birthday surprises

Today is Elsie's birthday so happy 20th birthday Elsie. Hope you enjoyed the day spent with me haha.

Anyway, this year I wanted to do something special for Elsie since I never properly celebrated her birthday throughout these years. I have this weird habit I guess. I know that majority of my friends are not social butterflies. Hence, I try to do something special for them, especially on their birthdays. Everyone needs to feel loved on their birthdays right? It's practically a must HAHAHA.

So yeah, here goes...

The end product! Hahahaha. This is at Bishan Park by the way. Majority of the stuff seen here are from Daiso~ :) The balloon bear is sculpted by Bryan Chua though. Sure good to have a friend who's a balloon sculptor huh? (Shh. don't tell him I'm blatantly taking advantage of him. It's a secret.)

More pictures of a satisfied Elsie with the birthday decoration...

She claims that I'm clearly 'spoiling the market' since now she's gonna have to do better for my birthday. Haha. I don't expect much though. My love language ain't gifts man. I'm more inclined towards quality time. :) Just spend time with me that's all. I'm easily satisfied that way.

Tingwei says it's really romantic though. Elsie thinks the same way too. She said it looks like I'm about to propose to her haha. See? I'm such a qualified romantic. I no need no boyfriend man. I'm romantic all on my own. Muahaha. 

Besides Elsie, I only did birthday surprises like these for Yilian, Michelle and Tingwei. I had help though, unlike this one, but the outcomes of all three actually turned out to be pretty romantic, or at least that's what people say. Well, see the pictures and judge for yourself. 

Yilian's 17th birthday surprise (with Sheryl and Michelle)

Nicholas (Yilian's boyfriend), you have high expectations to live up to. Haha.

Michelle's 18th birthday surprise (with Shimin and Tingwei)

Tingwei's 18th birthday surprise (with Yilian)

Since I didn't take many pictures with Tingwei on that day due to my extremely starved state (Thanks Yilian for forgetting about me), I shall post an extremely old picture of me and Tingwei instead.

Also, in addition to all that, last year, Yilian and I went to Tingwei's house to surprise her at 12 midnight. No pictures for that cause I'm lazy as hell to find it through Instagram. (we stopped uploading pictures on Facebook when Instagram was created)

Oh! We also celebrated Alicia's birthday. Well, here goes nothing~

Alicia's 18th birthday surprise (with Cassandra and Suuswen)

Thank you Sien for the help. :)

Oh well. I've gotta admit though, the main coordinator for Alicia's birthday surprise is Cassandra haha. I still think it's pretty cool how I met Suuswen, Alicia and Cassandra through the internet though. It's downright amazing when you think of it that way. :)

Anyway, judgement time... What do you think about these birthday surprises? Do you think it's pretty? Have I improved over the years? :) Please tell me I did haha. Or at least tell a white lie haha.

Old pictures of me to traumatise you my lovely readers.

#you'rewelcome

life update

For the first time in my life, I stare at the empty screen on Blogger and no words come to my mind. It isn't because I have nothing to speak of. I have tons I want to talk about, little thoughts I want to voice on this platform but somehow, nothing gets typed out and my blog remains empty and not updated.

I guess I just don't know what I can/cannot blog on this webpage anymore. I removed my previous blog entry cause Yi Lian read it and said it would be quite hurtful to my friends if they read it. In my mind, all I felt was pent up anger and indignance. My thoughts went something like this, "If these people hurt me in my life, why can't I let them know that they've hurt me? So it's okay for me to keep the hurt hidden even though it's killing me just so that the people who have hurt me can not be hurt when they read how much they've hurt me?"

Fuck this shit, I say. It's ridiculous. I told Elsie and most of my friends this year that I wanted to be more honest with myself and present the 'real' me to my friends and families but I apparently didn't think that it would hurt some of my friends through this process. I thought people would appreciate honesty. Evidently, I thought wrong.

