:( JUNG YUNHO YOU IDIOT

I know I said I won't blog again but these two pictures just broke my heart.

They're too straight to be scratches. They're too many to be papercuts. I tell myself that I'm thinking too much but they look so much like the wounds of the past it breaks my heart.

Yunho ah, please, just this once let me be mistaken. You don't deserve this please. :( You're better than this! Please. :( :( Take care of yourself mentally and physically. :(( Yunho... :(((

I'm just so upset by this. :(

Yunho, saranghaeyo~

"Superstar or not, everyone is human underneath the skin."

untitled

I did not wish to blog about this at first. It's no one business but mine and Michelle's. Then, I thought to myself, I created this blog because I wanted to be honest about my life. Yet, I have not been transparent as of late. Today, I decided, I shall be frank. I will be true to myself.

I would like to add a sidenote though: This will be my last entry in this blog. I've been thinking of closing this blog since ages ago. At first, I wanted to privatise this blog to allow only certain readers to read but that will be too cruel to some of my friends. They are my friends. Don't they deserve a right to read too? Yet, my mind shudders at that thought. It's too vulnerable for me to put myself out there. It's scary even. So, in conclusion, I decided I will stop blogging altogether. I started blogging because I wanted to connect with my friends. Now, I've lost that desire. I still want to connect with my friends but not all of them. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being blamed.

Yesterday, Michelle and I shared a conversation on Whatsapp. I haven't gotten her permission to publish it so I won't. In summary, she felt apologetic cause she was not there for me when I needed her to be. She feels that I've withdrawn from her and she blames herself for it. She didn't know what else to add but she tells me she really believes in me and she thinks I will succeed.

Since my reply is of my words, I'm typing it here:

Michelle, I honestly don't know what to say. Yes, I've withdrawn from you but this has been a long thing happening now. The only time I shared with you was the day we talked at the swing in Bishan Park remember? I told you everything and you listened. It felt great but everything resumed to its normal state the very next day. I don't blame you or me for you not opening up to me, just like how I don't want you to blame yourself when I don't open up to you. Truth is, we probably aren't that comfortable around each other yet. That's why. We may be friends. We may know each other for yers but let's get real, how much time have we actually spent with each other? 

Before you went to Harbin, we were close to a certain extent, but when you were there, you shut yourself from me first. When I was skyping with you, our conversations always ended within seconds. I thought we would be like old friends screaming at each other across countries but soon I realised, no, it doesn't work that way. We've distanced because of the distance. Maybe it isn't your fault. Maybe it's mine. Or maybe this is just the whole arduous process of growing up. Some friends are meant to stay with each other for a lifetime. Some friends are not. I'm not saying I want to break my friendship with you or anything like that. We're way past that level of immaturity. We can still be friends. We are still friends. I'm just honestly telling you here that hey, I'm not confident it'll last.

I don't think I'm a really selfless friend nor do I think I've always been there for you every step of the way. I've let you down sometimes just like you have let me down. We're equal in that regard. I don't think there needs to be any blaming done. 

I'm thankful you're sharing your thoughts with me now. I don't see the need for an apology though. In my eyes, this is bound to happen. People grow up. People fall apart. Some stick together like glue. Others repel each other. I may like you and you may like me but science has taught us through the magnets we have that mutual likes ain't enough to maintain a relationship and sometimes, like poles repel each other. I don't think I have anything else to add but I guess I'll express my thanks for your words are kind but the truth is, they're not reaching my heart.

Vincent was talking to me about it. He says he can't believe that I felt nothing after what happened yesterday, even after he had told me that Michelle cried. Yes, he said that Michelle cried because she thought that the friendship between me and her was ending and he did not believe my indifference.

You know, it's not that I don't care. I just think it's easier to focus on anger than any form of emotion that will follow thereafter. Also, it might be because I'm so used to feeling pain at this point that it's normal to me. It's just like breathing, I'm used to it. It's a routine.

Vincent asked me, "So why didn't you spill it out with her yesterday? Why didn't you settle everything with her?"

I didn't do it cause I don't want to. Just like how I rejected Yilian's heart to heart talk. It's the same thing. I don't want to talk about my feelings anymore. Why should I? If you can't even tell by now, you're blind and I need not say further. 

I'm not slamming any of my friends or anything. Michelle is a nice person. Yilian is a nice person. They are all nice people. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's cause we just don't have the affinity. Maybe it's just fated to be. I don't know. I don't hold all the answers in this complicated equation of friendship.

I just want to say this: I'm sick and tired of people apologising to me. Seriously, stop it. Didn't I mention it before? Apologies don't mean a thing to me after the whole Sheryl fiasco. Maybe you're sincere. Maybe you're not. I don't care. If I have to keep second guessing your emotions, you're no longer my friend. Simple as that. I don't want to drag this on any longer.

