Friday, April 25, 2014

吃呢色 (chinese)

HELLO! 大家好么?在下就是大家所期盼的贵宾Amelia-sama。 哈哈哈哈。好啦!最近的确有点疯疯癫癫的。大家请别见怪咯~ 反正你们也习惯本娘的作风了吧~ 呵呵。;DD

今天用华语写博客你们看了一定觉得很稀奇吧?其实我也没什么特别的意思。我只是有点想念我华语罢了!想念华语?!对!你没有看错。我的确爱上了这个独特的语言。我甚至有可能往这个方面发展呢~ 当然,自己的华语程度又是另一个问题。= =  唉声叹气。。。为何我的华语那么烂啊?

哭-ing...

T________________________T

明天有测验的我怎么今天还那么闲着呀。难道我真的不怕死吗?= = 成绩考出来后我一定会哭到很凄惨的。我100%肯定。不过我也是自寻死路。明知道隔天有测验还在这玩电脑,读王道。我真的不要命了。像我这种懒猪还真是活该。

呜呜。。 可是我还是害怕不及格呀。(无可药救!-.-)我的行为怎么这么矛盾呢?

唉。。。

Amelia, 明天就是你的死亡的时间了。准备棺材吧~

(我又分心了。本来是想谈谈最近人生所发生的趣事,没想到我还是在发人生的牢骚呀。)

算了。我还是赶紧睡吧~

大家晚安!

MINNA-SAN OYASUMI NASAI~

><

P.S. 忘了诗敏还没读我第一次用华语写的允在王道呢~ 我就在这边把短篇发上传了。读了请别见怪。我的华语程度真的很烂哈哈哈。



《最幸福的幸运》


“但愿时间能停留在过去的回忆里 ,因为我还没有失去你的勇气。”


时间过了,伤口也痊愈了。曾经那狂野的爱情故事现今也只成了人生中的一个小站点。就如一枚枯萎的花朵般,那故事随着迎来的风飘走了,消失得无影无踪。或许自己还保有些遗憾吧,在中嘀咕地想起着过去的时光,但有了遗憾又能怎样呢?时间不能倒流,死人也不能复活,就算有了遗憾,他也没办法。人生还有很长的路要走。他也只能背着这些遗憾继续往前走,一起与身边的亲朋好友迈向人生的终点站。


“在想些什么呢?” 允浩好奇地问道,“想到那么入神。叫你三次了都没反应!”


说着说着,允浩嘟起了嘴,语气稍微不耐烦地瞪着眼前的人——金在中。


“没什么啦!” 在中笑着回应道,“我只是想起过去的事情罢了!”


“你想想,我们现在不是很快乐吗?” 他继续说着。“为此,难道你不觉得很幸运吗?别人想要我们这么幸福恐怕还没那么容易呢。”


允浩邹了邹眉头,满脸不屑。“你又在想些什么东西呀?没头没理的!真跟不上你的思想路程。什么幸福不幸福的。说什么怪东西。”


“什么怪东西啊!” 在中不满抱怨道,“人家可是很认真,很严肃地在跟你交换心头,你在那边胡扯什么!”


“我没有胡扯啊。事情本来就没什么问题的干嘛要把它想到那么复杂啊?什么叫幸运?什么叫幸福?不就是天天和你所爱的人在一起就叫做最幸福的幸运了吗?”


允浩这么的一爆发就完全把在中给说傻了,怔怔地看着他,一言不发。


“喂!你怎么了?听我的话听傻啦?” 允浩温柔地骂道。


见着允浩带点焦虑的眼神地望着自己,在中终于回过神来。


“没什么。” 他眯着眼睛笑道,”只是很感激上帝让我遇见我人生中最幸福的幸运:你。”


说完,在中便轻吻了允浩的脸颊,使他害羞地脸红了起来,整张脸顿时如苹果般鲜艳,立刻引起了旁人的注目。听着旁人的闲言闲语,又望着眼前快被气疯的允浩先生,在中打从心低开怀大笑了,完全忽略了可怜的允浩的感受。


“幸福或许就是那么容易争取的吧!” 在中感叹道,“不管之前所承受过的伤害,不理过去所持有的遗憾,只要继续往人生的道路前进,迟早有一天一定会遇上专属于自己的幸福,而就在相遇的那一分秒钟,这偶然的相遇便会被称为最幸福的幸运。"


——结束——

Thursday, April 17, 2014

emotional switch

My kitchen's so empty now I still can't get used to it. I will turn my head back but there's nothing there anymore. No more hamsters. No more squeaky noises. Nothing. The silence is overwhelming. I don't think I've ever had such silence in the kitchen before.