Or perhaps it's because my blog is public to everyone's view and thus people are reluctant for me to share our conflicts online as they're afraid of criticism and judgement. Maybe that's the case. I'll never know. In any case, I removed that blog entry and reverted it to a draft. I did tell Ting Wei about it though. At least I know Ting Wei wouldn't run away at the sight of the blog entry being published.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not writing stories anymore. I've stopped blogging. It just seems like writing in general has turned into something of a burden than an interest. Times like this, I try to remember the reason behind me starting this current blog and figure my way out of this mess.

Then, I remember. I started this blog because I wanted my friends to be updated with my lives despite the distance between our schools and lives. So, you know what, that is EXACTLY what I'm going to do. 

So, updates about my life:

I'm currently volunteering at the Singapore Cat Museum and playing with little kittens like Cupcake (white with black patches) and Muffin (tabby).

Spot Muffin if you can!! (She's hiding beneath the chair in the video)

As of 1 March I will be working as a part time sales associate at Pandora. (wish me luck manz)

I also applied for degrees in both National University of Singapore (NUS) and Nanyang Technological University (NTU).

NUS:

1. Environmental science
2. Life sciences

NTU:

1. English
2. Double degree in biomedical science and chinese medicine
3 - 5 All the various sciences

I might apply for SIT but I'm not too sure yet as I honestly am not interested in most of the courses that they have to offer.

So yes, this is my life. I guess most of you are now updated, yeah?

Ending this post with a cute gif of Baymax cuddling the cat.

And another gif of Baymax fist bumping.

And another gif of Baymax face planting.

And of course not forgetting my cute lil' Toothless...

Trying to smile...

Trying to catch the light...

Being curious and kawaii...

And the reason why he's Toothless...

I'm just so done with the feels.

:/

I'm playing tug of war with my emotions. Happiness is on the losing end while sadness is gaining every inch. It seems like I'm letting it win again. Somehow, I've lost the motivation to win.

I had many plans for the holidays but now, I've done nothing, nothing at all. The stillness in my actions has translated into chaos in my thoughts. Feels like my mind's splitting open again with every thought running in various directions. Is this how it feels like to be lost? Is there even a way out of this?

Will the light ever reach me? Or am I doomed to be engulfed in darkness forever? I don't even miss happiness anymore. Happiness brings about the next sadness. I rather have none. None at all.

Quarrelling with my friends take a lot out of me. I don't think I'll do that anytime soon. I'll keep mum about things. It helps keep the 'friendship' alive right? I don't want to wake up feeling like shit. That sucks.

I still don't know what to do with my life but I promised myself I'll apply to universities next week. Whatever strikes my fancy, I guess. Whatever that floats my boat.

Alright. I'm ending this entry here.

Goodbye.

aubade melodies

Hop over to my public blog: http://aubademelodies.blogspot.sg if you wanna see more posts on cutting, self harm, etc.

This blog will still remain as my 'private' blog.

WEEEEEEEEEE~

P.S. Aubade means love songs sung at dawn.
P.P.S. It's my new favourite word now.

vulnerable me

Another post for today cause the previous post was optimistic and now that I've read Nelli's blog I actually feel a little sad so here's another post. It's something I wanted to blog about for a long time but I had no courage to. It's hard. I don't know how Nelli does it on her blog but asking me to blog about the vulnerable me is tough. I don't tell many people my insecurities. I'm afraid. Fear pretty much rules my life. (and pride too)

As mentioned in the previous blog post, I had a talk with Elsie recently. I confessed to her that I too get affected by people's opinions at times. She was so surprised. She thought I didn't give a shit about what people thought. I guess I was the 'strong' girl in her eyes huh? But guess what, I'm actually really vulnerable too.

People's opinions do not matter to me most of the time but when it comes to my loved ones, they matter to me all the time. Every time my parents disapprove of my actions, I feel the hurt inside. It feels like sometimes, I'm just stuck in an endless cycle to please them and make them happy. I hate myself for disappointing them, for doing the course I'm doing now cause it doesn't make them happy. More importantly, I hate myself for cutting because cutting hurts them but they don't even know a damn thing cause I lack the courage to confess to them the truth. I'm afraid they'll throw me to a counsellor if they knew the truth. I'm afraid they'll reject their daughter. I'm afraid. Been like this since forever.