The truth is, I'm not comfortable around 80% of my friends. I can count the friends I'm comfortable with on one hand. What does this tell you? I made many friends in polytechnic but now I've realised, what's the point in numbers if I'm emotionally hurt almost all the time? I've given up on friendships to be honest. I've given up on the idea of a long-lasting friendship.

When I told Vincent that everything will end someday, I truly believe it. I prepare myself everything. I tell myself to think of the possibility that I'll be left alone someday. Sounds pessimistic but it's true. Everyone will leave one day. It's just a matter of time and now, I'm just doing advance preparation.

I like the quote in the picture above. 

"When a friend leaves you, you move on. When a best friend leaves you, a part of you is gone."

So to Michelle, I wanna tell you this. You're not crying because of our lost friendship. You're crying for the piece of you that is lodged in my soul, just like how I've cried for mine ages ago. Listen, I never did intend to break my friendship with you. We're still friends. We're just not best friends. I've repeated the same conversation to Yilian too. If you have any doubts or queries, ask her. You might even bond over this wounded experience and who knows? You might gain yourself a best friend again.

That's all I have to say.

Thank you for reading my blog up to this date. I'm really thankful and grateful for your constant support. Maybe one day I'll blog again but for now, goodbye.

Warm regards
Amelia

an 'inspiration'

I was just watching S.H.E. videos and crying myself to death when Tingwei texted me that she read my previous blog entry. The more she talked, the more sad I feel so yeah, I decided to save the day by blogging a new entry since it was my previous blogpost that made her sad in the first place haha.


Honestly, there's so much weighing on my mind. If I were to blog earlier today, it'll be the normal Amelia angsty emo blog post again. Thankfully, I didn't. I wouldn't wanna expose that selfish side of me haha. Contrary to what people think, I do care about my image. I care about what people think.


It's hard letting people into my heart. I never knew I had such a problem until I truly reflected upon myself. Indeed, I would tell all of my friends what's bothering me or what's going on in my life but rarely do I explain the feelings I have when such a thing occurred or how it has impacted me emotionally.


I don't have much to say haha. While I was watching S.H.E.'s videos just now, the tears just kept flowing from my eyes. At first, I thought it was because I was envious of their friendship. Then, it struck me. I do have those friendships right before my eyes. I may not be the most sociable being on the planet but I have friends who care, friends who will always be there for me no matter what.


When I went out with Shimin one day, she said, "其实你也是忍了我好几年."


And I replied, "彼此彼此。"


Cause that's what friendship is about isn't it? Always being there for each other without fail. So many times I've tried to convince myself that friendships fade, that friendships don't matter but the truth is, they do and I love each and every single one of you so desperately.


(I know I sound like a lesbo but I promise I'm not.)


When anyone of you are in pain and I can't do anything to help, the helplessness haunts me. I can't stop to tell everyone how much you've helped in my life. You guys make my life a life worth living. I know that time flies. I know that people come and go in this life and sometimes, there's nothing that we can do to stop it. I know that we all grow up too fast. Sometimes, in this world that's ever changing, we forget the things that matter the most. We're stuck in an infinite race to success but we never stop to think about the things that have stuck throughout the years - like you and me.


Years have passed and years will pass. Death will come. We'll all die eventually. Si En was showing me the eulogy her school asked her to write for one of her assignments and I don't know why, reading her eulogy, I actually feel sad. I never told anyone this but I think I've dreamt of every single one of my friends dying before. I cried so much at Shi Min's one. It's not that I'm particularly biased to her or what. It's just that somehow in my dream, I was asked to give an eulogy for her funeral. I remember the words I've said and the tears that flowed down my cheeks. I remember walking through Mayflower Secondary School passing by every single spot that we used to play in and crying cause the emptiness in me just overruns any possible happy memory out there. I don't know why I'll dream of something as horrible as that but I did and even now, thinking about that dream makes me cry.


I love to play the game, "What if?" and I love to ask nonsensical questions. When I was playing with Yi Lian one day, I asked her, "If you were asked to present a speech at Tingwei's funeral one day, what would you say?"


And as we were play-pretending, I could see the tears welling up in Yilian's eyes as she was speaking. She ended after four sentences cause she said she didn't want to play anymore. I could tell it was affecting her. It affected me too. It's not that I like to think about death all the time. It's just the that that Death's everywhere. Death robs us of our close kin and we can't do anything to stop it. Even if your brain knows that people age and die someday, your heart can't comprehend it and you can't let go.


I can't tell you how it's like missing someone who's dead. Suffice to say, I panicked when Nelli wanted to commit suicide. I know how it feels like missing someone who's dead. I don't want to add anyone to that list if possible, much less my friends who really hold a place in my heart. Despite the past mistakes, I still love you, every single one of you.


