happiness

I'm so happy Michelle and Vincent is back. When I met Michelle the other day, I expected awkward silence between us. We hardly talked on Skype for the 3 months she was in China and I didn't talk much personal stuff to her either but when we met, it was like magic. Everything I had wanted to speak to her about just came bubbling up my throat and were spewed out of my mouth in incoherent sentences. I missed her a lot. Bishan Park holds no meaning if I'm not there with her relaxing under the sun.

"When I'm with you the silence is comfortable."

I think the sentence is so true. If I had to say, there is no other friend I have that understands the importance of silence to me as Michelle does. Michelles relishes in the silence too. She, as I do, prides personal space. I love how words aren't unnecessary at times when I'm with her. She understands what I'm struggling to say. When I told her I didn't feel like I'm friends with the people I'm supposedly close with, she understands. When I told her I was happy even though I've met little of my friends that week, she knows. It just feels so much easier with her. I feel like a burden's lifted off my chest.

Some friends tell me they miss me but I don't. At first, I didn't understand why but now I know, it's cause I hardly share anything with them. It's because I don't spend time with them, because I don't regard them as someone precious to me. I feel wretched for saying this but it's true. I really am distancing from some of the people I call 'friends' and I don't even care anymore. The more I fight, the more sad I become. I don't want to feel sad anymore. Fuck that shit.

Thinking back, I really am fortunate though. I have wonderful friends. Some who are way too good to me. Some are just bloody assholes. But that's okay, the good outweighs the bad and through this my eyes have been opened. :) 

The 3 months without Michelle and Vincent have taught me how much I actually relied on them in my everyday life. Vincent's the only friend I talk Christian stuff with. Michelle's the friend I share most of my conflicting emotions with. My self hatred, my fears, all the negative emotions I don't burden my other friends with are shared with her.

It's not because I don't wanna share with my other friends. Tingwei wouldn't know what to say. Si En would worry in her silent sort of way and I guess I just don't want her to worry? Nelli has enough on her plate. I feel my mental state is much healthier than hers kay? Nelli, btw, I read your blog. I hope whatever negative emotions you'll feeling will go away. I don't know how but I wish there is a spell out there that can whisk your sadness away and replace it with happiness. I don't know how to comfort you but if you're reading this then you know that I read your blog and I care. I don't have much time to hang out with you cause of internship but hey, I still will be there for you in a heartbeat if you need me. I may not enjoy you talking about Joel, I may not agree with some of your decisions but ultimately, we're still friends and friends stay together. 

I know I once said I don't feel comfortable around you, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't treat you as a friend okay? You know for a fact that love is hard to erase and though my love for you is strictly of a friendship level, it's still there. To be honest, the more time I spend with you the less awkward it gets. I don't know about you but I do like the time we spend together. I rather spend time with you than my polytechnic clique. You're the first friend I had in poly after all. I know you're going through some issues with your life. I can't help you with that but I'm always here to listen okay? 

I'm not letting this friendship go any time soon so don't go getting thoughts like you're being a burden on your friends or you're causing your friends to worry about you etc. I don't know if you feel that way but that's what I always feel when I'm with my friends which probably explains why I don't share my personal stuff with my friends. If you're really feeling this way then I just wanna say that you know what, you're not a burden. If you're a burden then friendship itself is a burden. If you're a burden then I'm a burden too. Nelli, I constantly worry about you and I think about you. I sound like a fool in love but that's not what I'm talking about okay? HAHA. I know you're in a fragile state of mind. That's why I don't stick around you often. I'm not the best company y'know? Two depressed people will make double sadness. :( 

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm so awkward with my feelings and words these days. A poem it is then...

For every precious breath
the step you take to live
my heart beats.

For every loneliness
the words that cast others away
my heart grieves.

For every rare smile
the light shining on your face
my heart rejoices.

For every bitter tear
the sadness that overwhelms
my heart aches.

For every every
the moments that define
my heart grows

as your heart beats
as your heart grieves
as your heart rejoices
as your heart aches

as your heart beats...

as you decide to live
my heart starts another beat.

