JYJ Backseat MV

It's finally out.

fanfic published! YAY!

I finally published that stupid fic I wrote last year in September when I was in Suzhou.

I feel so accomplished. 

Here's the URL if you're interested: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10570960/1/%E6%B0%B8%E9%81%A0%E3%81%AE%E9%9B%AA

It's a Detective Conan fic.

One of the better fics I've written so far.

I've written two other fics on Fanfiction.

No, they're not good. They suck. I can't believe they've got favourites and reviews lol.

The world is truly ending. 

:)

weird

My previous blogpost was so 'emo' I was thinking if I should post a positive post to brighten up this blog. I kinda don't want to though. I don't really feel positive at all haha. #justsaying

Clinic rotation has been, for lack of better word, odd. I always start out feeling like crap. It's no surprise to me. I have never been good in practicals anyway. Then, as the hours pass, I recover and it'll be better. Odd huh?

Maintaining a constant positive attitude is impossible. I can't do that. However, I can choose to not let whatever happened affect my mood and really just try to learn as much as possible. I should not let anything limit my learning, right? I've been in this stupid course for 3 fucking years. I must learn something at least. Right?

I'm tired of running away. I had a talk with Bryan one day. I can't remember which day is it. I was chatting with Vincent at first on Skype. I got a bit emotional towards the end. Then, I spoke to Bryan. For better or for worse, Bryan's always there when I'm really emotional or upset. He literally knows everything that's troubling me because of that haha. Also, I usually become more emotional at night and since he's the only one online at that timing, he's subjected to my rants haha.

I'm really thankful to him for that night though. We had a test the next day. Even though he didn't study for that test, he still stayed up to listen to me rant. It was a few hours of his time he could spend on studying. That's why I'm grateful to him. Damn. I just realised something. Talking to Bryan somehow has always lead to a turning point of my life. Shit. I should avoid talking to Bryan haha. *snickers*

So, I basically talked a lot of shit with that guy. My fears, my lack of interest in my course (yes I'm sure everyone saw that coming) and basically my irritance with myself. I meant it when I said I'm tired of running. Bryan thinks I overemphasized my learning on theory but I know that's true. I didn't overemphasize on theory. That'll be Grace. I simply neglected practicals. I avoided them and look what came out of that, I've learned nothing. It's been three years since I've started on this course but I've learned nothing. Nothing at all.

I can't do animal handling and restraint. That's a year 2 module. What the hell is wrong with me man? I'm so fucking mad now that I think about it. I wasted so much time doing absolutely nothing. I just wasted my parents' money and my time. It's just one whole horrid mess.

Bryan's talk did help. He always help. I still remember what he said to me when Carity first left school. 

"You're too dependant on her. That's why."

I remember thinking to myself back then, "You think I don't fucking realise that. What's the point of telling me this now when she left? Even I can tell that now."

Thinking back to those times, I don't know how I survived. I became incredibly lonely. Nelli had just gotten together with Joel back then and they were just being lovey dovey with each other. I don't blame her for that. We've moved past that now. I'm just saying that those times were terrible. I went from having a best friend I could share everything with to having nothing with me at all.

School was hell. I was alone wherever I went. I quarrelled with Atika back then and since I was a nobody in class everyone kinda took her side. The blame went on me. Teachers were being unreasonable. There was just so much shit going on at that time. So much shit. 

It was then that Sien introduced me to Pewdiepie. People may call that man shit but he'll be a hero in my eyes. Okay. Maybe 'hero' is a little exaggerating but if that guy never existed, I would never have made it through those times. It was incredibly lonely. During breaks, I would run out of school and go to senior citizens' corner me and Carity used to hang out at. I would be all alone, eating cup noodles and feeling sad by myself. I didn't tell anyone this but back then, I used to cry to myself. For the first few days, I cried. It wasn't loud outbursts or anything like that. I would just silently tear and once I started, it was unstoppable. I didn't know what to do. I felt utterly helpless.

During those times, I did think of ending my life. Just really morbid thoughts if you know what I mean. I would scout out for spots and places one could fall to his death. Those hit me especially hard after practicals. Practicals always make me feel useless. Always.

I remember there was a dog restraint practical once and we were taught how to restrain the dog. I couldn't restrain it but everyone else could. I was so upset but again, no one noticed. Back then, I was invisible. I was the wallflower. I got so fucking upset I told the teacher I was going to the toilet and I grabbed my earphones and phone out and just sprinted the hell outta there. I was just heading to the bus stop when I realised I didn't bring my wallet out. I got even more upset. 

In my heart I was thinking: You can't get out of this place even if you wanted to cause you're too dumb to bring your wallet with you. Besides, what can you do even if you go home? How are you gonna explain to your mum that you're home? Your body won't even get sick. It's so useless that it won't even listen to you at all.

And as I thought along that train, my frustration got the better of me and I looked up to the roof of the building. In case you didn't know, TP's roof is accessible by students. Yes, I know. Pretty dumb eh? I know that. I was running through my options at that time but the roof looked so tempting. I could walk straight into the road and let the car bang me too but I didn't want a death like that. The driver could get into trouble eh? So I decided, the roof it shall be. 

