blue

"The winter had passed / And the spring has come.

We have withered / And our hearts are bruised from longing."

- Blue, Big Bang

I visited Carity's house for the first time today and as I was walking down the streets of Yishun with her and Stacy, a sense of sadness just crept over my heart. Actually, I don't even know if I can call it sadness. It's a longing I feel for something I can never have. It's a scream from the soul. It's something that I am clearly struggling to put into words.

I don't know why I thought of her again. Maybe it's because of my recent thoughts on death. Maybe it's just me being sentimental. I don't know but as I was navigating through the neighbourhood in Yishun, some part of me wished so badly to just take a few random turns and return to my grandmother's place. I know it's impossible, of course, and I know that there's nothing there, but some irrational part of me just doesn't see that and that part of me is still aching for a loss she can't comprehend.

It's been years since she passed on. I hardly think of her these days, but whenever I step into Yishun, it just reminds me so much of her. I was a kid back then. A stupid little kid. I didn't appreciate what I had. I didn't even visit her when she said she missed me and now, look, there's nothing left. I can't even find her if I want to.

I'm sorry. It doesn't really bother me that much but when it does, it just won't let go. I try to remember the last time I saw her before her stay in the hospital but I cannot seem to remember. And I just don't get it. Yishun is so fucking near Ang Mo Kio. What excuse do I have? How can I treat someone who brought me up this way?

She said she missed me.

And I did nothing.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?

I wish I can turn back time but I know that that's impossible and I know it's dangerous to think along those lines. It's not good to allow those thoughts to stay too long in your head so I'm gonna move on from this topic. I just hope that as she is in Heaven now looking down on me, it's pride I'll see in her eyes and not disappointment at what I've become.

she had a beautiful heartbeat and the

music guided me through many sorrows.

in my ears, the lullaby sings louder,

lingering despite the decrescendos,

expressing the heartbeat I always know.

I love you grandma.

STAY STRONG

and be happy.

be brave, be beautiful.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I don't usually post religious stuff on this blog. I have another blog for that but the message I heard today just seems so applicable to everyone I thought I'll share it here. I was sitting on bus 74, calmly listening to my sister's ipod music when I spotted this Christian sermon she apparently had stored on her ipod and I decided, well, why not? Let's just give it a shot.

So, I was listening to this pastor preach and he mentioned something which I found was quite interesting. I mean it's typically cliche but it's not really enforced, you know? He told his congregation this,

"Age doesn't matter. Why do we always like to divide our lives into stages according to our ages? Toddlers? Teenagers? Adolescents? Midlife crises? Does it really matter? Why do we feel the need to know how old we are? We are all going to die anyway. How does knowing our age delay the inevitability of death? Besides, time is already measuring it for us. Can't you hear the clock going tick-tock tick-tock? Does this mean that age is just a number that shouldn't matter? Then, you argue, but if age is just a number, then isn't life just a number? If not quantified, then how should we measure life?"

Then, he said something that I thought made sense to me.

"In the Bible, it's stated that life is measured in various seasons. There is a season for everything in your life. There's a season of brokenness and a season of loneliness. There is a season of pain, of grief, of happiness, of joy... The point is, it doesn't matter what age you are, it matters what season you are in. God wouldn't put you in a season of your life without a reason. This season you're in is going to teach you something and before you can even learn what it is He's going to teach you, you've gotta identify the season you're in right now."

I thought it made sense that life was measured by our experiences rather than our ages. Of course, our ages will influence our types of experiences, I don't deny that, but you know, it doesn't have such a huge influence to the extent that it makes it uniform for everyone else on the planet with that same number plastered on their foreheads.

Ages influence our experiences but it does not make it the same for everyone else and I think that's pretty damn amazing: We all can experience the same thing but we can take away different lessons from these shared experience we've been through. And I think it makes sense that life is quantified by these experiences because it is precisely these experiences that mature us, and not our ages (those are just stupid numbers).

So, I guess, my question is this: What's the season of your life you think you're in right now? And what do you think your God (whatever you believe in) is trying to teach you?

I don't know about you but I feel like I'm in a season of healing. I'm ready to move on from past hurts and I'm ready to conquer the world before me. Of course, I may go through setbacks at times, but I think I'm finally ready to let go of everything and just move on, you know? I'm not going to let anything hold me back anymore.

