感恩，感叹，感伤。

今天，跟了Stacy聊天后，突然很庆幸自己能够拥有读大学的机会，并且很感谢老天藉由她提醒我这份荣幸。不是每个人都能像我一样有权利选择发展自己的教育。有的人有钱，但没本事。有的人有本事，却没钱。可悲的人，两者都缺。比起他们，我还算是幸运得很。别人在烦家用或租金，我却懊恼大学的科系。有时候我真是身在福中不知福。感叹了一下，我的思想还真幼稚呢。

这时候，我真的很感谢老天把这些朋友放在我身边。他们所经历过的事情和感触总会领导我踏上未来的路程。

我还记得四年前的我，天真无知，还以为时间很多，多爱一点，就已足够。哈！我即可笑又可耻。经历过了这么多，现在的我才懂。维持一段感情，不是爱的激情就已足够。有时候越爱一个人，就越得放她走。时间过了，就再也讨不回爱了。在死亡的门前，什么也成了往事的遗憾，什么也不必在乎了。

一个人的寂寞，一个人去感受。世界上没有不寂寞的人，因为人与人之间是不可能和平相处的。从误会 => 争吵 => 冷战 => 到最终的分手，这都是难以避免的。早一点放开过去的纠结，也就早一点放下感情的悲痛，回去之前一个人的生活。

人生中的我犯下的错误实在太多，就算想补偿我也补不完这笔账。一向渴望自由的我，当下毫无犹豫的牺牲了身边的亲人，追求心中的梦想。我以为那样的生活就是自由的典范。现在的我才明白自由并不代表一个全无包袱，我行我素的生活，而是在背着家人和亲戚朋友的包袱下，大家所体验的快乐和心酸。到头来，我的牺牲没换取自由，只造成了数不请的后悔和难过。

这样的情形，李圣杰的一首曲子，《重来》，形容得相当恰当：

“ 有多少爱能重来?

   多少人愿意等待? 

   失去之後才明白

   走进回忆的安排

   一幕一幕的对白

   上演我们的未来

   期待 原来是一种伤害

   深爱的人已离开

   是我不该忽略你给我的爱

   现在我只想  回到最初的时候

   不愿让你再泪流... ...”

写着写着，我又难过了。唉... 今天就到这吧！

P.S. 请原谅我的语言表达能力。不必跟我说，我也知道，我的华文退步了。你们就多多包涵吧~

judge my limerick, tanka and cinquain

Inspiration suddenly struck me, so following wikiHow's guidelines on poem creations, here's what I came up with:

Limerick Basics:

A limerick has five lines that rhyme AABBA. The first, second, and fifth lines should have eight or nine syllables, while the third and fourth lines should have five or six. A limerick also has a specific rhythm, or “meter,” that is created when syllables are stressed in different ways.

Sample limerick:

A woman who once heard a mouse
ran screaming all throughout her house.
She sent in the cat
to dispose of the rat
to find it was only her spouse.

My limerick:

"The sky was filled with countless stars
with five shining lights from afar.
They guide the lost peeps
back to the heart’s keep
and show them who they really are."

(Yes, it's about Cassiopeia.)

Tanka Basics:

A tanka has five lines that don’t usually rhyme.

The first and third lines have five syllables, while the second, fourth, and fifth lines have seven.

The third line usually represents a turning point in the story: reading the first three lines together give you one image, while reading the last three lines give you another.  

Sample tanka:

Snow-covered pine trees

line the frozen pathway home,

but we turn away.

The world is a lake of ice,

and we have one warm hand each.

My tanka:

"The glow on her face

beams with happiness and joy.

Alone, she smiles,

writing stories on her arms

that speak of pain and tell with blood."

(Yes, it's about cutting.)

Cinquain Basics

Cinquains have five lines that usually follow a specific structure:

First line: One word (noun) that will be the subject of the poem; two syllables

Second line: Two words (adjectives) that describe the subject; four syllables

Third line: Three words (-ing verbs) that have something to do with the subject; six syllables

Fourth line: Four words (a phrase) that relate to the subject; eight syllables

Fifth line: One word (noun) that is similar to the subject; two syllables

Sample cinquain:

Water

Restless, rugged

Flowing, crashing, smashing

Creator of valleys and crests

Power

My cinquain:

"Sorrow

Numbness, fatigue

Blinding, hurting, losing

Inexplicable pain in words

Anguish"

(I based this off grief actually)

So how did I do? Judge for yourself and give me your verdict hahaha! Personally, I prefer the sample Tanka as compared to mine.