I thank God that Amazing Grace shuffled onto my phone at that time. Hearing that just broke through everything that was going on my mind at that time. Everything. I cried. I didn't know how else to feel. How could I even think such foolish thoughts? It made me really upset. I promised myself that I'll treat life seriously after my grandmothers' deaths. How can I break that promise with myself? So, like a fucking coward, I went back to class. Class was nearing its end. We had a test though and needless to say, I didn't know how to do the questions at all. It's fine though. I just scribbled some shit, grabbed my bag and left the school. I found a bench outside school and as I sat there, inspiration struck me like lightning. Slowly, I began writing. It turned out to be my most successful fanfic ever. It's here. It's called The Phone Call. If you read it carefully, you'll see a lot of me in it. I never noticed it until I read it myself. 

Here's an excerpt from one of the chapters:

Falling to the ground and landing on his knees with a soft thud, Yunho's face displayed no slightest hint of emotions as he looked at the ground, his eyes blank and dull. He supposed the fact should have sunk into him by now. People come and go. It was the natural cycle of life. It was how things were supposed to be. Yet, Yunho could not face it. He could not accept the fact that his father departed so abruptly. He had so much to say to him still. He had so much to make up to him for. Yet, he left without a word and now there was nothing left to do but regret, and Yunho was already feeling it every single second of his life. How was it possible to be in so much pain and yet still living? How was it possible for his heart to be beating as always? Yunho felt the palpitating organ beneath his chest. Should it not stop? 

Clutching his shirt, Yunho ripped it off in a matter of seconds. He was about to reach for the nearest sharp object when his motions were stopped by the arms he felt enveloping tightly around him. 

"Jae," he whispered into the silence of the bathroom, "What are you doing?" 

Jaejoong said nothing; choosing to bury his face into Yunho's back. Slowly, the mist of grief dissipated in front of Yunho's eyes and he dropped the shirt he held in his hands, the shreds of fabric landing around the pair of lovers. 

"G-God," Yunho uttered, staring incredulously at his bare hands in shock, "What the fuck am I doing?" 

His disbelief was reflected in Jaejoong’s eyes as the latter held him tight in his arms, refusing to let go in that instant. 

"Nothing," Jaejoong uttered after a while, smiling at Yunho with tears in his eyes as he loosened his hold on his distraught lover, "You're doing absolutely nothing. Come on! Let's go to the living room. It's time for breakfast." 

"N-no. Wait, Jae, I-"  

"It's alright," Jaejoong interrupted Yunho, his back facing his other half, "It is okay. I went through it too. There's nothing to be ashamed about. I don't blame you. It's normal."  

"Jae." 

"Now," Jaejoong continued, heedless of Yunho's interjection as he turned around and smiled at him, "why don't we just have breakfast together in the living room? It's pointless to waste our time and continue this line of conversation." 

Looking at the determination in Jaejoong's eyes, Yunho instantly understood. Taking Jaejoong's hands into his, the pair walked to the living room together, leaving the dark shadowed bathroom behind them.

That was talking about the cutting. Here's another:

Junsu could feel the intensity of Yoochun's gaze as his eyes posed their silent question to him, hoping to grill some answers out of him. Junsu turned away, avoiding Yoochun's gaze. It was like how it was in the past. Yoochun would keep pressing Junsu for answers and would only back down after Junsu started to exhibit signs of stress. Then, it would be as though nothing ever happened, as though the forbidden topic was never breached. 

"I'm not backing down this time." Yoochun announced as Junsu dodged his glare once more, "I'm sick of all this shit." 

Junsu fiddled with the fingers in his lap, carefully avoiding direct contact with Yoochun's eyes as he felt the glare of fury and pent up frustration upon him.

"Why are you always being like this?" Yoochun gritted out in anger, "Why are you always acting like you are not aware of my feelings and the chemistry between us? Do you not love me? Are you that terrified at the prospect of being gay?" 

"If that's the case, then why are you always giving me false hope instead of rejecting me out straight?" Yoochun spoke sharply, "Why are you prolonging my agony? If you don't fucking love me, just say so!" 

Yoochun screamed the last part out as he slammed his fist on the table, shattering his mug that was on the table.

Great, Yoochun thought bitterly as he looked at the two shattered mugs on the floor, now the shattered mug can match my shattered heart. 

"I can understand how Jaejoong hyung feel at times like this," Yoochun whispered in the eerie silence that had enveloped them since the shattering of his mug, "I get so tired loving sometimes. Loving a person that doesn't even have the courage to admit his feelings, do you have any idea how difficult that is?" 

Yoochun uttered as he got off the couch, leaving Junsu alone. Step by step, he walked away from the couch, the distance between Junsu and him increasing little by little until it was no longer measurable.