I want back my noisy kitchen. :( Anything that would bring my hamster that dammit. So much for waiting for it to die huh? -,-

Had fish and mouse practical today. Everything's so surreal now. It all just seems like a dream haha. Working with the mouse was okay. Julian and I got a good mouse. Didn't attempt to bite. Didn't care for the most part. Love it. :) (Probably not a good idea to get emotionally attached to it since I'm sure it'll die in the end)

Anyway, I was paired with Huini for fish practical and as we were cutting the fish open, she said this, "Someday, all these things we do are gonna catch up to us."

I said, "Yeah."

A non-committal response, because I don't know how to reply otherwise. Truth is, we all have that little demon inside of us don't we? It's begging for release. It's demanding our attention. This little monster that enjoys watching others suffer in pain...

I think I turn more crazy after joining this course. Huini describes this as having an 'emotional switch'. Sometimes you switch it on, sometimes you've gotta switch it off. I'm like that too. I didn't realise it but during practical today, I was really afraid of hurting the mouse at first. Then, after numerous failed attempts, the switch in me closed. I felt nothing from that point on.

The more the mouse in my hand squeaked, the more nonchalant I got. I had only one objective: insert that damn tube down its stomach. I did it in the end. I'm not happy nor proud to say it. Poor mouse was so stressed out. Ha. It didn't even do anything to me. Why am I treating it this way? Times like this, I question my own humanity.

It's funny, isn't it? Quote Bryan, "They desensitize us and yet expect us to empathize with the clients."

What kind of logic is that? I don't understand it at all. If you want us to lose our hearts then stop asking us to empathize with the clients cause we'll be unable to do it. If you keep asking us to kill animals and tell us how our methods are killing these poor things, then don't expect us to feel a single shred of pity in our hearts when something drops dead in front of us.

I can't even 'on' my emotional switch just now. Reading the text from my sister that my hamster had died, I immediately rushed home from church. My eyes were teary and red. Yet, the moment I reached the bus stop at Paya Lebar, my emotions shut down. I was just back into 'stoning' mood. No emotions again. Ha. I wonder if Vet Tech will be successful in desensitizing us in the end.

I remember telling Huini this, "Just don't form emotional attachment to the fish."

She said, "It's not that easy to do. Maybe it is for you, but it isn't for me."

No. It isn't easy for me but you can't keep harping on all the things you've killed. I don't know. You'll drive yourself mad right? I'm already driving myself mad now. All these thoughts... Sometimes I just don't know. I played with fish blood and I'm not guilty about it. I have blood on my hands. Where's the guilt and remorse man?

I've got nothing now. Zero. Nein. Yet, despite my cold indifference towards the laboratory animals, my heart weeps at the absence of my hamster. (even when I was the one who could have prevented its condition in the first place)

Its body was fucking black man. There was no fur but scabs everywhere. Seeing the body made me cry. Screw emotional switches. Screw everything of that man. There's nothing left in me anymore. Nothing. Once that damn flood of tears is out, it'll come pouring and drowning everyone in it. It'll overwhelm everyone including me. Especially me. I just don't know how to feel anymore.

I miss my hamster, I hate myself. That would be a summary of my feelings. My emotions are evading me and I'm letting them go cause I don't wanna face it myself. I don't wanna think of all the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. I don't want to think what might have happen if I had brought it to see the vet. I don't want to let my brain roam free.

I can't even write now. I fear what I will write with this emotions of mine. Writing requires emotions after all and with what I have now, my fic will probably be about this psychopath girl struggling to feel guilty for all the murders she has committed but fails terribly at each attempt.

Hmm.. I just suck huh? :(

#hatelife

Friday, April 11, 2014

Dressvolution~ :)

Congrats to Elsie on getting the interview and happy belated birthday to Michelle! Wish you both the best of luck. :)

And that's all I wanted to blog about. Teehee~
























And pictures of me to scare you as well:





(the oh so perfect figure I have lost. :( How on Earth was I 51kg back then?)







