let go

I found out some truths recently. Got disappointed in some people I used to know. The matter was a small issue actually. I don't know why I got pissed by it. Feels like I get angered way too easily these days. Maybe it's because of my pride. Maybe it's because I'm disheartened easily. I don't know. Yet, in that instant when I let everything out and bitched with the Vincents about it, I felt instantly better. I especially loved the part when they told me that I had every right to be angry the way I did. It's petty anger yes, but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to it.

I guess I just feel like a burden's been off my shoulder and now I'm ready to move on. I told them I would write an entire blog post bitching about the matter but now, I'm tired. Talking about it wouldn't change a thing and it really is a small matter in the past now. It doesn't matter anymore.

No point holding onto anger. It accomplishes nothing at the end of the day. I really want to let go of the things that are holding me back and anger is one item on that huge list I've got in my head that needs to be struck off. 

I saw this quote online that made sense:

And angry in my case. So yeah! Here's me officially trying to let this all go. Think I'll fail terribly though. Wish me luck anyway.

BYEEE~~

cycling at pulau ubin

And I just got another scar to add to this mess.

Went cycling at Pulau Ubin today with Cheehan, Shimin and Shimin's poly friend, Ken. When Ken mentioned that the terrain there was tough for novice cyclists, I was already kinda hesitant about going there. However, since I was the one who suggested it in the first place, I persisted on. Couldn't let on that I was afraid of falling down. I was too prideful for that.

And so, you guessed it. I FELL. Sustained horrible injuries if I may exaggerate.

Despite my numerous injuries, I've gotta admit that Pulau Ubin is indeed a beautiful island. Seeing the mangroves and swamps just made me so excited I could literally squeal out loud. Being such an industrialised city, I'm thankful that the government still protects reserves areas such as Sungei Buloh Nature Reserve and islands like Pulau Ubin to preserve our ecosystem and conserve our native wildlife. Good job, government! I am proud of you for that haha.

Anyway, enough talking. Here are the pictures~~ (Some are taken by Shimin cause I loot them off her Facebook.)

WARNING: If you do not want to see my injuries, do not look further haha. According to Sien, they look like wartime injuries. I proudly call them my battle scars haha! *proud*

taken by Shimin

The sign that proudly greeted us the moment we stepped onto the island.

After that, we just rent our bicycles and began making our way up the trails.  

taken by Shimin

The sight is simply breathtaking. Sometimes we get too caught up in our city life in Singapore that we forget that such beauty still exists in Singapore. I'm really proud to say that our Pulau Ubin is fucking chio LOL.

taken by Cheehan

A we-fie before we continued on!

(the reason why I'm smiling so brightly is 'cause I haven't fallen down yet.)

Then, of course, I fell (twice).

And yes, they fucking hurt. It's like the stinging of those wounds ain't no joke man. :( Irony: I'm going for a health check next week for my NTU admission. Well, well, well, hahaha. Let's see what they'll have to say. Pretty sure I'm in tip top health condition though.

*laughs at own joke*

Monkey eating a durian! 

The wild boars that I have come for! ^-^

#anyinjuriesareforgotten

By the way, I am extremely grateful to one of the uncles there for helping me with my wounds (disinfectant and all) and teaching me how to use the brakes of the bike properly LOL. People are so nice there. You can really feel the kampong spirit heh. Further down the road, I met a Taiwanese teacher (who taught environmental biology) and she gave me a plaster and some disinfectant thingy. Why are people so damn kind to me? I feel guilty for not taking care of myself now. Thank you kind hearted people. I promise to cover my open wounds and make sure they don't get infected lol.

taken by Shimin

This place is really beautiful man. There are little shelters and benches along the way so it's really great for sea viewing. Since it's near the airport, you'll get to see aeroplanes flying across the sky too! It's really a perfect romantic date venue!

And of course we need a we-fie everywhere we go~

taken by Shimin

The mini shelter and benches I was talking about. We stopped for a little food break here~

Then we cycled on and found another chio as fuck place.

Our wefie as per standard protocol.

taken by Shimin

And a picture just of Shimin and I 'cause fuck the guys man.

taken by Shimin

The place in Pulau Ubin with the wild boars and monkeys. We walked down the mangrove area after our food break but sadly, we didn't manage to see any snakes. :(

Then we headed back to Changi Village for some refreshments cause I was too tired to cycle anymore.

In conclusion...

"Painful injuries were painful, but beautiful sights were too beautiful."

