passenger - needle in the dark

cutting

It took me quite a while before I decided I would post this up. Similar to others like me, I don't actually like talking about my feelings at all. I'm not talking about my feelings pertaining to others. I'm talking about my own feelings, my mental state of mind so to speak.

I'm a big fan of ignoring a problem until it goes away but sometimes, things just get a bit hectic and I lose control. I think the reason why I have issues with it is because I'm just such a controlling person. I wish to control every single aspect of my mind. I know it's not possible but I still wish for it to happen. So, when relapses happen or when I give into my temptations, it really fucking pisses me off because I've lost control once again.

I read Nelli's blog on how she described her feelings regarding cutting. I read it and marvelled at how different our feelings are even when we were participating in the same act. Here's an excerpt from her blog:

"I don’t agree on how it hurt because my cuts don’t, no matter how deep or shallow I did it. Whenever I cut, my skin felt numb. There was no feeling. The only thing that gave me a bit of sanity from cutting, is the redness of blood oozing out of my skin. Watching it accumulate jots me out of the pain in the chest. Yes, I agree on that pain that crushes everything else and makes it impossible to breathe.

Sometimes, cutting could draw tears that were trapped for days. But if the numbness was excruciating enough, just the sight of my blood could calm me down, even though the tears were still locked. Aside the demons that screamed the wound wasn’t deep enough, a part of me is relieved. “I’m okay, I’m okay..”

There isn’t really a very good way to put these feelings into words because the words don’t exist. Even if the words do exist, people would still not understand it. It is very difficult living in the midst of reality on Earth when there is so much more places easier to live in but I have to make myself accept that by going through the toughest places, will make me the strongest among those who didn’t.

Seeing my fresh self-harm wounds is… therapeutic.

Not the scars that follows though. I wish those would go away."

And it sounds insane but while I do share some similar feelings with her, the reasons why I cut are largely different. (By the way, I've been clean for 8 days now. I'm counting my blessings while it lasts haha.) 

I remember when I picked up that habit again. School was stressing me out. I had to finish twenty odd pages of a poem for project discussion the next day. I tried reading it at midnight. It didn't make sense to me. Maybe it's 'cause it's written in Middle English, I don't know, but my frustration soon overwhelmed me and before I knew it, I ran out to 7-11 and got the thing I needed.

The whole cutting process was really mechanical anyway. 

1. Push the blade out of the penknife, 

2. Watch the light reflect off the blade, 

3. Press the blade against your skin, 

4. Watch the blood ooze out of your wound, 

5. Lay your penknife on your skin, 

6. Tug the skin apart to make it bleed more, 

7. Decide if one's enough or if you need more.

8. Repeat step 1 again.

It's such a numbing process and it acts as a way for me to reaffirm my humanity I guess. Like Nelli, I do think that self-harmers cut themselves because they find it easier to deal with physical pain than emotional pain. It's true for me. Crying is impossible when it comes to my own feelings so cutting translates as some form of freedom for me. It's a gateway for my emotions to leak through and for me to finally learn how to breathe again.

Of course, that's only one way of cutting (and the most often one) that I've done. Not all of my cuts are done in such a calculated and precise manner. The last one that I did freaked me out, hence the reason why I've been clean these few days.

It wasn't the fact that I cut that shocked me. It was the fact that frustration so easily overwhelmed me that I would cut myself in a moment of implosion and not feel any pain whatsoever. The lack of hesitation scared me, and when the wound continued bleeding and stained the inner side of my pockets, I freaked. My heart was pumping so fast I thought it was gonna just leap out of my chest.

Those cuttings are the scariest. They're unpredictable and they always cut the deepest. 

I scare me sometimes, so much so that there's always a pressing need in me to control me, and when I lose control, I cut to gain back that control. I guess in comparison to people who actually suffer from sadness etc, mine's more of a power play these days. Cutting means I get to control the pain and that's hella important to me.

I don't even know why I'm blogging this here. I guess I just wanted to highlight that there IS a difference in the way others perceive things. Depression isn't the same for me or for you. I can't emphasize that enough. That's why I don't assume I understand how Nelli feels too, cause I don't. I'm not her.

By the way, I'm oddly contented with my cutting scars. I guess some part of me feels so broken inside that it only makes sense for the scars to be vandalising every inch of my body. Maybe some other day when I'm fighting to live, I'll care about my scars, but for now, my scars suit me. They tell a story of a girl who's struggling to live. I much rather deal with self-harming than that weird episode of sadness (maybe depression I don't know) that I lived with last year. Self-harming means I'm still struggling to live. That period of time last year? Well, I would just call it breathing, or even dying while living.