 This was about avoidance. The character Junsu has in that fic resembles me the most. Sorry Junsu for making you like that. :( Now, here's the fic that I wrote that was so close to my personality I had to take a breather as I read through what I wrote:

 Mirrors are said to reflect a person, to display whatever that is within. I find the concept ridiculous. A mirror cannot show how beautiful you are. It cannot show the essence of your soul. How can the mirror then claim that the reflection is the exact replica of you? How can the reflection be you when it is without a soul? How can the mirror capture something that is unseen? It is absurd and the logic is flawed. Yet the sales of mirrors continue to skyrocket; people never noticing the irony of it all. 

It is the mirror that I see every morning, the same image that greets me as a new day begins. I hate that face. My eyebrows are too hairy. My eyes are too small. My cheeks are huge with excess fats I can never seem to rid off. The skin on my face is rough with pimples marring it like huge volcanoes exploding on the surface of Earth. Everything I see in the mirror, I hate it. My reflection is my weakness and my strength is hidden behind a mask of pretense. The water slides off my face in one smooth fluid motion and a tiny puff of breath escapes my lips. The tap water is still running but my face is void of expression. My eyebrows are furrowed and my eyes are squinted as the image in the mirror shrinks. My reflection haunts me. No matter where I go, it follows. I will never be rid of it. 

"Jaejoongie, what are you thinking again?"  

Your voice travels through the air and reaches my ears, a sweet deep timber that pleases me and sends chills down my spine. My heart starts racing and sweat drips down my brow. Soon, in a matter of seconds, you will reach me and I know, you will sense my discomfort and question it. I will not say a word though. The issue with my reflection has always been a secret of mine. It is buried within the deepest depths of my heart. No amount of courage and strength will bring it out of me. It is a burden I am meant to carry alone and I will gladly bear it till the end of my life. 

You will not know. You shall not know. My reflection is a secret and a secret it shall stay. I shudder to think how you will react once you learn of this. Will you love me as I am or will you hate the reflection you see in the mirror everyday? Will you see the reflection as Kim Jaejoong or will you see the soul within the shell and recognise it as me? Will you be disgusted by the reflection outside that you fail to see what is beneath? Will you fear me as many others did? Will you tuck your tail in between your legs and run from me? 

"I see nothing, Jaejoongie," you whispered into my ears as I felt you enveloped your arms around me, "I see nothing but the heart of the man that loves me." 

Your heartbeats resonate around us and I can feel it pulsating regularly. It did not increase with the speech you made nor did it decrease. That should be a sign that you are speaking the truth but even so, I simply cannot bring myself to believe you. How can you not see the edged scars on my face and the dreaded pimples that cover every surface of my smooth skin? You tell me you love me but how can it be when I cannot even find anything in me to love me? 

A tear slides down my cheek and I brush it away feebly. I could continue spinning lies about the difference between the reflection in the mirror and me but I know, I am just lying to myself like the countless times I did before. In truth, it is not the reflection that I hate but me. 

I hate me, but I hate myself even more for tricking you into falling in love with me. 

The last sentence...

T__________________________________T

#sotrue

Alright. I should stop quoting my fics. IT'S SO THICK-SKINNED. Haha. On a serious note though, those fics really expose a lot of my personality. It's reflected everywhere. Why am I writing again? *sobs*

I stopped writing because of that too. It exposes so much of me. I don't think I like that. :/ 

Anyway, I hope this blog post makes sense to you cause it doesn't to me haha. :) Oh yeah. I've decided to upload my Daiso nonsense onto a blog! ^^ It's under my links. The url is basically: http://daisodiy.blogspot.sg Go check it out!

Alright that's all. Ciaos.

I like how I'm just crying in the middle of the night to myself.

I relish in such loneliness.

And such uncertainty.

Cause I don't even know the reason for my tears.

Sometimes, I guess, you're just fucking tired of trying to be positive.

Or convincing yourself that you're happy.

That you're satisfied.

That life is something you look forward to.

That a new day means a new beginning.

That your heart is something you're proud of.

That your scars aren't just fucking there.

Yes.

If repeating this a few more times means I'm happy then, yes,

I'm fucking happy.

F.E.A.R.

其实，我还是一样的。我还会害怕，我还会哭泣，我还会退缩，我还不够坚强，我还很容易放弃，我还是原来的那个我。唯一的分别只是现在的我比之前的我更有决心面对自己的恐惧罢了。虽然我还不会‘勇气’这个词语的但只要我身上还有决心和毅力，那就应该可以了吧？

这次的我真的很想相信自己。

就当作自己给自己的最后一次机会吧。

加油咯~

各位也好好活着OK？ 让我们一起共同度过理工学院的最后一年吧！（大家坚持住呀~）

love & fear?

 

A flock of birds

hovering above.

Just a flock of birds.

That's how I think of love.

Love. It's a rather ambiguous word huh? It's rather ironic that it is only composed of 4 letters and a syllable, yet its definition is so wide and varied.  In this world, there exist no true definition to love. Unlike other words, love needs no meaning. Love is just love.