Changeable Lizard (Calotes versicolor)

Are you surprised to see Albert Einstein on my blog? I sure am. (If you can't identify that that's Albert Einstein, well, you've learned something now, haven't you?) I've got to admit though, this guy has some really good insights to life. One quote I love from him the most is this: 

It's the most inspirational quote I've ever come across. Thank you Albert Einstein for your wisdom haha. I love the fact that an awesome physicist such as yourself can be so quirky and humorous. I don't like your physics theories though. :X They have brought tremendous improvement to the world but not to mine... *coughs* secondary school physics *coughs*

Anyway, my blog post isn't about Albert Einstein, no matter how awesome he is regarding his life philosophies, (definitely not his physics theories), it's more of the relevance of his quotes to my life now. For example, the quote above just summarises my entire work life into a single sentence. Yes, unbelievably stupid people do exist on this planet. I know I'm not very intelligent myself, and it's pretty obnoxious of me to say this of another person but gosh, the situations I face sometimes are just so absurd they make me laugh.

Alright, moving onto a much more pleasant topic here, let me share with you about the encounter with the changeable lizard or Calotes versicolor....

There is basically no encounter. I almost stepped on the poor dude and it gave me the above spastic look in return.

It's quite a model, isn't it?

Now, you're wondering, why on Earth would I stop in my steps just to take a picture of this lizard right? Well, I have an ulterior motive. In fact, if not for that motive, I wouldn't have noticed this lizard at all.

And the motive I mentioned is in the background next to the white pillar. Yes it's the lovely white cat underneath my HDB block, haha. I haven't named it yet so for now, it's nameless white cat 1. HAHAHA.

Alright, some facts about the Changeable Lizard... (derived from Naturia)

"Changeable Lizards are usually a dull brown, grey or olive with speckles or bands, but can be seen in other colours such as bright green (like the one above). These colour changes may reflect their moods and though rapid, are still relatively slower in comparison to chameleons.

Related to iguanas, Changeable Lizards, unlike other lizards, do not drop their tails (autotomy), and have very long, stiff and pointy tails instead. However, similar to other reptiles, they shed their skins and can move each of their eyes in various directions.

The diets of such lizards mainly comprise of insects and small vertebrates, including rodents and other lizards. Although they have teeth, these are designed for gripping prey and not for tearing. Thus, prey is swallowed whole after it is stunned by rapid movements.

An interesting fact about these lizards lies during the breeding season where the male's head and shoulders will turn bright orange or crimson while its throat will turn black. Hence, their infamous name the 'Bloodsucker lizard'. Males are also known to turn red-headed after a successful battle with rivals. Therefore, despite the names given to these lizards, it is ironic that they do not actually suck anybody's blood!"

And that's knowledge you've gained through reading my blogpost. You are very much welcomed, guys. :)

P.S. I forgot what I originally wanted to blog about . *smacks self*

university applications -> SUCCESS

So, I have really good news to share with everyone here: I got accepted into both NTU and SIT! I'm still reeling from the shock here. I remember just talking to Elsie the other day that I was worried I wouldn't be able to enter a university after all. Elsie insisted that I was just over-thinking haha. She had high hopes for me entering NTU. She always did believe in me for some absurd reason. Look, now she's right. I really received an acceptance letter into NTU.

In case you are wondering what courses I got accepted into:

NTU: English Literature

SIT: Pharmaceutical Engineering

And now, here comes the decision making. Which university should I pick? *sighs* I actually don't really care about that right now. I'm just praying all my other friends will get into their dream courses as well. Really sucks to be the only one with good news y'know?

Here's a praying candle for all of you:

Thank you to all my friends for congratulating me despite the lack of news they have regarding their university application statuses. Thank you for all the practical advices given and the care and concern shown. I'll be praying for all of you to get into universities too. I believe all of us will find successes one day, even if that success isn't found in getting a university degree.

Just remember...

Doesn't matter if life doesn't work out the way we want it too. We've gotta have faith that everything will be alright in the end. Good luck friends. We'll really be embarking into the future together, be it in the workforce or in a university. Let's all do our best okay?

And for Yilian and Elsie, it's time to work harder for your exams okay? Score well. Give it your best shot. Live life without a single regret. XD

castaways

Castaways is a documentary series chronicling the successful rehabilitation program of inmates training unwanted dogs for re-introduction or adoption, while highlighting the plight that both prisoners and dogs face and how an unlikely union brings out a change in character of both man and beast - Each trying to save and serve one another.

The results are life changing for the prisoner, dog and recipient. 

Through the Prison trained K-9 Companion Program, both castaways are given a second chance to love and heal from all the damage and trauma they have been through.

Please visit www.SavingCastaways.com to learn more and share this so others can learn about this great program.

Your kind support is much appreciated.

:D

letting go

"Maybe, someday, when I look back to the past memories of you, they'll be ones filled with laughter instead of bitter tears."

Letting go is always tough. Even when you know it's the right decision to make, sometimes it weighs so heavily on the heart you just can't seem to do it even when your brain knows it needs to. I once read a quote online that best describes this: "People change but memories don't."