Pulau Ubin is definitely worth a visit if you've not been there. Just remember to bring more insect repellant and don't ever cycle there unless you're experienced.

THAT'S ALL. BYE BYE.

forgiveness

Hi. It's been a long long while since I've last blogged huh? I've gotten more time than before, yet, I haven't been writing nor blogging. I find it quite ironic sometimes haha. Maybe it's because as time goes by, I find it more difficult to blog about the things I want to talk about.

Some things are too personal and I don't want them on the blog. I've been thinking to myself: What exactly is the purpose of this blog? Is it meant to reach out to my friends or for me to express my thoughts to them?

I started this blog because I was afraid I would lose contact with my close friends as time goes by. Hence, I used this platform as a way for me to stay connected to them. Over the years, the blog has evolved into some form of a diary. Now, I don't know what it is. It's something I guess. A writing platform for me to express my thoughts about the affairs in my life.

Today's topic is gonna be about forgiveness. I've wanted to touch on this topic a long time ago. I just didn't know how to phrase it properly. Now, I don't really care. Whoever gets hurt, gets hurt. It's not up to me anymore.

I'm sure most of my friends will know that I had a falling out with Nelli a few months ago. I simply just told Nelli that I didn't want to be her friend. This has happened to Michelle and Yilian as well. Of all three, I think only Michelle and I sat down and had a talk regarding the events that transpired between us.

Whatever that caused the break in the friendship between Yilian and I remains a mystery till today. I guess it's easy to pin the blame all on her. It makes me feel better too, but I shouldn't be so biased. It takes two hands to clap. How can I blame her for everything when I surely had a part to play as well?

I think most of us don't like to admit when we're wrong. I won't lie. I don't like to admit it as well. Who likes it? Yet, brutal honesty is the only way we all can learn to correct ourselves and grow. Of all the friendship quarrels I've had, I've only been terribly honest about a few. The rest are just filled with lies and deceit.

Now, how is honesty linked to forgiveness you may ask. Well, honesty is the foundation of forgiveness. How can you begin to forgive someone if the person does not apologise for what she or he has done? And how is the person going to know if you're not honest with them about it?

I think that's the main reason why I fell out with Nelli in the end. Some part of me still hasn't forgiven her for everything that happened in the past. Even now, thinking of it makes me upset.

Sien said that primary school were the worst times of her life. I told her she had secondary school and poly life to make up for it. As for me, secondary school was the best time of my life. Poly was hell.

In poly, I learned the hard way that not all friends can be counted upon. In poly, I learned that in view of others, perhaps my happiness will never matter. I learned that I was the lowest priority in others' lives. I learned that being alone sometimes was better than being with someone else whose heart wasn't there.

I learned to live with loneliness and be contented with it.

I don't want to sound like I'm throwing a self-pity party for myself but I believe that it's only true honesty about my feelings that can repair the broken friendships between me and my friends.

Nelli, this part is especially for you.

You said you were deeply affected by the breakage in our friendship. I feel guilty to some extent for I did not make it clear what I was breaking it apart for. Many times, I've typed numerous drafts on my blog but I've always taken it down because my friends told me it was too 'harsh' or too 'straight to the point'. Now, I'm just gonna put it out there. Those are emotions from the past and I no longer feel this way but I need you to read and understand why I'm acting the way I am right now. Why I don't trust you or Carity. Why I don't even believe in friendships at this point anymore. I need you to read it and understand cause I'm no longer the girl you once knew. I've stopped wishing and dreaming eons ago.

22 February 2015

I lost many friendships in the course of my teenage years but I realised, I never gave myself time to mourn for them and grieve. Every single friendship I exit from, I move on to the next one quickly, as though I want to replace the new friendship with the one I've lost. It's stupid. Downright retarded but I just kept going on and on.

I never once stopped to think about Sheryl or the other friends who have hurt me in the past. It wasn't because I've 'moved on' so to speak. I was simply too afraid. I cannot go through all the hurt and emerge a new person again. I just can't.

What Sheryl did to me still hurts, but what my silence did to her was worst. I never once stood up and take responsibilities for my actions. Never once did I end a friendship on mutual terms. Reflecting on my actions, I've been horribly selfish, thinking of my well being only and prioritizing mine over Sheryl's. How can I say I'm a friend when I don't feel like I can act like one anymore?