I don't know why I'm talking about love suddenly. Perhaps hearing Coldplay's song, Fly On, touched me. The lyrics are simple yet complicated. Those words may look dull but trust me, it has a deeper meaning to what you see on the surface. I used to be unable to appreciate Coldplay's beauty. I was blinded by my own superficial emotions. Now, it's all clear to me. I was looking at the ripples on the water surface but I did not see the bubbles beneath. I'm such a superficial person. I'm quick to judge and condemn. That's something I guess I hate the most out of me.

Anyway, today's blog entry is gonna be different. I wanted to blog about this before but I guess I was too afraid to admit my feelings. Remember me saying that confession needs no courage? Well, screw that. Confessing to someone you like really needed no courage on my part. To me, those were superficial feelings. It didn't really matter if I got rejected in the end. I had already been working myself up for rejection that even in the case he accepted, I would probably have called for a rejection anyway. 'Cause that's just the way I work.

I thought that I was a very disorganised person. Truth to be told, I'm not. Yes, I really am not. I find that hard to believe myself. At first, I started to notice it with simple things that were being done. For example, I have a certain routine I follow when I go home or wake up in the morning. My routine allows for no changes or rather minimal changes. If something doesn't go according to this 'unofficial' routine, I get really irritated and I'll be in a really shitty mood for the whole day. I didn't realise this for myself. I guess this is not organisation. I am still very much so a disorganised person. I'm definitely not your definition of 'neat'. I guess you can just say that I'm really rigid when it comes to plans then. I'm not flexible in the least bit. Yups, I'm like the block of wood you see at the carpenter's store. I rarely bend over for others.  

That, I would think was a rather shocking fact to me. It means that I, Amelia Choo, actually do have some sort of order in my universe. How odd! o.O I am genuinely surprised by the things I'm discovering about myself haha. I guess time alone with yourself is really important.

I've never thought much about self-reflection. I remembered laughing it off when Mrs Vannan, my Secondary One form teacher, taught me to self-talk in Character Education lesson. "Self talk?" I thought to myself at that time, "How stupid and dumb! You'll look like a fool talking to yourself!"

Well, Amelia, guess what? 6 years down the road and you're doing self-talk. What do you have to say for yourself now? Is it really as idiotic as you think it is? *shakes head* How immature was I back then? I can scarcely comprehend my childishness and the trouble I've caused for others then. If you were in anyway harmed by that pesky emotional me, I apologise. I didn't mean to but the brat in me wouldn't stay silent then. Don't worry though, now the child has grown and blossomed into an adult.

(Or at least I hope so.)

In any case, back to the feelings I said I wanted to talk about. Besides the rather weird obsession I have with routines, I also have another habit called the "Time Limited Monster Unleashed Upon Humanity" or otherwise termed "Amelia the Ticking Bomb". Yes, I actually do set time limits for the tasks I complete at hand. For example, when I was doing the most recent charizard Daiso DIY, I set a limit for an hour. In the end, as expected, I didn't get it done by the limited hour. It so happened that I had to leave for dinner at JustAcia with Vincent and the rest so I could not finish it at my leisure, as much as I wanted to. This prompted me to throw a huge tantrum around the house and yes, it COMPLETELY resembled that of a three year old's.

I am insanely childish. (self-realisation fact #3)

Thinking about all these new things I've discovered about me has left me pretty confused to be honest. I've always labelled myself and categorised myself as something. I do the same for my friends too. For example, Ting Wei is the "Ignorant Comforter", Yi Lian is the "Occasional Listener", Shi Min is the "Insanely Stubborn", Michelle is the "Call Blocker", Elsie is the "Unbelievably Childish" and Nelli is the "Incredibly Stupid."

Now you must be wondering, do I truly label my friends so horribly in my mind? The truth is, no, I don't. There are always two sides to the coin, are they not? I may remember them as such but every time I think of these terms I've self-envisioned for them in my mind, a warm memory surfaces and unconsciously, I'll smile, rather like what I'm doing now. (though you can't see shit.)

Let me explain myself just in case misunderstandings occur. In Tingwei's case, 'Ignorant Comforter' is given to her because that's the truth. Tingwei doesn't know how to comfort someone when that person is sad or depressed. She doesn't know what to say and she panics or she just clams her mouth shut. Now, you might think the sad person in question must be feeling even more horrible seeing as her friend stays silent but that is not the case at all. Sometimes, silence convey much more than words. Her actions comfort me. When I'm really down, I'll text her. She replies but she doesn't know what to say. She admits it as such. I understand it and in her desperate attempts (slight exaggeration here!) to cheer me up, I feel the concern for me. I feel the love. It is indeed needless of a definition huh?

Similarly, Yi Lian listens occasionally. She may not be there all the time and sometimes, it's really as though her head is stuck up in the clouds but that doesn't deny the fact that she cares. It doesn't mean she doesn't bother. She just has a hard time concentrating. In fact, a few of my heart to heart talks these days have been with her. It's odd but certain feelings just come so naturally when I'm talking with her. The sense of warmth, comfort and security. I guess you could label that as another definition of love.

