Reflection

Term tests are in a week's time. I suppose I should feel nervous and stressed out but for now, I'm just numb. I just can't bring myself to be bothered about studies you know? Everything's just piling up sometimes. Sighs. I hate it when night falls and I get all emo and cranky haha.

Anyway, I was just browsing through my photos on Facebook yesterday and oh gosh, how much have I grown man! I am no longer the little girl I used to be. I am not very big now either lol. (no weight references here please) But damn man, time really flies huh?

Two years ago, I was 16 years old. I was lost and aimless. The journey to my future seemed endless and bleak. Where would I go? Where would I end up at? I remembered thinking like that. Though I was unsure of the path I was going to take, I still anticipated it. I still embraced it.

It's entirely different now though. I'm just closing my eyes now and muddling through life. Not gonna think about the future for now. It's too scary. Everything seems nothing but a path of thorns right ahead. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be? 2 years later and I still have no answer for this. Life's pretty scary huh?

Now I'm just wondering along and letting the wind blow me to where I'm supposed to be. I'm not gonna hesitate. I'm not gonna look back. 2012 was a year of realizations and reflections but 2013 is different. I can see it even now. Every single minute, every single second, something's changing within me, be it my demeanor, my gait, my self esteem, my emotions, whatever it is, it's changing. My love for some things are growing, my love for others are shirking away. I'm growing. Be it for the better or for the worse, I'm gonna accept it. It's time I start accepting myself for who I am huh? :D

I was just listening to X Japan's songs on the bus journey home today when it struck me how emo the songs actually are haha. Then, I start to think back to my past when I was in secondary school and I was just stumped by my own actions. Why was I acting so emo back then? There was really nothing in my life to complain about. Why didn't I treasure what I had back then? Idiot me.

It took me the death of my grandmother to realise the price and value of life. It took me the death of my hamster to understand responsibility and loss. It took me the death of my other grandmother for me to mature and learn to care about others, especially my parents cause if you think about it, it's their mothers dying and they've known them for all the years of their lives, of course they're gonna be more affected and of course they're gonna be more upset. I was just too dumb to realise it till then.

And now, at the age of 18, I can't say I've matured too much. I'm still the same old me essentially. I'm still goofy, unreasonable, judgmental, selfish and all the bad things you can name about me in the past. I have not changed in that sense, but you know what, no matter how much I refuse to admit it, I've become more of a crybaby than I was in the past. 

I cry at every thing now. Movies, shows, animes, dramas... Name it, and most probably I would have cried over it already. I'm pathetic lol. What's with tears and me man? Didn't I promise myself to not cry anymore? Why do I keep breaking promises to myself lol?

*inhales deeply*

In any case, that doesn't matter now does it? If the year of 2012 was reflections and realisations, then the year of 2013 would be the year of changes and revelations. I've gained new insights about the things I'm seeing around me and the world I currently live in. Can't say love it but can't say I hate either. It's not all black and white. It's truly engraved within me now. I shouldn't judge so hastily. I should open my heart to others, I should embrace them with love and kindness, cause you never know it but that might turn out to be the best decisions you've ever made in your life.

Being around others, feeling their emotions, hearing their problems... I'm actually growing stronger through their experiences but I never came to realise that. Now, I'm just content with how my life has played out. I've gained so many new friends this year. I'm so happy about that. A friend is precious. They're like gems. They brighten up your life when you're covered in nothing but misery and darkness. They're there for you when you're aimless and lost. They'll always love you no matter what you do/did. Friends last a lifetime. :)

Usually when I reach till this point of the blogpost, I would start going on and on about how thankful I am to each and every friend in my life but for now, I'm just gonna leave you with this song since nothing can express my gratitude enough. :')

"多希望我是盞燭光　在你需要時候發亮當你迷失指引方向　讓你脆弱時不再迷惘
我的心是一片海洋　可以溫柔卻有力量
在這無常的人生路上我要陪著你不棄不散"

Random; taken from Suuswen

1. First ever kpop group.

DONG BANG SHIN KI! ^^

2. Kpop group that made you kept listening to Kpop.

DONG BANG SHIN KI! ^^

3. Favourite boy group.

DONG BANG SHIN KI! ^^

4. Favourite girl group.

I'm not really a fan of girl groups but if you ask me to choose one, it'll be 2NE1.