It's only during the act of letting go that I've realised what I've been holding onto all this while was not the friendship between the both of us but rather the memories I once had with her. I miss her. I don't think my heart ever stopped missing her. The worst part of letting go, I guess, is the resignation you feel when you finally realise that the memory of her that you have will never be the real her that you see in the world. People change. She's no longer the girl I once knew. The experiences she's been through has shaped her into the person she is today. Unfortunately, the person she has changed into is not one I can empathise with. Thus, it's time for me to leave.

Letting go of Nelli isn't like letting go of Sheryl. Sure, they have their similarities, but ultimately, Sheryl never did affect me the way Nelli did. Nelli, for all her negativity, was the one who taught me to dream big and aim for the stars. I never had the courage to conquer the world but with her I really did feel that everything was just within my arm's reach. Although that feeling only lasted a year, to me it was more than sufficient. It was a year of magic I've experienced. I don't think I'll ever forget those times I had with her.

I won't lie. When I broke it off with her on Whatsapp (perks of social media), her cold response made me really mad. I was tempted to bitch about her on this blog. I felt like I didn't matter in her eyes, especially when she casually dismissed the growing distance between us as one of my mind's tricks. She even said that the whole fallout didn't bother her since she decided she isn't gonna have feelings in her life from thereon. 

Reading the messages she sent me, I felt huge disappointment. The disappointment wasn't in her (for her response was horribly predictable) but in myself for that tiny hope I held in my heart for the friendship I had with her. Now, I've learned my lesson. It's all gone now. There's nothing left worth fighting for, not even the love I have for her will drag me back into this friendship.

Goodbye, Nelli. You'll make a good treasure among all the memories.

P.S. Escape room tomorrow with my colleagues from One Raffles. :3 Hope I don't screw anything up. :X

and the friendship ends.

The conversation between Nelli and me:

Nelli: Will you invite me into your blog?

Me: If I say no? Lol.

Nelli: Then I'll respect that I guess.

Me: If you read my blog you'll get hurt,

Nelli: 讲我坏话？

Me: 有说到。如果你要读的话就读吧！

Nelli: My conscience is clear though, not sure what you have to say about me.

As I read that sentence that she sent me, I instantly knew in my heart that it was over. She felt no guilt whatsoever. I was holding onto something that wasn't even real. Somehow, reading what she typed, it struck me real quick that I, Amelia Choo Shu Xian, have been a real idiot about everything.

I want to cry but the tears won't even escape my eyes. I'm just stuck in a perceptual numb state; confused and disorientated. I thought she would hold on. I thought she was fighting for the friendship between us, but she wasn't. Somehow, that hurts twice as bad. I'm just closing my eyes, willing my heart to calm down cause I can't believe that just happened.

After I managed to catch my breath back, I replied her the long assed message below:

Okay. Good for you. Grats. Nice plant you have there btw. I guess this ends our friendship here then? You can remove my invite to you blog. Or if you would like to blog a hateful post in return that'll be okay as well. In fact, if you still want to be invited to view my blog post about you, it's also fine. Just say the word. Yeah. I'm not good at ending friendships. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it. If you want me to remove the post, I can do it as well. Btw, I didn't mention your name in the post so I'm not exactly naming you out but you can read it and judge it for yourself. I guess this ends here huh? Perhaps it's done in a rather explosive way but I rather this than the distancing we seem to be experiencing between us. Good luck with your life, Nelli. I really do wish you the best of luck. I don't hate you after all and my blog post isn't about cursing you or wishing bad things to fall upon you. I just think we have different priorities and different directions in life. You did teach me a lot of life values though so you're much appreciated. If you have anything you want me to do or say I'll do it. I mean, it's the last thing between us after all I don't want to end on a sour note. My blogpost about you was an explosion I had a long time coming. It wasn't a deliberate attempt to hurt anyone but it was my heart cries and prayers. I wrote two blog posts about it before. I saved them as a draft cause I didn't want to hurt you but I guess I reached my limits in the end. If you hate me, it's fine. I don't mind being hated. Do whatever you think is best for you. As long as you're happy I guess.

And now, I'm free from this friendship with her. I should feel happy, even accomplished that I finally did something for myself, but I don't feel a thing in the end. I shouldn't feel sad, but I do. I don't know why I'm like this too. Some part of me argues that I should have fought harder, that I should have held onto it more tightly, that I shouldn't have let this slip through my fingers cause this friendship I had with her is as real as it gets and I shouldn't be expecting for more.

But the other part of me insists that this isn't the right way I should treat myself at all. It tells me that I deserve better friends than her, that I need companionship and comfort and not liabilities and burdens. This part of me is far more optimistic. It believes in real friendships, a belief my heart has long forsaken. There are good friends out there, this part of me squeaks, you just have to search through all 7 billion people to find them.

And then there's the third part of me that's neither a pessimist nor an optimist. It tells me that some friendships are fated to end and that no matter how hard we try sometimes, certain friendships fall apart because they need to for us to grow and mature as human beings. This tiny part of me has the confidence that I'll find better friends in the future because all these experiences will translate into a much more understanding me that will enable me to place myself in others' shoes and be a better person in general.