I personally think I changed a lot in terms of appearance and personality. I'm definitely more emotional than who I was in the past but the good thing about this is I've become more understanding as a result. :)

And here's the last picture... (a picture I actually found myself looking quite pretty hahaha. *bhb*)


Teeheeeeee~

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

lost inside myself



The image summarizes what I feel now. Lost. It's like I'm stuck in a internal labyrinth. I'm struggling to find the way out but all I see every time I turn a corner is yet another turn. There never seems to be an end. I'm just walking with no purpose. No. I'm not walking. I'm drifting...

I'm not complaining about my life here. My life's perfect. Great family and all. What's there to complain? I don't have parents telling me to die on a daily basis. I don't have real serious financial issues to worry about. Hell. I even have holidays. The concept is so utterly foreign to me I'm so glad and thankful I have it.

I am, in every sense possible, free. Yet, why do I still feel trapped? People say being suicidal is selfish. Now that I think about it, perhaps it really is. In fact, all the thoughts that are running through my head right now, they're probably wrong. They're most likely selfish. That still doesn't change the fact that they are tempting thoughts.

I saw Sheryl tweeting. She said she wanted to cut but she didn't have a penknife. I looked at her tweet and I paused for a moment. It was just a moment but at that point of time, that thought entered my head. No. I wasn't gonna cut. I was wondering. What drove her to tweet that? What drives us insanely sad in this modern day society?

I know I'm half insane. I'm a walking contradiction. My true feelings contradict my actions. I want to open up to my fellow Christian friends yet I'm afraid to. I wish for a closer relationship with my parents yet I don't take the first step. It's like everything that I actively want in life, I avoid. Is there anything on this world that I'm not afraid of anymore?

I'm starting to drift away from many of my friends. I can't even bring myself to care. Some of them, I'm not close to to begin with. Others are not even worth mentioning. I swear to God, if school reopens and she irritates me to no end with her questions, I WILL tell her to fuck off. Don't doubt me. I'm in a prissy mood these days.

It's so easy for me to quarrel with anyone right now. I'm starting to speak words without filtering them. I don't give a fuck if I offend anyone. It's best if I do. Maybe then they'll leave me alone so that I can ponder on the fact that I'm a fucking selfish horrible asshole and that perhaps might be what I need to snap myself out of the illusion I'm in.

Sometimes I wonder, am I really going mad? I don't agree with 50% of my thoughts these days. They're not all negative. They're just weird. Plain weird. I don't know how else to describe them. Maybe I'm the weird one that's why. Hmmm...

Let's see. I've got a new found irritation of hanging out in cliques. I've gotten so good at quarreling with someone I can quarrel with another human within seconds. I prefer being alone most of the time. I've turned to fantasizing to avoid reality yet the imagination isn't helping me to write or do anything productive. Oh. Writing has turned into a burden for me instead of being the only thing I've loved to do in this world.

It's official though. I've left writing. Gonna remove fics from my Asianfanfics once I'm mentally ready for it. I don't care what people say. Think me insane, call me mad, my fics mean so much to me it literally pains me to remove them off the Internet. It's through these fics that I've received encouragement and motivation to study. Now, without them, what can I even do?

Yet, I can't write anymore even if I want to. It's just words now. There's hardly any feelings. Every single time I try to type something out, it turns into trash. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. It's just rubbish rubbish and plain old rubbish. Even the garbage truck has better trash than this. I'm so fucking disappointed in myself I can't even read what I write. Why? WHY? My writing has degraded from that of a 16 year old standard to a 12 year old standard. It's juvenile writing. It's nothing.

I can't even do what I love anymore. I kinda envy Sheryl now. She draws to relieve stress. At least she's good in something. I can't even write now. What am I left with? School is school. My results are average, just like me. There's nothing I'm exceptionally good in. People say: Find your niche and make it your career.

They don't know. I'm not as lucky as them. I can't find my own niche. I tried but nothing pops into mind. I'm like the plain Jane you see in school. Not important enough to be remembered but significant enough to have its existence noted. Yes. That's me now. Downright pathetic.

Circles. Squares. Diamonds. Rocks. Papers. Scissors. What eats me and what do I eat? In the end, we're just living this circle of life, waiting to get eaten and waiting to eat. There is no end. There are only turns. For life has no end in sight, but has trials and tribulations to keep you on the toes as you turn yet another corner in the labyrinth of life.

l.o.s.t.
  i.n.s.i.d.e.
m.y.s.e.l.f.