Unless we're talking about other media too then I'll pick S.H.E. cause they're my favourite! ^^

5. Favourite solo artist.

RAINNNNNNNNNNNNN~~~~

It's raining men~

6. Top 5 guy biases.

Taha. Do you really wanna know? :DDD

Yunho, Changmin, Junsu, Jaejoong, Yoochun. ^^

7. Top 5 girl biases.

Erm.. Kpop?

All the members of 2NE1.

Cpop: Ella, Hebe, Selina, Fanfan, Amei

8. Top 5 songs you won't get tired of listening to.

Let's just do Dong Bang...

• Love in the Ice
• Rising Sun
• Balloons
• Bolero
• W

9. Top 5 most played songs on your phone currently.

That's not fair. ;;______;; I just changed my phone recently. :( Alright. Fine. I SHALL CHECK.

They're all Christian songs. Shan't mention them here.

10. 5 artists/group you don't stan but enjoy their songs.

Young Saeng from SS501, Big Bang, 2PM, 2AM and 2NE1.

11. #1 bias in each group.

Well, Young Saeng's my bias lol, followed by T.O.P., Chansung, Jokwon and Minzy.

(Fool me thought qns 11 and 10 were related. -.- If it's DBSK then it's JUNG YUNHO.)

12. Top MalexMale OTP.

YUNJAE! DUH? They're the cutest ever! :)

13. Top FemalexFemale OTP

None.

14. Top MalexFemale OTP

Don't really have one but if I have to choose it'll be JoKwon and Gain.

15. How many albums you own.

Erm.. All Dong Bang that's for sure.

1. In Heaven (JYJ)
2. Catch Me
3. O Jung Ban Hup
4. Colors and Melody
5. In the Beginning (JYJ)
6. Secret Code live tour
7. Mirotic live tour
8. MINE (Jaejoong)
9. Uncommitted (Junsu)

Yeps. 9 albums.

16. How many official posters you own.

3 official posters from In the Beginning, MINE and Catch Me.

17. Idol you look up to.

All of Dong Bang members. All 5 of them. Yunho the most though. XD

18. Group I look up to.

DBSK and X Japan (if Jap bands are included)

19. A group that you would spend every penny on.

DBSK.

20. How many concerts you've been to?

Sadly, none.

21. How many fansignings have you been to?

Sadly, once again, none.

22. Best dance group/solo.

DONG BANG SHIN KI!! ^^

23. Best vocalist.

Everyone in DongBang except for maybe Yunho. :X (if he keeps up the improvement he'll be included in by the year end)

24. Best choreography.

The choreographer who created the dance moves for Catch Me, Rising Sun, Mirotic etc.

25. The group you'll be with no matter what:

DONG BANG SHIN KI!

26. Why you listen to 25.

Cause if not for them, I wouldn't really be who I am today. Yunho taught me to be a leader. Jaejoong taught me to care. Junsu taught me to always be of good cheer. Yoochun taught me how to hang in there and cry at the appropriate time. Changmin taught me that being mean is okay, but I must never be afraid to show care when a loved one needs it. They've done so much for me, how can I not listen to their songs? Besides, their voices are already enough. THEY HAVE THE SKILLS. Who wouldn't listen to their almost perfect harmonization?

27. Favourite album from your No. 1 group/artist.

JYJ - The EP that had W and Itsudatte no Kimi ni

DBSK - Mirotic

HoMin - Catch Me

28. Favourite era.

MIROTIC!!!

29. Unpopular opinion about no. 25.

They're old. They're outdated. They'll never come back as five.. etc.

(Well, fuck you too.)

30. Top 5 boy groups.

1. DBSK
2. H.O.T.
3. ShinHwa
4. Super Junior
5. Big Bang

31. Top 5 girl groups.

1. Wonder Girls
2. 2NE1
3. 4 Minute
4. Davichi
5. Idon'thaveanymore

TADA~ End. :D

Original blogpost by Suuswen: click me

A LEVELS ARE OVER!! ^^

The title's so misleading lol. It's as though I'm in JC haha. I'm not though. :D I don't know to be happy or sad over that fact. On the other hand, if not for poly, I wouldn't have meet so many awesome people in my life so yay! ^^ Poly's cool.