Nelli, my third attempt at a poem and the first one I've written for another. Here you go, a poem that summarises my feelings. Can you catch the meaning behind it? I hope you understand. These are honest feelings here. :( I'll hug you if you want. I'm immune to that shit now. (except with guys)

So feel better soon okay? :))

"If wishes will come true, I pray that happiness will find you."

-the end

Happy me

Phone blogging because I can't seem to blog at night. I get really tired and I kinda just sit at my laptop being a zombie. Yups. Zombified Amelia. ;D yay me.

Now, to those who didn't know. Well, my visa got rejected by Malaysian immigration authorities. I won't lie. It upset me (still upsets me) but I've learned to live with it and really be happy over the things I have now.

For example, I CAN NOW ATTEND CARITY'S WEDDING. YAHOOOOOO. Really. I'm super duper happy for her. She came a long way finding happiness. I'm so happy for her. Really.

And also Nelli, I read your blogpost. I hope you'll feel happy soon too. Maybe not full blown happiness but a spark that's enough to send a smile on your face. I can't do anything but support you this time around so gambatte! Jiayous! You'll always have me you know and even if it does seem like I don't care, I do worry about you all the time. I'm sorry we haven't been meeting. I had internship and after that, I guess I got a bit lazy but that shouldn't be the case, so for that I'm sorry. You're not the friend that's always forgotten. I do think about you. I do worry. I'll walk past the store see a cute plush and immediately I'll think of you. Anything that I think will make ya happy y'know so don't get that mindset that none of us cares ok? We all do. I still do. ;))

So yeah, even though I'm a little sad I'm stuck in Singapore I'm still happier overall. I got to spend more time with Si En and we just hung out. It was fun. No. Fun wouldn't even be a word to describe it. It was relaxing I would say. I had so much tension in me that it felt good to let them out for just a while. Not sure about her but I definitely enjoy the time I have with her. She's one of a rare kind. ;)

And I got to spend more time with Elsie too. I don't know why I'm so comfortable around Elsie like it makes no sense haha. We've distanced. We've grown closer. It's all weird. With her, I talked about university admissions and writing. Writing. ♥ she's one of my friends besides Nelli that writes and it's so weird cause she totally understands what I'm saying when I say I lack character development and all that nonsense. Or when she's so genuinely happy for me that I've got 414 subscribers on Asianfanfics. She's like my proud mom when it comes to writing. I'll talk about how one of my fics got translated to Vietnamese and she's so excited for me. It makes me really touched. :') thank you, Elsie. Y'know you can write better than me right? So get your lazy ass out and write kay? I'm kinda hoping to enter NTU cause I want us to go to the same university you know? We'll be of different years but at least we're in the same school. ;)

I just realised how lucky I am. I've been a really terrible person this year. I've been really selfish and I've only thought of myself, especially with regards to the way I treat my family and the way I treat my friends. I'm so ashamed of myself. My father asked me that very fateful day: When have you turned so rude?

I can't answer him cause I don't know. I only know this: if I don't change myself, I'll fall deeper into the void and I'll lose everyone around me.

I'm gonna set personal goals from now on. I wanna make this work. I want to find my life back again. I want to integrate myself back into my family. I hate that my parents find me a stranger. I hate that I find myself a stranger. I hate everything about that. I wanna change. I wanna grow stronger.

By the way, internship is really fun. I've learned a lot about immunology and pipetting. I'm really happy. As compared to clinic, lab work here fills me with much joy. I still screw up you know and even though Cheng Ze's so much smarter than me I don't fall back to the failure mindset anymore. I didn't notice it but gosh I'm actually taking the initiative to do things and I'm excited, although I always complain I'm tired haha.

Through internship I got to hang out with Han Xuan and Cheng Ze, two coursemates that I was somehow paired with for internship. It's really fun. They are really nice guys. When I first found out that I couldn't go to Langkawi, Cheng Ze was being nice about it and let me rant and curse to my content. He sorta comforted me when I told him I quarrelled with my parents too even though he's horribly awkward with girls.