I've talked it out with Michelle and we both agree it's ridiculous. The conflict between us was blown up for no reason at all. It was entirely my fault this time. I don't know why too. Every single time someone gets close to unraveling me, I panic and run away. I can think of no other thing but to push that person away and never let that person get close to me. It sucks but it's the truth. I'm scared.

Nelli may think that she let me down when I needed her the most but she wasn't the final nail to the coffin. Nelli, Carity and I were close friends from the start. We formed a Chinese-speaking clique amongst our English speaking peers. I was proud of that. Happy, even. Sometimes, I look back and I wonder, if I knew what would happen among all of us, would I still introduce Joel to Nelli and befriend both Carity and Nelli?

Nelli didn't hurt me the most. Yes, when she drifted away from me, it hurt but other than that, it didn't. I still had Carity. I always did try to convince myself that I was not alone, that I was not afraid to be alone. But suddenly, I became alone. Carity left. Her happiness was not with the school, it was with the job opportunities she saw in the outside world. Needless to say, Nelli's happiness was Joel. So, what am I left with? What was I to begin with? As I was wandering about the school, alone, I can't help the selfish thoughts that started to rise to my mind. Does my happiness not matter in the scheme of things? Do I not matter to anyone in this world? I gave both of them my all but I was still left alone to fend for myself. I tried tolerating them spending time with their boyfriends. I really did. Yet, why was I abandoned? Why was I neglected? Why was my happiness not important to the both of them? Why did I not matter?

At that point of time, Bryan told me this: "It's because you're over-dependant on Carity, that's why her loss is affecting you so."

When I heard those words, I wanted to slap Bryan. I really wanted to but the logic in it can't be refuted. I was dumb. I let someone in too deep and now I was paying the repercussions of it. I deserved every bit of hurt lashed out to me. I began thinking in those terms and soon enough, I stood up again. I breathed on my own. Nobody needs friends. Alone, I can do so much. Alone, I will survive.

And I did. I pulled through. I became stronger, but what's the damn point if I'm still letting people into my life again? I'm not close with Carity and Nelli I'm telling that to you now. I will NEVER be close to her again. It's impossible. I won't subject myself to the hurt I've experienced. Once bitten, twice shy. No longer am I allowing someone so close to my heart again.

I am close with Tingwei now, don't get me wrong but it's never as close as how I was with Carity back in the past. I just ain't doing this shit anymore. Everyone leaves in the end. Nobody stays. It's the mindset I've lived with after my year 2 in polytechnic. It's the only mindset that I can live with, do you understand? If that mindset is true that means that Carity leaving was normal. It means that there's nothing wrong with me. I don't want to change that mindset of mine cause it's easier that way. I won't have to keep struggling with myself. 

"What's wrong with me?" "What exactly is wrong with me that my friends all abandon me one way or another?" "Why am I always the one getting left behind?"

These thoughts haunt my life. They've always been there and after the Carity incident they escalated. I don't want to deal with them anymore. Accepting that friends do leave eventually is easier than telling myself that I do not deserve happiness okay? It's a happier ending for me.

Or so I thought.

The conflict between Michelle and I taught me something: I can't keep pushing people away. It doesn't work that way. It really doesn't. Yet, I keep doing it. Like a broken recorder, I perform the same hurtful actions over and over again. What does that truly make me as a person?

When Elsie broke down in front of me, I was sad for her. Then, I got jealous. Why can't I cry over friendships like her? Why can't I take the time to think about my losses and grieve over them? Why am I trying so hard to maintain happiness when it keeps slipping away anyway? Why do I even try?

See folks, my greatest fear is not being alone but being abandoned by people who I thought loved and cared for me. I chose darkness as my fear during the Pottermore quiz because it's the darkness in every person out there that I fear. 

I'm so tired of fighting myself all the time you know? I just want to be friends with everyone. Why is it so difficult? Why is it so tough? I feel so mentally exhausted dealing with all this in my life. I love my friends. I really do but if someone abandons me right now, what am I to say? You can't keep ditching your friends, ignoring them then start to pay attention to them again. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY OKAY? It's fucking hurtful so fuck you for doing this.

No, I'm not referring to anyone in particular. I'm screaming, screaming at myself. I still hate the stupid me in sec 1 who listened to Jovin badmouthing me in the toilet and did nothing about it. I'm pissed that I STOOD THERE AND LISTENED WITHOUT DOING A SINGLE DAMN THING. I should have slapped her. I should have fucking pulled her hair out. Why didn't I? Why did I cry? Tears don't solve a damn thing. It doesn't.