Anyway, to Elsie and Yilian, CONGRATULATIONS. Your life in JC is finally offically over. You won't be stepping into Nanyang Junior College/Yishun Junior College till you get your grades so cool~ IT'S HOLIDAYS NOW WOOHOOOOOO~~

Let's take a minute of silence to celebrate that haha.

-silence-

Okay. YAY!! PARTY AWAY MAN GIRLS! It's HOLIDAYS. Woohoo. NO MORE BIO. NO MORE SHIT. NO MORE ANYTHINGGGGG!

It's party time~ Hell yeah! :D

Alright. I don't have much to post anymore lol. I need to go back to studying (YES I KNOW EEEKS. STUDYING. EEEKKKKSSSS) cause my exams are in a week's time. Haha. And btw, Elsie, you're really cute.

I'm not feeling suicidal or anything now okay? Haha. So your blogpost, though sweet, was completely unnecessary.

Have a nice day guys!

:D

weird post

Hi. Yes. I'm still alive. Sorry for not blogging for the past few days. I was too lazy to do so hahaha. Now, since I just read through Nelli's post about her being depressed at all, I thought I shall just comment a bit here on my blog.

Firstly, I don't think someone who is actually depressed and suicidal will admit that they are when asked. Nope. They will keep thinking they are fine, and when they realised they are not, they will convince themselves they are anyway. Perhaps they think they are a burden to other people. Perhaps they regret their very existence. Perhaps that's why they never dare to share their deepest thoughts with their friends and family. No one will understand anyway. No one knows how it feels like.

Well, the thing about depression is this, it's specific to each individual. Even if I were to get depression, it'll be a different experience from you or any other people in the planet. Therefore, it's impossible for someone to understand how it feels like. He/she will never know because he/she will go through something completely different from what you're going through.

So, that's why I'm not claiming that I know a thing either. I don't think I have ever been depressed before. Come to think of it, those days that I used to cut seems nothing but a blur right now. I guess you can say I'm over that kind of lifestyle now. I'm tired of feeling sad all the time if that makes sense. I just thought to myself, "Amelia, snap out of it. Self pity isn't going to take you anywhere. Get yourself together and move on!"

Still, I know me saying this doesn't help anything. It's different from you and you probably don't really care haha, but that's alright with me. Since it's my blog, I'm entitled to blog whatever I want right? So even if this bores the hell out of everyone, I'm still gonna continue blogging it anyway.

Here's my experience... I'm presenting it to you on a silver platter. I don't know if this even helps you but I figure I'll give it a shot anyway. Some of these thoughts are still in me, some are long gone. Either way, here's me; transparent to the bone.

I can pick up my story from the part I start cutting when I was in secondary two but you already know about that don't you? I can't remember if I actually told you that or not. :/ I have a really bad memory huh? Heehee. Alright. Back to business. So here's how things go...

I was a Secondary 2 kid. Back then, my problems felt like mountains and I actually felt suffocated under the pressure. CCA was hell cause I was the only tuba player there since my seniors were all stuck in remedials and I was constantly scolded for not playing well enough. In fact, I don't think my conductor could even hear me hahaha. I was such a failure back then. My studies weren't really fantastic either. I mean, sure, they were okay. They were average. I was gonna survive but somehow, it just wasn't enough for me.

Being the youngest in my family, I had this insane urge to surpass my eldest sister in terms of studies. Of course, I never did. She's way too smart. However, back then, I was obsessed. I wanted to win her so badly. In my mind, I thought that if I could win her, then perhaps my parents will be happy with me and I don't know, shower more attention on me?

That didn't work out at all. I couldn't get the grades I wanted. I was failing in CCA. I remembered thinking to myself then: What good am I if I can't even excel in either CCA or grades? Why am I so lousy? Why am I such a failure?

