sleeepy

A really quick post because I'm dead tired on my feet and my eyes are really about to close any second now. So, updates about my life... *inhales* 

Firstly, I've been shortlisted for admission interviews in both SIT and NTU for Pharmaceutical Engineering and English Literature respectively. SIT's next tues, 31 March and I'm horribly unprepared cause I'm spending the time working. Yes, I am a fool. Tell me about it. NTU's interview is on the 9th of April; Michelle's birthday. Wow. Amazing much? Everything just falls into place hmm. 

Secondly, I met the feeder of the stray dogs and cats at Paya Lebar. She lives in Ang Mo Kio too. Everyday, she'll start cooking for the strays at 6pm and carry all the packets of food down to Paya Lebar just to feed the strays. Her holidays are spent all on the strays too. She confided in me that she was afraid the strays would starve without food as most shops would not open on public holidays. I listened in admiration and respect. Despite my love for strays, I can't imagine dedicating my whole life to them. She is truly an unnamed hero, as are the many feeders out there. So far, I've only met seven feeders through my interactions with stray animals. How many others are out there? I feel so deeply moved just thinking of the statistics. These animals may be strays but they truly have a family in the people who feed them.

It really shows how much you can learn just by tuning into nature huh? 

Thirdly, I'm moving on from veterinary science to something else. I never really wrote an entry about that but yeah, I'm not pursuing my course anymore. There are many reasons why but the foremost is the lack of passion I have in it. Maybe that's why English is so important to me now. If I enter NTU and it turns out to NOT be what I want, I'm essentially screwed. I'll be lost and resigned. Even till now, I still don't have the confidence that I'll ever find my passion in life. I guess it's fine by me. Even if I don't have a passion, at least I have a purpose right? Boo.

Lastly, I'm going to watch The Piano Guys concert with Michelle and Cheehan. I am SO excited! I really love The Piano Guys and I've been following them since many years back. I love the dynamic partnership the duo has. No one is a soloist in The Piano Guys. They do have solo performances but when they play together, they're PERFECT. I can't wait for April to come just so I can hear them. YAY!

^-^ 

Happy Amelia is happy but BED SAMA is distracting me from my happiness at the moment. Let me reunite with my lover okay? I can't sleep without laying in its arms. Bed, I love you forever. Goodbye.

P.S. I'm working 7 days straight and I already feel like I'm dying. Full shifts are the worst. Gosh. Kill me already. 

P.P.S. Feel free to ignore my complaints

broken people come together to be whole again

I'm super tired and I honestly don't feel like blogging but I'm waiting for my handphone to charge so I might as well blog muahaha. Life's been great lately. I've realised that I still have trouble focusing on tasks on hand. In fact, I just can't really concentrate in general. Even when I'm talking to friends sometimes, my mind wanders away as I'm speaking. It's bizarre. Just like that, I'll lose my train of thoughts. Weird huh? I guess I'm just hopeless.

I went bowling with Sien and Nena two days back. It was fun and was surprisingly better than I imagined. I'll admit. I do get discouraged easily It's just the way I am I guess. I'm not willing to try new things. I'm stuck in the safe bubble I've created for myself. It's easier there, I'll tell myself, it's easier without all the risks involved that comes with changes.

I like the quote above: We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us - that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect.

Indeed, isn't that how bonds and relationships are formed? We're all close because these connections are the ones that unite us and make us more whole than before.

Quoting my entry from 12 May 2012, these are the words I've written about my first impressions of Nelli and Carity. (P.S. I did write about other friends but since during this period I've distanced from everyone except Tingwei I have chosen not to include it in.)

Upon second consideration, maybe just Nelli's, since Carity doesn't read my blog anyway.