It's freedom I seek and I think I'm starting to believe from the bottom of my heart that I'll be free from all this negativity that I've surrounded myself with for the past few years of my life. It seems crazy to think that I started cutting at 14 years old. That means it's been 6 years since I let it take control of my life. How much time have I wasted, relinquishing control to a power that should not have been able to overwhelm me in the first place? Why did I let something that was a self-destructive interest turn into a horrifying addiction? I will never know the answer to that but I know my answer to it now.

"Enough!" I'm screaming at it, using the sapier in my hand to hack away any roots of bad thoughts that has taken seed in my mind, "Enough."

I've wasted enough time. I'm not going to continue wasting my life onto this crap.

"But if the bad thoughts are a part of me, they must be a really ugly part of me," she asks, her voice trembling in the silence, "So does that mean if I get rid of them, my mind will be beautiful again?" 

"No," her friend smiles, "because you already are beautiful. Getting rid of those bad thoughts is just going to help you to see that."

I don't know about you but I'm ready to move on. I'm prepared to be beautiful again.

BE BRAVE,

take the first step

and see how beautiful

you already are.

J

maggots

She laughed. She lived, but now she's dead.
Her eyes stare at me, two hollow sockets with
maggots oozing out of the vast blackness.
Her breath is on my skin.
I shiver but I can not tear my eyes off her.
Transfixed, I watch on as her
maggots start crawling into me too.

-acsx

happiness

Happiness. Everyone's definition of that word is so different. It can be a person, an object or even a moment in time. Similarly, everyone has different expectations of happiness. It can be a smile, a laugh, or even achieving a goal or dream that seems impossible at first. The fact that happiness is so subjective to one's personal experiences is perhaps the root cause of unhappiness in our world today.

I think that, sometimes, we as humans raise the bar for happiness too high. We believe that we can only be happy once we've accomplished something remarkable. So, we embrace our obstacles. We welcome them with open arms! We throw ourselves into them just for that slight glimmer of hope that we can say we're truly happy after we have endured through those rough seasons in our lives.

I know. You think I'm making this all up. "No one thinks like that!" I can even imagine what you'll say in protest to this. Well, I'm being honest here. The reason why we're all so unhappy is because we cannot appreciate the "good" in our lives, because the "good" is not enough for us to attain happiness.

We've all heard this before:

"Why are you being so spoilt? You're always complaining about every single thing in Singapore but don't you realise that in Africa, those Africans don't even have a quarter of what you have now? Can't you see that you're already very privileged to be born in Singapore? You have a roof over your head, clothes to wear and food to eat. What more do you need? You ungrateful kid!"

Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Perhaps you've heard it from your parents' mouths before. I don't know, but I listed out that example because I wanted to show you how high our expectations for happiness has become.

It's ridiculous, ain't it? We've all turned into self-entitled people. We believe in our rights for happiness. We believe in our rights for freedom. We believe in our rights for just about anything, but are we truly entitled to it?

I think humans are confusing. We don't really know what we want. Maybe that's why we can never reach the state of being happy. Because we don't recognise happiness when we see it. According to Oxford, the word 'happy' as seven different meanings: 

Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment
(happy about) Having a sense of trust and confidence in (a person, arrangement, or situation)
(happy with) Satisfied with the quality or standard of
[WITH INFINITIVE] Willing to do something
[ATTRIBUTIVE] Used in greetings
[ATTRIBUTIVE] Fortunate and convenient
[IN COMBINATION] informal Inclined to use a specified thing excessively or at random

Isn't it amazing how one single word has three meanings based on its composition of letters, and four more based on the way it's being used? English fascinates me, but that's not my main point. What I'm trying to say here is: Happiness is already complicated on its own. We do not need to further complicate it.

By trying to capture the essence of happiness, I argue that we're diminishing the value of happiness. Happiness isn't an object you can easily obtain. Neither can it be bought. Happiness is a feeling. You can try to do deeds to cultivate the sense of it but it's never a guarantee that it will be felt and that's what makes it so remarkably amazing.

