BLOG SHIFTED

I have shifted to Wordpress guys. Link HERE.

#youarewelcomed

smiling sunflowers

"If there is one single piece of advice I could give you that you should hold above all the rest, it's this: write. Write always. Sometimes it will help, and sometimes it will be excruciating, but you have to do it. 

I wrote it down. Pages after page in my journal, notes on my phone, rambling text messages to friends. I had to do it." 

- @barry_happy

Stressed. The mind is pulling at its seams. That's me in a nutshell now. My thoughts are scattered, one following the other in a predestined order, an odd arrangement amidst the chaos. I can't think. The water's above my head but here I am dreaming of sunflowers in the rain. A beautiful golden smile that will stand out against the grayness of life. I just want to feel the light on my face again.

I want to go out of the house, go running along the pavements, screaming at the top of my lungs. Crying and laughing, twirling my hair in the wind as my skin catches the sun and glows, a beacon of hope shining, and forever shining. I want to hear. My ears are straining so much even just a peal of my laughter is sufficient to satisfy me. I want the wind beside me as I fly, floating on grass pastures as I arise, touching the clouds and feeling the blues of the sky.

I want to release all confines, all bars or monotonous prisons. Let me flow out of this temple and break it all apart, scattering them into many tiny pieces like the seeds of dandelions carried by the breeze.

But I'm stuck here and I can't move. My feet is glued to the ground. The waves call out to me but I can't answer them. My mouth is sewn shut and my scream is contained within. I'm so frustrated, annoyed, angered and just plain mad. Mad. Unbelievably mad. I hate that I have to second guess myself when I'm doing my readings, I hate that I'm always doubting myself and letting the little voices win against the logic in my head. I hate what I am sometimes, and I hate that I hate it.

This year is good. It is the start of a new beginning. It is a dream to be realised, a happiness to be grasped and a wish to be made true but nothing feels like it at all. It's 23:04 and I haven't completed my readings. I haven't compiled my notes. I haven't done my learning logs and all my brain is ever processing are the things that I have not completed and the assignments that are yet to be done that I can't seem to process anything beyond that. I cannot stop thinking of the insufficiencies and the inequities - the holes in my life now.

And I'm falling through them all, leaving a little part of me behind each time that happens. A little girl trapped in a broken vessel, still struggling to make her way home as she runs the race with tears in a hand and a bottle in another. She has a bottle to keep the most precious thing of all: her oxygen, her air and it's her only hope.

And I am holding onto that bottle. I am choosing to make a choice every day I wake up in the morning and glance at my clock or at the list of tasks I have to complete. I am making a conscious choice to see the stars and forget the dark. I count the days, hours, minutes and seconds when I'm away from everyone else but when I'm with them, I force myself to set the ticking clock away. I tell myself of the seconds that matter and the seconds that don't. The minutes that are stuck and the time that is flying away, leaving my hands with nothing to grasp.

It's terrifying, giving yourself up completely to something you cannot control. Time. It eludes you. It acts upon you and it never lets you work on it. You work around it, never on it, never with it and it terrifies me. The many thoughts that I have, the many hearts I want to bless love with... They are all limited by this omnipresence called Time that never seems to allow me to manage it as adequately as I want it to be managed. It flees at my presence and it leaves me with nothing but bitterness at my lips.

And I am so upset, so angry at myself that I'm failing at everything now, that I'm letting the cracks be seen and letting myself be slipping through those holes I know are mendable but some days it's so tough, so exhausting and suffocating to even hold onto the bottle. When the tears blur your vision and the path gets more rocky, it's really difficult to greet the day with a smile on your face and tell yourself you're going to be that sunflower in the rain. You are going to shine and lead all lost ships back to port.

But days like those are the worst and the best. They remind me that storms are beautifully destructive and destructively beautiful. They remind me of footprints in the sands, of rainbows invisible to the eye, of hearts that are left behind, forsaken but never broken. They remind me of the endurance of the human spirit. They remind me of the act of love - a simple gesture to breathe for the others who have placed their tiny little pieces of souls in you. The courage you hold so close to your heart, a sparkle of glitter against the grays and the dulls. It's the hope trapped inside the bottle, the precious air you've forgotten how to breathe.