I don't know when did my self esteem start dropping, but it was a sharp decline till it hit rock bottom. I began to hate myself, though I didn't realise it back then. I just felt this emptiness inside of me, this inexplainable hatred and pain... It was with these exact feelings that I made my first cut, with a correction tape nonetheless.

At first, it was painful. Then, when I saw my own blood flowing out of my wound, my brain went crazy. All I thought about actually was that I wanted to see more blood coming out from me. I wanted the colour of fresh red blood. I was so fascinated by it. I don't know why too but perhaps it's blood-lust? Maybe I do have a little of that. I mean, I would never know would I? 

So yes, ever since then, I would cut whenever I felt sad or angry. It didn't make much sense to me at that time. Now thinking back to it, I can't even think why would I do something as stupid as that. Maybe I'm really dumb haha. It was scary though. Scary cause I couldn't stop. Scary cause I love watching myself bleed. Scary cause keeping such a secret in you is so vile and so toxic...

You know, people always ask those people who self-harm themselves: Did it take the pain away? After you cut, did the pain disappear?

I remember Vincent asking me that question too. Looking at his eyes that were filled with curiosity, I just said this: It does take away the pain, but only in that instant when you're making that incision. After that, it's pain double fold.

That's why people continue cutting I guess. Because cutting is only a temporary relief and it will never be a permanent one. I know you're feeling upset and all that stuff now but please, don't go down this path of cutting.

It's a scary and dark path. It WON'T take any pain away. It'll just intensify it. You'll live with self hatred for the rest of your life, dear. It's being reminded of your failures every single day as you stare at your scars and still weakly whispering to yourself that you're alright, that you're okay. It's facing your fears as you spot every sharp object or blade and the temptation strikes you in the face. It's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. Even till now, it takes me time to look at those ugly marks on my skin and tell myself that it's over, that I'm not returning to it ever again.

I used to be so selfish, see? I destroyed my own body regardless of how my friends and family think. They were worried, but I ignored them and threw their feelings aside. All I thought about back then was how much of a failure I was and how much I really needed to die. I won't lie. That's how I felt back then and maybe sometimes now.

I remember in our animal handling and restraint practical last semester, I couldn't scruff a cat properly. It felt like the whole world ended back then. I was thinking to myself, "I'm such a horrible person that even cats don't like me. How horrible can I get?"

And as those thoughts roamed through my head, I was wandering outside the animal facility aimlessly, my legs walking in weird random directions. Then, I came to stop on one of the floors at concourse area just above the car park.

It's so weird. It would have been so easy back then. I just had to flip myself over the "fence" and I would have gone down and died. It would be over in one jump. Haha. Such an irony! It's so easy for someone to commit suicide in TP I wonder why people even head to bedok reservoir haha.

I would save that bus fare.

#justsaying

Anyway, I stopped in my tracks and all the thoughts ceased within me. It was just that one second but just as I was struggling to make a decision, just as I was conflicting within myself, an image of my family and friends just floated into my mind and I told myself then that: No, I couldn't die. I made a promise with Elsie to be friends forever with her. I need to honour that promise.

So Elsie, you should really be proud of yourself. If not for your existence, perhaps that day I would have lost it and really jumped haha. Thank God I didn't though. XD I don't want to die so young.

:D

In honesty, I don't know what this blog post is about anymore. It's supposed to be comforting but it doesn't seem to seem that way. Hmm... LOL. Just Nelli, think carefully. Do you truly wanna walk down that path? There's no turning back you know? I wish I could make you promise me not to think such thoughts again but I know it's not possible. I can't expect that from you, I know that, but can I at least expect you to not act on your impulsive thoughts?

Cause you know, Death is already constantly surrounding us. We don't need an additional reminder of it.

Stay strong girl. You can do it. :)

Sometimes, the only way out is not to let go but to hold on. Sometimes, that is the true test of strength itself. 

JIAYOUS!

:D

And bye!

(Hope this post doesn't depress anyone hahahaha.) 