Next, Shi Min, the 'Insanely Stubborn'. I won't talk about that I supposed. It's pretty obvious huh? I'm about as stubborn as she is. We both don't agree on so many things it's a wonder how we can even remain as friends. Yet, she's there when I need her. When I really need a wake up call, she's there to slap me (not literally) and tell me to get a move on. I harp on things a lot. She's there to remind me that no matter what happens, life goes on. Even if death has just passed, even if life is going downhill, even if there seems to be no hope at the end of the tunnel, if you give up now, you're surrendering. You're admitting defeat. 

"You'll never move on if you don't face your fears."

That's the essence of what she's been teaching me. Although many times I've flared up at her, we both understand and we both know: We're there for each other if need be. We don't need flamboyant words between us. We have no need for such. We understand each other without speaking. We know. Deep down in our hearts, we'll always be there. This sense of strength coming from the bond of friendship between us, I guess you could label that as love too huh? The ever versatile word; love.

Michelle, the 'Call Blocker'. Seriously, she blocks call or either she doesn't answer them, I don't know. I just can't seem to get through her via calling. It irritates me so much okay? I'm tempted to storm to her house and just shake her shoulders and start screaming, "WOMAN. What's the point of having a phone if you don't look at it huh? WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT?" before throwing her phone to the ground and crushing it with my foot. Yes, I've actually given it a thought. That's how annoyed I am. Despite it all, one of the fondest memories I have with her is actually on a phone call. I guess you can say that's how the title of my longest running fanfiction 'The Phone Call' came about. It sparked from the conversations I had with her. It's never too late to start bitching or gossiping about someone. Sharing my feelings with her especially feelings regarding boys has always been easy, especially when she always ends up in the same situation as me. (for example, now) She understands me without me expressing it. She puts my feelings into words and gives me advice on how to deal with all the emotions I feel rising up in me. So far, she has been the only one to really hear me 'degrading' myself and expressing my honest opinions of myself. All my self-hatred, all my anger towards my own incompetence, I vented it all out to her and she gave me the biggest scolding of my life. Yes, she scolded me. She even said the word "Fuck." and for those who don't know, Michelle never curses. NEVER. (save for those few selective words at some super idiotic guys who so happens to be our ex crushes or a certain lady.)

The joy of someone scolding you because they care... I guess that's love, huh?

Now, it's Elsie's turn. She's the known 'Unbelievably Childish' kid. I think she knows why I described her as such hahaha. Despite that, she has some really good thinking in those brains of hers! She feels insecure about herself and she is not ashamed to admit it. Guys, this is what I call courage, not confessing some stupid emotions to some stupid guy in your class okay? HAHAHA. She's a really cool friend to have. I may not have told her but I've been insecure of our friendship at times. I never thought it would last till now. I told myself or rather I convinced myself it'll end sooner or later. That way when it boiled down to separation, it wouldn't hurt as much. In the end, I was working myself up for nothing. (once again, Amelia, once again.) She stayed by my side and here we are, still friends since primary school. It's odd how we drifted apart and Fate brought us back together. I'm thankful for it though. That's really a point in my life that if it weren't for her, I would probably have allowed those foolish thoughts to consume me and do something I  would really regret for life. So for that, thanks, Elsie. ;D I guess my gratitude towards you is love. :) (but you're still unbelievably bitchy and childish, girl. ;P)

And now, I've come to the last person I've listed, Nelli, the 'Incredibly Stupid'. Now, there are many reasons why I'm saying she's stupid. 

Firstly, she doesn't realise she's actually kinda pretty. I still remember the first time I met her, kay? She was quiet and reserved. She was skinny and yet it wasn't till the point till it grossed me out. She also had an insane love for nature and wildlife. I remember thinking to myself back then, "Amelia, she's so pretty and skinny. Confirm in popular clique. I think you better just go and find another person to clique with ba."

But somehow, we clicked and we stayed together. I don't know for what reason she stuck by me either hahaha. I remember thinking to myself, "Gosh. I've got the better end of the deal huh? I've got all the pretty girls to be my friends. HAHAHAHAHA."

[2 years later]

WHY I GET ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS TO BE MY FRIENDS? NOW I  LOOK UGLY NEXT TO THEM!! (Cue: Yilian, Tingwei, Nelli and the rest. You know who you are. Oh and shoutout to Sien who's also kinda pretty but she'll vomit blood before she admits it so I'm just writing it here.)

In any case, I've deviated from my main point. I'm calling her incredibly stupid cause she can't see what I see. I see beyond her looks. I think she's pretty but she doesn't see it. I see a beautiful heart beneath the exterior body cavities. She's oblivious to it. I won't deny it. It's hard to see her wasting away sometimes. I mean emotionally. She's drowning and I can't help. There's nothing I can do to help. The battle's hers. I can't do anything. I don't like this feeling of helplessness. Guys, is that what you had to feel when you were/are dealing with me?