They remind me of my loved ones, of my friends, of the multitudes of sunflowers that are dancing in the rain. They struggle to bloom but their golden smiles are permanently etched upon their faces. An invisible rainbow to the eyes of the heart. A breath of air freed from the bottle in my hands. A love so profoundly deep that serves as a bridge to the inner paradise I'm seeking and suddenly, it feels easier to shake my limbs and let my soul escape me a little.

Nothing has changed. The clock now reads 23:20. I still haven't completed my readings. I still haven't compiled my notes nor did a single task I said I would on the list of daily tasks pinned on my head. Yet, the rain has slowed to a drizzle and the sun is peeking behind the clouds again. The crashing waves of my thoughts have simmered and calmed. I feel the minutes still ticking, the voices still screaming in my head but they are mute compared to the sun and the light that I feel on my skin again. I feel the peace seeping through my bones. It really is easier to breathe. The bottle feels lighter somehow.

The music starts in the background, a soft whisper against the harsh whispers of the mind but I pay those no need. It's the gentle timber that gets me every time. The music that just speaks (not shouts) but speaks so ever gently that it makes you float on the spacious clouds of your dreams. They fill you with gold and leave you with joy. They smile and they never expect anything in return. Those sunflowers never leave their spots. They are always there. Smiling, laughing and guiding people from the rain...

And it is a beautiful sight, isn't it? A beautiful imagery I've conjured up in my head. A breath of air I shall not forget, a piece of dream that dust shan't remember and a sunflower that smiles within the rain. ;')

Have hope that things will be better tomorrow, that your current circumstances do not determine your future and your sorrows are never permanent.

BE A SUNFLOWER

and smile in the rain.

;)

love others for He first loved us (Christianity)

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 

Live in harmony with one another. 

Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.

Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Romans 12: 9 - 18 (NIV)

It's easy to speak of love. It's difficult to practise doing it. They say actions speak louder than words but in this case, words speak louder than any action can. I have realised upon my quiet reflection that the words I have spoken to her are way over the line. Yet, the carnal desire in me is satisfied. The beastiality of man that rejoices at her pain, that demands more tears, more blood and more brutality.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, I wouldn't lie. Vengeance always has been my middle name. I believe fervently in justice. I believe in correcting and rebuking in love. I just wished someone had pulled me aside and told me that I was being horribly selfish. I was so consumed by my own anger I forgot how to love. Blinded by hatred, I was nothing but a Devil's pawn; I was a machine wired to self-destruct at the slightest trigger and I welcomed it with open arms.

I fault it to convenience for it was certainly easy for me to lay the blame at her feet, to make her the root cause for all the problems I've faced in church. It was easy to burn her at the stake, to blame her and persecute her for her mistakes. I believed she deserved it for she had failed the lofty expectations within me which I had subconsciously imposed on her. I had all these preconceived notions of a Christian leader and I was disappointed that she was tearing my illusions apart.

But now, I'm confused. I don't know if confronting her in the manner that I did was a right decision to make. They say I'm supposed to be freed from this burning ball of hatred but now, it just feels like the walls of my heart are tattered and torn. They're in ruins and talking to her did not heal them as I thought it would. Nothing has changed. 

Instead of feeling victorious, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I've resorted to such petty victories, ashamed that I've let myself be consumed by hatred and ashamed that I've become the very person I said I did not wish to be. All I feel is regret and it's tearing at my soul like a vulture to a corpse, pecking at every nook and cranny of meat that it can find. I feel like I did not handle this situation well. I feel like I've failed in this very aspect.

I wasn't supposed to sympathise with her tears but when she started crying, I felt my heart waver and at that point, I started to question myself that the things that I was doing, was it truly going to be worth the price in the end? I doubt my ability to discern and rationalise. I don't know what it means to be a Christian anymore.

I've been so caught up in the world, so consumed by worldly emotions that I've become part of the world. I've lost the ability to love her and well, what's a Christian's defining value if not love? How can I honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I'm rebuking her in love? It was just for self-gratification. I wanted to do that because I felt that I was wronged by her and I wanted justice, but that system has longed been abolished by the New Testament and yet my heart's still living in the past.

How can I truly claim myself to be a Christian at this point?