"Nelli:

A really sweet girl! ^^ People find that she's a pushover but she really isn't HAHA! :) She's emo, positive and crazy at the same time! She's smart. However, she has low self-esteem. I hope that I can help her on that, really, She has true friends but it seems that she doesn't really now the SIGNIFICANCE of them in her life. Friends are not there to go crazy with although that's one of the reasons why they're there. MOST IMPORTANTLY, THEY ARE THERE FOR YOU. They are there to be WITH you and FOR you! I think once Nelli gets that she'll have a happier life in general. One thing I admire about her is that she is at least honest about her feelings. It's not easy to do, trust me. In fact, that's one of my greatest flaws; not being honest about myself. I hope to work on that too. Jiayous. Nelli really is a good friend. Thank you for her, God. ^^"

Such flattery hahaha! While I do think some words remain true, the part about 'she being honest about her feelings' sadly isn't true. Nelli, you deceived me with your appearances!

Okay, I found another entry on me writing about Sien so I'm adding it here. Sien, please proceed to be embarrassed, thank you. (Cause I'm too thick-skinned to be)

*reads entry*

Holy crap. THAT'S MUSHY AS HELL. Fuck my life. No wonder I started it with 'To Sien, though you'll never see it."

GAWD. 

Sien if you ask me for it, I'll show you but lemme tell you it's some mushy shitz man.

*movingggg onnnn*

I found another entry 'bout Sien. GAWD. SI EN IS EVERYWHERE IN MY DIARY. I kinda agree with this analysis though so I'm putting it up here. 

"30 Dec 2012

.... Actually school's starting tomorrow. I'm so bored thinking about it. It's only one lesson but I'll bet it will be enough to kill me. :( This 2 weeks have served me excellently though. Through this two weeks, I got to know Si En so much better and I'm so happy because of that. ^-^ I used to find Si En to be a very mysterious person. Perhaps it is similar to how Changmin felt about Yunho initially. Changmi would think when he saw Yunho's actions why was Yunho behaving like this. He would say: Why is he being like this? And indeed, in the past, I would always see Si En's actions  and think to myself, "Why is she being like this?" 

Perhaps it's because I didn't interact with her much. Perhaps it's because of the cracks present in our friendship. Either way, Si En was always a puzzle to me in the past. Now? Now I feel like I finally start to understand her better! In the past, I used to think that Si En did not think much of our friendship and that it was nothing in her eyes. I struggled with that thought for 3 years. After all, it seemed to me always that Nena was more important to her than me. I always did think I deserve the cold treatment she gave me. After all, I'm always ditching her for Shi Min they all. I was such a bitch back then. -.- So, I would think of Si En as better off being without me than with me. I did not attempt to contact her and for a few months, we lost contact. 

Now that I think about it, I don't know what made me contact her back again. Perhaps it was DBSK for after fangirling about DBSK I could not help but reminisce about the times I screamed and squeaked together with Si En at her house as we watched DBSK Mirotic Asia Tour DVD. Perhaps it was the hollow feeling I felt when she was not by my side. Saying this might be sweet and cheesy but it felt like a piece of me was missing. Like what I mentioned in my blog, "Fighting with Si En is worse than fighting with any other friends." Why? Cause Si En doesn't get mad easily so if she's mad at you, you must have done something really wrong and bad, at least that's what I think. Either way, 'dig fight' is over and through it, I got to understand Si En a little more.

There are still times when I get angry at her and frustrated at her though. Some times I feel like strangling her and be done with it.

(Disclaimer: I no longer feel that way. Please don't murder me, Si En. *fades into darkness* moving on~)

Still, I know that for every action, there's a reason and for Xie Si En, you've gotta constantly read between the lines. Goodness gracious the guy who likes you has got his work cut out man!"

Oh my God. I can't believe I wrote this much gosh hahahaha. It's still true though. Every word written in my diary that is. I don't think I understand her very well but I at least trust her now to tell me if she's unhappy or upset. (TRUST YOU OKAY XIE SI EN.) 