PHONE RIP :(

This is gonna be a quick update cause I'm dead tired now and I want to sleep so yeah... :/

Firstly, my phone is DEADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

It auto deleted Whatsapp and Google Play. The messaging function crashes every single time so if you really URGENTLY need to contact me, please call. I'm sorry if your phone bills increase because of this. Alternatively, you can call me to tell me to call you LOL. JUST DON'T TEXT ME. I can't receive messages. :/

-sad life-

Alright. That's it. I'm lazy to blog further. BYEEEEE!

weird

Was talking to Cassandra today over the phone since she announced to me yesterday that her male hamster named Yunho died. While I was comforting her, I realised that I was actually echoing my experiences in the past. Feels weird but I kinda felt like I was being transported back in time. It's really surreal. Watching Cassandra experience what I experienced 4 years ago, it just hit me real and there that I've really grown since then.

I've also learned something else: The only way to move on is not to forget. Truly, forgetting is a cowardice action. Why would you want to forget what makes you happy and what makes you sad? It's all those feelings that makes you who you are! It's all those emotions that speak of your growth in your maturity. It's called aging lol.

It's weird how I view things in a different way now. Back then, all I thought of was myself. Worse still, I thought I wasn't thinking about myself. How dumb can I get? I was am selfish back then and now. Well, at least I'm aware of that now.

I don't think I can ever stop being selfish. I don't think I can ever stop exhibiting ostrich behaviour. Enough is enough. How long can I keep running away from things that scare me anyway? It took me about 10 freaking years for me to step back into my first church; to the church I grew up in, pathetic much?

I panic easily. It's a trait I find irritating to say the least. It pisses me off. I don't want to keep running away. I don't want to bury emotions deep down in my chest and pretend they don't exist. Shimin's right. Michelle's right. I do still love band. I do miss my tuba. Why the hell am I pretending I'm not?

It's only after my eyes are forcibly opened that I see the truth beneath every lie. I don't love my hamsters? I won't cry when they die? I bet my own ass I'll be red eyed when they die. I know it. I'm overly emotionally attached most of the time, but you know what? Fuck that. At least, I'm living a life I want to. It's a life I'm proud of.

Anyway, since we're onto the topic of honesty, let's might as well mention about how insecure I actually am towards friendship. Why the hell not? I mean, it's easier that way right? I don't have to keep explaining myself. I'll bet ya Sien wonders why I haven't contacted her these days. She probably thinks I'm just making use of her whenever I need help or that sorta shit. Well, it isn't like that okay? I mean, have you ever thought of it the other way around? You have SO MANY friends in poly it's obvious I feel like I'll be intruding on you most of the time right? I mean.. the same goes for Shimin too. You guys have friends in poly? Why would I wanna bother you? Doesn't sound right to me. Back then when Tingwei had friends in poly, I didn't bother about her either. I guess I'm just really tired of all the clique nonsense back then in my poly semester. I mean, it did hurt my heart and I'm fine now but the point is it did leave a scar. I know how I say I always trust people and shit but hey, guess what, I actually don't.

Oddly enough...

I'm weird. I grant you that. I'm just an emotional wreck sailing like TITANNUMMMMMMMMMM~

Or maybe this is just PMS?

WHO KNOWS?!

ROFL.

kk. Ending here. BYEEEEEE~


如果要学会坚强就要先学会落泪。

Happy Birthday Nelli

Hi. Yes, I'm blogging not because I don't want to write a letter out but rather because I thought blogging would be more appropriate seeing that you blogged my birthday message to me too. So yes, Nelli, this whole post is dedicated to you! :)

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You're so old now hahaha. You're 18 years old. That's really old hahaha. Oh well, at least you haven't hit 20 yet. ;X Don't worry. I promise I'll minimise the teasing when it's your birthday next year.

Now, what should I say? I'm pretty confused myself. Throughout these years we both have known each other, we both have been through a lot of struggles and challenges so to speak. Sometimes the journey gets so tough and we're all thinking of giving up but somehow or another, when two shares the same pain, the burden feels lighter.

I guess that's the essence of friendship huh? Sharing our woes and joy... It's a remarkable feeling to have you as a friend. I just thought I needed to say that. Of course, things now are different from the past. We're not in the same clique as before. Still, time may move on but memories will remain forever. You don't remember? Well, here's a recollection of your unglam moments cause I rock just like that.