So here I am, sitting on my chair, vomiting these words out on this blog with all three parts of me arguing inside my heart when suddenly it all clicked in my mind and silence reigned. You see, I told all three of my friends; Vincent, Shimin and Carity about this conflict between Nelli and I, forwarding them the exact messages and screenshots you see here and this is what Carity replied me:

Me: You read finish le?

Carity: Yup. Just finished. What a writer! No choice ba. Just hope she can take it well. What did she reply you?

Me: She didn't reply me.

Carity: Should be sobbing away.

Me: Haha. She will sob meh? Hardly think she'll care but sure.

Carity: Idk.. I just feel sad for her. :((

Me: Sure.

Carity: but idk what to say to her either.

Me: I don't know and tbh I really don't care. Whatever happens next is between you and her alr. It's none of my business if I were to put it so crudely.

Carity: okok :)

"And then I realised that it didn't matter anymore cause no matter what happens, she'll always be seen as the poor victim in others' eyes cause I'm always labelled as the big bad baddie whenever I quarrel with her due to the vulnerable and innocent image she portrays in comparison with my ugly ass sinister looking face. Doesn't matter what happened. She deserves all the sympathy cause she's more likely to cry, get panic attacks and all the shit like that. Yeah sure, whatever. Feel bad for her cause I don't have feelings. Sympathise with her cause her heart's the only one that's breaking. I'm okay with that. I've always been okay with that right? Not the first time it has happened and it definitely won't be the last. Sure. She can be the victim. I'll just be the ugly ass witch in all the fairytale story books you've read. I have no feelings after all."

Just ignore me.

I'm a robot apparently. 

No one thinks that I'm capable of emotions. Ha. Ha.

I have emotions and I have feelings too but since I'm always assumed as the one who doesn't have either, well, I'll just be the robot you desire then. Thank you for helping me make up my mind.

That should be my fucking life philosophy.

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.

Time works in funny ways. Back when I was missing you, you were nowhere to be found. You plastered yourself against his arms as I stood in the shadows watching you from afar. I recalled the memories we had. I cried as I watched the sunrise alone. I prayed for you to notice me but you never did. I was drowning but you were laughing away with your love. I flailed my arms around as I struggled to breathe but you didn't care. I chased your shadows for 2 years. You didn't give a shit. Now, as I'm finally walking away from this mess, you come running back. A magnanimous person would let it go. She would accept you with open arms filled with love. She would hold you close, whisper endearments into your ears and tell you that everything's alright. She would wipe away your tears and help you stand up on your feet again. But you know, that girl doesn't exist. I'm not her. I can't pretend that you didn't hurt me. I can't cancel the debt just like that. You hurt me and I'm not okay with that.

You can't just ditch a friend and walk away like that. We had memories together. We were close once upon a time. Does that not count for anything? For the longest time, I've been keeping my mouth shut. I've been trying to bear it all in, but what the fuck am I doing this for? Why am I putting myself in so much agony and hurt? You don't care about me. I tried to make excuses for you time and time again but truth is, you don't really care do you?

I don't even know what I'm even talking about anymore. I'm just typing everything out cause I'm so tired of filtering my honest thoughts back when this blog was public just because I was afraid my honest thoughts would hurt someone else. But what about me? Why am I the one hiding my tears? Why am I the only one upset about this development of our friendships? Why am I the one who's forced to a corner cause I can't seem to let go of the ones who hurt me the most?

This is absurd. I'm not being fair to myself. I lie to my heart that it's alright to feel this way. Now look, I can't even appreciate a friendship for what it is anymore. Why am I the one making excuses for you? 

"I'm sorry, but please try to understand her. She's just been through a break up. She can't cope with it."

"No, she doesn't treat me like that most of the time, you have to empathise with her. She's just moody from all that has happened to her."

"She cares about me. She just doesn't show it very well."

"No, she's not prioritising others over me. She just cannot seem to let him go."

"She's been through a break up. She needs time to heal. Give her time. Try to understand her."

And all these excuses just keep circulating in my mind because I refuse to believe that you don't care, because despite my inherently fucked up nature I still believe in the good of people, I still maintain my positive outlook and blind faith in friends so I try and try, force myself to believe just as my heart's shattering apart, wiping away my tears just as I mutter under my breath that I need to smile and get through this cause the storm will eventually blow over and we'll be the best of friends again with the rainbow shining after the rain and everything will be okay if I believe in it with all my heart but now my eyes are wide open and I'm seeing everything with such clarity I can't even lie to myself and pretend that everything is fine and dandy cause it isn't and it hasn't been in such a long long while and my heart's bleeding from all this pain so why the hell am I lying to myself about this when I should have let go of this a long time ago. Now I'm so hurt I can't see past my walls of pain with all the thorns sticking out from the torn flesh of my heart and all the perforated wounds inviting bacterial infections and I'm cursing myself with such vigor cause fuck me I'm bloody dumb to have allowed this to escalate to this state just because I've prioritised someone's happiness over my own and I've shortchanged myself for you and you don't even give a damn.

