aktf

“… like the flowers which are planted in too rich a soil, strength and usefulness are sacrificed to beauty; and the flaunting leaves, after having pleased a fastidious eye, fade, disregarded on the stalk, long before the season when they ought to have arrived at maturity.”

- M.W. Shelley

I am excited yet terrified for school at the same time. There's so much to be done: books to be bought, lessons to be scheduled and time to be managed and I don't think I've got it all down yet. I am so unprepared for the upcoming semester that I haven't even caught up to my readings. Haha. It's only the first week of the semester and I'm already lagging behind. Good job, Amelia, good job!

Still, despite these overwhelming worries and fears, I am really thankful that school is opening its doors once more. I feel like I'm ready for challenges now and I'm learning to open the doors of my heart to others. I'm ready to fight and nothing is going to snatch my faith away from me.

I'm sick and tired of feeling fear. I'm getting up and I'm taking a stand against it. I'm ditching my pride. I'm rendering myself vulnerable. There's strength in weakness. There's hope for the broken. We'll come out of this braver. We'll emerge as victors. The light is with us and I know we can all do things if we just set our hearts to believe, 

It's funny actually because I told Vincent I wouldn't blog about my feelings tonight but I'm doing it now. Well, the truth is, I don't want to blog about it. I want to hide every weakness away. I want to fit myself into the tiny hole I've imposed in my heart and never let anything out ever again, but doing that wouldn't be honest and it wouldn't be fair to myself.

I want to help others because I know how long those nights can be. I know how mornings can be dreadful and beds can be heaven. I know how every single mistake you make feels like a personal failure and I want to be the one who wipe your tears away and tell you that it's not your fault, that you're still perfect and reflections lie anyway so don't believe them. It's not what you see in the mirror that matters. It's your soul, your character and your heart that will shine.

But how can I do that when I'm not even honest with myself?

So from now on, my goal I guess is to be honest with others and myself and to hold myself responsible for every decision I make. I remember someone once said these words to me, "The first time you do something wrong, it's a mistake. The second time you do it, it's a choice. The third time you do it, it's a commitment; it's a promise you make to yourself to repeat the same mistakes again and again."

And I know better than anyone how addictions can be painful and difficult to overcome so I want to be honest about emotions throughout this whole rehab process. I don't want to lie or even pretend that I'm fine when I'm not and if that means taking a break from crowds at times, I'll gladly do it even if it offends anyone I know of.

More than that, I pray for a bigger heart to accommodate all the love that people have shown to me and to give back to others the way I have been blessed. I want to be the optimistic girl that gives people hope in their tough times. I want to be a girl that can look back on this year 2016 and tell myself that I've done me proud and I've ditched the addictions I said I would.

So let's all become stronger together okay? There may be serious tough times ahead but I believe that if you and I work together and keep one another in our hearts, the bonds among us will be enough to overcome the trials and tribulations ahead.

ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH.

;))