I actually wrote a lot about Yi Lian and Shi Min (and Sheryl too) but I'll share it with you guys next time. For now, ciaos~

Flower by Junsu

I'm not really crazy about DBSK these days. in case you didn't notice. Hence, I didn't blog about the albums they released. Well, I wasn't going to break the trend but Junsu here just had to wow me with this album so I'm reviewing his latest solo album, Flower now.

Do I like his album this time around? Hmm.. Kinda? There are only a few songs I really like to be honest but I really love his voice haha. One song, in particular impressed me: Flower.

I don't know why but I liked the tune a lot haha. I stopped caring about the songs they have released these few months but Junsu's Flower broke that trend. Maybe I'll go and listen to Yunho and Changmin's albums as well. God knows how many albums I'm lagging behind haha. I am a real horrible fan lol.

*slaps self*

Alright, that's all. Off to listen to HoMin. Goodbye.

mihan

I would like to sing praises of myself but that will be far too EGOISTIC of me so I shall settle for subtle hints to my awesomeness instead. 

In case you don't know, Mihan stands for Michelle + Chee Han. It's the official ship name given to them by me. I don't think I created the name though. I don't really remember who did haha. Anyway, I was inspired to take pictures today (especially of Mihan) and hence, I asked my two not-so-little models, Chua Chee Han and Michelle to cooperate with me.

Location: 2nd storey around Block 308A area

I'm still an amateur when it comes to photography but I figured that as long as you slap the black and white effect (also known as Inkwell in Instagram) it makes every picture come to life. It creates the soul you see in photographs. 

It really helps. #ameliaphotographytips

Results:

The story's between him and her.

"I'll hold your hands till eternity and beyond..."

Super romantic huh? ;) *winks* Now let's see the original photos...

Where got the feel you tell me?! Hahaha. HUGE contrast right? Thank you thank you haha. (subtle hint is not so subtle after all) So, in conclusion, you need the black and white effect for EVERYTHING in order to romanticize it. Oh, and you'll need good cropping skills too.

That way from the same picture, you can get two pictures just based off cropping!

"You grasp your hand within mine and lifted me up with your love."

Following this logic, the pictures below were cropped and subjected to the Inkwell effect on Instagram.

Fly high into the sky

sibei not cool de chuacheehan

Love

"You placed your arm on my shoulder and I knew in that instant that everything would be alright."

ring advertorial

It really does work, does it? Hahaha. *proud* Anyway, feel free to use this skill to post better pictures of yourself with your friends on Instagram, Facebook or whatever social media you're using.

Ciaos~

Unknown pokemon says bye too~ 

"I loved you at your darkest." - Romans 5:8

I've been a Christian my entire life. Yet, I've never read finish the Bible from front to back, not even once. I'm probably the most unholy of Christians you can get. I sin. I do horrible things in general. Yet, it's always the never ending grace of God that saves me every single time.

Suddenly, I just realised I'm not alone in this y'know? Church today was enlightening. I remember asking myself if there would ever be a day when I would wake up in happiness and not fear. I remember thinking that that dream was impossible. Now, I'm living it.

I still feel afraid but I don't wake up being afraid. That small distinction there is important to me. It proves that I'm healing. I don't know what from but I am and I am never more thankful for that than now.

I really like the Bible verse in the picture above.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

As much as I want to lament the fact that I'm in pain, I can't deny that pain is the best teacher in life lessons. Indeed, something new was born from all the painful experiences I had. I learned to cherish happiness and more importantly, cherish the people around me. Friends come and go, people leave eventually but family, family always stays with you. (some of my friends are already like family to me so yeah)

Because I was lonely, I started devoting my time into writing fanfictions. Just look at the success I have now! It may not seem much but to me, it means the world. I have 473 subscribers on Asianfanfics. One of my stories, Forget Me, was translated into Vietnamese. I discovered that one of my Facebook friend actually reads my stories. Someone on tumblr recommended my story.

I don't care what you say but that's success to me okay?