I guess my point is just this, it's tough facing life sometimes and it's scary when you think how fleeting time actually is but let's just treasure the current moment shall we? I don't want to think of the possibility of the future of Death but it's there and it happens. Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's someone in your life that's facing Death but here all I want to say is just this:


No matter what happens, life goes on. When you're sad, time moves as well. Instead of feeling sad over something that has not yet happened, treasure the time you have now instead. Don't miss a dying person. Miss them when they're dead and remember them with your heart. What's the point of preparing for loss when you've not lost anything yet? What's the point of grieving when a heart's still beating? If the clock is counting down to the end of the days then use this time to show the world the brightest smile you can ever give. Let a dying person live; not by the breaths he/she takes in but in the hearts of the people surrounding them.


Death takes away but death also teaches. I do not thank Death but I know if not for Death, I wouldn't treasure Life. If not for the possibility of my heart stopping, I will never treasure the effort it takes for my heart to pump a single beat in my body. Can you imagine the complicated neurological processes that goes in ensuring you even have a heartbeat? I can't..


So, treasure life guys. Time flies and we may not have been who we are before but we're breathing and we're alive and that's all it takes to survive through another day. The rainbow will come after the storm but through all the season changes, know that I'll always be there, for better or for worse.


#marriagevows


-end-


P.S. I should mention here that my first long running fanfiction, The Phone Call was actually named after the first phone call Yilian and I had that brought us together. Things may not be the same now but I thought you deserved to know that.


P.P.S. Si En, I just want to say that I'm grateful for every moment spent with you. It's the most relaxing I've ever been so thank you.


P.P.P.S. Shi Min, we've been friends for a long time. Even though I know the 'Sheryl' issue has made you mad, I'm still thankful that you still care enough to tell me I'm being an idiot. Thank you.


P.P.P.P.S. Elsie, oh Elsie, I'm really sorry for rejecting your 'jogging' sessions you know? Haha. But your lovely text message made me smile. ;) Elsie, I never pretended to be happy when I was with you cause I am ALWAYS happy when I'm with you so thank you. :)


P.P.P.P.P.S. Nelli, I don't know what to say to you haha. Thank you for being there I guess? Even though I keep rejecting your care and concern. You've been infinitely patient with me. *throws medal to you* Study hard and faster graduate okay? I promise we won't lose contact unless you marry an ang mo.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I'm leaving the last space for you cause you're the person who inspired this blog post and not to be cheesy or what but you literally help me live through each day of my life and I can't even begin to thank you for that. When I was so upset today you listened even though I'm sure you're not supposed to use your phone in the office. I was so close to cutting to be honest but somehow texting you grounded me and I managed to contain the frustration within. (also cause the penknife is rusty and I don't want to get tetanus). I know you're horrible and miserable in your internship. I know that bad things are happening in your life now and you're helpless to it. I don't know what to say but I'll tell you this: It really does get better. I mean, some things are irreplaceable but as the many people that leave, so many more people will come. I don't even have the simplest of faith but for you Tingwei, I really do see a bright future. I don't have much to say to you cause I have a feeling if I start, I'll never stop and I'll end up crying and that is just so plain sad I don't want to start so Tingwei, just know that I'll always be there for you no matter what. I have never relied on someone as heavily as I have relied on you but somehow, you've always never failed to show me that you are someone that I can rely on so now, I hope I can be someone you can rely on.


不要难过了, ok?


I shall end with this picture:

tired tired

There's so much to do but I haven't been doing anything at all. It's the last lap now. I should be working hard. I can practically see the goal ahead. I should be running on but I'm barely dragging my feet forward. I'm so tired, both mentally and physically.

I don't know why I'm even feeling this way. Every smile just becomes more tedious than before. Speaking to people has turned into a hassle. If this is the rain before the rainbow, then I wonder how long will this thunderstorm in my life last.

On one hand, I feel really ungrateful. I know others have it tough out there. I'm living comfortably in one of the more modernised countries in this world. There's really nothing I should be unhappy about. but the truth is, I'm still upset.

There's just so many things in my life that I guess I feel like I can't ever live up to. I have poor time management skills yet I'm holding onto so many commitments. I feel like I'm being pulled apart at the seams. I feel oddly fragile.

Every morning, I'll wake up and drown myself in fanfiction stories. It helps keep my mind off the set of tasks I have to accomplish. Looking at the things I have to do, I just feel so overwhelmed. Instead of being motivated, I feel burdened. I don't want to even start. That's the extent of fatigue I'm talking about.