But you know what, I can't do this anymore. 

And now I'm letting go of all this cause I can't do this any longer and you obviously don't even care so why the fuck am I holding onto something that's dead weight that will speed up my drowning process when I can let go of it and be free? Yes you'll be sad but you won't be for long. Whatever I don't even know if I'll care any longer cause my heart's just so numb towards you right now I can't even be bothered y'know.

I've never reached my limit of patience before but now, looking at you, I feel just two words in my mind:

I'm done.

And that's all I'm ending this blog post with. It's time I seek my own happiness instead of yours. Goodbye dear friend. Although you'll never read this blogpost, it still gives me pleasure and relief that I've finally let everything out and the weight is finally off my shoulders.

Now it's time for me to say goodbye.

I've spent the past two years chasing after your shadow. 

toxic friendships

Had a heart to heart talk with Shimin today. Like old times, we shared about ourselves; two lonely souls pouring out to each other under the HDB estate. Talking to her, I realised that we share the same way of thinking regarding our body images and yet we are drastically different in the way we treat people and the friends around us.

Let's be real, Shimin has many trust issues. While I have trust issues myself, mine are not as numerous and complicated as hers. Despite the bad things that have happened to me in my life, I've always remained rather optimistic about people. It's a character flaw I can't ever seem to get rid of. Shimin, on the other hand, is really cautious and selective about the people around her. Even around me, she doesn't share much and I've known her for 10 years now. She's an enigma like Sien. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even friends with them haha. Yet, it's with them that I feel the most comfortable and carefree.

Tonight, during the talk we had, I told her that I was tired of letting my heart be trampled on by others. People like to take advantage of my goodwill. I didn't want to state it so clearly at first, thinking to myself that it'll hurt the people around me but now, now I don't care. They don't appreciate me around. They only think of themselves. My happiness never matters and frankly speaking, I'm getting tired of it. I'm not the most patient human being in the world but this is my limit. I'm done. I've realised I don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring into my life.

I know I've brought that point up several times. I guess I just like emphasizing it. Think of it as a way of reinforcement. I'm finally standing up for myself. I want to keep this positive mindset forever. Just because I treat myself like shit doesn't grant others the right to treat me like shit. The problems of others are not of my concern. I can't keep putting myself out there. I'm tired. My heart's bleeding. It's time for me to heal, focus on myself and my family.

To be honest, relations between me and my family has seen a drastic improvement since last year. Unlike previous years, I've been showing more concern over my family's lives than I did before. I learned to talk to them, understand them, spend time with them... Yes, I'm making an effort here.

I just think to myself that it's really not worth it hanging out with people who make you feel like shit you know? Family always stays while friends come and go, so why am I spending so much time outside with people who don't matter when I should be spending time with people in my life who matter? And yes, if you're a really close friend to me, trust me, you'll feel it. You're already family in my eyes so the above sentences don't really apply to you haha.

Tonight, I'm feeling motivated. I'm finally picking up the pieces of my heart that was once broken. I've grown stronger so thank you to all the people who treated me like shit when I felt like shit, thanks to you, I've learned to treat myself like a queen when I truly feel like shit.

And to the people who treated me like a queen when I felt like shit, you guys are remarkable and I really love every one of you from the bottom of my heart. :)

P.S. Self reflection: Are you a blamer, complainer, drainer, shamer, discounter or a gossiper in someone else's life? 

If you are, it's time to change before the friendship ends. Trust me. You wouldn't want it to be too late! :)

The Piano Guys

The Piano Guys concert was awesome. There are literally no words I have to describe the feeling I had as I stepped into the theatre and glanced at the silhouettes of the cello and the piano for the first time. My heart was pumping wildly in my chest. It was such a foreign feeling - excitement. I hadn't felt this way in a long long time.

There wasn't anything for me to look forward to in my life. Sure, there's the Japan trip in June with my family, but as much as I'm happy and thankful for this opportunity to travel and bond, it isn't something I'm anticipating at all. Family holidays always end in quarrels. I want to hope that this will be an exception but I can't be so deluded in my thinking, can I?

Okay, here goes my negativity again. *rolls eyes at self* What happened to positive thinking, Amelia? You need to have a good mindset man. You need to be more optimistic about life! (Yes, self-talk is TOTALLY working, thanks Mrs. Vannan.)

Bringing the topic back to focus, I haven't felt this excited in a long long while. It just struck me as I was sitting in the theatre that excitement is really a wonderful emotion to feel. All of a sudden, I'm so thankful for my heart and my ability to feel, y'know? In that instant, I could readily admit to myself that I was am happy. It's just such a foreign feeling to me. Sitting there, feeling the atmosphere, humming quietly to myself... It was the feeling of contentment I thought I'll never experience again. Yet, I did. I'm thankful for that. I'm really very grateful for everything I got to experience tonight.