Either way, well, I'm growing. I'm learning to accept me and be satisfied with me. ;) yay for happy Amelia! ;) ♥

upset

There are days it hurts to keep it all in. There are days I just want to close my eyes and hopefully all the pain I feel will disappear. There are days I wake up and I don't want to live. Some days, I'll be happy. Others, not so. It's a struggle to be happy. Happiness is not easily attained.

I'm so envious of some of my friends. No. I'm not jealous over their grades, or their internship placements, or their future prospects. I'm really jealous of their familial relations. I never say but my family relationships are one huge gigantic mess. I'm a mess myself. I can't seem to function properly as a human being.

I feel so high-strung all the time. I'm constantly on the edge, constantly close to despair, constantly close to fear... When did the distance even grow between me and everyone? I've created a bubble for myself again. A stupid damn bubble.

You know, my friends may have trust issues but their family relationships ain't as bad, at least ain't as bad as mine. Sighs. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm having so much trust issues I don't even know I have and discovering that I have all these problems just drives me insane cause I don't know how to deal with them and I just wanna run away and never ever face them again.

I don't fear my technical skills nor practicals anymore. I thought it was improvement but now I realised it's cause the fear that was once in there just grew till it has consumed every bit of me. I don't have low self-esteem. I just have breakdowns every now and then and I don't even know why.

I'm getting tired of the whining I do or the so-called 'emo-ing' I always seem to type on this damn blog. I hate this part of myself. I hate it with such vigor. Sometimes, I'll admit, when I'm madly upset or I'm really really down, I'll think of just cutting myself away from the world. Both literally and figuratively.

Do I still think about cutting? Yeah. Sometimes. Not all the time but sometimes. When something bad really happens, the first thought that jumps into my mind will be: I deserve this, before other thoughts like: Why am I even living on this planet?

And I feel guilty for thinking all these thoughts cause I know I'm hurting others by hurting myself but I don't know how to stop them. It's like as each day passes, I feel much closer to the edge of breaking down. I hate that I'm so fragile and vulnerable. Why can't I be strong for once dammit?

Now, I'm upset. The talk that I just had with my family threw me completely off course. I don't know how to feel or how to even react. I don't usually share information about my family but I shall just say this here:

My parents said that they knew nothing about me. They felt that their daughter, which is me, has turned into a complete stranger.

And the tears that fall from my eyes are genuine cause this whole thing's so fucked up I don't know how to explain this further. I've not only distanced from my family, though I've distanced from them a long time ago, I'm distancing from my friends too. I'm slipping away and I hate it but if I don't admit it sooner, it'll just worsen and I'll hurt more people who care about me.

My family and my friends have been hurt enough. Just thinking of the patience they wield in dealing with me is astounding. I can't comprehend the love. I can't understand at all.

I'm scared. I guess that's the main point. I'm downright fucking scared. Many thoughts are going through my mind now. I guess I should have known that it would start from there. Is it all that surprising?

To Nelli, well, sorry I can't be here for you now. I'm fucked up myself. I do hope you get to spend some time with your Sisterhood though. At least they'll bring you laughter, no?

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who I am. I've lost everything; my identity, my faith, my capacity to love. I hate it how I second doubt myself when I share my feelings with someone. Oh no. I'm not talking about those pesky feelings like my crush and things like that. I'm talking about the pain I feel and the hurt I experience. I'm talking about me. The real 'me' I'm still struggling to discover.

I hung out with Si En yesterday at her house. I was telling myself that I should spend time with her as we don't get to see each other often. Told myself not to use my handphone all the time too. It's a sign of insecurity and it should go. I didn't use that much of my phone but I still used it anyway. Really bad of me huh?

I don't know man. I hate the fact that I'm struggling to keep up conversations with my friends. I hate the fact that I'm hiding things from my friends. I hate the fact that I'm pushing my friends away just 'cause I'm afraid of being hurt. That's just dumb. Damn fucking dumb. I hate it.

I miss the times I laughed. I miss the times I cried. It's been such a long time since I genuinely laughed that I actually feel upset at myself. Don't get me wrong. Time with Si En was well-spent. My mind was just elsewhere. Don't ask me why, though if you do I'll probably tell you that's cause I'm actually really insecure about losing her as a friend. There, I've said it. I'm insecure about losing her yet I already feel like I'm losing her. Either that or I'm losing myself. I don't know.