Nelli mentioned another thing in her blog that I wanted to talk about too:

"I am having second thoughts about writing books on mental illnesses. I can’t do it without relapsing, can I? Even reading about them causes some pain, like revisiting old wounds that is impossible to close, only could be forgotten but never closed."

I had a big dream to write books about mental illnesses too, especially regarding the struggles between self-harming and Christianity. I had this plan in my head on what to write, how to write and I even thought of sharing my story (testimony) with others.

And then I got scared. I have never "come out" to my parents about my cutting habit. Unlike my other friends (Shimin and Sheryl) who got found out four years back, my parents actually foolishly place their trusts in me. They suspected I guess but I don't think they would want to admit it to themselves either. Besides, I've grown smarter too. I don't cut where they see anymore. I guess they don't look that hard either.

Anyway, I got off topic. I was just saying about how I had this overwhelming desire to talk to people about this but whenever I thought of everyone knowing how stupid/selfish/shameful I am deep inside, I chickened out. I cowered in fear. I don't like myself but I can't help it. I'm so afraid of everything these few years. I feel like I'm just heading towards a giant meltdown in the future. I'm scared but at the same time hopeful. It's a complicated feeling. I don't know how to explain it to you.

I feel like I really need to get my Christian life in order and that's what I need. I'm admitting this now: I hate quarrelling with my leader. It sucks. I don't want to have to quarrel with her. I secretly yearn for a good relationship with my leaders too. I want someone I can talk to when I feel like cutting. I want he/she to tell me that everything is okay. I want/need someone to pray with and finally admitting that just takes off so much weight off my chest.

I'm really thankful I'm feeling so well these days though. Last week was a beautiful week of school. Everything was great. Assignments were freaking me out but God bless me with angels to help me through all of that so thank you, thank you and thank you. It really meant so much to me. :')

You know, service today asked us: What is the ultimate goal you hope to achieve in life?

And as the pastor's voice ended, the congregation was silent. I don't know about others but in my mind, only a single thought existed: I wish I can be inspirational to someone who struggles through life like me.

I read one of the letters Yilian gave me on my 16th birthday before I left for church this afternoon, and in the letter she wrote that she was thankful to me for inspiring her to study Biology in a different way. She said I was inspirational and she was glad to have a friend like me.

Four years have passed since then and now I don't recognise the girl she speaks of in her letters anymore. I'm not the inspirational cheerful girl that can bring a smile to others' faces. I'm the broken girl that hides in the shadows and prays for God to forgive her every single day.

And I don't like what I see in the mirror.

By the way it's funny how I thought reading about cutting will trigger me to self-harm again but as I'm reading the novel, The Bell Jar, for tomorrow's lecture I felt nothing when the protagonist was getting depressed and cuts. I'm taking an excerpt of the author's biographical note by Lois Ames:

As Sylvia (the author) had written earlier in the last optimistic pages of The Bell Jar:

How did I know that someday -- at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere -- the bell jar, with

its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?

-- that bell jar out of which she had once straggled brilliantly, successfully,

apparently completely, but of which she could write with the clarity of one who has

endured: "to the person in The Bell Jar, black and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself

is a bad dream."

I loved it.

"To the person in The Bell Jar, the world itself is a bad dream."

It summarised all my emotions into one perfect sentence. (:

quick catch up with lifee

"I WANDERED lonely as a cloud

          That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

 A host, of golden daffodils;

          Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

        Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."

- I wandered lonely as a cloud, William Wordsworth

It's been a really really long time since I've blogged. I'll apologise for that but for some reasons unknown to the universe, my laptop cannot seem to connect to the school's wireless network so it's been close to IMPOSSIBLE to blog while I'm living in hall. However, I've been recently informed that with the help of a LAN cable, I can actually get internet!

I can't believe I've been suffering all these while for nothing. ._. Oh well, let me just quickly update you on my week so you know what's been going on. Phew. Alright, throwback session starts NOW!!

Mon 14/9

I woke up feeling really happy and optimistic about the week. It was odd for me to feel that way when I had two assignments due that week but somehow, I was really jovial. My mom bought me mac breakfast since I requested that of her on Sun night. The fact that she remembered and bought me that holy scrambled eggs and hotcakes was just so damn beautiful, you know? I teared in my heart. :') #gratefulformothers

Lecture that day was interesting as usual. I really love my elective this semester: Representation of Madness in Lit and New Media. Yeah, I have essays and readings to do which is probably inconvenient considering I have so many other readings due to my other modules but I really don't regret it you know? It's one of the modules I look forward to the most. :)) Excited! (except for the essay. I'm not excited about that.)