Here's my current list now:

1. Revamp my entire Major Project (MP) report and get started on my Student Internship Programme (SIP) report. 

2. Update my MP logbook (one entry)

3. Update my SIP logbook (one reflection)

4. Write a personal statement for my university application

5. Book driving practical lessons and internal evaluation for FTT

6. Print out birthday cards for VAO (my cca)

7. Edit the recent chapter of Kajima Yunho yah that my coauthor has sent me and discuss the story development with her.

8. Write the epilogue of The Phone Call

9. Continue the damn story I was supposed to work with Elsie on Google Drive

And that's all that I can think of at the top of my mind. I just have so many things I want to accomplish and it's just so insane sometimes. I know my friends have been telling me to take things one step at a time but it just feels so stupid when I can do all at the same time. I know I can do it. I mean, come on, I managed to multi task when I was in Secondary Four. Why can't I do it now?

I feel like the person I was back then is longer the person I am now. For starters, the girl back then wouldn't hesitate to pursue her passions and dreams. Now, I don't even believe in dreams coming true. I think it's loads of bullshit to be honest. I'm just a girl who has given up all hope in her life. I just stop believing in myself.

It's ridiculous sometimes. Shimin asked me if I wanted to continue playing tuba. I did not reply in return. She deduced that I did not want to continue playing tuba because I knew it would take a huge effort to return to my previous playing standards. While that is a huge reason why I'm reluctant to pick that instrument back up again, it is not the main reason. I just don't think that I can continue playing tuba anymore. My heart has died.

Recently, we went to an overseas university fair. Along with Shimin, we applied to two universities. I don't know why I even bothered trying but I did. When I went home, I remembered telling my mother, "If I can enter NTU, I won't think of the overseas universities."

My mother was shocked since she didn't know I had an interest in NTU so she asked which course I was interested in NTU. 

I told her this, "English, even though I won't stand a chance. I'll probably try Linguistics as well. I might even apply to be a teacher."

My mother blinked her eyes and asked, "A teacher?"

I replied her, "Yes, a teacher, even though I have completely no interest in it."

"Then why bother applying?"

"Because it brings in the money."

And it was in that instant as I was talking to her that I realised that somewhere along the way, I have surrendered to society's demands. I stopped trying to find my passion. I have given up. 

Some of my friends have found their passions. Others have the courage to dream. I have neither. My heart beats but there's no life behind it. I just give up, okay? Regarding driving, regarding band, regarding everything else in my life, I give up.

I can't even manage church relations now. Everything is falling apart. I'm stuck in slow motion with my eyes wide open as everything breaks off into dust. I can't find the motivation to do anything anymore.

By the way, contrary to popular belief, writing is not my passion. It's my hobby, yes, but it's not my passion. I wouldn't die if I did not write. I'll still live. Writing isn't a necessity. Besides, my interest in it has slowly dwindled over the years. I no longer care if I write or I don't.

In the card that Nelli made for me for Christmas, she left a segment blank and she wrote this:

Write down your plans for the new year 2015.

Till now, the space remains.

Maybe I just don't have plans anymore.

journey through the past part 1

Today, I had an epiphany. I realised that I don't want to give up on life. I know it sounds stupid but that's the truth. I don't want to give up on myself. I don't want to stop fighting, you know what I mean? I think it's supposed to be common sense (like who gives up ever? *roll eyes*) but it's only at this moment that I've discovered the hidden resolve in myself. I thought I lost it but hey, it's still there.

Recently, or rather two weeks back, I packed my room and in that process, found my diary. It documents my primary school and secondary school days. Reading it, I realised that I really grew a lot. I'm no longer the kid I was in primary or secondary school. I've matured yet in a corny way, my heart has remained the same.

Here, I'll type a few entries for you... (I've edited them to make my kiddish language legible. Oh yeah! Shimin, apparently I had many conflicts with you in Sec One. Ignore the rash and impulsive me back then okay? I never censored anything from my diary so a lot of entries is shoot you de... :X PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR SOMETHING I SAID WROTE SIX YEARS AGO OMG. *begs for forgiveness*) 

9/12/07 (Pri 6) 

Hearing the song 'Graduation' from Vitamin C... The lyrics talk of graduation. Makes me so sad. 转眼间，一年就过去了。我也很想念我的朋友，我的老师。一想到我即将离开我的朋友和跟我一起成长六年的城景小学就让我很想哭。我每次都在想多几个月才会毕业所以不要紧，但当我想要毕业的时候，我却很难过，很不舍。我知道我们迟早会毕业，会离开，但是我好难过。不过，我相信我们还会是朋友的。不管我们有没有进同一个学校，我们还是永远的朋友！T-T 我... 真的会成功吗？在人生的道路上会成功吗？我不知道也不在乎。我只知道我一定会用功读书，努力做一个好女孩！我要懂事，不可以那么幼稚。所以，我会努力的！朋友们，当你们与我相遇时，你们一定会大吃一惊！哈哈。^^ 我永远会记住你们！Muacks! T-T T-T 再见了! 我... 我不知道要说什么。其实，我最喜欢城景的第四和第六年。Elsie Tay Ya Xin, Winnie Chong Jia Min, Cherine Chan Pei Yong... and so on. I must get into the same school as you all! (JC or poly) 加油！Gambatte! 

