On one hand, I am happy that she chose to confide in me. For someone who doesn't trust easily, she has placed a lot of trust in me and I'm thankful for that. On the other hand, what am I even supposed to say? How can I even utter words of comfort when I know that what I say doesn't truly help the situation at all? I, Amelia, truly suck at this.
When Michelle first told me of her mother suffering from constant gastric pain and had to be operated, I stumbled by with a few words of comfort here and there. When Shimin first knew that her mum was sick, I only stood by as she cried and cried along with her. How is that in any way comforting? I really don't know what to say to make it better. How can it even be better?
During the period when Yilian's grandfather passed away, I again said nothing. I can't even remember what's going on during that period of time. I don't even think that I want to remember anything. When Carity tells me about her family matters, I too can't say a thing. This sort of helpless feeling.. It just makes one feel pretty useless huh?
Like what's the point of sharing your problems if the other person can't even offer you concrete advice? Things just feel pretty depressing huh? I don't know if telling me helps in reducing the burden on your shoulders but if it does, then at least telling me has its uses, at least I'm not totally useless like how I feel most of the time when friends approach me with their problems.
I don't know. I expect friends to tell me when they are facing problems with their lives but yet when they tell me, I can't say a thing and just remain silent most of the time. Then what is the point of them telling me? What is the bloody point? I don't even get it myself anymore.
Sien said today that my life consists of only YunJae and DBSK. I won't even refute that claim. It's true. My life is really only restricted to fangirling, family and friends. Is it bad? Probably. I'm just not willing to try new things. I just don't have the spark of adventure and prefer to wallow in one corner in self-pity which is absolutely disgusting. I guess it's really gross huh?
Still, I find my life to be great. I have great friends and a great family, what else more do I need? With all the death happening around me recently, I'm so thankful that at least nothing has taken my family or friends away from me yet. That would be the worse. I can't think even for a second what will happen to me if any of my family members or friends passed away.
They really are the center of my life. If only an action that I do can make my friend smile, I will gladly do it. I don't like to take part in the fun. I just realised that today. I prefer watching from the sidelines and have my enjoyment by watching my friends play happily together. If I could get all my friends to be friends together in one big happy family, I would. It is but a futile wish, but one can keep dreaming right? One can keep dreaming..
I'm still pretty worried about some friends of mine though, especially those who like to keep their problems to themselves. Sometimes, I worry about Sien. I worry that all the worries, hurt and betrayals she keeps inside of her will burst out of her one day and it will be uncontrollable. I'm afraid she'll say things she will live to regret in anger. I'm worried she'll be far too broken to be saved by then. But who am I to do anything? I am just a mere friend. A friend whom if I were to tell the truth doesn't really understand her at all.
Other times I worry about Elsie. I worry that all the prejudices and hurt she suffered from her past friendships will blind her to the opportunities of having new ones. I worry that she will lose her trust in friendship totally and stop believing in friendship forever. I fear the fragile nature of her trust. I fear a lot of things for Elsie. I fear she'll get taken advantage of. I fear that she'll be bullied. I fear that she'll suffer injustice and wrongdoings and have no one to complain to. I fear that she'll think that she's alone. Will she even know that I'm here?
And Carity, how can I not even worry about her? There is always so much drama going on in her life I'm so worried one day that it will all break her apart. What if no one is there to pick the pieces? What if no one is there for her? What if the stress just overwhelms her and she can't bear it anymore? What if? What if? All the 'what ifs' that cannot be answered as the situations have not even occured.
Fear is therefore irrational. I know that and you know that, but does that stop us from being afraid? No it doesn't. I am still afraid sometimes. No wait. Strike that. It's ALL THE TIME. I won't let fear control me though. Live life to the fullest. That is what I've promised myself as I watched my grandmother die during her last days. I will work hard for my dreams. I will prove myself right. I will not break under the stress cause I have friends and family around me to support me. I am NOT alone.
This simple knowledge of not being alone somehow empowers me and I feel like I can do everything and anything. DBSK may be my favourite KPOP band, yes, but what ultimately gives me strength to face a brand new day are my friends and family. From the strong love I can feel from them, I know that I will have their unconditional support for life, or for as long as they can give.
So please, I don't even want to hear of any of my friends or family committing suicide or dying intentionally. It just breaks my heart and everyone out there who are friends of you. :) Friends are here for a reason. Friends are here to share and care. Friends are like angels sent down from heaven. :) Friends are here to share your burden so stop keeping everything to yourself okay?
I once read this manga. I can't remember what is the title of it but one sentence in it strike me particularly hard when I read it.
"So that's what friendship is like huh? Feeling a ten times worse as I watch my friend in tears.. I think I can finally grasp the meaning of friendship."
If you cry, I can feel it too, cause that's what friendship's all about. Friends are here to stay. Friends are here to listen.
Do you know why God gave us one pair of ears, a pair of hands, a mouth and a pair of eyes?
1 mouth.
To whisper encouragment.
To convey heartfelt words.
To comfort and care.
2 ears.
To listen attentively.
To hear the voice within.
To pick up abnormalities.
1 pair of hands.
To guide you when you're lost.
To hold your hand when you fall.
To support you when you're wavering.
1 pair of eyes.
To observe your surroundings.
To see your friends smiling.
To see yourself smiling.
For if one action of yours can make another smile, won't you do it too?
Yunho once said, "In DBSK, the sorrow felt is one-fifth of the original emotion while the joy felt is five times multiplied."
"誰もが誰かに愛される為に
この世に命を煌(きらめ)かせるのさ
それがもしも僕なら
もう一度君の心を
永遠(とわ)の優しさで 暖めるよ…
運命の悪戯
(心を痛めても)
その涙の先には
ひとすじの光が
(闇の中舞い降りて)
僕らは気付くさ
苦しいほどに強く 感じあえる
人の温もり" -- Love In The Ice, DBSK.
"For anyone to be loved by someone,
Makes life in this world shine
If it was me, I’d make your
heart warm once more
With eternal tenderness
Even if fate’s mischief
pains the heart
On the other side of those tears,
A single ray of light will
swoop down into the darkness
We know
As strong as the feeling of suffering,
we can feel people’s warmth" --Love In The Ice. DBSK.
Don't give up. Hang in there. Things will look up soon. Can't you already see the rainbow after the rain? :)
"Hey, look at that! It's so pretty!" Shiro whispered as she pointed to the sky, "It's in so many different colours! It's like candy."
Shiro's father chuckled and shook his head gently. Opening his arms, he drew Shiro into his embrace and propped her on his lap.
"It cannot be eaten, Shiro, and it is certainly not a candy. It's a rainbow." he explained as he watched a pout gradually forming on Shiro's face.
"Rainbow? What's that? Why is it so colourful if it is not candy?" Shiro grumbled as she gazed at the 'candy' from afar.
"Shiro, don't you think that beautiful things are meant to be looked from afar?" he questioned.
"But if it's too far I won't be able to touch it!"
Shiro's father laughed once more at the impatient reply from Shiro and tightened his arms around her.
"Sometimes beautiful things are not meant to be touched, Shiro. Perhaps one day you'll understand what I mean. Besides, a rainbow is not only there because it's pretty."
"If it's not candy and not there 'cause it's pretty, then what is it there for?" Shiro retorted.
Shiro's father frowned.
"Shiro, a rainbow is a promise from God."
"Promise?" she questioned.
"Yes Shiro." Shiro's father kissed Shiro on her forehead, "It's a promise that better things will come."