Seems so easy to fake a smile these days. So easy for me to laugh things off and defuse the tense atmosphere. I'm like that with everyone and worse when I'm with my family. Why can't I face myself? I hate how I bury myself under all these thick layers that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Constantly, everyday, new thoughts are being shoved at the back of my mind. I prevent myself from thinking them. I delude myself into a false illusion of happiness. In the end, who does it benefit? I don't even know. Not myself that's for sure.

I wanna wake up and realise this whole thing is just a dream. Or wake up to find my broken heart miraculously healed. Or just close my eyes and let everything just disappear from this universe. Maybe I'll disappear too... maybe.

God, if I can ask for something right now, it'll be peace and faith. Please. I'm tired of feeling uneasy, tired of preparing myself to feel hurt when I feel nothing but emptiness, tired of trying, tired of just being tired...

and it's 'that moment when you burst out crying alone in your room and you realise that no one truly knows how unhappy you are because you don't want anyone to know.'

Now all I feel is guilt and an endless wave of apologies for the hurt I've caused my friends for reading this post. I'll try to blog much happier posts or maybe I won't blog at all.

Gomen ne~

friends.

Today's blog post is gonna be short and simple. I don't have much to say, unless you wanna hear the same shit over and over again. Oh wait. I do have things to say. Internship. Oh yeah~ Internship...

I'm an idiot. That's practically a summary of my internship already. I'm super blur about what's going around me and I don't react fast enough to my surroundings. Although I'm a blur sotong, well, I've gotta tell you, in house internship is super fun.

It's really perfect pace for a slowpoke like me. Besides, I get to do a lot of immunoassays so that's really super super FUN. :) I've never looked forward to practical as much as this. I guess you can say I do love immunology after all haha. But you know, in an odd sort of way, the more I stepped into AS4 laboratory, the more I missed The Animal Facility. It's like, during normal days, I would HATE to be in that place but now, I actually miss it. I miss handling animals. I miss feeling lousy over my practical skills. I miss feeling like the best damn thing in the world when I manage one stupid injection.

I actually miss working with animals. Oh dang it. I'm just being weird I think. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me lol. When I'm working with animals, I complain like hell. When I'm off animals, I miss them. :( DAMMIT AMELIA MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY URGHHHH! Do you or do you not want to work with animals? :((

I've gotta admit though, I'll really miss school once I graduate. I will seriously miss all the people there; the classmates that I used to hate but have grown close to and classmates that were once my friends but are now nothing more than strangers to me\...

I will miss every single one of them. The lessons that they have taught me were hard but essential to learn. Through those experiences, I've emerged stronger and that's something I'm really thankful for. My horizons were broadened, my eyes were opened and for once, I've really forced myself to see the 'me' covered underneath all the layers of deceit.

I'm just as afraid to talk to people as any one else. I'm just as afraid to trust anyone. To date, the ones that I've really shared my deepest concerns with are probably Sien, Shimin, Tingwei and Vincent. As for the rest, it's not that I don't wish to tell you, I just can't tell you because:

a. you're experiencing something really horrible right now and I don't want to add on to that
b. you wouldn't bother listening to me
c. I can't bring myself to trust you

I'm sorry if the answer is c but you know, it's true. I really don't trust most of my friends. I'm admitting it now. Honesty is better than anything else right? :) I, at least, wish to be honest with myself now.

As for the friendships that are vanishing over time, well, I'm holding the quote above close to my heart.

"Maybe it's not about the happy ending, maybe it's about the story."

No matter what happens, I'll stay true to that. I won't let memories consume me and destroy what's beautiful. Our friendships were beautiful. Even if they don't last, the times we spent together were worth it. Through it, we learned to grow. Through it, we learned to trust. Through it, we hurt but through it, we've also moved on.

I love all my friends but even I can see that my friends will not stay with me together forever. Maybe the time's nearing, maybe it's a few more years down the road, either way, the time we say goodbye to one another will surely come. It's a definite chance. (That's why Tingwei was so sad wasn't she?) But I've made up my mind, before that day comes, I will strive to fill the book of our friendships with many more pages before we depart.