The purpose of this post is to tell my friends that hey, I'm every bit as vulnerable as you are. I'm not even gonna bullshit something about how 'thinking optimistically helps the situation at hand'. Fuck that. If I was that optimistic, I would not have slipped into a chronic sadness stage I did last year. Truth is, I'm not an optimistic kid and believe me, I feel every bit as rejected as every damn human on Earth.

I may seem like I move on easy but that's nothing but a facade. I don't show my vulnerable side because I don't want people seeing it and judging me based on it. I'm afraid of what people think too. I'm just human after all.

Nelli, I hope after reading this post you'll realise that you're not the only weak one out there.

You mentioned in your post this:

I get scared bc I don’t want cutting scars. I don’t want questions from people who either are just nosey or really do care. I just don’t want any questions from anyone.

The worst part is knowing that the cut wasn’t even as deep as the ones my cutting friends from twitter used to show me. Compared to theirs, mine is just a chicken cut. I don’t even know why did I not cut deep enough. The chicken cut made me feel attention-seeking but the fact is, I feel the complete opposite.

The truth is, my cut is even worse. It's barely even a chicken scrawl. My cut doesn't even scar. The guilt already sucks me from deep within. I can't fight it anymore than I can fight the pain. I feel like a coward. I mean, if you wanna cut, might as well go all out right? But I don't. I get scared. I fear. I cower, like the being I always am.

Here, have a look at my thoughts. I'm as much human as you too.

Fri, 28 Nov 14

Old habits die hard

I cut again. Today, for the first time in years I did it. You know, it doesn't even feel any different. It's the same. I'm on bloodlust.

Feels great if I were to be honest, like a heroin addict getting her fix. The smile after seeing my own blood is probably the most genuine it has ever been. I've found the way to be happy again.

I failed Final Theory. 39/50. Disappointing marks but guess what, cutting helpedme release the emotions. I don't even feel the guilt now. Ha. Maybe I really am hopeless.

God, I've sinned again. Will you still save me this time around? Or will you leave me to die?

I deserve hell. I know it too. But God, I'm tired. I don't even know who I'm fighting this for anymore. I want somebody to hold me and tell me it's alright to feel this way. Somebody to tell me that hey, I'm as lovable as someone else. I want someone to just listen and be there.

I know it's supposed to be you God. I know it's You, but God, it just feels like I can't get through you like before. Feels like I've been abandoned again and that's probably what drove me to do this anyway. I can't accept being ditched God, I suck at acceptance of rejection.

I know You're there but God, I can't feel You here. I wish so much for Your love to take me away but it's hopeless. Once the worship songs are over, I'll slip away. 

The thoughts come back to haunt me.

I wanna stay in Your embrace forever. God, I was so optimistic about the future. Now the fragile hope is crushed. I can't do it anymore. I don't wanna get my hopes up and watch it all come crashing down. I'll die.

I'm resigned to my fate God. I have no fighting chance. I'm destined to be a sinner ain't I? Destined to be in hell. Destined to die.

God, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. You gave me everything. There's nothing I could have ask for that you didn't provide. I'm just... me. A broken girl that can never be pieced back together.

God, I'm still praying for my friends to get saved though, I'm praying a sinner's prayer. My friends, they don't know of Your greatness, you surely will give them a chance. They're Your mighty children right? You'll bless them I just know it.

God, this oddly feels like a goodbye letter and I can feel the darkness in me swallowing me whole. I hope I still fight for myself God. I hope Satan doesn't win. I hope I still go to church, to let Your love be the redeeming factor. God, if I were to go to church, will you still save me again?

Or have I expired all the chances you've decided to give me? God, you're amazing. You really are. I feel bad for putting you down.

I love you.

Sorry for sinning but without it I'll die, at least there's false happiness here... but sorry again.

Sorry sorry sorry.

I'm a horrible daughter, a horrible friend, a sinful human too ashamed to be known as the child of God.

Thanks for the love throughout the years.