Signs off, 

难过+开心的amelia choo

21/12/07 (Sec One) 

Nena going to Mayflower! ^^ Same class as me! ^^ 1D. The class number so weird lo. Btw, the uniform and the tie sucks like hell man. OMG! Bright red flowered tie with beige uniform! Can't stand! Okay. Mayflower's okay okay but 262 wait very long lo. Met Chuan Zhen at bus stop. He (said) he's going to Bishan Park. I bet he lied to me! Went to Mayflower and I don't know anybody. Orientation on 27-28 Dec. Walao! My house colour's black (Griffin) btw. Anyway, we cannot take Merit CCAs as a first CCA. So kns right? That means I have to take a core cca! Which means I cannot take clubs la! Idiotic! Kk! I going off. Cause I wanna see my sis play Maple! Bb!

28/12/07 (Sec One) 

Orientation for two days very tiring lo. Very tired, you know? Anyway, orientation is ok-ok, so-so. Our class won second prize btw. Got lots of sweets. Haha! ^-^ Okies.. That's all for today! 

P.S. MF (mayflower) sucksP.P.S. Hate a guy called Terry in our class. Worse than JC (Jiacai). We (me and Nena) called him Cherry lol. Btw, we're thinking of joining choir.

2/1/08 (Sec One)

School reopen so sianz la. The teacher just keep crapping and crapping. Make me wanna sleep. I still need to learn basic Malay la. So crap! Whatever. I come back home sleep liaoz. Too tired. Haha. ^-^ Okay. That's all for today. 

P.S. Shimin go Mayflower!

4/1/08 (Sec One) 

Today CCA exhibition. I can make three choices for CCA so my first choice is Concert Band, then second is Chinese Orchestra then third is choir. That's all. I gtg to the audition to know the results. That's all for today. 

P.S. Today finally can play computer! ^^ Wait for very long~

8/1/08 (Sec One) 

I'm officially in band! I'm playing tuba. Very big and heavy but I like. Something like a trumpet. Produce very low sound la. My studies ok ok lo. That's all for today. JY JY! 

Loves, 

Amelia

P.S. I'm becoming more daring liao 

P.P.S. I'm FINALLY in band!

16/1/08 (Sec One) 

Sorry for not writing. There are two reasons for it: 

1. Too lazy 

2. Nothing much 

So you must have guessed that something happened. Yes! I had a quarrel with Shimin and I seriously don't give a damn if Shimin don't accept my apology cause I don't care. It's surprising cause last year I was clinging on the but now, no feelings! Okay. That's all the updates. Will write if Shimin and I are friends. 

Loves  

Amelia

16/2/08 (Sec One) 

Sorry for not updating...Shimin and I are still friends by the way. That's just the updates. 

Loves 

Amelia

18/2/08 (Sec One) 

Haizs... Had a 'sort' of problem with Shimin. If she has a problem with my attitude, that's her problem! I don't intend to change my attitude over her lohs. 

Loves  

Amelia

SEE HOW IMMATURE I AM OMG. *slaps self slaps self* That's my secondary one entries by the way. It's 90% bitching about band and Mr Tan (OMG MR TAN HOW COULD I OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *kowtows in shame*) and complaining about Shimin (Don't fault me for something I wrote six years ago omg.).

Here... to save my skin...

26/5/08 (Sec One) 

I HATE HIM!!! Why did he have to hurt Shimin so much? He's a sucker, a bastard, a fucker! He can die for all I care!!! Idiot!! Hate him! I feel like killing him. You know what he replied when I asked him?!! Forget it ba. Also not his fault. Shimin so poor thing.. Haizs.. Why has love got to be this hard for her??

SO AM I REDEEMED YET? :(( (P.S. it's Mother Nature I'm referring to btw)

Moving on to Sec Two...

I GIVE UP. So many immature quarrels between Shimin and I. OMG Shimin. HOW MANY TIMES DID WE FUCKING QUARREL OMGGGG. Let's label it as the Shimin-Sien era cause at that point of time somehow Shimin thought Sien was influencing me to quit band and that led to a WHOLE BIG BAD ISSUE of conflict and me bitching about Shimin. Don't worry, Shimin. It's all immature words falling on the lines of... "She said my attitude very bad" etc.

Okay.. Let's move on to the parts with Sien so she has something to read hahaha... Sorry Tingwei, Yilian and Michelle, we weren't close in sec two hahaha. There's only Sheryl, Nena, Sien and Shimin mentioned in my diary entries. (Plus Jovin and Aik Kein in the beginning. KILL ME.)