She said, "Trust is a two-way street." She implied that I didn't trust her and she's right, I don't. I can't see her as she is without the bias of my own hatred. I actually hated her and that scares me because "hate" is a strong emotion to feel and that emotion is definitely not of the Bible. I've been acting in ways that defied the laws of my religion and I didn't even realise it.

And now everything in me hurts because it's only now that the essence of Christianity has been imprinted onto me and I do not know if "now" is too late a time to make up for the mistakes I've made or repair the damage I have done.

For each mistake she had made, I should have met it with love but I condemned her and rejected her actions and in doing so, subconsciously resigning myself to a heart filled with anger and bitterness.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Romans 12:21

And needless to say, I've failed it.

I've failed it once again.

*exhales*

Amelia, and to you readers out there, it's time for you to let love take residence in your heart once more. Love... Love... Love...

LOVE OTHERS

because He first loved us

goodbye and good day.

overwhelming fear

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'

'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.” 

― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I didn't want to blog at first but I'm just super scared now so here I am now, blogging while trying to calm myself down. *takes a deep breath* I cannot believe this is happening. *exhales*

It's not much of a big deal actually. It's just a home visitation to the beneficiaries, it's just making awkward conversations with people, it's just leading and attempting to know what's going on when I don't, not really. God. Why is my bloody name highlighted? Is this their way of mocking us freshies? For us to undertake leadership responsibilities when we're clearly not ready for it?

*inhales**exhales*

I've gotta calm down, really. It's just a home visitation sheesh. There's nothing scary about it. No, nothing at all. Nothing at all... :(

How am I supposed to write a home visitation report? How am I even supposed to do anything? As if it isn't worse enough, I'm actually paired with two males in a team like God, why not another female? Why am I the only female? And why are the two people paired with me the two people that I'm awkward with? What can I possibly gain from this?

*breathes out in 1.. 2... 3...*

I really gotta calm down sheesh. CALM DOWN WOMAN.

You can do this.
Or die trying.

But you can. Think of happy thoughts!

Bed. Bed. Bed. Bed.

God. I don't know anymore.

GOODBYE.

P.S. Putting my schedule here so I'll remember. (ignore it!)

Fri: 9am wake up. Prepare for online tutorial at 10am. Meet Lola to explore Lasalle and NAFA.
Sat: 8.30am wake up. Go Home Visitation. Die.
Sun: 8.30am wake up. Si En's birthday celebration leggo.

I CAN DO THIS OMG.

YOU EITHER DO IT

or die trying

Godbless.

aktf

“… like the flowers which are planted in too rich a soil, strength and usefulness are sacrificed to beauty; and the flaunting leaves, after having pleased a fastidious eye, fade, disregarded on the stalk, long before the season when they ought to have arrived at maturity.”

- M.W. Shelley

I am excited yet terrified for school at the same time. There's so much to be done: books to be bought, lessons to be scheduled and time to be managed and I don't think I've got it all down yet. I am so unprepared for the upcoming semester that I haven't even caught up to my readings. Haha. It's only the first week of the semester and I'm already lagging behind. Good job, Amelia, good job!

Still, despite these overwhelming worries and fears, I am really thankful that school is opening its doors once more. I feel like I'm ready for challenges now and I'm learning to open the doors of my heart to others. I'm ready to fight and nothing is going to snatch my faith away from me.

I'm sick and tired of feeling fear. I'm getting up and I'm taking a stand against it. I'm ditching my pride. I'm rendering myself vulnerable. There's strength in weakness. There's hope for the broken. We'll come out of this braver. We'll emerge as victors. The light is with us and I know we can all do things if we just set our hearts to believe, 

It's funny actually because I told Vincent I wouldn't blog about my feelings tonight but I'm doing it now. Well, the truth is, I don't want to blog about it. I want to hide every weakness away. I want to fit myself into the tiny hole I've imposed in my heart and never let anything out ever again, but doing that wouldn't be honest and it wouldn't be fair to myself.

I want to help others because I know how long those nights can be. I know how mornings can be dreadful and beds can be heaven. I know how every single mistake you make feels like a personal failure and I want to be the one who wipe your tears away and tell you that it's not your fault, that you're still perfect and reflections lie anyway so don't believe them. It's not what you see in the mirror that matters. It's your soul, your character and your heart that will shine.