♥

Sun, 23 Nov 14

God... :(

It's been two months since I last updated and you know what? Nothing's changed. I'm still as unhappy as ever, the only exception being that Tingwei is the only person I talk my troubles to now. Why is it, you may ask, well, I have no idea.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life at this point. Talking to everyone else makes me tired. It isn't even their fault anymore. Why am I being like this again? I'm distancing myself from everyone again. I don't know if anyone noticed. Okay. Tingwei did but that may because of the diminished number of conversations we had as compared to the past. Funny huh?

I'm constantly with people but nothing's letting up. I'm not changing. I'm opening up to my connect group now more than ever. I've changed connect group by the way. I've started talking to Christians. I've learned to open my heart, lower my shield a little and try to interact with the vast majority of people out there. It's frustrating though. It seems like no matter how much I try it just isn't freaking enough. I can never be comfortable with them. I'll take two steps forward and take two steps back. I can't even be happy for more than a while. What the hell is my problem?

Today is Mummy's birthday. We went to Sushi Tei as a family together to celebrate the occasion. I was walking behind them and watching their backs from afar. It seemed like the perfect family. It seemed like the only family, seemed like I didn't belong.

I've thought about it sometimes. What will happen to my family if I'm not there? Will it be better, or will it be worse? I try so hard to hold onto the thought that my family will be devastated without me but sometimes it's just so easy to not care. It's so easy to just close your eyes and let everything that's clashing within you come to a standstill. It's so easy to hold that breath, watch the dark spots dance around your eyes and feel Death's breath on your lips. It's so easy to give in to the temptations, so easy to lose the fight...

I'm fucked up in my thoughts, I know. I'm just falling apart, watching the broken pieces of my heart fall to the floor dispassionately. My mask is torn. I don't know the feelings that are coursing through my veins now. Is it warmth that I feel, or is it numbing cold? My friends are drifting apart. I am drifting apart. I don't think they even notice. Sometimes I think they don't even care.

It's so selfish of me to think this way but it's really hard to hold onto the truth sometimes y'know? Waking up everyday, finding a reason to get out of bed, a reason to breathe, a reason for me to hold onto life, a reason for me to just feel like I belong in this world, and not the realm of the dead is tough. I don't know if these thoughts are labelled as suicidal or not. I don't feel like dying myself but I'm already dying, you know what I mean?

Each day I go through the same routine again and again without a slightest idea of what is going on. I'm so terrified most of the time I find it hard to ground myself to reality. I escape to the world of fanfiction, drown myself in stories after stories, tell myself that I'm okay, I'm alright and I will be fine. But it isn't true is it? It's never true. I'm just falling down repeatedly and I'm tired of getting up.

I understand being 'emo' is selfish but here's the thing, some people just can't stop being selfish. I am a selfish person to the core. I know it. I recognise it but I can't for fuck's sake help it. I don't know why those rude words exit my mouth either. I don't know why I'm being such a jerk to the people around me but I can't help it. I can't help myself.

Days like these are the days I just want to go back to my previous coping mechanism; cutting. It makes the world an easier place to live in. It keeps those dark thoughts at bay and fill it with other senseless ones instead. Is it better? I don't know. Fear's just been such a HUGE part of my life I'm not sure what it's like to live without it anymore.

I'll pray but I don't believe. I know God can heal me. I know God is my Saviour but just the thought of facing God ever fills me with shame. I feel unworthy, dirty and so so guilty. The shame seeps out of my pores, the dirt clings to my frame. I don't feel like I can ever get rid of it and those scars, those stupid scars are mocking me for the temptations I've succumbed to and the sins I've committed.

I'm just so tired. God, will there really come a day I'll wake up and actually smile? Will there come a day that the tears on my face will stop flowing, a day when my fears ceased to exist and faith fills me up instead? You've given me hope, God but it's so fragile and it's fading. I hate to be so faithless but the alternative just fills me with so much fear, God, so much fear...

I keep screwing up God. In clinics, in everywhere, I just keep repeating the same mistakes again and again. I don't even know why. I just keep doing it over and over again like an idiot. Like a stupid idiot. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm not good at anything and I lack passion for anything at all. No wait, that's not true. I love music. My heart beats for it, but God, I ain't good at it either. I'll practice but it's just never enough.