It pains me to see her like this. It pains me even more cause I was once like that or rather sometimes I'm still like that I don't know but it hurts and I know how much it hurts so it makes me hurt more, get it? I can't comfort her either. Telling her, 'It'll get better with time.' is a lie cause I know better. Saying, 'You just have to believe.' is kinda a pot calling the kettle black since I don't believe in myself either. So, I'm left with this.

"Nelli, you're incredibly stupid. You don't see what I see. You don't believe me when I say you're pretty. Well, look at the bubbles beneath the water surface and stop focusing on the ripples of water above. Those ripples go round in circles. They're never getting anywhere. Be the bubbles instead. They rise up to the water surface and they evaporate in the air. They leave the water but not the ripples. The ripples remain trapped inside the water for all eternity."

Worry for Nelli, I guess that's another definition for love. See what I mean by the diversity of the meanings of love? Love has no true definition. It's the emotions you're feeling at the moment. It's the energy you feel as you meet a particular person. Love has no limits. Love has no boundaries, so don't label it. Don't be dumb and start using terms like 'bisexual', 'asexual', 'homosexual' or 'heterosexual'. I don't care which gender they like whatsoever. I don't care if they wanna mate with turtles or snails. If they really love something or somebody, then let them do it if it isn't causing harm to anyone. Let them express their true feelings. Let them say it with all their hearts: I love XXX. After all, labels won't work on humans. We are much more than that. We are much more than this.

I guess in the end, I have no real definition of love, huh? *irony* And, I never talked about my feelings. I've strayed from my main point so horribly I don't know how to drag the topic back.

-cues a minute of silence for the idiocy of Amelia-

Alright, to summarise the feelings I wanted to speak about: I'm finally on my way to self-discovery. I'm starting to be more honest with myself in terms of feelings and decisions. I've come to realise the importance of self-fulfilment and I'm starting to squeeze in more self-reflection times as of late. Through this whole thing, I've realised some important truths about myself too. They are as follows:

• I hate crowds.

If given a choice, I would avoid them completely. I don't like hanging out in cliques too. 3 is the maximum number for me. Yay. I've finally said it. Admitting it has really taken a tremendous load off my shoulder. I tried to tell myself to stop being antisocial every single time during clique outings but gee, I really hate placing myself in situations like those. I try to crack jokes, act all cheery and all when the truth is, I'm really upset inside. I hate to pretend. I shouldn't have to when I'm with my friends. Yet I do, and that sucks. -.- People don't realise how hard it is to get an introvert to talk. Maybe that's why I get along well with Nelli. I can understand her aversion to crowds. Urgh.

• I am extremely insecure about my relationships

I use the word 'relationships' because I'm not only referring to friendships, I'm talking about familial relations too. For the longest time in my life, I used to feel like the odd-one-out. I don't know why I feel this way either. I don't know when I started feeling this way either. The thought just struck me one day and I've been stuck with it ever since. (Time to improve on that, Amelia.) Btw, when I mean insecure, I don't mean the kind like this...

Gf: I scared we cannot last leh.

Bf: Don't worry la. I will always be right beside you. Won't leave you de.

Gf: Okay.. *snuggles, kisses, lick lick touch touch*

- 3 hours later -

Gf: Why you flirt with the bitch over the counter? 

Bf: What are you talking about? I just told her our order!

Gf: No! I saw you winking at her with your left eye and she passed you a slip of paper thereafter! I bet she gave you a phone number. Seriously, how can you do this to me? Picking up girls right in front of my face... YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE.

Bf: Honey, I winked because dirt was trapped in my eye and it was irritating me. The slip of paper she gave me was the fucking receipt for fuck's sake.

Gf: Oh... *ashamed* 

Bf: ....

Gf: You know I love you right? *grins*

Bf: Yes I know. I love you too. I won't leave you so chill out okay? Let's just eat.

- 1 hour later -

Gf: WHY YOU STAND SO CLOSE TO THE GIRL BESIDE YOU HUH? You want leave me find other girl is it? 

Bf: IT'S THE FUCKING MRT AND THERE'S NO SPACE DO YOU THINK I HAVE A CHOICE? If I had, I wouldn't be standing with you!! *ragequit*

Yes, I don't mean insecurity like the above scenario okay? That's just pure stupidity urgh. 

• I work myself up and convince myself of my incapabilities before I even start doing anything.

Pretty self-explanatory. Basically, I tell myself, "You can't do it." for approximately more than 20 times the day before practical and guess what, I really can't do shit! Yay! Hip hip hooray~~~~ *throws confetti*

• I am distrustful of guys.

I never realised that till now. I remembered there was once Melvin was hurling some loud vulgarities out of nowhere and in that instant, my heart started beating a million times faster and I actually took a step back from him. Of course, I pretended like everything was fine, like I was totally in control and I KNEW he was kidding (which I totally did not btw) but inside, I felt like shitting my pants. It was an instinctive reaction to cower in fear. I didn't even think of defending myself. Urgh. So weak. I'm wasting my life here in polytechnic lol. :D (I'm generally not afraid of guys I'm familiar with but if, for example, Bryan were to shout at me really loudly out of sudden, I would probably start shaking while trying to pretend I'm fine because I'm so fucking prideful. Go figure.)