By the way, Sec two was when I started breaking down so the entries are going to be emo...

18/1/09 (Sec Two) 

As 2008 passes and 2009 arrives, changes will obviously happen. Now, I'm currently studying in 2 Diligent.  

Form teacher: Mrs Nathan 

Math teacher: Mrs Ram ^o^ 

Science teacher: Mdm Ng 

LDEP: Mrs Ng 

History: Mrs Nathan 

MT: 范老师 

DT: Mr Lam 

Today or rather yesterday was sucky. First of all, I did not know the time for practice. Sheryl called, followed by Ms Mok. Forced to go. Cried all the way on the bus to school. Maybe I just sort of breakdown?! I'm so fed up of acting. Acting like I don't care when people are talking bad about me. Acting like I don't feel hurt when I see him. Acting like I don't give a damn when she calls me a bitch. I mean, just give me a break? But, NO! Amelia, mature, sensible has to pull herself together. Blah blah black sheep. Even Yoke Ching say I emo. Perhaps I'm not suitable to be an actress. Anyway, I just don't feel like going to band. It becomes an obligation. Not something to look forward to that's why. I'm becoming more emo so let's not talk about this. Talk about Sien. She recently also emo cause she failed choir auditions. Sien, no need sad la! Come join band la. At least I have somebody to talk to. At least I don't have to pretend. Haizs. Btw, Me, Tingwei, Shimin and Sheryl created a blog of our own. It's ... .... (1 hour later) I forgot le. HAHAHA. Don't feel like talking. Gonna die from stress, homework and CCA. Probably not going to CCA on Mon if Sien not going for badminton. Sianz. I don't want to go church. Somebody save me! Please! Before I die. Why has going to CCA become an obligation? Since when? Why? 

Loves 

Amelia

19/1/09 (Sec Two) 

Lol.. Diary you damn privileged sia. I sacrificed my homework time for you leh!!! Lol. Very bbhb. I know. Today had band practise. Tell you three pieces of news. 

First: Chu Wen didn't call me bitch today. Yay! 

Second: Dao Ying doesn't like me. Probably cause I offended Chu Wen. ToT Chu Xian too. 

Third: Meiyi actually said I was her friend. Puke! 

What happened was Shimin , Sheryl and I went to take 262 home. Then Meiyi also take the bus what. She instead of saying excuse me suddenly say ," You're my good friend." I felt like puking on the stop. I'm sure she meant it sarcastically but she was just scolding us a few hours ago. Lol, right? Today during band practise Yoke Ching was damn high but could tell she was very kind. As in, she's very considerate of my feelings and hint in a very nice manner that I was not working hard enough. She said, "Sometimes don't think that you're working hard enough. Keep thinking that you can be better." 

P.S. Gave Si En a monkey for her birthday (Shared with Nena)P.P.S. Does life have to be bad? 

MESSAGE DEDICATED TO SIEN! 

Thanks for being such a wonderful friend, comforting me when I'm sad and let me vent my anger n you. I sincerely apologise for all the mistakes and unnecessary violence made to you. Once again, thanks. I don't know how to repay you but I treasure this friendship a lot! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

Loves from your friend 

Amelia 

Mild interruption: Sien, I'm so showing you the next entry in person cause WTF have I written hahaha? But for your sake, I shall censor it from this entry and leave the rest of the content. HAHAHA.

23/1/09 (Sec Two) 

........... Then it was like after CCA, me Sheryl and Shimin talk to each other about: Why don't we try harder? Okay. Firstly, I have to admit that I had NOT tried my best. It's like over 100% I only put in 10%. Pathetic right? But I still don't now why. Oh no! I shall change that. I know why.. 

Reasons: 

1. Scared of disappointment both from friends, seniors and yourself 

2. Scared of failure. Worse still when I'm a perfectionist at heart. 

3. Scared that I will be laughed at by my friends for being silly. 

4. Scared that I will drag the whole band down (even though I'm currently doing so.) 

Basically, all the problems began with the word, 'scared'. Haizs. I hate to admit it but I'm a coward at heart. I try to be brave but I can't. It's like at pri three suddenly I got thrown into a world of strangers and nobody was with me. I was terrified, scared, filled with despair. Like wth. I think the reason why I'm violent is because I think it's the only way to protect myself. Great great great. Just great. Amelia inner voice and outer voice fighting again. Inner voice: Go and bathe now. Later Mummy angry again. Outer voice: Heck care! Write diary first! Lol. When will they stop fighting? I angry liao la. Both also Amelias so what for fight/ You both are part of Amelia Choo Shu Xian who has deaf ears, blind eyes and a retarded brain.... The trump card is in your hands. It's up to you to decide how to deal with it. 