For the longest time, music was a source of painful memories for me. Yes, I learned and matured through band. I became stronger but I also received the worst criticisms in my life. I tend to avoid thinking of the past for that reason. It's not that I don't accept criticisms. I am fully aware that my leadership is short of perfection. In fact, if I was a section mate under my own leadership, I would have openly lodged a complaint against myself for the abuse I did with the leadership rights I had been given. I despised myself and I knew I was doing a poor job back then. Still, to openly critique my leadership skills on social media of which I had completely no idea of is a bit over the top, don't you think? You don't even give me the chance to reply to your feedback. Without this feedback loop, this so-called criticism had already transcended into defamation. I can't believe how stupid I was to not recognise it for what it was.

Now, I'm older. I'm wiser. I look back to those past memories and I can't believe how I'm still standing here without having already murdered half of the ex senior population in band. I don't want to badmouth my previous CCA but the politics in there are no joke. I'm thankful I'm out of that horrible place. Music was fun but they killed any love I had for the CCA.

I love my conductor. I love my instrument but thinking back to music always makes me sad. Music has this way of making me feel inadequate about myself. I'm forever not good enough. I was so upset with myself I wrote a letter to my tuba back when I was in Secondary 4 swearing never to touch that instrument again after SYF was over because I felt that I never deserved it in the first place. Music was something I loved but never deserved, or at least that's what I thought.

Chee Han asked me, "Why did you stop learning how to play the piano from Yi Lian?"

I gave him a vague reply in return. I don't know how to answer a question like that. Why did I stop playing the tuba? Why did I stop returning to band? At this point, I think it's pretty obvious that I have never stopped loving band nor have I ever stopped loving tuba. It's not my first love but it's my only love.

Trying to replace tuba with cello or piano doesn't work. I just keep returning to the same place over and over again. No matter how hard I try to distract myself from the urge, I keep returning to it like a lost child seeking her parents. Same goes for cutting. It's a habit. It's a source of comfort in a fucked up way. I've come to realise that old habits are really hard to break.

No, I'm not cutting now. Do I fear that I will cut again? Yes. Sometimes, I feel like this, whatever this thing is called, will never end. That's why I'm thankful for nights like this. Happiness is rare for me, much less hope, but for the first time in this two months, I feel hope again. That's why I was so quiet after the concert ended. Chee Han and Michelle thought I was still reeling from the performance The Piano Guys did. While their performance was remarkable, that was not the case. I was just so overwhelmed with the feeling of hope I didn't want to let go of that moment in time.

Even now, thinking of it, peace fills my heart. I am really very privileged to be able to attend their concert. Thank you, The Piano Guys and God for this miracle night. It's much appreciated by me.

And to all my friends out there, here's an inspirational quote for you all:

"There’s no such thing as a painless lesson. They just don’t exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can’t gain anything without losing something first although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you’ll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah, a heart made full metal."

-Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood)

P.S. No, I have not watched FMA yet. 

Changed blogskin

Hi guys. Changed my blogskin cause Vincent has returned to the blogging community due to my influence (yes I'm claiming full credit) but his current blog is using my previous background image so I had to change mine and what better image than Toothless the kawaii dragon?

Yes I know I'm obsessed over the movie. Whatever. I'll probably change my background image again but for now, Toothless it shall be. 

Now, I gotta go cause I have to bathe but if you guys are interested, I linked Vincent's blog under the links section at the right side of the screen. His blog is private though so be sure to pester him for permission before you click on it and feel like an idiot haha.

Bye guys. Good day to all of you.

rip phone

Dear beloved friends, my phone decided to take a dip in the toilet bowl and is now residing in heaven with all the lovely angels. As such, I am currently uncontactable and any attempts to reach me at my number will unfortunately be unsuccessful. My phone apologises for any inconvenience caused but regrets none of its actions. I seek your understanding for my traitorous phone. Thank you.

disappointment

I'm more calm than what I was before. The anger's still burning deep in me but at least it has reduced into a simmering flame in my heart. I'm still so angry but now, I've gotta let the hurt and disappointment in. It's time.

When I talked about this issue with Bryan, he said this, "Aiya, they also never experience this kind of people before ma."

I laughed out loud, literally LOL-ed. Can that even be used as an excuse? I didn't insult Carity the first time I heard about her background and she was the first friend I had that had a trife with the justice system in Singapore, so, does that make me a saint?

Just because you're ignorant of such issues does not automatically grant you the right to be rude and condescending. We're taught to be understanding as kids. What happened to the moral education lessons we were forced to take? We were TAUGHT to be kind to one another. There's no excuse for any of us.