Anyway, I had time to kill after my lesson ended so I figured, why not take the time to meet Huini for dinner? And Huini agreed to my spontaneous meet up hahaha! I am so random sometimes I cannot tank. -.-

It was pretty amazing how our thoughts were still of the same wavelength haha. We laughed at the same jokes, talked about the same shit. As usual, I accompanied her to look at her makeup in Watsons. It really was a fun night. ^^ Oh yeah! And she treated me to a free egg tart. #forevergratefulforfreefood


Tues 15/9

Had my Intro to Critical Writing module and as usual, it was mindblowing. My tutor speaks like an expert I swear. Every word that comes outta his mouth is meant to confound and confuse. There is no clarification involved whatsoever.

What's worse was that night, we had an essay due so yeah, I was pretty much spending most of my time rushing through the essay. There's nothing to talk about here haha. Oh yeah! In case you're curious, I did my essay on Shakespeare's The Tempest. For some odd reason or another, I am in love with the play. I don't know if it's because of Shakespeare himself or if I'm interested in magical realism. Hmm.. Either way, I'm super hyped up about that play LOL. (but not when I'm doing the assignment. Obviously. Duh.)

So, it was a sleepless night... Bleh. Moving on...

Wed 16/9

Yet another sleepless night woohoooo~ Haha. This day was exciting though. I had my Survey of English Lit in the morning and Intro to Lit in the afternoon. Once again, Survey of English Lit just boggles my mind out. By the way, Survey of English Lit is like really really old English literature. Think before Shakespeare times and you'll get what I mean. IT ISN'T EVEN ENGLISH I SWEAR. Reading those poems frustrates me so much sometimes. :( YETT, I cannot deny that some of the poems I've read so far are pretty interesting. I've a particular inclination towards Beowulf. Maybe it's because I can see the parallels between Beowulf and Grendel. Maybe it's because I sympathise with Grendel myself. In any case, Beowulf is awesome. Yeah! 

PS, I got side tracked by my own thoughts. Anyway, after a day of really fulfilling lectures on Faerie Queene (Survey of Eng Lit) and Frankenstein (Intro to Lit), the time for my Epiphany interview came! Alright, just in case you guys get confused and all, there are currently 3 CCAs I'm part of:

1. Campus Crusade : My Christian CCA. It's the ultimate proof that I get along with Christians just fine. It's just church people *cough pineapple cough* that I have an issue with.

2. Welfare Service Club (Physically Challenged): A volunteering CCA. I basically volunteer at Cheshire Home on Saturdays. Thank God it's at AMK so I don't have to travel far haha. (I don't have to travel at all what am I talking about hahaha)

3. Epiphany (yups I got in)

So the interview I went for is for Epiphany! I interviewed for the editor and writer position and I got in woohoo~ Haha. I make it sound so glorious but actually, anyone can get in LOL. They accept everyone from all sorts of backgrounds so that's really cool. Anyway, Epiphany is a cultural club kinda CCA? They're basically involved in theatre plays, publishing etc. It seems really fun so I really can't wait to get started wee. :)

Alright. The night then progressed to another sleepless night since another assignment was due the next day. Urgh. Stupid assignments.

Thu 17/9

RISE AND SHINE, the morning is beautiful and the birds are singing my anthem of death. Just kidding. *coughs coughs* So it wasn't that much of a sleepless night la haha. Pearlyn, Avelin, Cassandra and I managed to chiong finish so we just slacked for the rest of the night. I can't explain how shiok that feeling is. It's just ichiban shiok you know? HAHA. Too shiok until all my Singlish come out already.

Oh yeah! I've got another friend called Avelin. ^^ It's now: Avelin, Cassandra, Pearlyn and I. Lemme try to hunt for some pictures hmm...

PEARLYN

THE ONE WITH THE SPECS IS CASSANDRA

3RD GIRL FROM THE LEFT IS AVELIN

Avelin has shorter hair now but just let your imagination take over yeah? She doesn't have many photos on Facebook. Yups. I stole all these photos from their Facebooks without their permissions. Shh. As long as they don't know, no harm done right? :)

By the way, the rest are the same age as me with the exception of Pearlyn. Pearlyn is one year younger than all of us LOL. 

Anyway, I had a really good time eating lunch with them cause they helped me discover the wonders of AYAM PANGGANG in Canteen 2!! If anyone wants to come to NTU, please, you need to try their Ayam Panggang and their Xiao Long Bao. It's AWESOME!

JUST LOOK AT THE AYAM PANGGANG HOLY SHIT. It looks delicious man. It's making me hungry holy crap!