Books are all that's left to record our memories. I won't let them disappear, ever.

:')

ちっぽけでポツリ涙なんて　らしくなくて 

その手を　そっと　離した

忘れないでって　言えたらきっと 

どんなコトも　信じられたの? 

ほんの少し　強くなりたい 

もっと素直に　なれるように 

遠くまで　歩いてみた　何も持たずに歩いた 

君に会った　あの日のコトは　今でも宝物

Tiny tears came one by one and 

Gently, I let go of your hand.

Surely, if we could have said "don't forget," 

Would we have been able to believe that? 

I want to become just a little stronger 

So that I can become calmer. 

We tried walking so far, walking holding nothing.

Even now, that day, having met you, is treasure.

- Friends, Ai Otsuka

It's not about the happy ending. It's about the story; the story of you and me.

failures of relationship (+ve)

What if we all stop fighting for what that is precious to us? What if we let loose of the life we have and cut the strings that bind us together? What if we seal our hearts away and never open the door to our souls ever again? 

We close our eyes and we're back to the void; the darkness lurking in every corner of our heart. Anime teaches you that friendships last forever. Reality teaches you that friendships are temporal. Success of a relationship is sadly, not defined by effort. There is no guarantee that you'll be happy even if you pour your heart and soul into a relationship with someone. Sometimes, things just don't work out. No one knows why. I guess Fate's being mischievous again.

To those who are disheartened by your failure in relationships, well, don't be, I've learned along the way that a failure of a relationship (be it as lovers or friends) has nothing to do with a failure as a human being. Many a times when relationships don't work out, we tend to blame ourselves for the failure.

"It's my fault things turned out this way. If only I hadn't do this..."

"It's all my mistake. I'm the one who has a problem. Why can't I maintain a relationship? What's wrong with me?"

"I'll never find a friend like her again, and the reason why I'm losing her is cause I'm such a bitch."

Do those sentences sound familiar? If they do, well, it's time for self evaluation and reflection, and that applies to me as well. Ironic, isn't it? I criticise others a lot but when it comes to me, I'm a stinking coward. 

"Face your fears." 

I told Yilian and Nelli that a couple of times, yet, I'm still the same as ever. I'm still stuck in the past, still being fearful of everything... I'm still being me. Nothing's changed. I guess I'm not that courageous after all huh.

I talked to Tingwei a couple of days before. I can't remember which day it was but it was honestly, the most honest I've been with myself for a long long while. I don't know if she remembers what I've said though. ;x After all, I was babbling so much I don't think I truly knew what I said in the end. Hmm. Am I drunk after all? 

Anyway, as I was saying, that was one of the rare times I was completely honest with myself and trust me, it changed me. Facing the horrible image I have of myself is the worst thing I've ever done but I know it'll make me stronger, it'll make me independent and that's the goal I've been striving for ain't it?

Relationships crumble. Relationships fail. No relationship lasts forever. Instead of harping on the failure, perhaps it's time we raise our heads and look forward to the future, to the new aspects of life and to the beginnings of a new relationship.

Remember, it's nobody's fault a relationship didn't work out if you've tried your best. The love was there and now it's gone. Move on and soon, you'll find another love again. 'Cause that's the way life rolls.

"Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart, 'cause love comes slow and it goes so fast. Well, you see her when you fall asleep, but never to touch and never to keep. 'Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep."

- Let Her Go, Passenger

You dived too deep and now you're drowning but keep the faith in your heart and someday, you'll see the light shining from above and you'll surface from the murky waters.

幸福的权利永远属于自己。

And if there ever comes a day we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

Talk with Tingwei

Nights brings on sadness, either that or somehow my tear ducts are getting really sensitive to stimuli lol.

Ate dinner with Tingwei today and had lunch with Shimin yesterday. For someone like me who's giving up on socialising, I'll say I did pretty well. :D

Or so... Haha. Tomorrow's worse off though:

Sien > Elsie > dinner with relatives at commonwealth

Somehow I'm gonna make it happen... somehow or another hahaha.

