EMOTIONS

Emotions, they come and go whenever they please, leaving an aftermath that nobody can fathom. I don't know what to say. How do I even beginning explaining the levels of denial? I'm a coward, I'll admit. Therefore, if given a 'fight or flight' situation, I  will choose to flight.

I was okay, or at least I thought I was. It started pretty randomly actually, just Nelli saying that I'm different today. According to her, I'm not myself. Then that got me wondering, why is everyone so concerned about me? Michelle kept asking me if I was fine yesterday too. Did I not look fine? Did I appear to have encountered problems?

That's when I finally figured out that yes, something was indeed troubling me. Because I was so deep into denial, I did not even realize that the emotions I was keeping pent up inside of me was gonna kill me someday. I thought I was fine but lo and behold, I wasn't.

So on bus 25, I began with analyzing the emotions I was feeling. My answers were this: Angst, frustration and anger.

Angst. Why am I angst? I asked myself. Why am I feeling frustrated and angry? Why do I feel like I don't have an outlet to let those emotions out? Why didn't I have such problems in the past? Why didn't I? That's when it hit me:

Band.

And when I reached that conclusion, I knew why I was angry, frustrated and angst. Only three sentences appeared in the forefront of my mind:

I love band.

I need band.

I can't live without band.

Then, I started sobbing like an idiot. YES. I do mean sobbing with those weird disgusting noises we seem to emit when we attempt to sniff graciously. I ACTUALLY CRIED ON THE BUS. *embarrassed* I could not lie to myself any longer. I love band. I really really love it. I really cannot live without it. Yes, I'm still breathing. Yes, I'm still alive, but there's NO LIFE in me. I don't feel happy. Quite to the contrary, I feel empty. There's nothing in life worth looking forward to.

That led me to several other conclusions that I shall not say cause this blog is public but overall, I felt much better after I've cried. I don't know my future; it's so freaking uncertain right now, but all I do know is this, I WILL CARRY ON WALKING THIS PATH I HAVE CHOSEN FOR MYSELF.

Life is filled with twists and turns, ups and downs. I am determined not to let a down period of my life affect me. :D 

*Optimistic*

^^

:) I came to this conclusion though. I REALLY LOVE BAND. My heart is already in it. And somehow when I finally stopped denying it, an immeasurable warmth filled my heart. Finally, I can admit my true feelings to myself. :D

Anyway, ending here. BYE! 

Happiness to me is just spending time together with people you love, and being able to forgive and accept the person for all their mistakes. For if without grace to pardon, how can one truly ever be happy?