• Fear dictates my life

I think this last point totally just summarises who I am as a person. I am a fearful person. I fear everything but the thing I fear the most is myself. I'm afraid of my capabilities to destroy. I'm afraid of the thing I term as 'darkness' residing within me. Perhaps that's why I've always dreamt of myself as a murderer, robber, thief etc. I'm always running in my dreams. It's as though that's what my mind has amounted to: a futile escape in an escaping mind by an escapist.

I am nothing but a coward in reality. That's the fact I've come to terms with.

Sighs. I guess I've really gotta start facing my fears one by one then. It's not easy just so you know. It's easier asking me to confess then to admit the cowardice inside of me. Think of it this way, our souls are like vessels. They fill with emotions and overflow them to the surroundings. Since a soul has limited capacity, once you let fear in, courage leaves. It's pretty simple. The two can't coexist. Fear displaces courage. Also, fear is quite an oddity. It expands and grows if left untouched, erasing even the residual hope you might have lurking around the corners. Yes, fear robs everything away from you, leaving you nothing but an empty shell of yourself. A cold and empty shell.

Well, at least I've admitted it to myself huh? HAHAHA. Special thanks to Ting Wei for asking me to blog because if it wasn't for her, this entry wouldn't be born. Alright. That's it for today. I'm pretty much drained now. Sayonara~ 

BYEBYE~ Michelleee~

 

I think this picture just captures our friendship in an instant. The listening part that is. Sighs. I don't know why I'm blogging about this too. I didn't say anything to you about missing you huh? Not a word was uttered apparently.

I'm still awkward with expressing these feelings. I thought I wouldn't miss you but I did and I do. When Sien flew for Japan, I miss her too. I just didn't say it to her face. Besides, I was telling myself that it was only a month and if I miss my friends who go for internship for a month then I must be some wimp with overly-attached issues.

Truth is, I'm really overly attached.

I get why Tingwei almost cried at the previous clique gathering now. Watching you walked through the airport terminal, I felt like crying myself. When I hugged you, my words that I spoke yesterday night played back in my mind.

"I don't like to have physical contact that has no meaning to it," I spoke with such conviction in your room, "If I hug someone, there must be a meaning to it. For example, I'm hugging someone to comfort them, wish them a happy birthday, express my care and concern for them..."

But this hug's meaning is different right? It's the DEPARTURE hall. :( It's a hug of goodbye. I don't even know why I'm sad. I can't explain this sudden feeling in me. I guess I'll miss you. No. I know I'll miss you but to say I miss you will make our parting seem so sad won't it?

Omg, Amelia. Man up! It's only 3 months come on! *slaps slaps slaps*

-SIIGHHHHHHHHHSSSS-

And there's not only you leaving, Vincent's going too. Suddenly it's like everything's going back to what it was before. It's so weird. :( I never knew how big of a part you both played in my life till you're gone for internship for 3 months. I can't even skype with you. :( It's stupidly fucking China.

Dammit. Now I DEFINITELY do not want to get into overseas internship programme. :( I understand what Tingwei meant when she said she'll miss others. I miss Michelle and Vincent too. :( And if any of my other friends go for overseas internship, I'll miss them too. :( Damn. Now I really do sound overly attached. Urgh.

Someone call the institute of mental health please, I seem to have escaped from there. I need to extend my hospitalisation period. I need meds in my body right now. Preferably my brain too. None seems to be functioning. None at all...

:( I hate this man.

:((

Changing Dreams

The owl watches with nary a grin,

wearing spectacles that had thick rims.

Its eyes are poised; its beak is out.

It was the dreamcatcher it can't wait to devour.

The feather, the beads they could do not a thing

as the owl gave in to its predator's instinct.

Transparent is the glass bottle

with the messages trapped within.

Open the cork and you shall see,

the love that set me free.

Dreamcatcher: Nelli

Glass bottle: Tingwei

Owl necklace: Mine

emo?

This blog is gonna be emotional. Okay. Maybe not for others but to me, it's emotional. I'm supposed to do bpharm e learning but fuck it. Fuck school. School makes me unhappy. There, I finally can admit it. Rotation feels like hell to me. I hate that my clique keeps talking about stupid rotations cause I feel like an idiot not being able to do the things they call 'easy'. Maybe something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just too lousy. I don't know. I don't.

Life's good to me. Well, technically that is. My grades aren't that bad. They are average but they'll do fine. My friends? Well, I don't have a well-packed social life but I do have certain friends that I'm close with. It still counts for something right? I have a great family. I do know that they love me and I guess I love them? Just the thought of losing them makes me cry. I don't want to lose anyone. No more please.

