upset, the first person I'll think of talking to is her. She's one of the friends that I feel is always there. It's as though she's always online. I would even go as far to say that sometimes, I feel like we're each other's sole company. Sometimes the world is just such a bitch you know? And times like those, I rely on her a lot. If Tingwei were ever to go overseas, I'll be damn upset. :( (Now I know why she'll miss me when I go overseas)

And of course there are the others, some I keep in contact for long periods of time. Some, I don't see them often. Still, some remain close to me while others don't. Haha. I'm not complaining though. I think I kinda got used to the feeling of rejection ya know? No. I'm not talking about guys only. I'm talking about friends.

It's so easy man. I'll introduce my friends to each other. They'll hit off. They become BFFs. Somehow, I got forgotten along the way. It's okay. I'm used to these kind of things. It's normal already right? Normal...

I won't lie to you. I'm still pretty mad at some people now. Well, Cassandra for starters. I'm mad not because she called me 'heartless' but rather the reasoning behind it. I never cry when the animals die so I'm heartless? Quote Huini, "She doesn't even understand what we're going through."

SHE DOESN'T.

Or rather she doesn't care. Cause if she did, she'll read this stupid blog. If she reads this stupid blog she'll see me talking about emotional switches and all that nonsense, but she doesn't huh? *laughs* So what's the point? What's the point? I created this blog as a bridge for me and my friends since we can't meet up often. I try to update about what's going on in my life. Things that make me happy, things that make me sad, but in the end, it's kinda useless huh?

I don't know anymore man. I really don't. Sometimes I get so freaking sick of my life. Sometimes I just wish I have those few people as my social circle. Those are enough. Those are enough...

ANYWAY TINGWEI, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU A LOT A LOT AND A LOTTTTTT RIGHT? XDDD

I really love her though~ ^^

Do connections last forever?

Today's entry is going to be an 'emo' one. I'll blame it on Bryan but I know even without talking to him I'll always be 'emo' at night haha. Here's what we were talking about in any case:

WELLS

Cheering up isnt really gonna help cheer the person up you know

cuz after all, the problem is still there

but sometimes people need to feel that someone out there cares about them

at least someone makes the effort to show care and concern.

HAHAHA

idk la its my opinion only

Cuz It'd feel really weird

not knowing what you're cheering that person up for

diff opinions la, let's settled on that okay?

idw to continue talking about this LOL.

YEA

HAHA WHY? U FEEL EMO WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THIS AH

HAHAHAAH

YES BRYAN CHUA I ACTUALLY DO FEEL KINDA EMO OKAY? I have emotions unlike you rubber man! (Okay, I'm aware he has emotions but let's ignore it for now) Urgh. I don't know what I'm sad about either. That's the thing. I'm sad about nothing at all.

Okay. I'm upset over several things. It's a lie to say I'm not upset with the rejection at all. I am human. I have emotions too. It's not going to be easy to just give up on your feelings like that. I wish I could but fact is, I can't. I pretend as though I've moved on, as though I don't care any more but the truth is, I do care, and that sucks. It sucks big time.

I'm kinda tired with certain friendships too. I've given up on most of them. I was hanging out with Tingwei today. I went to her school with her and studied while she had lessons. Being alone was awesome. I didn't really pay much heed to others. They were probably judging me for my queerness but guess what, I really don't give two fucks about them. Being alone is liberating. Being alone is freedom.

Freedom from what, you may ask. Well, it's freedom from a lot of things but namely bonds and relationships. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends and I really do love my family. It's just that I've hit this point in my life where I'm wondering, are these bonds and relationships gonna be worth it in the end?

I do agree with the saying 'No man is a lonely island.' We humans need one another to survive. That's why we have friends. That's why we are born into a family. Walking on the paths we want to live in, we form bonds and relationships along the way, and those bonds guide us and groom us into our individual characters and personalities.

I have no problem with accepting that. I just have a question I want to ask, "Are those bonds supposed to last forever? Or are they just there for some phases in our lives? Why do some bonds last but others don't? Why is it that sometimes, no matter how hard one tries, the relationship still breaks apart until nothing is left but haunting memories and pain?"

That's the doubt I'm having right now. If relationships are meant to last forever, then I can't give up on the ones that I'm holding onto right? These ties that connect us together, these bonds that make us human, I can't let go of them right? Cause letting go means forgetting, and forgetting means moving on or avoiding. Take your pick. Either way, it'll result in a loss and once something is lost, it's gone forever, you'll never get it back...

Why are we gifted with memories? Is it a gift or is it a curse? Are those images meant to haunt us forever, remind us of our past mistakes or serve as a logbook which records all the important interactions we've had with one another? Is it a blessing or is it a sin?

I don't know why I'm thinking of all this too. I just got started and my mind just churns on and on. Atika, a classmate of mine, and I used to dislike each other. Now, we're sharing heart to heart talks. It's awkward and it's weird. Is it pre-planned? Is this really Fate? Are we meant to be friends from the start? A few months ago, we were enemies and now we're friends.

Yet, the opposite holds true for me as well. I was friends with some people whose names I shan't mention. We used to be good friends, but now we're not. Everything changed and I don't even know why. It has become so awkward between us I can't even continue the conversation between us no matter how hard I try. Our friendship is shattering into pieces and I'm watching on numbly, unable to do a thing to help.

Bryan said something which kinda make sense, "Annoyance brings ease as happiness brings sadness. Pain brings numbness."

I interpret it as such, "To be at ease, one needs removal of all annoyances. Therefore, to be truly at ease, annoyances need to be brought forward and eliminated. Happiness, also, comes at a price. One does not know true happiness if one does not experience the bitter depths of sorrow. As for pain, well, a long term exposure to pain will numb anyone, either due to decreased sensitivity to events surrounding them or increased disappointment in the people one associates with." 

Haha. Sidetracking but Bryan can be real philosophical when he chooses to. He is a deep person. We just choose to ignore that aspect of him. Can't have his ego inflating any more you know what I mean? He's already too confident for his own good hahaha. Can't let him get away with it.

Anyway, enough about Mr Rubber Man. I'm here to discuss on the topic on relationships, bonds, connections or whatever you want to call them. 

Do these bonds really last forever or are these bonds predetermined by God? Hmm. I wonder about that. If that's the case, why do some people stop being friends all of sudden while others remain close despite long distances? Friendship is truly a remarkable yet odd connection isn't it? It can hold up to many adversities and obstacles but sometimes, all it takes is a word to tear down the strongest of foundations and cut the connection forever. 

Scary yet intriguing. 

Alright. I should stop ranting about this. It's 4.02am and I should be in bed. By the way, Yilian and Yoochun, happy birthday yesterday~ :DD

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU PARK YOOCHUN~ ^^