Loves from 

Amelia

Alright.. Gonna end this entry here for now... WAIT FOR PART TWO.. (too tired to read my own diary anymore..)

i give up

I don't care anymore. Not gonna give a rat's ass about this. I don't fucking socialise okay? Period. The fact that I'm there already has to count for something but it doesn't. Well, fuck it. Fuck this thing to hell cause it fucking as hell can go fucking suck a dick. Fuck not speaking vulgarities. Fuck being a better person. Quote Sien, "I'm going to hell anyway."

If this world is doomed to fail then fine, drag me down with it. I fucking give up. I'm done.

I don't care

This year will be a year of many defining moments, I can feel it in my bones. Every day, it's like I'm learning something new about myself. The thoughts in my head that are against me... I now know that they are not real. It's so easy to believe them but slowly, I'm learning to push them away. I hope I'm healing. I wouldn't want to remain in this state for long.

Through this journey, I've come to realise how grateful I am to every single one of my friends out there. I remember the day when I met with Yilian, Nicholas (Yilian's boyfriend), Michelle, Tingwei and Shimin. It wasn't a very nice day. In fact, I was cynical of the whole experience. I wasn't expecting anything nice to come out of it but when I was talking to Shimin on bus 261 on the journey home, it just felt right. We hadn't talked in a while. I expected awkwardness. I know how I always tell other friends that Shimin and I can go for days or months without talking to each other and we'll still chat like best buds when we meet up but the truth is, I am never confident of that fact. I keep waiting for the day my friendship with her will run out and fade away. I guess I get so used to things failing in my life I am kinda expecting hers to fail as well. (Pretty sure she's shaking her head at this point)

I've just been a real idiot about things lately. I've been pushing away so many of my friends for no reasons at all. Take Elsie for example. She's been asking me to go jogging but I've been thinking of every excuse to say no. When I told her I was lazy, it was true, but the truth is, I was lazy to meet her. It's not that I don't like her or anything like that. I was just too lazy to slap a smile on my face and pretend that everything's okay. I just wanted to mope around and mope around was what I did. The thing about moping is this though: It gets worse each time you mope. The problems don't vanish away while you're moping. It just intensifies. In the end, it won't help anyone. I feel so guilty to her now. By the way, SHOUT OUT TO ELSIE. Faster recover from your stomach flu okay? Eat more fruits and veggies to boost your immunity. (I can't believe I'm reminding a vegetarian to eat more veggies. *shakes head*)

I haven't been hanging out with my friends last month. I'm still in the weird phase of mine where my mind's pretty convinced all my friends will leave me eventually and I should leave them before I get hurt even though I know that it isn't true and this entire thing is just plain ridiculous. See? The mind poisons against me. My mind's fucked up.

Hanging out with Sien helps too. I'm really grateful to her haha. It's weird cause I hang out with her family so much it feels like they're my family in a weird sense? Do you understand me? HAHAHA.
I never thought I would have BFFs in my entire life but here I am with so many. I should really learn to be thankful haha. You know, when I was a young kid, I always read in books how the female protagonist always hang out with her bffs in her room gossiping about her crush (the male protagonist) and handsome eye candies in school. I always thought that bffs work that way and I have always craved a friendship like that when I was a little kid. Now, I know that's not true. I'll take gaming any other day. It's not the activity that matters. It's the time spent with each other and the memories made that count. For that, I'm really thankful. I don't know how long it'll last to be honest, since Sien and I are going on really different paths but for now, I'll enjoy the ride while it lasts. I'm really happy she's in my life. *crosses heart and soul*

And of course, let me mention the heart to heart talk I just had with Michelle on Sunday as we sat on the swings in Bishan Park cause that talk with her really straightened out my thoughts and got my head thinking in the direction I wanted it to. I've only really shared the thoughts in my mind with Tingwei so I've never imagined that I would share it with someone else. It's just so vulnerable when you're putting yourself out there. You're so afraid of judgement even though you logically know your friends won't judge you. Haha. You know, now that I shared those horrid thoughts with Michelle, my heart feels less heavy. She understands without me saying anything sometimes. I just don't know why our heart to heart talks are always on swings HAHAHA. Michelle, have you noticed that? We always seem to spend the best memories together on swings. Maybe we're really swinging our troubles away~ (: Michelle, I just want to say this: When you cried in front of me the other day as you poured out your feelings to me on the bus, I felt very much honoured to be the listening ear you needed. You shouldn't apologise for something as mundane as sharing your feelings. You're hurt. You needed an outlet and I was there. I'm a friend okay? So no matter what, I'll always be there to listen. Don't worry. You aren't overwhelming me or anything. Besides, I share so much of my life with you already it feels right to listen to you share about yours so don't worry okay? (: Things will be fine in the end.