I'm taking piano lessons from Yilian with Nelli but it's just impossible God. It throws me back to the times when I always feel like I'm not good enough. It starts a crippling cycle of negativity. I'm afraid, God, I don't want to go back there again. I'm not sure I'll have enough willpower to stop myself this time. Not sure if God, you'll get through me like you did previously.

God, the negative thoughts, they're back again. They've always been at the back of my mind, whispering into my heart, tearing my walls down. It's so hard sometimes. Feels like I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to anchor my heart to. My family relationships are falling apart and so are my friendships, God, is there ever a chance of restoration?

Is it my fault? I can't help but feel that it is. Why am I being so petty God? All these hurt that I can't let go just because I'm being a bitch... Why? God, oh why? :( Can I spam sad faces? Cause that's how I feel now. Just sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad...

Is there another word to describe sadness? Cause I feel like I'm just spamming the word again and again. Help me God, save me please. It's just so difficult sometimes. I don't want to go back to the past. I don't want to lose my heart. I want to gain control of my mind back again. Please. I want to wake up to good thoughts, to smiles, to just all the positivity that's been buried somewhere in this broken shell of me. God, I know you can return the smiles to me. I'll pray God, I'm still praying...

God, I really wanna smile again. I want to stand up for myself. I want to be able to hug people, talk to them, kiss them on their cheeks, lay my head on their shoulders. I want to be able to comfort them with the right words, help others like me out of this chain of negative thoughts. God, I want to be able to be comfortable with my Christian friends, play games with them, laugh with them. I want to feel the confidence seep back into me God. I want to just be carefree and not let the world hold me down. I want to be able to build a relationship with you God. I want to smile. God I want to smile so desperately.

Can I just look at my reflection and be happy with it? I'll be so happy if that day is possible. God, it's okay for me to hope right? It's going to come to past right? A vision that you've placed in me... God, I can afford to hope... right?

God,

I love you.

And I'm sorry for all the things I've done, so sorry for all the hurt I've caused others, so so sorry for denying you in the past, sorry sorry.

Sorry that my sorries are never enough. Sorry that I can't remember to hold onto you. Sorry that I just keep forgetting that you're there. Sorry that I'm still trying to live up to the expectations of my greed. Sorry that I keep taking credit for what you've done. Sorry, sorry, sorry and sorry.

And sorry cause God, why do you even love me? I don't even love myself, God. I look at myself and all I feel is deep bone hatred. I hate myself so much I could literally punch myself in the face and be okay with it. God, the urge to self-harm is to tempting God. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. Dying in my own thoughts, trapped by my own mind...

God, I really need you man. I really really need you. I don't know how to even function as a human being without you. I can't even live without you. You're the one who makes another day worth living. You're the reason I'm breathing. You're the one who takes the pain away. You take the thoughts in me and crush them at their roots. God, you vanish all my doubts and shine light into my darkness. God, teach me please. I don't know how to hold onto you. I think I forgot how, God, what if one day I forget you're there and do something I regret? God. :(

I love you even though I think I don't have the right to. :( God...

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry...

Sorry.

Sorry that I'm such a wreck all the time. Sorry for always being this useless me. Sorry for everything that I've done oh God, I'm sorry. So so sorry. I hate that I'm always back to square one. I hate that I doubt you when trouble comes and believe you when everything's smooth sailing. God, I'm thinking of my FTT on friday and I know I'm going to fail and I'm not even surprised that I'm going to fail but I'm thinking I should pray to you to ask for you to help me but I know I don't even deserve it anyway so God I'm confused.

I'm confused why I still think of myself as unworthy after so long. God, is there ever a way out of this? Will I ever smile again? :( God... help?

:(

God, I... I just can't anymore. It's breaking apart. Everything is. I can't even talk to anyone. They don't understand. They think I'm breaking down cause I had enough. It's not true God. It's not. I'm breaking down cause I don't have enough. I don't think I ever will. :( God. Can I live this once? I just hate this. Hate me. Hate everything that has to do with me. I feel like bashing my head against the wall sometimes, watch my blood seep out of my wounds, feel the life leaving this body behind...