 

 

 

HAHA. I have more unglam ones but I've decided to spare you, ain't I kind? XDD Seeing these pictures really makes me reminisce back to the past. We've really grown huh? In a span of a year, you've gotten yourself a boyfriend, you've gained more self esteem and you've garnered yourself a new clique.

You've grown in ways I never would have thought possible. You're more matured than before. You don't spout the first thing that comes from your mouth anymore. You've entered into a relationship with Joel. You've learned to give and take but most importantly, you've expanded your social circle.

The shy girl I used to know is gone and in replacement, there's this brave girl I knew was hiding inside all along. I'm happy with this change in you and I'm sure you are as well. Be it whatever that may come from henceforth, I know that you will have the courage to face all the obstacles alone. Besides, you have Joel, Bernard and Melvin.

Thank God I supported this couple in getting together huh? Despite all the mumbles and whines I hear from you, I know deep down that no other guy has made you as happy as Joel did. If not for Joel, you probably would not have realised how love is right? So go on girl, and maintain this relationship. Take this as a chance for both you and Joel to grow into each other. I'll be waiting for the wedding invitation years later okay?

And yes, of course I must mention your dog Toto. See, now you're taking more responsibilities than usual! You're turning into a more responsible adult! Be proud of yourself. Stop comparing others to yourself. I mean I read your blog sometimes and I don't get why you're constantly comparing yourself to others. Even if others are good, so what? Even if others are smarter, so what? Ultimately, there's something in you that makes you YOU that no one else can ever compete to. That's why you're Nelli. That's why you have your Sisterhood, Lizhen, me and all the other friends surrounding you. That's why you have Joel as a boyfriend. We didn't be friends with you cause you think you're dumb. We're friends with you because we LIKE you believe it or not, and we stick to our decisions right? (No, not that way. That way's only for Joel to like.)

I know you've lost faith in many people. I know it was tough for you last semester. In fact, life's just gonna get tougher from now on. Still, think of life as a journey won't you? We all have one another. We all are one another's lights in these times of darkness. As long as we keep shining with the love we have in us, we'll never get lost. :)

Alright. Enough of the mushy stuff. That's totally not my style. Here's a troll gift for you, and lastly, happy birthday NELLI LIM JIA JI! :D

Please don't kill me. :(

 

Teehee. :P

Rant on Sucky School

I'm getting really obsessed with Young Saeng's voice these days. In fact, I'm hearing his songs more than Jaejoong's new album WWW. (OOPS.) Nah. It's not Young Saeng's fault actually. I just wanted to take a mini break from the fandom Cassiopeia. I still love my DBSK but the drama sometimes is just a little overwhelming. (Actually the main reason why I'm not hearing Jaejoong's WWW is cause I'm unhappy with him for his UNHEALTHY dieting habits.) Besides, school's being such a bitch that I'm getting REALLY annoyed with it. -.-

Every week there's a test. Next week's Animal Health and Diseases. Next next week's Clinical Diagnostics 1. Can you give us a freaking break? I can't believe this. I can't even imagine how my classmates in attachment are gonna survive. :( It's crazy!

Know what's more insane? THIS ATTACHMENT THING IS GOING TO BE FOR NEXT SEMESTER TOO! Like hello? How are we supposed to be studying and getting good grades if YOU put so much shit together. Do we look like robots or androids to you?

Basically what's with this attachment shit is that we are gonna be divided into three batches and going to Mount Pleasant Clinics for attachment. If you belong to the first or third batch, your life will suck real bad because it'll be: Mon - Wed: School Thurs - Sun: Attachment.

7 days of a week with no break.

WHO INVENTED THIS SHIT I ASK YOU?! *rage flips* To think that I'm gonna go through this next year is killing me! (My attachment's from 16 Jan - 7Feb) IT'S INSANE I'M TELLING YA. School's making me go on a diet because I literally am too tired to even eat. Dinners are always skipped on Tuesday lol.