But how can I do that when I'm not even honest with myself?

So from now on, my goal I guess is to be honest with others and myself and to hold myself responsible for every decision I make. I remember someone once said these words to me, "The first time you do something wrong, it's a mistake. The second time you do it, it's a choice. The third time you do it, it's a commitment; it's a promise you make to yourself to repeat the same mistakes again and again."

And I know better than anyone how addictions can be painful and difficult to overcome so I want to be honest about emotions throughout this whole rehab process. I don't want to lie or even pretend that I'm fine when I'm not and if that means taking a break from crowds at times, I'll gladly do it even if it offends anyone I know of.

More than that, I pray for a bigger heart to accommodate all the love that people have shown to me and to give back to others the way I have been blessed. I want to be the optimistic girl that gives people hope in their tough times. I want to be a girl that can look back on this year 2016 and tell myself that I've done me proud and I've ditched the addictions I said I would.

So let's all become stronger together okay? There may be serious tough times ahead but I believe that if you and I work together and keep one another in our hearts, the bonds among us will be enough to overcome the trials and tribulations ahead.

ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH.

;))

a mess of thoughts and scrambled words in my mind

"What if today is full of pain

It will be a warm memory someday

Once I let go of all the things in my heart

I realize what it means to be alive

It's to learn the joy of being born

Let's stay together, always"

For Fruits Basket, Ritsuko Okazaki

I don't know why I am blogging now. It's 2.45am and I really should be sleeping now but for some reason, I can't let myself sleep at all. I want to say that I'm having trouble falling asleep but I'm really not. I know that if I lie down on the sofa, I'll sleep but for some reason, I don't want to. I guess this is going to be another "emo" post again.

I wish I have the right solutions for the problems in my head. Logically speaking, I know that my problems aren't real and they are the products of my imagination but sometimes I guess it's tough to differentiate between reality and fantasies especially when the horrors your mind presents you with are the realities you think you're living out now.

I'm sorry for my incoherence by the way. My thoughts are literally fleeting all across my mind space. I don't know what I'm saying or even what I'm thinking. I just feel so confused like I can't even make out what's going on anymore. Usually when I get into moods like these, I try to shut out my thoughts by exhausting myself with tasks I know are arduous but tonight for some reason nothing feels right.

I feel like I'm dreaming, having a really sad nightmare of myself typing on this laptop with all these emotions in me struggling to come out in words that will make people understand what I am actually trying to say but for some reason, nothing flows and I'm stuck between the lines. I guess I'm just trapped in my mind.

I read Elsie's blog post. Finally, she has updated her blog with an entry. I'm so happy for her. She has finally attained the happiness she's been looking for all these while. She found herself a great company of friends and she's enjoying what she's studying. Life really couldn't be greater. I feel like, to a certain extent, my job with her is done. She is now standing strong on her own.

Now, I just got to move onto my next target. Heal another person, give them a little love, and bless them with whatever I have. There's no reason behind kindness, no rationality... I just think that everyone deserves to be loved and everyone deserves a great friend. I try to be that friend sometimes and in doing so, I've been a bad daughter and a bad sister. I've turned selfish and I've narrowed my world into a little tiny circle comprising of people I choose to care about and rejecting others I refuse to love.

I thought I was all about being open-minded but the more I reflect on myself, the more close-minded I find myself to be. I discriminate against people. I hate them for their actions. I can't forgive those who trespass against me and neither can I forgive myself for my transgressions. I can't see love. I turn my eyes everywhere on this Earth and somehow I'm still blinded. I'm wearing society's glasses and hatred is in abundance.

I watched a video from Buzzfeed titled "I'm a Christian, but I'm not" and it spoke up against the stereotypes of being a Christian in America, particularly against the issue of homosexuality. Perhaps it was out of my curiosity or perhaps it was not. Either way I continued watching, wondering how they would address this issue since it's been blatantly stated in the Bible that homosexuality is against the teachings of God.