Through that definition, I'll say that happiness is more of a miracle than anything else. After all, you can never predict when it'll arrive or when it'll disappear. Even till now, we still don't know the cause of its existence. It's just there, and sometimes, for no reason at all, it's not.

Today was one of my lucky days. Although everything went horribly wrong in the beginning, (not having enough birthday decor stuff for Nelli & not having enough time for my essay), I'm still glad that everything turned out okay. No. Wait. I'm more than glad. I'm elated. I'm happy. I'm contented.

And through this all, I've learned something: It's really difficult to be happy if we keep focusing on our negative thoughts, and this applies if we keep focusing on our positive thoughts as well. What we need isn't a world of positivity but a delicate balance between the negative and the positive, as we lower our expectations when it comes to attaining happiness.

We can all find something to be happy about everyday and I know that if you try happiness will come to you, sooner or later.

Thank you! (:

SMILE ALWAYS

don't let the demons win

I'm sorry

I'm doing a priss poor job of managing emotions and all that crap to be honest. I don't juggle well between friendships either. I thank God that today was a rest day for me. It's a good time to just sit back and evaluate what's going on in my life, and the decisions I've been making these few weeks.

I need to, for one, stop letting others' problems affect me. I don't mean it in the bad way. I should be listening to them and all, but I also need to give myself that emotional distance y'know? It's not really my problem either. I've got to let go.

I also need to learn to say no. I mean it. I need to say no when I feel like I need my alone time or if I can't see my friends right now. I shouldn't recklessly agree to meet with people just 'cause I feel guilty or whatever, you know? Then it feels torturous because it'll be like I'm meeting with the person 'cause I'm forced to and not because I love the person and I miss her.

The most important one, of course, is to stop breaking my promises to people. When I say I agree to meet with someone, I should go no matter what. I kinda made a mistake yesterday. I'm a little ashamed of it so I'm not posting it here to justify myself or anything but to show you how bad of a person I am when it comes to promises really.

Si En invited me to her house yesterday. She said she had earl grey cake or something. I told her I would go over after church, but I delayed it further than that. I just kept delaying while she just kept waiting at her house. She got mad at me of course, and I think she still is. (Something that's obviously justifiable) And I wished I had a reason why I didn't go and meet her but I don't. Not a good enough one any way. I guess the situation was worsened because she is actually sick and she had to stay up to wait for me...  A person which never came of course.

It just got me thinking you know, as to how bad I'm managing everything at the moment. I want to say that I'm having an identity crisis but I really ain't. It's just a sudden realisation that I am actually screwing things up and I don't know why.

I had a long talk with my eldest sister today and she told me that often our relationships with others are mirrors of our relationships with our parents. We had this whole intense discussion about the problems we could see in our family and the more we talk, the more I realised how much I actually resent my parents for certain things they have done or spoken.

And it scared me because I realised that I was doing the exact same shit to my friends. They say:

The hurt, hurt others.

I didn't realise how true it was until I saw whatever I've been doing to my friends these days. I mean, Si En is just an example. I get periods when I just get so cold and so distant from everyone, and I know my friends can feel it too, especially Ting Wei I suppose since I talk to her everyday, and I really wish I have an explanation for it beyond the fact that I just cannot do it, but I don't. I just can't and no one seems to understand that feeling except for me.

I just need a time out from everyone once in a while and I hurt others when I'm doing it because I keep agreeing to do shit when I clearly am not in the mood for. I feel especially guilty towards Si En and Nelli to be honest. I promised Nelli that I would help her with her referencing last week but I didn't show up in the end. I was awake in my bed but for some reason, I just couldn't get out of it. And, well, Si En, I kinda screwed that up. (My sis wasn't too impressed by me, yo.)

I guess school is really just a huge stress for me now. It isn't the grades or anything like that you know? It's just this stupid stinking feeling that I am supposed to be knowing what I am doing when I really don't and I feel like everyone around me is falling apart so I have to be the strong figure in their lives but when I'm left all alone in the dark, my tears are met with nothing but silence.

And my stray cat Avery of course.