In addition to all the writing nonsense, I've also started learning to sew little mini plushies for my friends. I don't know what you call those little shits but Daiso basically robbed my soul away. Through this, I've learned patience. It's an important virtue to have and I'm thankful I'm learning it in my life.

I guess I'm a real lucky girl you know? HAHAHA. I have close friends. I have a complete family. I have practically everything a girl would dream of having. I don't have great looks but at least I'm average and that's pretty good in my books man.

I used to think I was a horrid Christian for all the sins I have committed in my life. No one condemned me. Church didn't say a word. They weren't judgmental but I subconsciously blamed myself for all the things I have done in life. I gave into temptations easily. It was something that harped on my mind; something I couldn't let go until service today.

Was googling for pictures to put in my blogpost when this image showed up in my search list:

And I realised that it's true. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love isn't real. It isn't something you can see. You can't touch love, can't smell love, can't taste love, can't see love, can't hear love but when it's there, everything else just becomes negligible; non-existent. Love isn't real but when love is there, everything else turns surreal. It doesn't drive away the existence of sin but it covers the multitude of them such that there is nothing you can see but love, love and love only.

You know, I judged myself as a Christian for a very long time. Even now, I still can't let go of the guilt and the blame. Today just taught me this: I can learn to heal again cause no matter what God loves me, even through all the sins and wrongdoings I have committed.

I used to think the sentence, "I will always love you." was the most romantic one could get or at least that was until I saw the picture below:

I don't know why but that sentence there just touched my heart deeply. I loved you when you were the weakest. I loved you when you were horrible. I loved you when you were selfish. I loved you when you sinned. I loved you when you cursed.

I loved you at your darkest.

All the feels just came crawling up my spine.

Now that's my favourite Bible verse of the month.

Ciaos~

why I don't do characterisation

Cause when I do, my stories follow down the same path of dark thoughts:

[Kaoru’s POV]

Is it the smile on his face that gave him away, or is it the trembling hands that stayed hidden in his pockets?

Kaoru wonders to himself, staring blankly at his twin as Hikaru’s eyes blazes with ire. He never saw this day coming, or at least that’s what he tells himself. It is easier for him this way. He doesn't regret the choices that bring him to this day. It was out of necessity that they stuck together all this while. Now, it’s all different. Hikaru’s free and it’s time for Kaoru to let go. No one wants to say goodbye but Kaoru knows, the day Tamaki stepped into their world, Kaoru had stopped living. Now, Kaoru’s dead, and Hikaru’s shining bright as ever. 

No wonder Hikaru was named after the light. Kaoru smiles and for once, the tears don’t fall. He really shines in the crowd huh?

“You heard me right,” Kaoru murmurs, a faint smile tugging at the ends of his lips, “I’m going away. I’m leaving you behind.”

Hikaru screams behind him, waving his fists in the air as he makes his protests known. Kaoru sees it. 
His heart sinks but his face continues smiling. They may look identical but now, Kaoru realizes how vastly different they are. They really are separate beings huh? Chuckling, Kaoru shakes his head in amusement as he steps out of the house, deaf to Hikaru’s pleas.

He had planned it ages ago; the departure was not born out of impulse. Kaoru may be less courageous than his brother but he’s smarter and a much better planner. He did not know when the idea got into his head but once it did, it latched on and refused to leave him. And like the strategist he is, Kaoru started planning.

You see, when Kaoru said he was leaving his twin behind, he did not mean leaving his country Japan behind and starting a new life over again. No, when Kaoru said he was leaving, he meant that he was done with life and its stupid turns. As far as Kaoru was concerned, life could fuck off and screw with someone else instead. What was he left with anyway? Besides Hikaru and the host club, he had no one left. He was all alone. Time and time again, he had tried to strengthen the friendships he had forged among the Ouran High Host Club members but it didn't work and he stopped trying. They didn't care about him. All they saw was Hikaru, the charismatic twin and the social butterfly. Hikaru was the famous Hitachiin and he was nothing but Hikaru’s brother, Kaoru Hitachiin. He looks exactly the same as his twin but in their eyes, he will never ever compare to the greatness of Hikaru Hitachiin. Quite frankly, he was sick of this life. 