God. I'm hopeless. Hopeless. :(

I'm holding onto Jeremy Camp's There Will Be A Day.. I'm trying so hard to believe, trying so hard to believe... trying so hard to believe..

God, it's okay right? :( :( :( I can hope this time around cause you're with me. I know I'm not alone. I'm not alone cause you're always with me. You won't forsake me. You're with me. You're with me. YOU'RE WITH ME.

Okay God. I'll take deep breaths in. I'll learn to be myself again. God. I can do it with you.. right? Okay. Okay. I'm gonna just calm myself down and listen to There Will Be A Day repeatedly. God, I'll let your love wash over me okay? I'll do this. I'll hold onto You. I can't ever let go anymore. You're all I need, more than what I can possibly imagine and everything, just everything that I so desperately crave for.

God, I'll try. I'll try so God, help me? Walk with me? Never forsake me? I'll die, no even worse than death is what will become of me if you abandon me but you won't right? Damn it. I'm doubting you again. I don't want to God, why am I being like this again? God. :( :( :(

I'm sorry. :((((((

Sorry
sorry
sorry
sorry..

I'm such a wreck now. :( GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

:( I love you and I'm sorry. :(((

Wed, 3 Sep 14

I really miss smiling. Feels like it's been ages since I genuinely smiled. When I hung out with Sien yesterday, I felt the gap between us. The distance seemed so wide I'm afraid I'm not able to cross it. I was being such a jerk yesterday. No correct that, I'm being a jerk to everyone.

I'm sorry but why? God, why am I being like this? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH NOW. I'm letting those negative feelings control me and dictate how I live. I'm in hiding and in denial.

I don't feel like talking to people anymore. I don't even feel like stepping out of the house. I rather be alone, like today. Today's fun cause I was at home alone. No nagging, no talking, nothing. The silence was amazing. ^^

But tomorrow's bad. Tomorrow I'm meeting with Shimin. Tomorrow I'm going for connect group. Tomorrow I'm going to meet with people again.

God, I feel like I'm shrinking. I feel so small now. I don't know why all those negative feelings returned. I just want to be left alone. I've hurt so many people I feel bad over my actions. Yet why am I like this?

Even talking to Tingwei makes me tired... even Tingwei...

Is there really no hope for me? My emotions are a whirlwind but my mind's in utter chaos.

I just wanna say sorry. Sorry to the friends and family who love me. I love you too, I just don't know why I'm like this.

Sorry....

I'm deathly afraid of rejection and I've already been rejected countless times. Just another human in a fucked up world huh? 

Don't judge me too harshly.

Bye.

Thankful to relationships

When I get angry, I lose control over my words. Vindictive feelings surface and I just get hit by the overwhelming desire to hurt the person as much as he/she hurt me. It's a really petty thing to do but my humanity gets the best of me sometimes.

Recently, as I was texting Michelle, I noticed that there was a wall of distance between us. It's a wall that I've erected with my words. Do I regret my actions? Perhaps, to some degree I do, but if I did not flare up, I'll always be torturing myself with all the repetitive negative thoughts that burn my mind everyday.

Yet, it was only through the talk I had with Elsie that I realised I was never truly afraid of losing the friendship between Michelle and me. I guess I just thought that this quarrel will be like our past quarrels. We'll talk it out and soon we'll be back to whichever stage we were at before the quarrel began.

The only time I can recall that I was actually panicked over losing a friendship was the quarrel I had with Si En back in 2011. It was a cold war that lasted for months. We drifted apart. Most of it was my fault, I'll admit. That was why I did not dare to approach her during all those months. I felt that since it was my fault, I had no right to bring it back. It's only now as I reflect upon the past that I can see the truth in the saying 'Time heals all wounds'.