-salivating-

Serious guys, you need to try it LOL. If you're in the area, just pop by. You wouldn't regret it. :)

So after this awesome delicious heavenly lunch, we had a tutorial and lecture. LECTURE WAS SO CRAZY THAT DAY. Our professor just droned on and on and my hand was positively aching just trying to keep up with what he's saying. I hate it that university or rather NTU professors just don't upload their slides before they give their lectures. Like if they give us the slides, it's easier for us to refer to the passages they have excerpted from the main texts on the slides than to spend ages looking for the excerpts in the main text itself. #NTUprofuploadslidesplease

Other than that, lecture was pretty fun! Maybe it's because I'm interested in the content for once. Huckleburry Finn is awesome man. I totally love the subtle but not so subtle racism implications haha. Alright. I shouldn't rant on about the book. Moving on to the next day...

Fri 18/9

Finally I have reached today! Well, I didn't do much. I forgot I had DG for Crusade so I was late this morning hmm. Besides that, there really aren't many things that happened today. I just went for tutorials, felt more stressed than before, unable to chill cause of my impending fate of death, panicking but not panicking at the same time...

Yeah my disjointed thoughts represent my state of coherency now. Yups. I'm pretty much 'drunk' now cause I desperately need to sleep cause I got CCA tomorrow and I need to wake up at 8am for it but I'm struggling to finish this blog entry so urgh... URGH. Body, HANG IN THERE. 

Okay! After the stressful tutorials, I headed to Nanyang Girls High School with Cheehan to catch Animez live in Singapore. ^^ For those of you who don't know, Animez is a Youtube pianist who covers awesome anime songs on Youtube. Check him out! :)

Yups. He's pretty amazing. 

It was just such a fun way to end this week you know? If last week was horrible nightmares of hell, this week was definitely sunshine rainbows of fantasies. I'm really thankful to God for this week of miracles. Thank you God. :)

Alright. So that's all the updates I have for today. I'm really tired out so spare me, yeah? I've gotta wake up 5 hours later.. :(

Goodnight! Sweet dreams.

P.S. Nelli, the song 'Go West' is actually singing about the WWII when the Berlin wall was erected to separate East Germany and West Germany. East Germany was worse off than West Germany then (something like North and South Korea now) so this band was singing how they longed to go to the West (West Germany) where it was said they had better prospects there. It's interesting how you relate it to yourself though. I guess this is the power of classic songs, huh?

Alright, enough chatter. Goodbye~

rant

"We're like two people existing on the same plane without interacting with each other."

Positivity is difficult. Negativity is easier these days. I'm still struggling to find the balance between the two. I feel like if I tip over the line too much, I'll sink into the abyss and never crawl back up. 

I read an article online that it's important for self-harm(ers) to know what your triggers are. I tried to find mine but I can't. I guess I just don't have one. Whatever. I'm hardly an observant person any way. 

Oh yeah! Shout out to Nelli for attempting to find out what upsets me at school. Girl, it isn't that I don't want to reply you. My reply is my honesty speaking. I don't know what you're talking about. School doesn't upset me. I upset me, but I can't remove myself from the equation so I'm stuck.

Vroom vroom, I'm back to square one again.

I just can't deal with myself sometimes. I think deep down, I'm willing to bet that I know at least two of my triggers. *coughs* I just don't want to care if I trigger my triggers, you know? Sometimes, I know I need company but during those times I just want to be alone. My wants are all wrong and they're all over the place. My friends are awesome for sticking with me. I really appreciate them and I know some of them are starting to notice that I'm giving them really late replies. I'm sorry if this happens to you. 

Sometimes, I just forget to keep up, you know? (Other times, I just can't be bothered to reply. I apologise for that as well.)

I know. I'm probably slipping away again. It's so frustrating. I'll buy it, use it, regret it and throw it. Then, give it a few minutes, the cycle will repeat and I'll be back to where I am before. It's pissing me off as much as it is to you.

Now, I think I can understand a little of what Nelli is feeling. Hmm...

The reason why I'm posting this here instead of my private blog I guess is just to explain my erratic and odd behaviour to my friends. Not many of my friends are affected by this but if you are, I'm sorry. I'm not being deliberately vague or distant. I'm just currently feeling like this and I think I don't really know how to fix it.

Sometimes, I entertain myself with the idea of bringing this issue up with my church group leader. I feel like I wanna tell a Christian authoritative figure about this. I feel like I need to talk to someone but the moment someone's actually asking me about it, I clamp up and deny it with vigor.

I hate myself for that.

Logically speaking, I know that there's nothing wrong with seeking help. In fact, pouring out your emotions usually helps the depressed* party. I just don't trust my CGL, I guess. Well, she doesn't exactly have a good track record, you know?