So when the opportunity came knocking, who was he to deny the perks that it brings? People see it as an end to all means but to Kaoru, it was a beginning to his life story. He could finally live without Hikaru’s shadow looming over him. He is free. Wiping off the tears that he didn't know he was shedding, Kaoru surveyed the pavement below him as he stood on the roof of a dilapidated building, his hands trembling by his sides. He would die from this fall. There were no doubts about that fact. It was at least twelve stories tall. Even if he had super reflex skills, he would not survive the plunge. The pressure alone would kill him.

That is what he wanted, wasn't it?

Gazing at the sky above him, Kaoru sends one last text on his phone before he runs to the edge of the building.

“Goodbye Hikaru Hitachiin,” he whispers as he closes his eyes.

And he jumps, breaking free from the light that had entrapped him.

~*~

[Hikaru’s POV]

When Hikaru’s phone vibrated with an incoming text, he was tempted to ignore it. In his mind, Kaoru’s words repeated like a broken tape recorder.

“I’m going away, “he had spoken so casually, “I’m leaving you behind.”

No matter how hard Hikaru tried, he couldn't get the image of Kaoru’s smile out of his head. He did not know how to describe it but the smile on Kaoru’s face in that instant felt horribly wrong. People smile because they are happy but when Kaoru smiled at that time, it felt like he was crying with his soul instead. How could a smile feel so awfully sad? 

Kaoru, why won't you tell me what’s wrong with you?

Unable to stand the silence in his room, Hikaru glanced at his phone, hoping to find some comfort and respite. He wanted a distraction from his troubles. He wanted an explanation for Kaoru’s actions. He wanted a little help here.

Then, Hikaru got it. 

Reading the text Kaoru sent him, Hikaru smiled, just as the phone calls came spamming of Kaoru’s suicide and death.

“Instant death upon impact,” it read on one article, “A tragedy for the Hitachiin family as suicide tears the family apart.” 

Hikaru hurls his phone against the wall. He laughs just as the tears fall, bitter laughter echoing off the walls of his room.

“I love you Hika,” the text reads on the screen of the phone, “so much so that I'm setting you free. Don't miss me too much. I'll forever be here with you in your heart. ”

That day, Hikaru Hitachiin dies.

The charismatic twin and social butterfly vanishes and in his place was Hikaru Hitachiin, brother of deceased Kaoru Hitachiin who looks exactly the same as his twin but will never ever compare to the greatness of Kaoru Hitachiin.

untitled

I don't know what to label this post as. I don't know what to label myself as. I read Nelli's blog ages ago and in her post, there's a few sentences she wrote that describes exactly how I'm feeling.

 "The bad thoughts… They never seem to be capable of leaving me alone to find happiness.

I’m not afraid of a relapse. I’m just afraid that I will never truly get out of it. I want to work without feelings bc feelings are one of the biggest challenges that was ever posed to me in life. I don’t want it. I’m strong without feelings.

I don’t want to be me. The real me is useless. I want to be the upgraded and improved version of me, where everything at least looked perfect on the outside.

 I don’t even feel like I’m 100% healed yet. I always get the random urges to cut myself, even when I’m not upset. It’s crazy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, always. Life is always so hard right here.

I don’t know how to get better until I am 100% okay. I don’t…."

Quoting the lyrics of an original song called Please don't cut by MikeIWJ:

"You pull out a razor and cut while you cry. It makes you feel human, and like you are still alive but don't you understand that the feeling is all a lie?"

A lie. I feel like I'm getting better. I wish I'm getting better, you know what I mean? I hate feeling so pathetic all the time. I can totally understand Nelli when she says she's afraid people will think she's using it for attention. That's why I don't bring up this issue much, until it all but consumed me last year, left me for nothing but dry bones in a desert.