Last but not least... *drumrolls* NG TING WEI!!!! *applause applause* Of course I must thank you in my life. Haha. You've been there every single step ever since I've started slipping away. Although you don't say much, just knowing you're there is enough. We talk like couples I swear. We're chatting everyday can you believe it? O.o! It's amazing we aren't sick of each other yet. Okay. Let me copy a one of our memorable conversations to show everyone how our conversations roll...

Tingwei: That time one period we never text I felt weird also

Me: Yeah. I thought I was the only one sia. Heng. I thought I'm overly obsessed.

Tingwei: OVERLY OBSESSED HAHAH

Me: Hahaha

Tingwei: I should let you think that hahah. Miss choo you're overly obsessed with me *flips hair* 

Me: EHHHH. Then I'll have an identity crisis. I'll start thinking I'm lesbian or sth hahaha.

Tingwei: LOL

Me: Not funny hor. 

YES THIS IS TINGWEI. SHE IS THIS MEAN AND THICKSKINNED IN REAL LIFE MUAHAHAHAHAHA. Tingwei your angel facade has been exposed. I HAVE SHOWN THE WORLD THE TRUTH! You can no longer pretend to be an angel. *evil cackles*

I'm just kidding. Haha. She's really a nice friend. She's my BFF haha. Tingwei, be honoured okay? Not everyone gets to be called my BFF. You should be really honoured. :))))

Okay, I know you're probably wondering (I don't care if you aren't) how the image ties into this entry. You see, often, our minds poison against us, telling us lies of the people we love and come to care for. They whisper insecurity and breathe sadness into our hearts. In the end, we get so used to these bad thoughts in our minds that we start to lash out based on the lies we're being told. 

"So what if he/she doesn't care about me? I don't care about them either."

But the heart knows better than the mind and the heart mutters to the emptiness in you, "You do, stupid. You care about them."

And then you feel really dumb for even arguing with yourself. You see, no matter how hard I try, I can't break off from people as and when I like it. They still matter to me; they never did stop mattering. I feel pathetic but the truth is, I still care and I probably won't stop caring. It doesn't even matter if you're horrible to me. I love you and love doesn't vanish overnight. (referring to friendship love here, cause fuck heterosexual one) I hate myself for caring but now, I think I'm just gonna accept that I really do care as fucked up as it is.

I hate the fact that you're turning into a stranger in my eyes. I hate the fact that my heart doesn't allow me to give up without trying to fight for this friendship at least once. I hate the memories we made together or the letters you wrote me before. You keep giving me hope and I keep believing and now, I don't know where we're at anymore. You're tired and I'm exhausted. Maybe we should have the heart to heart talk after all. It seems to be necessary now.

In any case, ciaos, and here's to a better week ahead for every single one of my friends. *cheers*

2015

Every time, when the year is approaching its end, bloggers will blog a year end post, reflecting on how the year has been for them. I've always participated in such acts but for this year, I really do not wish to reflect. The year has been tough for me. It was a rollercoaster ride. I've lost so much I'm not even sure if it's worth it in the end.

So, I'm sorry but I won't reflect, and even if I do, I won't share my thoughts here. I don't want to lie on this platform I promise I'll be honest to so yeah, no words, no lies. I can safely say this though, I'm so glad that this year is over.

想起过去的你，我还会伤心，还会难过。心里的那股痛至今我还不知怎么消磨。我多想倒转时间，回到还有你的世界里。如果我用心祈祷，那愿望真的会实现吗？那时的我太天真，太糊涂了，不知该珍惜周围的亲人。一直以为还有很多时间的我现在连哭的力气都没了。

我多想对你说声对不起，对不起我没跟你说我爱你。明明就还爱着，明明就很珍惜，但却被尊严封闭了嘴吧，被恐惧吓破了胆，该说的没说出口，该做的也没有行动。现在的我也没机会说了，没机会做了。人们都会说：节哀顺便。 但你知道吗？时间虽然抹去了过去的悲伤，但它始终淡不了从前的遗憾。那愧疚感是不会消失的。我明白，并且接受这命运的按排。我是该惩罚的；一生的罪我愿意扛。在这里的我只想说声对不起。为那曾经不会珍惜时间的我，对不起。为那懵懂糊里糊涂的我，对不起。为那傲气刁蛮的我，对不起。

一直拼命地避开关于你的话题，现在的我才发现原来我还是接受不了这个事实，接受不了你已经离开我的现实。我痛恨自己当初的自私。如果我还是从前那个单纯的我，现在的我还会沉醉在懊悔里吗？

我不敢想像那未来。

现在的我明白，我还不够坚强，我还不够勇敢。随着这新一年的到来，我祈祷未来的幸福会抹去过去的伤痛。我祈祷未来的我会学会坚强，学会勇敢，学会帮助他人，成为他们人生中的力量。

我希望2015年底的我会开心地微笑着迎接下一年。

大家也一起加油吧~

新年快乐。