Bryan said you're ignorant but damn it, ignorance is not a damn excuse. How many times are you going to plead ignorance? You knew the words would hurt me, yet, you ignored the potential implications and choose to type them out on the Whatsapp group. How is that action one that speaks of ignorance? It's downright manipulative and outright disappointing. Yes, I know, if you've never been through it, expecting you to understand these actions of self-harm is frankly speaking, asking too much of you. Hence, I kept my expectations low. What I never expected, however, was for all of you to treat it as a fucking joke.

Vincent summarised it for me perfectly: Well, from what I read, there are only two things that you could possibly be pekcek about: Firstly, it's the fact that they were taking Bryan's friend pretty lightly, saying things like asking her to kill herself and all, being inconsiderate to a fellow ex cutter like yourself. Secondly, it is how they made fun of your friend.

And he's right. That, in summary, is why I'm so pissed at them. They're inconsiderate. They're not understanding but like what Bryan said, "C'mon you know them for so long already. Understanding? *inserts laughter*" It'll never happen. They just aren't capable of it.

In that instant, it's like something in my mind snapped. The lyrics from 忘不記 by 家家 just kept playing in my mind: 我从求你 到求我自己别再玩这没输赢的游戏. 我没有放弃, 只是变聪明,

终于了解没有所谓的爱情. 放开我... ... 放开我... ...

I went from begging you to begging me, to stop playing this game that has no ending. I did not give up. I just became smart. I finally understood that 'Love' doesn't exist, so let me go... ... let me go... ...

And it's true isn't it? Why am I sticking with them if I don't agree with their views and get pissed by their actions? Life is short. I need to take it easy. Since we have differing views, it's easier if I drop it and let it go, it's easier for everyone this way. I should just let these friendships go. I know it's a matter of time I'll have a full blown conflict with them so it's better for me if I end it here. *laughs* It's really better isn't it?

P.S. I never imagine the day will come where the people in my church are actually more understanding than these people I once known as friends. #stillcan'tbelieveit

fuck people

Recently, or rather since a long time ago, I've been thinking about friendships in general and the crowd that I choose to surround myself with. Si En describes me as a person who likes to make others' troubles hers. I agree with her. I immerse myself so deeply in my friends' problems sometimes I forget that they are not my problems but others. It's technically none of my business and I always forget where to draw the line.

Today, in Whatsapp, Bryan asked: Guys, how would you approach a person who is cutting herself?

Huini: "Hey. I saw the scars on your arm. Are you cutting yourself?" Duh!

Justin: I'm not going to touch that with a 10-foot pole but there are pages that have guides on this. *insert links*

Yueyoong: Just tell the person she is being stupid for cutting herself and tell her she's better off killing herself. Might work as a wake up call.

Bryan: I don't think telling her that will work. She's damn weird.

Yueyoong: Then you just leave her alone hahaha.

Bryan: Say she's stressed volunteering at the clinic but still comes. EH CANNOT AH. Fellow junior in vet tech leh. I gotta feeling it's the syallabus. Maybe too crazy.

Yueyoong: No hope. Sorry. Hahahaha.

Bryan: Serious AH? Any ex penknife cutters got any advice to offer?

Yueyoong: I tell you already ah, just tell her to kill herself. She needs the wake up call.

Bryan: NO NO NO. This one ah I think if you say that she really will kill herself.

Yueyoong: Then she'll realise she wants to live.

Jessabel: Hahaha that won't work lol

Bryan: I know

Yueyoong: Nothing will work. It's a journey of self-discovery.

Huini: Get to know her lah. Maybe she cut cause of personal reasons.

Bryan: How?

Jessabel: Because cutting is a form of relief from pain, well internal pain that is ironically by inflicting themselves with physical pain

Yueyoong: She needs to snap out of it herself

And the conversation proceeds so horribly I don't even want to continue typing it out here. I feel so angry. It's burning hot inside me. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESSES YOU FUCKERS? Seriously, what the fuck. I'm so fucking pekcek I can't even type in proper English anymore.

You don't know how it's like, breathing but not living, smiling but not feeling, depressed but not crying, cutting but never ever stopping because your brain just isn't connected to your heart and you can't explain the addiction to yourself in your logical mind. You can't explain a damn thing except that the urge just keeps coming and before you realise it you're doing it again and again and again.

You let it consume you until you're trapped within your own body, stuck in an endless cycle of guilt, regret and self-loathing. You hate that you do it but without it you can't survive and you can't even fucking breathe. Cutting has become your life-line and you don't know how to get out of it cause without it you have fucking nothing left.

So who are you all high and mighty fuckers to pretend that you know something about having this darkness in your heart consuming your soul day and night? You'll never know how it feels like okay? You've never been fucking depressed before so shut the fuck up and stop pretending like this isn't a serious illness cause it damn fucking is and not some childish antics pulled off by hormonal teenagers.