I just made that up by the way. Pretty sure there's no meaning to the words, "dry bones in a desert". Ha. 

My mood now:

and I still can't figure it out.

#endsblogpost

taking things for granted

I've taken many things for granted. I didn't realise it till now. Okay, let me correct myself, I've taken the things that others have done for me for granted, rarely the people themselves. I've noticed that whenever a relationship is on the verge of falling apart, I will always think of the mistakes done by the person to me instead of the good things that the person has done for me. It's such a selfish attitude to have and is one that I really hope to change about myself.

It's high time I start appreciating the things that my friends have done for me. Even if some friendships have run their courses, that doesn't mean that the things that were done for me vanished along with the bonds. I still remember them. I still keep them close to my heart. It's time I show it.

Just today, as I was swinging on the swing outside One Raffles Place, the thoughts that once consumed me came into my mind again. At that point, it seemed easy to give in. When temptation strikes, I surrender easily. I'm not even talking about cutting at this point. I don't think I'll cut anytime in the near future 'cause cutting doesn't even give me any satisfaction anymore. I used to cut to feel numb. Now, I'm already numb on my own. I don't need to cut anymore. Anyway, like I was saying, I was struggling with my thoughts while swinging when an image of me appeared in my mind. 

It was an image of hope and success. 

*About to go into Christianity so if you don't wanna read it then skip it*

At this point, I questioned God, "Is there no way to remove these thoughts from me and let me live a life free from them? Why do I always have to be stuck in this constant mind battle when it's obvious that the devil's gonna win every time?"

Then, it struck me, I had already began healing, I just didn't know it. Everyday, before I start my day, I would pray to God for courage and strength to survive the day. I would pray for my fears to go away and for me to trust my security in Him. I would pray for my job to be smooth sailing and for me to not screw up and make anymore stupid mistakes. The list is endless and the prayers lasted the entire travelling journey, until now.

I never noticed it but my prayers had shortened with time. Now, it became a brief, "God, I pray that today will be a good day at work. Amen." instead of a long assed one that took me minutes to pray. I am becoming more confident in myself. I was so focused on my relapses I failed to see my progress. Fuck. Now I feel incredible hahaha.

*ends Christianity*

I really am blessed to have so many friends and family who are so encouraging y'know? Not every lucky girl out there has so many down-to-the-earth people who are willing to spend time with my pathetic ass.

I really am blessed. :)

wild boars in Singapore

I was naive to think that it wouldn't happen, stupid enough to assume that our friendship was stronger, but it wasn't and it fell apart, and you know what's the most stupid thing of it all? The quarrel was about fucking wild boars. 

Seriously?

Apparently our friendship or whatever we once had does not even amount to a fucking boar.

Yes these guys are the source of quarrel between me and a friend.

She did not support the culling of wild boars in Singapore, I did. Just like that, we quarrelled and a wedge was driven between us. I'm not insisting that my point of view is right. I don't even expect her to understand where I'm coming from. I just wanted to agree to disagree but apparently that was too much for her to comprehend.

I don't even know anymore. As I was walking away from her, I thought to myself, "Is it worth it? Is this whole issue worth my attention even? Surely if I had this conversation with Julian or Nelli, they would have taken the sides of the wild boars as well. Yet, I'm sure we wouldn't have quarrelled over these animals. So why, why is this little issue affecting the friendship between us?"

Then suddenly, it struck me: Our opposing views led to a full blown quarrel because she and I view problems differently. It wasn't even about animal welfare or animal rights anymore. To her, every animal has a life and deserve to live. Therefore, they should not be culled. For me, these animals pose danger to human beings and unless I can see a way to coexist with these animals, I would in fact support culling.