Stupid school. So yeah, that's why I don't have school on Thursday and Friday every week. :) Yay to me! HAHA. Enjoy now and suffer later. T^T Remind me why am I subjecting myself to such torture again? *sulks*

And I don't care if Nelli reads this but her birthday's on Tues and I've literally not bought anything for her yet. I tried to DIY today. Drove myself mad. Not gonna repeat that experience anytime soon. URGH. What happened to my creative juices? SCHOOL! I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. :((

Oh and guys, I'm so happy Dual Destinies' gameplay is out. I'm just afraid to watch it cause I know I'll never stop haha. DAMMIT term break. Arrive already so that I can slack! I need to watch my Phoenix Wright! I've waited for this for years!! Miles Edgeworth appears in this too and you don't know how badly I'm shipping them! THEY BETTER TALK MORE THAN 1 MINUTE OR I'M KILLING SOMEONE HERE. CAPCOM, YA HEAR ME?

Alright. I've really gone off the bonkers this time. Ignore me guys, crazy bitch here talking lol. My life's a huge heap mess of rollercoaster LOL. YAY TO ME! *smiles*

 

For tomorrow's RPO roadshow... HWAITING!

 

 

P.S. Suuswen didn't leave SGC. Her account got hacked. It's a false alarm. :DD

SuuSwen leaving SGC? :(

Warning: This is gonna be an emo post. Don't read it if you don't wish to see emo emo Amelia appearing.

-sighs-

Actually, I have nothing to blog too. I'm just in a gloomy mood. Sighs. Don't you think sometimes that certain friends can't last for life? Or rather, fandom friends. I know she's my friend. I treat her as a friend too. I don't know why she leaving Singapore Cassiopeia affects me so much. I just feel like crying and it's so absurd because Amelia never cries over such stuff, ever.

Suuswen, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this either. :( I think I'm having a real problem differentiating between fandom friends and real life friends. Still, what you said in the past was right, "We don't have to stop being friends just because of this." I know. I understand that. It's just a real shock to me. :( Why did you leave? :((

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying this. *slaps self* This changes nothing. I need to accept the fact that you're gonna concentrate fully on SS501 from now on! ;D Good luck kay? If being a Triple S brings you such joy I should feel happy too. Besides, it's not like you're leaving Cassiopeia fandom, you're just spending more time on your first love, SS501 which is totally logical and acceptable. :)

Have fun, and let's hang out soon okay?

Giving you Junsu's bright smile here. :)

"For every beginning, there's always an ending. For every smile, there's always a tear. For every light shone, there's always a shadow. For every loss, there's always love and love will encompass everything impure and take all of it away."

School sucks = Normal

Hey guys, remember that time I said I was going to St John's Island to help in the spaying of cats? Well, Kenneth has kindly written up an article for us haha, so basically here's the link, go check out my ugly face lol.

Here.

I don't know why I'm in so many photos lol. I can't even recognise myself in some pictures. :( I do look REALLY different in scrubs huh? I almost look professional except that I don't know what I'm doing most of the time wahaha.

Alright. I know I'm supposed to give an update about my life but fuck that shit. It's just the same old over and over again. School sucks. School's killing us. School is so extremely BORING. What's new? LOL. Oh. I've screwed up royally for my Clinical Diagnostics 2's test. Now there's Animal Health and Diseases next week. I'm worried for that too.

I don't understand if I'm just naturally unintelligent or if science truly isn't my cup of tea. I can't seem to grasp important concepts all the time and it pisses me off immensely! It's as though I'm the only dumb shit who can't understand English. Seriously, Amelia, just suck it up and pretend to be smart. Someday, pretence will turn into reality. #logic

Did I say recently I'm really addicted to Young Saeng's voice? He's a member from SS501 and he has an amazing voice. That's pretty much what I know about him haha. I just fell in love with his voice at first sight. It's really beautiful. It has a little tremor in it and from the tremors and vibrato, you can feel that melancholic sense of loss and pain. GOSH. His voice is really gorgeous! ;D

His voice is unique that's all I can say haha. Don't worry guys, I won't turn into a Triple S. I only just love Young Saeng's voice a lot. I don't know about the rest so yeah... I'm not listening to SS501's songs most of the time. I only heard their song "Love like this" I think. *struggles to remember*

SIGHS. I shall insert a picture of Changmin here cause why the fuck not? He's my motivation to study now. I mean that dude has all the reasons NOT to study with his crazy insane hectic schedule but look, he's gonna obtain his phd and masters soon. I mean, this guy already has two degrees, what the hell is wrong with him? By degree I meant masters by the way. :( CRAZY INANE ASSHOLE.