I did talk to Tingwei on the bus ride home and though she's like : I can predict you'll write in your blogpost 'I talked to Tingwei about my feelings...', and though I'm really reluctant to prove her right, well, damn she's right.

It's weird that she's one of my really close friends I share things with. Weird considering the fact that we were so awkward four years back. Hmm. Life does work in mysterious ways.

I'm thankful for her in my life though. Maybe I'll give her the letter I wrote that's currently lying on my table lol. She deserves it hmm.

Talking to Tingwei also helped me realised something: it's impossible to treat every friend equally. It's impossible for you to feel the same level of comfort with people. Sometimes you talk to different people or withhold information from certain friends because you know their response is not what you desire. It bothered me so much that I was doing such injustice but now it's finally clearing. Thank you Tingwei for that.

And now that I'm on this topic, well, I just really want to thank the friends who stuck by me despite my horrid mood swings and insanity. Perhaps we'll distance one day but for now, just know that I'm thankful you're here with me in this moment.

Twas the time for me to be happy. Fuck staying sad. Fuck stupid emotions. PMS, I SHALL CONQUER YOU! 

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

#theend

Sorryyyy

Hey. Hi. Hello. Whatever.

This blog post mainly goes out to Sien cause I feel like a dick when I hung out with her today and also to Shimin cause I was supposed to hang out with her on 1 Sept but I didn't.

Firstly, well, sorry.

For Shimin, sorry I was being hella lazy. I figured you guessed at that time I was just being lazy right? If so, you're damn right. I'm just being a lazy ass.

For Sien, well, didn't think I was real good company today so for that I'm sorry. If you see that I'm always texting on the phone, well, don't get offended cause I'm doing it to everyone also. Like really. 

No matter who I'm with. I guess I just can't focus on one person at a time huh?

I don't know man. I'm weird. These days I am really fucking lazy to travel. Wait. Correct that. I'm lazy to meet people, even my own friends which is hella weird.

I just don't feel like talking to anyone, don't feel like listening to anyone talk, don't feel like doing anything at all. I don't even wanna wake up. Hanging around people seems to be more torturous than fun and the feeling sucks.

Let me get this straight first, all of my friends are awesome. Okay. Maybe not all, but you know who you are. It's not your fault if I keep texting or fidget when I'm with you kay? I'm just really bad company at the moment. A rather lousy friend yes.

I don't know man. I feel like I'm trying to think over too many things at once and I'm getting this fucked up feeling that I'm screwing things up by a lot and this ominous feeling just won't go away.

And I'm feeling guilty that I'm not spending free time with my friends but damn, I just don't really want company at the moment ya know?

Sighs. Fuck you la negative feelings, just go away can anot? Sibei annoying eh. Like why the fuck must I feel sad + empty all the time? Who are you to control me you stupid muthafucker?

GOTTA. STOP. LETTING. STUPID. FEELINGS. CONTROL. ME. SOUL.

Seriously, fuck off.

I need to gain my happiness back again. Gotta force myself to interact with people again especially my friends. Sighs. Why am I sounding so pathetic lol? The more friends I have the more I wanna coop myself up at home.

Even stray cats ignore me these days. (DOUBLE BLOW) My self esteem has perished. ERROR 404: The page you are looking for can not be loaded or has ceased to exist. Please refresh your browser or try again later.

:(

Times like this I want Vincent to be back from China man. At least if he's here I won't feel so fucking lost when I'm at church. It really bothers me okay? Even though I keep telling the people that it doesn't. Like just imagine la, a bunch of guys and a stupid mute girl who has nothing in common with them. Whaddya want me to say man? Urgh.

THESE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS ARE WAY ABOVE MY QUOTA LIMIT, I AM SO DONE WITH THIS WORLD AT THIS POINT.

Like fuck, I should just camp at Bishan Park and rot there all day. Sleep there also shiok.

Sighs. I'm hopeless am I?

Gomenasai. ; (

*bows*

P.S. don't talk to me about this blogpost hor. I ain't gonna reply shit if you ask me face to face. Text I still will care.

P.P.S. thanks for reading you guys. ♥

花儿

I miss Taiwan. :(