I'm beyond grateful to have her. She is the love of my life. I won't lie. When I went to see her last week, she didn't care about me at all. And all the other stray cats didn't give a shit either. It hurt so badly to know that these animals won't even give me a glance. It always makes me feel like I've done something wrong, that I'm not worthy in their eyes as a companion or something. I start to wallow in my loneliness I guess. I mean, my stray cats don't even want me anymore. Where can I go on from here?

After ditching Si En yesterday, I felt so guilty I didn't want to stay at home and stare at my laptop any longer so I headed out anyway to Bishan Park. Bishan Park is like my area to destress you know? I especially love it when it's late at night and there's no one there to care about you and you're just sitting there with the grass beneath your bum, chilling to the air as you watch the sky for stars.

It's how I breathe, how I learn to let go of all the tension within me. Sometimes I head over to the swing and I'll just swing in the middle of the night, humming lullabies I've memorised from heart as my eyes never leave the bright circular moon in the sky. When I'm crazy, I talk to the moon too. I always ask the moon,

"Aren't you lonely? You have no friends with you except for the stars, and the stars don't always come out every night. Nobody thinks you're beautiful. Nobody even thinks of you as an individual. You're forever just a reflection of the Sun in their eyes, no matter how beautiful you actually are. Don't you actually get really lonely sometimes?"

I know, I'm insane. I'm just a girl trapped in this city, forced to fit into a mould that was never meant for me. I look at Nelli sometimes and I'm filled with envy. The wild side in her is so prominent and so beautiful. There are so many times I wish I can be like her. She's so attuned to nature it really makes me jealous. I wish I was like her too, in that regard.

But I guess I'm not and I never will be.

Okay, sorry for this emo post. I just want to let Si En (if she's reading this blog which she shouldn't because she's sick) that I'm really sorry. You can give me as many uppercuts as you want. I'll stay there and take it like a man.

And with that I'm gonna end this blog entry here. This week's is gonna be about revision week for exams because exams are coming in 3 weeks' time. Am I prepared? Nope. Am I gonna pretend that I am? Yups. Because, why not? I am ALWAYS pretending anyway. Fucking life.

"I wish you wouldn't shut out everything I say all the damn time. For once, I actually wish you will fucking listen to me."

MUSIC I am listening to as I'm typing this blog entry:

P.S. Avery was a huge comfort and I think cats are really amazing because she sensed that I was upset and actually allowed me to cuddle her for as long as I needed. She's amazing. :D

Nena's amazing photoshop skills

This post is just to show off Nena's awesome photoshop skills. Let's take a minute to just really appreciate her splendid artwork! (Pictures below)

*gazes admirably*

By the way, if you want to know why I'm called a mammoth, well, that's courtesy to Si En 4 years ago.

"You're big, brown and hairy! You're a mammoth!"

Her exact words. I no kid you.

._________________.

twinkle

"When I'm feeling weak

And my pain walks down a one way street

I look above

And I know I'll always be blessed with love

And as the feeling grows

She breathes flesh to my bones

And when love is dead

I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection

A lot of love and affection

Whether I'm right or wrong

And down the waterfall

Wherever it may take me

I know that life won't break me

When I come to call, she won't forsake me

I'm loving angels instead"

Robbie Williams - Angels Lyrics 

Have courage, dear heart

that things will definitely look up.

It may not seem like it now,

but blessings will overflow your cup

&

in the darkness the stars will shine,

bright like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, as they whisper

Twinkle, as they sparkle

Twinkle, as she utters, 

"Twinkle, little silly scars."

- acsx

I'd give anything for us to go back to how things used to be

I tell myself to not let thoughts overwhelm me in the middle of the night but here I am again, feeling emotional and enslaved to this horrid cycle. I just... I don't know. I feel so sad, like nostalgic sad not sad sad. I just can't help thinking back to the past when Yi Lian and I were best friends you know? And I won't lie, I've said really really hurtful stuff to Yi Lian over the past few years. I think, in the end, I've hurt her more than she has hurt me and though we're still friends now, I guess some part of me really regrets not handling the friendship well enough.

I can be a really nice friend, trust me, but I can be a really horrible one as well. Merely confronting the fact that I'm a horrible person isn't going to change anything, I know, but trying to move on from that isn't as simple as it seems.

I still haven't read finish Yi Lian's letters.