And Yoochun just spoke today that JYJ are gonna enlist in the army next year. I guess that means that my solo album from Park Yoochun shii is never gonna come true huh? :( Damn you Yoochun! I've been waiting for your solo album since forever!! *pouts*

I should sign off here now, seeing as I have really nothing to blog about anymore and if I carry on fangirling I think you guys will get put off so yeah... SAYONARA~~

tired

Feeling really tired even though I did nothing today. :/ What's wrong with me lol? I wake up at 2pm and it's no difference from waking up at 6am for me. I feel equally tired. Body, seriously, wake up. Now's not the time for you to go berserk on me.

So yes, went for briefing today and after that just kinda hanged out at Sien's house. Fun as usual though I did leave with quite a heavy heart. Beats me why lol. Tried out the Persona game and it was fun, or at least as fun as it can get with games. Haha.

Got my birthday gift from her. A bear like cushion that's worth 10 bucks. She said it's supposed to be Yunho. I don't even fangirl these days so I'm just nodding my head dumbly and saying thanks. Btw, Nelli gave me the poppin' cookin' thing that's making donuts. I heard it tasted yucky so I'm not really keen on trying it but haha, I will try it one of these days. Hopefully if all goes to plan I'll try it when I'm with Elsie. (if we ever meet up that is) I have a feeling she'll enjoy shit like this. :')

Just really moody these few days. I blame it on menses. HAHA. I don't know la but school's kinda really sucky now and I don't know all the practical techniques to be honest and I think I'm just gonna go to the clinic and get scolded the fuck outta myself. Why am I even in this course lol? I have more potential to actually kill the animal than save it. Sighs. Sucky practical skills. What use is theory if you can't even do it? -________________________- Bo liao.

Sorry for the Singlish. Really tired now and all the nonsense are spouting out already. :'( Sighs. I guess I'm just worried I guess. Worried over studies. Worried over my stupid practical skills. Worried I'm gonna get an animal killed one of these days because of my stupid trembling hands. GRRRR. It's so infuriating. Why can't I be naturally talented at it? Why is everyone getting it but me? They are doing it so naturally. I'm the only one still stuck. I'm probably failing all my post labs to be honest and I can't even find it in myself to care. Can't even bring myself to study.

Stupid me.

-.-

Times like this I really miss hanging out with my friends. On the other hand, when I hang out with my friends, I don't talk about issues either. I guess I'm just weird. :( Grace's been saying that after graduation she wants to take us to Taiwan for holidays. I want to go too, but face it, at this rate, can I even graduate? :( I'm more interested in slacking all day than actually studying. I'm deserving all my lousy grades to be honest.

Everytime I'm worried over my grades, friends around me will tell me: Oh you. Don't worry. It'll always turn out fine.

Dude, it doesn't always turn out fine. I'm lucky most of the time but my luck will run out sooner or later, alright? Frustration here again. Gonna take it out on this stupid blog post. Don't get offended by anything in here. It's just my mouth going off without even being processed by my brain haha.

So my point is, I'm NOT smart. I wish I am but the truth is, no I'm not. I wish I was. :'( If only I can have like at least HALF of my sister's intelligence. I know I sound jealous now. Fuck it, I AM jealous. She's smart. My second sister's good in practical. I am like just IN BETWEEN. I don't know what I'm good in to be honest. URGH. -stops train of thought immediately-

Supposed to think of positive things not negative things. So much for change lol. I guess change's difficult huh? Mentally exhausting and physically tiring... Guess I've gotta start thinking positively lol.

Usually DBSK helps but fangirling just requires TOO MUCH energy and I'm not up for it these days. :( Feeling kinda apologetic towards Jaejoong. Shall just advertise here then: Jaejoong released his album WWW on 29 October so please go and support it if you love him as much as I do.

Alright. Advert's over. Game's over. Blogpost's over.