When Sheryl told me she cared about me, I won't deny it. Part of me really wanted our friendship back, I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted our friendship to be the saving grace. It's like a bubble of hope blossoming in my heart only to be pierced by the sharp reality I am in.

Sheryl, I love you as a human being but we can never be friends again. We are people who care deeply for each other but we will hurt each other the more we associate with each other. Perhaps it's Fate. Perhaps it's just the clash of our personalities but can you honestly say that you're willing to go through another round of hurt again? Our friendship has not been a smooth ride and it's clear as day that this ship is sailing to nowhere. We don't trust each other, Sheryl. Trust is what makes the foundation of a friendship. How can we be friends if we don't even trust each other. I don't know anymore but I think it's best we let go. I'm sorry but I love you and we won't be good friends to each other. I know for a fact okay? So I'm letting this go once and for all.

It doesn't work that way, not anymore. I just can't trust anyone that much again. It hurts. It fucking hurts. It hurts so much my tears don't even wanna come out of my eyes anymore. I'm so spent with emotions. Out of five months of my internship, I spent four months in sadness. Isn't it enough? Don't I deserve to be free?

Just for once I want to know that I matter, that I won't be as easily abandoned by my friends that I previously was. I try to be strong but I'm not. I'm more fragile than you think. My sister once told me that she thinks I give it my all when I make friends and that's a bad thing cause when a friend hurts me, it means that I feel it twice as intense.

It's true. Emotions really do get a good grip on me. I'm at their mercy. I just don't know what to feel anymore do you get it? I want friends but I don't want friends that abandon me easily at a day's notice. That's not what I want. I know my friends aren't like that but with each close friend I make, seems like one will just drop me aside like dead weight.

Winnie (pri 1) , Kayla and Cassandra (pri 3), Myra (pri 3), my church friends Megan and Eunice (pri 4- 6), Jovin (sec 1) etc.

Oh and let's not forget the seniors, the seniors who I thought was on my side. My whole fucking band senior crew who discussed openly about my horrible section leader skills on Twitter and didn't even think to private their conversation. Thank you. I really appreciated knowing that I'm a horrible leader that NONE of you rooted for me. I appreciate that.

Thank you to every single one of you.

You've broken me and it's only now that I've started to realise the extent of the damage you've caused.

What do I do with these insecurities now? You tell me cause I don't know anymore. I can't keep battling with myself. It really gets old fast. It really does

.......

And so you know how I feel. Congrats, Nelli, this is just the tip of an iceberg. I don't think you can handle more so this is just a sneak preview if you will. (If you want more, we'll talk privately.) Reading back this post just makes me sad so I'm not gonna continue this train of thoughts any longer. 

Changing to a happier topic, Sien complimented me recently muahahahahaha.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Amelia is very much pleased.

Well, to quote her exact words, they're, "Ahaha well you are one of the kind ones I met so far in these 20 years of my life eh, but don't get used to it."

I don't care, Sien, I shall get used to it MUAHAHAHAHA.
I was being so dramatic and all saying my tears were coming out from my eyes and proclaiming that it was a world sensation that that poor girl was getting so pissed and embarrassed by me.

Aiya, 思恩, you know I love youuuuuuuuuu. 

She's definitely gonna slap me now. *cowers* 

At least something made me happy today. :) Thank you Sien la, 我会好好珍惜的。

So this marks the end of my post haha. In the end, I didn't discuss much about forgiveness didn't I? Well, let me just end with a summary to pretend that I've been talking about this topic since the beginning till now.

"Don't be pressured to forgive someone just because the person is guilty or repentant of his/her actions. He/she may be ready to move on but that doesn't mean that you are. Some people take a lifetime to forgive. Others take seconds. Let no one tell you that you're too slow to forgive. Only forgive when you're ready to do so. If not, you'll be repressing a lot of pent up frustration and anger and that will only lead to more quarrels later on.

Prevention is cure. Don't go down the other road. Forgive only when you're ready to forgive."

#theartofforgivenesss

off to Japan~

Heading off to Japan from 11 June - 20 June. Please do not contact me in the meantime haha. ;D

中国好歌曲

Being someone who places heavy emphasis on the lyrics of songs, I am well delighted when I discovered a new Chinese program called '中国好歌曲' on Youtube. What I wasn't expecting, however, was the quality of songs that I've found through this television series.