Animals were worth way much more to her than to me. Perhaps I don't love animals as much as she does. Compared to her, I don't love animals at all. That's the main reason why I'm choosing not to continue working in this industry. I don't love animals. They don't mean as much to me as others do. If there was an oncoming car on the road and I was given a chance to either save my friend or a stray animal, I would definitely choose my friend. It isn't that I don't care about the animal. It's a matter of prioritisation of life. I choose to save my friend over the stray animal's because I love my hypothetical friend over the stray animal.

Is that really hard to understand? Some people don't bat a single eyelid when rats and mice are tested in labs but when it comes to dogs and monkeys, violent protests are made. Why are you so biased? Why are you calling out on those researchers for animal cruelty when you are the one prioritising the lives of dogs and monkeys over the lives of rats and mice? Aren't rats and mice animals too? Don't they deserve the right to live as much as dogs and monkeys? You're being cruel to them by depriving them a right to live, yet you're condemning others for conducting medical research on them that will ultimately benefit you. Hypocritical much?

And to those vegans who judge meat lovers for supporting animal cruelty based on the sole fact that they eat meat, well, fuck you too. Again, you're depriving plants the right to live as compared to animals. Aren't plants lives too? They can feel pain too, you know? How do you think a mimosa responds to touch? By fucking scent? Fuck no.

I'm not saying vegetarianism or veganism is bad. If you truly believe in such a lifestyle, I won't judge you. It's your life, your choice. Frankly speaking, if you managed to live by your own principles all these while, you have already gain admiration from me cause I know that not everyone can give up meat in their lives based on the love for the animals. I respect you and think that you deserve recognition, but if you say you're a vegetarian or vegan because you wanna save lives, then no, I can't accept it. 

YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN OR VEGAN BECAUSE YOU WANNA SAVE ANIMAL LIVES.

Let's get that out there shall we? You're not saving lives in general. You're just saving the lives of the animals. If you admit to that then I won't have a problem at all. In fact, you can be a vegan or vegetarian for all I care, just don't force your beliefs on me. I am pretty chilled as compared to the rest of the meat lovers community. I won't condemn you for your beliefs. I respect you but as a fellow human being, I demand the same respect from you too.

(Elsie, I hope I'm not being too offensive but this is really my honest opinion. I apologise if this does offend you. Never was it in my intentions to do so.)

This whole issue has just taught me one thing: I don't love animals that much after all. The next time someone asks me if I love animals, I'll reply them this: I don't. Cause that's the truth. I love my friends and family way more than the lives of the stray cats I've interacted with. I'm sorry but I can't be a hypocrite any more.

Ironically, as I was quarrelling with her the other day, I was chatting on Facebook messenger with a fellow Cassie friend of mine at the same time. She was worried about a sick stray cat in her school and was asking me for help. I gave her whatever advice I could and told her to update me on the situation and if necessary, I would foot the vet bill myself to save the life of the cat.

Till now I can't make up my mind if I love animals or not but if there's one thing I can tell you, that will be this: I am not an animal hater and you will never find me at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Blaurgh.

P.S. I've since read up on the articles of the wild boars in Singapore and my view on the matter has changed. While I do not support culling as an avid measure, I do believe that alternative solutions need to be raised for the culling of wild boars to come to an end. Sterilising the boars and releasing them back would not help the situation as the medical procedures involve differs greatly from the ones of cats and dogs. Currently, there is no study done on the population of wild boars in Singapore and the actual numbers of these animals are unknown. It is said that to solve a problem, one must truly understand it. Maybe that's what we're missing out all these while. It isn't the lack of a solution. It's the lack of information. Without knowledge, how can we figure solutions out?

P.P.S. Sorry for this rant. I was pissed. My blog took the brunt of it.

Interesting links for the wild boars in Singapore:

1. On the culling of wild boars at Lower Pierce – a geographical perspective

2. Two hurt in wild boar attack in Bishan (The Straits Times, Saturday 23 June 2012)

3. Wild boars of mainland Singapore

P.P.P.S. Cat therapy with Avery helped me calm myself down a little bit.

so sleepy

Constantly feeling tired ever since I started working at Pandora even though the work there isn't that tiring at all. Compared to working in F and B industries, selling jewellery is really much better, I just don't know why I feel so sleepy gosh.