I don't want to lose myself either but I feel like I'm just spiralling downwards in life now. What is my passion? What is the lifelong dream I've been waiting for? Feels like I'm living life like a robot. No. Correct that, I'm not living a life of systemic routines, I'm living a life of fear. Fear of myself, fear of what I can do, fear of my feelings, fear of basically everything. It feels like someone took a hammer and shattered everything that was within and now everything is just crumbling into pieces. I try to pretend like nothing's going on. I convinced myself that is nothing. Every teenager goes through a sad phase of their life right? It's normal. Totally is. 

If only I can really convince myself of that. Haha. It's so easy to deceive myself sometimes. I wonder if everyone's like me, living a life of self-denial. I pretend I'm all strong and hardy but deep down, I'm sensitive and so damn fragile. I got so mad at Cassandra for calling me heartless but the truth is, I don't think she's wrong. She's correct. I AM heartless. I truly am. I didn't even do anything even when I knew my hamster was dying. It was suffering through a slow agonising death via bacterial infection. I knew it yet I refused to bring it to see the vet because I was lazy and prideful. That's heartless of me right? Yet, I shed crocodile tears after it died. I just don't know. I don't know what I'm doing with myself right now. Some times, I feel so much emotion in me it feels like I'm gonna burst apart. Yet, in other times, I feel so cold and heartless that you could literally snap someone's neck right in front of me and I would not blink a eye.

What am I becoming into? My thoughts are swirling all over the place in that big empty head of mine. Every day I wake up and I'll wonder, why do kind people die everyday in this world but people like me survive to see the next day? Why? Who dictates life and who dictates death?

I'm of a Christian faith. I should say it's God but deep down some part of me is hesitating. Like I thought, my heart has strayed away from God. Or rather, my heart is just an muscle organ pumping blood throughout my entire body to support this farce of me. This shadow or empty shell of who I used to be. Me.

I hate Me though. I hate to see the pimples on Me's face. I hate to see the crooked teeth in her fat gigantic lips. I like Me's hair but that is the only redeeming factor in my eyes. Oh yes! Speaking about eyes, Me's eyes are horrible too. They are too squinted, too small and too Asian. (Yes, I'm racist against my own race. Deal with it!) Me looks horrible. Me looks like a gigantic cross-breed blob between a mammoth, pig and a human. Oh wait. That's already Me.

Me has temper issues. She's really short tempered and impatient. She is overly pampered and never treats her family well. Me is awkward with hanging out with her own family. Me is awkward when she's alone with her parents. Sometimes, Me wished that her sisters never existed just so that she can get the attention she craves for. Then, Me feels guilty over that. Me secretly desires to be in the spotlight. Me wants to be the centre of attention and Me would do anything to make her parents happy even if she deemed it as her own death.

Me secretly wishes she never existed sometimes. Me had many close calls to Death but every time Me sought out Death, Life always clung onto her like a pesky old girlfriend and Death leaves naught a word of its rejection of her soul. Me wonders what's wrong with her sometimes. Guys reject her. Friends reject her. The whole world rejects her. Me doesn't think that her family will accept the true her. Me's secretly tired of pretending to be strong but there's no one Me feels that can understand her. 

"Do you understand," Me will whisper, "the fear of seeing your own reflection? Can you comprehend the fear of acknowledging the failure in you? Can you empathise with the insane urge to destroy everything about you cause you're the blemish on Earth's perfect record? Can you understand the self-hatred one feels about oneself?"

I'm not in self-denial. I don't have a low self-esteem either. I just hate myself. I hate Me. But Me can also be defined as Fear. And I fear Fear. My life's basically ruled by this topmost emotion: Fear and I'm fucking sick of it. I hate that my mind goes blank in clinics or TAF. I hate that my hands won't listen to my brain and my heart is just screaming in my mind: STOP IT STOP IT. AMELIA DON'T DO ANYTHING. YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT BETTER CAUSE EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH SURELY DIES. 

When I entered my course of choice, 90% of my friends mocked my abilities. 

"You really can become vet meh? You confirm kill the animal not save the animal."

"So, you're in vet course right? How many animals you've killed so far?"

They laughed like it was some big joke. I pretended it didn't bother me. Even my family was saying stuff like those. No one believed me and truth to be told, I didn't believe myself either. Sure enough, look at where I am right now! I can't do anything for nuts. Handling? Restraint? I can't even hold the damn animal in place. What good am I to society?

I'm spending three years in polytechnic to get a piece of paper that somehow 'showcases' my capability even though my skills are equivalent to that of a freshie or even worse than that. There just hasn't been anything in my life that I'm particularly good at and to be honest, that bothers me. Is there really no good point in me? Is this really the end? I don't even know what I'm typing any more.

Anyway, Nelli, this is for you:

And for me too, cause we all need to keep reminding ourselves to stay happy throughout the day, right?

And another link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B0SH-RHW5vemelBFdGlfSTFnMTg/edit

This link is actually diary entries compiled together by the above Youtuber Anna Akana whose sister actually committed suicide in 2007. It shows how she copes after the death of her sister. Read it okay?

Alright peeps~ Goodbye~