And true to my predictions, every Christian in that video had nothing against queers. Some of them were even queer Christians themselves. I guess I was just left more confused than ever. I don't know sometimes if I'm supportive of gay rights or against them to be really honest with you. If you ask me, I don't really care if you're part of the LGBT community or not. I've long grown out of the yaoi fangirl phase. Gays don't faze me anymore. Perhaps that's why I'm struggling with YunJae so much. I just simply cannot be bothered with it. Why is everyone harping on this stupid sexual orientation identifications crap anyway? We speak of these labels like they matter to us when it really doesn't. Why the fuck will I care about your boyfriend/girlfriend if I am not your boyfriend/girlfriend? Who you love matters not to me and I'm sick of these societal impositions on me. Why are we so invasive as human beings? Does it truly matter who we are or where we come from? (Don't get me started on racism please)

I'm so tired of being labelled as being stupid or naive just because I subscribe to my Christian beliefs. I'm religious because I fucking want to. What's the issue with that? The difference in our beliefs is not indicative of our levels of intelligence unless, of course, you are part of the gang in America that believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have no words to describe that religion at all. No words.

But other than that, well, what's the difference between you and me? I don't discriminate against your beliefs so why do I feel like ever since the whole City Harvest fiasco, Christians in Singapore are being labelled as sheeples. We're not stupid, dammit. We have brains just like the tiny ones that reside in your skulls. We do financial planning and we don't give our money up for nothing. There's a reason and there's a purpose to it. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.

I don't know. I don't understand where that sudden burst of anger came from. I guess I'm just annoyed. People react negatively whenever I tell them I'm a Christian. Apparently, it's now considered a sin in the world's eyes to be a Christian. I must have missed the memo for that. Geez.

*takes a deep breath in*

*counts to ten*

*exhales*

Alright. I'm much more calm than before now. I'm ready to continue again. Continue what? I don't know. I'm a mess of thoughts and scrambled words in my mind. My brain's mush. A pile of goo rotting in the darkness of its cavity. I'm dead to the world now. Fatigue and mind-racing thoughts can do that to someone like me who wasn't even active to begin with.

One thing I'm really happy about though is the positive feedback I've received from Nelli and Elsie regarding my recent blog entries. Nelli loved the entry on forgiveness and Elsie says she likes my blogging for some reason (perhaps she misses it too much). I'm glad my writing's improving. To my eyes, nothing has changed at all but perhaps to the readers, the changes are more evident. How will I ever know? Still, I'm thankful that people are reading this blog. Blogging has always been my way of expressing my feelings to my loved ones to save myself the physical embarrassment of actually baring my soul out to others and watching them flinch so, it makes me really happy that people bother reading this huge chunk of words. It makes my heart feel loved so thank you.

I remember speaking with Elsie about the various writing platforms I have and she was awed by me because she couldn't see how one could maintain all these platforms at once. Well, I don't maintain all of them. I update my Dayre regularly because it's mobile-friendly unlike Blogger and it's easy to use when it comes to cataloguing the events of the day. I use Blogger here when I want to speak about serious issues or just to share an important moment/milestone in my life I believe every one of my friends should hear about to get updated with my life. Hence all these entries that are filled with a seemingly endless stream of words. Words are the noises I make to communicate with fellow homo sapiens much like the croak of a frog you'll hear outside your window. We aren't that different from those whom we label animals. One might even argue that we are in fact one.

God. I really have no idea what I'm blabbing on about. My body's tired but my mind isn't. It wants to keep going on and on. It's like an accident just waiting to happen and I'm just waiting for the other ball to drop...

for it to drop like grapes... 

grapes grapes grapes.

Alright. I'm really exhausted. I'm just gonna go to bed. Good bye peeps. Thanks for reading it through.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT

under the guidance of the moon

-________HAMEL_________-

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose

such a ray of light we never knew.

Gone too soon"

Daughtry - Gone Too Soon

You were gone too soon and I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

Alright that's going to be the only emo line of this post LOL. My main focus of today is to upload all the photos from my Tree Top Walk trip with Elsie onto this blog! :D So I'm just going to spam all the photos HAHAHA. (without captions)

I ended up wasting 6 hours of my life to make this little video montage instead HAHA.

Elsie, this video is for you:

My computer hanged and I wasted all the bloody time for nothing -_______________-

Alright that's it then. Blogpost is over~

I wasted another hour and I did the entire video again.

-.- ELSIE TAY YA XIN, 你最好给我看的一清二楚。