I've stopped writing. Elsie was telling me that I shouldn't choose between doing diys and writing stories cause she believes that I can do both at once. I don't really think so lol but I do think that I've been avoiding writing for some reason. I don't even know anymore. God. I'm beat.

Can I just talk about an issue that has been bothering me for a while? People think that I can't accept compliments. I don't think that's true. I just don't really believe what they're saying about me. I don't think I have very low self-esteem okay? I won't deny that sometimes I do get really down and discouraged by myself but other than that, I'm fine. I feel fine. That's saying a lot.

Or maybe I'm just stuck between constant fatigue and forced cheer for work. *sighs* Whatever man. Whatever. 

byebye.

List of sad songs... (and two encouraging ones)

1. Farewell to you my friend by Raymond Lauchengco

"We used to be frightened and scared to try

Of things we don't really understand why

We laugh for a moment and start to cry

We were crazy

Now that the end is already here

We reminisce 'bout old yells and cheers

Even if our last hurrahs were never clear."

2. Can't cry hard enough by Bellefire

"Gonna look back in vain

And see you standing there

When all that remains

Is an empty chair

And now that you've gone

I can't cry hard enough

No, I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now."

3. Only reminds me of you by M.Y.M.P.

"I see you, beside me

It's only a dream

A vision of what used to be

The laughter, the sorrow

Pictures in time

Fading to memories

How could I ever let you go

Is it too late to let you know

I tried to run from your side

But each place I hide

It only reminds me of you

When I turn out all the lights

Even the night

It only reminds me of you."

4. When the last teardrops fall by BLAQUE

"It's so hard to lose the one you love

To finally have to say goodbye

You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on

And all that you can do is cry

Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on

When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone

When the last tear drop falls

I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories

And all of what used to be

When the last tear drop falls

I will stand tall

And know that you're here with me in my heart

When the last tear drop falls."

5. In my veins by Andrew Belle

"Nothing goes as planned

Everything will break

People say goodbye

In their own special way

All that you rely on

And all that you can fake

Will leave you in the morning

But find you in the day."

6. Cut by Plumb

"A fragile frame aged

With misery

And when our eyes meet

I know you see

I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut."

This song hits so close to home. Definitely not going to listen to it when I'm sad. :P

7. Nice, naive and beautiful by Plumb

"She's only known heartache and pain

But she's never known pain like this

She stands alone defending her name

When all that she's done is be who she is

Well is it so wrong to be who we are

When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful

Why does she get taken advantage

Why does she live in a world so cold

She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful."

OMG. Plumb is becoming my favourite band at this rate. The lyrics written really just hits way too close to home man. I like their music too. It's like perfect lyrics with perfect melodies with them manz. Oh my God.

Nelli, all the songs below are for you except for the last one.

8. Hang on by Plumb

"I'm so stubborn, it's how I got here

So alone, feels like forever

Wanna swim away and breath the open air

But I feel so afraid, then I hear you say

Hang on when the water is rising

Hang on when the waves are crashing

Hang on, just don't ever let go."

9. Drifting by Plumb

"Can we make a searchlight

From all the bridges that we burn?

Do you see a rescue 

Or a deeper kind of hurt?

Who could love you?

Who could hold you?

I'd swim across the sea.

You don't have to be alone

Where the shallow gets so deep.

You might be drifting 

And can't find the shore,

So Hopeless 

And all alone.

The waves are crashing 

All around you.

Just when you've lost the will to live

You see the sun."

This last song is for me. It's practically my life story now gosh. *gets emotional and tears up* Gonna download this song into my phone man. (Oh wait my phone audio spoil wtf)

10. Need you now by Plumb

"Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take."

Okay. I'm gonna stop this before I really start crying LOL. Goodbye everyone~