Fuck the lot of them. To think I was hesitating if I should cut off all relations with them. Thank you guys, now I can do this without a single guilt. THANK YOU. And to my crush, I'm like fucking disappointed in you. Even more disappointed in the fact that I like you after all this time and you, like the many others I've liked before, turn out to be a total utter jerk so fuck you and fuck all the thoughts and stupid jokes that enter your head. Fuck my heart for being so stupid for liking someone whose thoughts are so fucking judgmental and childish and fuck this entire fucking shit.

I'm not desperate enough to hold onto this. You insult my religion and now you're moving onto cutting as well? The words y'all used are downright hurtful and the fact that you don't even find something wrong with it makes me doubt this 'bond' or 'friendship' we supposedly have. You even bring my friend's name into this. I don't care man. It's over. It's fucking over.

Fuck this shit. You know what, Amelia, you're stronger without them. Cause screw it, they will NEVER understand how it's like battling something inside you that you know you'll never win. They'll never understand it cause they haven't experienced it and while most others would be humble when faced with ignorance they apparently chose arrogance so fuck them.

Fuck this.

P.S. Bryan gets credit cause he genuinely wants to help our junior. Go Bryan go!

3 steps to a happy life

Now you know how to be happy. You're welcomed. :)

thankful as fuck

I'm seriously thankful for Cheehan, Vincent and Boonchua today. I felt really terrible for the entire day since my nose was clogged and my throat was a bit sore from all the sneezing. My symptoms weren't as bad at first but after volunteering at the cat museum, everything just went downhill.

For some reason, I'm really susceptible to flu and I don't know if it's allergies or not but staying in an air conditioned room always clogs up my nose and it irritates me to no end. I hate it when it rains when I sleep cause my body enjoys the cooling temperature but my nose doesn't and thus I'll get a blocked nose the moment I wake up. Thanks nose.

So, fatigue and aggravated flu symptoms got the better of me and I'll admit, my tolerance level turned pretty low as a result of that. I was really cranky by then and when Cheehan wanted to stay with the connect group (church people) to play ice breaker games, I outright whined and even dragged Cheehan away from them with all my might. Yes, I whined. I made some sort of high pitched wail that sounded like a turtle being squashed into a bottle by a dolphin. I was THAT upset. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to cry, okay? I was horribly embarrassed by my actions but I just felt so exhausted I wanted to just collapse there and then.

Perhaps it was the 12 hours shift of work yesterday. Perhaps it was the drinking with Justin, Huini and Yueyoong that did me in. I don't know but waking up today was torture and the subsequent hours (besides church) was so draining I just wanted to go home and collapse on my bed. I'm glad I didn't though. It was through the talk at Macdonalds just now that I felt I truly got to know Vincent and Dehuai better.

I guess the main point of this blog post is to really thank Chua Chee Han for being a good friend. Thank you for coming down from Dhoby Ghaut to Raffles Place just to entertain me for four long hours at my workplace yesterday. You made my day more interesting so I'm really grateful for that. Despite my incessant criticism of you, you never once said a word to me and even nodded dumbly in agreement. You truly are amazing.

Thank you for coming down today too. I wouldn't have lasted without you there. Thanks to Boon Chua too for making the trip to Marina Square just to have dinner with us. Because of you, I wasn't so awkward with the rest and was able to blend quite well with everyone else. Thank you.

Times like this, I'm really grateful to have the friends I have now, y'know? I hate the feeling of being vulnerable and stuff but it's nice to know that when you're vulnerable or sick, there's always someone out there to take care of you.

I couldn't have gotten by today without the enormous help from my friends. Thank you everyone. You rock. :)

Happy Easter everyone~

love

最近的我心情有些低落。我不知为何会这样，我甚至说不出心里的感受是什么。难过？伤心？失望？气馁？莫名的悲伤，莫名的孤单，这可能就是我的感受吧。并不是因为身边没有人陪，而是心灵上的感伤让我觉得很疲惫。

我跟自己说态度要乐观，要坚强，但望着遥远幸福的我却觉得很茫然。我所期待的幸福真的会实现吗? 距离太远，显得很渺茫。曾经期望的未来已转变成了过去的失望。我的心开始有了戒备，对外人也没那么坦然。

自己一个人走回家，思想在脑海里打转。学会聆听心里的呐喊，了解对自己的失望。发现了原谅不代表释怀，爱情不代表幸福，眼泪更不代表悲伤。就算眼泪在眼眶里含着，我的人也能快乐起来。

关心抹不去悲伤，爱情也未必会疗伤。这世界的人都错误了感情的意义，把自己的幸福交给别人来管，身上的疤痕也因此跟着爱情一起增长。原本充满了希望的他们，在爱情的面前最终举旗投降，所谓的幸福变成了矛盾的情感...

爱情顿时成了负担。

这应该就是爱情的真相。

“爱情不是幸福的所在。但一旦有了幸福，爱情就无所不在。”

感谢这宁静的夜晚，让我学会了爱情的定义和哲理。

"The future we believe in may turn out in different colours but like the flowers of spring, the scent of happiness will waft in the air through endless ages."