*(Pardon me. I'm too tired to type chronic sadness, okay? I'm not diagnosing myself as a depressed individual. It isn't that bad. I'm just too lazy to type.)

You know what, let me just rant here a little about this whole crappy situation in church. Vincent (BC) likes to blog about CG (connect/church group) people and his relationships with them so now I'm just gonna go complete zero censorship on this shit and give my honest opinions on this:

I don't have anything against other Christians. I don't have anything against most of the people in my CG. Yeah, I feel like I don't belong there cause I don't fit in with their personalities but that's about it. What I have a problem with is my freaking CGL. I really don't get it. Why the fuck are you clinging onto me in your damn stupid group when you know for a fact that I don't FIT in and you know that I fucking hate it in there?

WHY THE FUCK am I stuck in there? WHY THE FUCK did you pull me out of my seat in service today? What the fuck do you want? I left the fucking CG whatsapp group chat, you added me back. Then? You create an entire different group and named it E4 CORE GROUP. 

If you don't fucking want me then why the fuck are you still holding onto me? I don't fucking want you too. Why don't you just let me transfer back to E21? Like what is the reasoning behind this shit?

Now, I usually try not to be bothered with church politics and all that crap but fuck, you're doing the same shit to another girl who is fucking innocent and deserve none of the treatment you're giving her. That's something I completely cannot fucking accept, okay?

You, bloody church organisation or whoever it is, who the fuck are you separating church groups at your own will and tearing friendships apart in the process? You think everyone is built to socialise? You really think everyone is built to fucking open their mouth and talk like a fucking extrovert?

I don't get you guys. I don't see the potential benefits of this situation at all. I'm trying to tell myself not to make a huge fuss about it but no, just no. It's okay if you do this shit to me, you don't get to do this same shit to another girl too.

Like what the fuck? You transfer her from one CG to the next like she's some fucking unwanted parcel or something. And that's why I will NEVER agree with Vincent (BC) that the church fucking cares for people. Maybe some people do, I don't care. I don't see it. Their actions are not showing anything at all.

Don't get me started on the people I've shuffled through my follow up sessions. And don't get me started on my socialisation limits. I know BC likes to make fun of it sometimes.

"Oh Ama has reached her socialisation limit."

You see, this is the fucking thing, no offence BC, but you really don't understand me. It isn't that I've reached my socialisation limit or whatever bullcrap I've fed you over the years. The truth is this: I just don't want to talk to anyone at all. Everyday I fucking wake up and I just don't want to talk. It isn't that I'm scared to talk or anything like that. There are just some days I wake up and I just don't want to talk. Why is that so difficult to understand? Why? I just don't like to interact with people. That's why it's possible for me to live with another human in NTU and not speak to her at all.

Cause I take to silence like a baby takes to milk.

So don't go bat shit cray cray on my socialisation skills, okay? I talk to you because I want to talk to you and when I've hit my limit, it means I've hit it. I know you don't understand it and I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm just trying to make you understand.

No, it hasn't gotten better over the years. I still don't want to talk. I'm still fucking pissed that speech is a way of communication. I rather handwritten letters. I rather not have my voice fuck. 

I'm just trying hard to talk sometimes so just appreciate it for what it is? I just get more and more disconnected and I don't wanna fucking talk anymore. That's why I keep using my phone too. I apologise to Tingwei. It's not that you're boring or anything like that. I just don't want to talk sometimes and using my phone is a good distraction. Besides, you hardly speak sometimes so I just get tired of hearing my own voice, especially when I hate it to begin with.

Fuck, I can't believe how difficult it is to talk. It used to be impossible to get me to be silent. Now, I'm struggling to find a reason to speak. This is fucking ridiculous that's what it is.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding like I'm blaming any of my friends. Take it as the 'chronic sadness' talking. It tends to make me into a hella selfish person.

Sighs. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I don't want to cry. I want to scream. I want a way outta this. Just give me a sign from heaven or something. Or is there really no way outta this mess?

Fuck.

Labrinth - Jealous

I wouldn't lie. I fucking cried through this. I don't know why too. The way he sang it was really emotional I guess. I don't know. It touched me so that's that.

Watch it and cry with me MUAHAHAHAHA. (I doubt any of you guys will cry though.)

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me.

jason chen - how to fly

I don't wanna fall out

but we're all out of time.

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending.)

My heart is running on empty.

One more day and then we go

Yeah, the time goes on now.

Don't ask me how;

I don't know

We'll be home tomorrow,

But a thousand miles too far away

Say you won't forget and I'll be okay.

- Don't want an ending, Sam Tsui

"When you took it off, you forgot your shadow."