And I don't know, I guess just reading her past entries and reminiscing how hopeful and passionate I was about her in the early stages of our friendship always strikes me particularly sad. I feel like I've lost something I can never get back, a part of me that is just gone with the wind. Sometimes, I wish I've said more, done more, then maybe she and I wouldn't be like how we are today.

Shit, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't blog this here haha. I just want to let her know, I guess, if she's reading this blog that some part of me really really misses her and I am really sorry for the harsh words that I've uttered to her, saying that she would never be my best friend, well, that's a lie. I never knew forgiveness until it was taught to me, so at that point of time when I texted her that message, I could not understand or see the possibility of a friendship reviving yet. But all the events that transpired with Nelli has taught me that and I just wish I could have been quicker to salvage it before it has turned into this.

I feel horrible, missing something I know I can never get back. I really hate this feeling. My friendship values have dissipated along with my identity. Who am I really? I don't know. I thought I was loyal but now, I don't regard myself as such. I just wish I had a way to reconcile all these conflicting thoughts in my mind.

Can I say this without sounding like a homosexual?

I love you, and I miss you and I guess I have been making the same mistake over and over again but I never knew why so I'm sorry. It's too late now but perhaps my apology might mean something new?

Shit. This entry is spiralling downhill man. Hearing the French Horn solo in Princess Mononoke isn't helping either. It reminds me of band and I can't think of band without thinking of the brokenness present in each of my friendships within the clique or even with Si En or Nena in the past.

If I could, I would change everything you know? I hate that I have to lose it all to know what I've been doing all along is wrong. I hate that I still want to believe in myself, to believe in these values of friendship that are simply not pragmatic in this world.

I want to return back to those times. When we still had dreams, when we looked upon the world with wonder, a place filled with endless possibilities, when happiness was easily attainable, when I still had all my friends with me...

Who am I kidding? I always say this and I'll say it again, "Not one of my crushes has even been worth a tenth of my friends"

The reason why I always bounced back so fast from the obstacles in my life is because I have you guys with me, every step of the way. I guess that's why I broke in polytechnic. I finally had no one you know? It was really no thanks to my actions though. I probably deserve all of it. Doesn't make it any easier but it makes it much more acceptable yeah?

And shit, I don't know what's my damn point anymore. I just have this really sudden urge to meet Ting Wei what the fuck. I don't understand myself anymore. :( I just want to unwind and let someone soak in this stupid nostalgic sadness with me.

I just really miss all of you guys okay? (no homosexuality here)

I want to spend all the time in the world with all of you. I don't want to care about school or all the horrible things weighing us down, preventing us from meeting each other. I just want to let it all go and I really wish for damn once that Ting Wei we're in the same damn school man cause this gets tiring real fast. (I just want to say that I really do miss you a lot too!)

I JUST WANT FREEDOM BACK DAMN IT.

I need more time. I haven't been meeting my friends lately. It's all been church friends and university friends etc and they're really awesome but I don't get to see all of you as much anymore and I really miss you all a lot if that makes sense. I miss going school with you. I miss laughing at all the stupid jokes we used to make. You guys have been my inspiration since day one, and needless to say, Yi Lian, you have been the one who constantly encourages me to write, and now that I've achieved it and entered university, it feels like it doesn't matter anymore cause we both have become so distanced that all the happiness has gone and I really rather take losing my dreams than losing my friendship with you. 

FUCK. Amelia. Stop thinking. Block all thoughts. We promised not to spiral down that train of thoughts, ever. Remember?

Ting Wei, we need to fucking meet up soon before my brain explodes out of my ears.

(biasness towards Ting Wei cause I'm sure the rest of you don't want to hear me whining about the same damn thing again, and because I haven't spent much alone time with her and that is actually making me depressed as hell...)

 I miss you.

:(

lost boy - ruth B

"He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe

Believe in him and believe in me

Together we will fly away in a cloud of green

To your beautiful destiny

As we soared above the town that never loved me

I realized I finally had a family

Soon enough we reached Neverland

Peacefully my feet hit the sand

And ever since that day...

I am a lost boy from Neverland

Usually hanging out with Peter Pan

And when we're bored we play in the woods

Always on the run from Captain Hook

"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me.

Away from all of reality"

- Lost Boy, Ruth B