It healed the wounds of the hurts Si En and I experienced throughout the course of our friendship. Of course, there are many more examples as well. It's not only the friendship between Si En and I that needed healing. I just used Si En as an example as she is one of the more influential friends in my life. (Omg, I feel weird complimenting her)

See, that's the thing about relationships, they teach you something. They tell you which value in life you're lacking in and expect you to work on them to improve your relationship status. Even if the relationship fails in the end, you still bring home an experience with you. These experiences shape our character and form the morals and principles we have today.

You may think I'm being really random for blogging about this but this thought has been stuck in my brain ever since one of my friends broke down in front of me due to a loss of a relationship she still grieved for. So many times, we expect ourselves to get up just right after we fall, but how can we do that when we did not even stop to experience the pain we've gone through? It is only through managing the pain that we learn to be strong and handle ourselves better. In other words, experience is nothing but a fancy word for pain. Don't let the world delude you. Relationships always bring pain. That is the point of a relationship in the first place.

I'm not saying that relationships don't bring happiness. If a relationship brings you nothing but pain, it's probably not a healthy one and you should get out of it as soon as possible. I'm saying that relationships are meant to be balanced, therefore you can't have the happiness without the pain. It comes in a freaking package, like the combo meals you order at the local fast food restaurants. Some people like the fries, others like the burger. The thing is this, you don't get to pick which burger or fry you want, you just deal with it like any other person. That doesn't mean you can't have a variety. You still get to pick which drink you want. You even get to swap some items off the meal if you're lucky. See? The same goes for a relationship. You can change things around a bit if you want but what remains there will still be there. Happiness will be there. Pain will be there. It's only through the managing of these emotions that the relationship will strengthen and mature. It's just a part and parcel of life. It's the price you pay for happiness I guess.

So, failed relationships or not, be thankful that it once happened. If not for that particular relationship you had, you might not be who you are today. 

For example, my relationship with Mathematics has always been one of pure hatred and loathing. The immense dislike has not changed but I've got to admit, if not for mathematics, I would never have known that for every problem, there is always a solution. I just have to look for it even through the unknown and all the 'x's and 'y's.

P.S. I still hate Physics. It taught me nothing but how much of a dickhead Isaac Newton was being for thinking of all the incomprehensible theories and laws.

P.P.S. This is an oddly optimistic post isn't it? :)

keep going on

A NEW ENTRY? Yes, I know. I lied. I'm still blogging haha. You lucky people who happened to check this 'dead' blog are in for a real treat. XDDDD

I'm just kidding haha. I have so many things to blog about but I don't know how to phrase my words properly. Gosh. ENGLISH. WHAT HAVE YOU TURNED INTO? Don't leave me....

KAJIMAAAAAAA~~~~~ *insert Catch Me by TVXQ*

Haha. I'm kidding. I'm a little crazy. Ignore me. xDD By the way, Michelle if you're still reading this, we should probably meet up one day and talk about whatever transpired between us. Maybe after your term tests?

Okay. I'm getting awkward fast. I can't type properly cause I'm a little emotional now haha. I just think that since last year is so horrible this year has to be really good, you know what I mean? I fell way too deep last year. I didn't even let myself be helped up so this year, I really want to learn how to be positive and stop breaking at every obstacle I see.

I want to learn how to be strong. I think I am capable of that, right? Today at church, they sang this song, 'How Great Is Our God'. Instantly, I was transported to the days when I was 'forever alone' in my polytechnic. Thinking back, I never thought I would make it through those days. It was horrible but I made it.

This brings me back to the quote in my picture, "I've learnt that you can keep going, long after you think you can't."

Somehow, even though we've been bitching about the things that made us mad or sad, we've all made it through. No matter how tough life is, it still moves on. We go on with our lives. Yes, sometimes we may still harp on things, hence my blog url, but ultimately, we still move on with time. We're in a constant state of motion. Really, nothing lasts forever. Happiness, sadness whatever it may be, it'll pass. Perhaps we all forgot how to focus on the things that matter and let go of the things that don't.

Failures are a norm of life. Since when did we start to let them consume us? Failures doesn't matter if you don't let them affect you. Learn from them but don't harp on them. I'm talking to all of my friends just as I am talking to myself haha.

Come on guys, we can do this. :)

let's all keep a little positivity in our hearts okay?