It's amazing. Flabbergasting if you will. The songs are just beautiful.

1. 野子 by 苏运莹

I have no words to describe this. Just hear it and judge it for yourself. *remains in awe*

Here's what Hebe (田馥甄) said:

“ 我第一次在听到的时候... 我非常的激动，我听哭了。我在网路上听的时候，我很感动。我觉得《野子》这首歌是在讲‘勇敢’这个东西，触动了我的心。因为我觉得在人生的路上跟音乐的路上，一开始我也拥有这样子的勇气，可是会遇到很多的困难，有的时候会不小心，比方遇到商业，遇到人情世故，我会把那份勇气放下，忘了它，就往前走。但是《野子》这首歌让我又柃起了我的勇气，像疯子一样到这个舞台唱《野子》。”

To watch their duet performance, watch the video below:

And the next song:

2. 自己 by 许钧

The lyrics touched me. I heard it and the picture it painted in my mind was just beautiful. I love it. Excellent lyrics. Good job. 

When asked about the song, the composer (which is the guy in the video) said that the song was born out of loneliness when he stayed up all night and saw the first morning light reflected through his window pane. It felt symbolic of hope and that was how the first line of the song was written.

What I liked the most about this is perhaps the following words uttered by the judge in response to the composer's answer:

我觉得一个人孤独，实际上很多时候是很享受的，平常你可能没有时间去想的事或则有很多人的时候你永远都讨论不清楚的事，虽然一夜一夜地不睡很多问题你依然还无法澄清，但是依然会享受这个独处的过程。我觉得这个是很多人都需要的一个心理环节。这是很好的。

And I really agree with the words he said. 

:)

Alright. I'm not going to blog anymore. My eyes feel like closing for some reason haha. Nights.

D'Good Cafe review

Finally, after such a long and arduous process of uploading the photos on to my computer from my phone, I can begin to blog about the experience I had with Tingwei at D'Good Cafe. Now, before I begin, I would just like to remind everyone that I am not a cafe hopper and thus I am considered quite inexperienced in the cafe industry of Singapore. In other words, trust my ratings at your own risk.

Alright. Enough blabbing. Without further ado, I present D'Good Cafe.

(taken from Google)

The cafe is located at Holland Village and is minimalistic themed so if you enjoy white open spaces filled with greenery, this cafe is just your cup of tea!

The highly instagram-able swing (taken from Google)

And the above picture is of course the highlight of the cafe: The swing seats! Unfortunately, Tingwei and I didn't get a chance to sit on these perfect swings as they were already occupied by the time we reached there. So, just a tip for you: If you want the perfect seat, you gotta wake up early to get it.

Still, the three leveled cafe is pleasant enough with many more decorations to take pictures with!

First storey:

(taken from Google)

Here's where you order the coffee or cakes, whichever you prefer. 

(taken from Google)

And the seating area with the perfect swing seats.

(taken from Google)

Second storey:

(taken from Google)

Here's where Tingwei and I sat.

Third storey:

(taken from Google)

It was really scorching hot so that's why we didn't take the seats at the third storey even though the view and decor was breathtaking. Alright. Time for some pictures of our own instead of Google's.

Top row: Cappuccino, Latte
Bottom row: Earl Grey Tea cake, Chocolate mousse cake

A side note: This cafe is self service based.

The food was honestly not bad considering the bad experiences I had with cafes haha. The latte art is really interesting too. :) I would recommend you to add sugar to the drinks though. Don't be so stupid like Tingwei and me. We didn't add sugar to our drinks and yes, it was bitter as hell. Not worth the risk man.

Taken by Tingwei

Taken by Tingwei

Taken by Tingwei

(pardon the awkward cropping) 

Close ups just cause I can muahahaha.

Although we didn't manage to take pictures on the swing, we still managed to take a few pictures here and there! :)

Hi, Sadoko at the window here. (Cr: Tingwei)

Birthday girl smiling so happily ^^ (Cr: me)

It's a really 'tumblr' place. Go check the cafe out if you have the time haha. By the way, this blog post is DEDICATED to Tingwei so thank Tingwei for the existence of this post okay? :)

TADAH. Byebye.

poemish things I write.

1. "A glowstick
   breaks before it shines.
   
   
   A star
   collapses before it lights.
   
   
   So why don’t you see
   that you’re not broken or weak.
   
   
   You’re awaiting your chance 
   to shine and to live."