EMOEMO! :(

Yo. I'm gonna blog today even though I have something better to do than this which is studying. Yes people, STUDYING. I don't know why but today, while I was studying with Michelle, I simply could not concentrate on studying. Deep down, I've already lost heart in it.

I tell myself that I'm not worried about the meeting. I convince myself that everything's gonna be okay, but you know what? I'm actually not okay at all. I'm actually really worried. This concerns my FUTURE. If I really get this stupid mark on my record, my chances of applying for a scholarship would be zero, needless to say about becoming a veterinarian, an animal trainer, or whatever I wanna be!

If that's the case, I can't help but wonder to myself, then what's the point of studying so hard now? I really don't know what to say. I tried so damn hard to pretend like everything's okay but the truth is, NOTHING IS. I am NOT OKAY.

Michelle kept asking me if I'm alright. I honestly didn't want to reply her any answer. You are my friend for 4 years and still on going, can't you even tell if I'm okay? I don't know. I'm not judging her. I'm just pretty antsy that NO ONE can read my emotions.

Can't you tell sometimes that I'm just pretending to be happy? Can't you tell I'm struggling to be strong? Why can't I ever let this mask down? Why can't I show my weakness in front of others? Yes, maybe now I've finally spoken the truth. I consider tears a weakness, and therefore, I only cry alone.

I actually have no idea why I am even typing this now. I guess deep down I really hope that someone can see through this facade of mine and give me what I need: Understanding. It's difficult maintaining a facade you know? What's worse is that I can never let it down!

In front of Nelli, I can't say a thing. I don't want her to feel bad. IT'S REALLY NOT HER FAULT. I mean, I can be a bitch and blame her for everything but the truth is, I WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO ANSWER HER QUESTION. I was at fault. Period. There is NO DOUBT about that. The thing is just this: She feels unnecessary guilt for it. I don't even blame her and yet she's blaming herself. Go figure it out.

In front of my friends and family, I don't want them to worry, so I scrape by and say everything's okay with a smile. Truth is, nothing's okay. My future is gonna be ruined and I can only stand by and watch. How can I EVER be okay? I don't know. This is one of the times when I can feel it in my bones that working with animals as my future career is WHAT I REALLY WANT. It's THE DREAM. Now it's all in ruins and there's no going back.

I'm thrilled that I'm gonna rear hamsters, I'll admit cause I really NEED the companionship. I just feel so alone sometimes you know? Night makes me emotional, I don't know why. As I look back to the days I've spent on my life, I've realised that the only good thing I've probably done in life is that I've wonderful friends.

I'm happy with my friends even though I have to pretend to smile recently. I'm happy that they're concerned for me yet I know I cannot trust them fully. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends. It's just that if you tell me to start spilling my feelings to them right now, honestly, I can't do it.

When I asked Yilian the question of whether I have changed ever since I have entered polytechnic, she said this:

你没有变到啊！

I was surprised by her answer. Out of all my friends, Yilian was one of my precious friends that knew how to read me pretty well (besides Shimin). I thought she understood me. I thought she could sense the growing distance between us. In the end, she didn't.

It's not Yilian's fault. I'm not blaming her. It's just that sometimes, I wish I can truly find someone who can understand me without me explaining myself. Why is it that I'm so contradicting these days? First I say my friends understand me well, next I say they don't. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Urgh.

Anyway, rest assured guys, I'm still as OPTIMISTIC as ever. HAHA. It's just that the worry has been building up in me and I really need an outlet to vent therefore this entry is posted. :D By the way guys, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CARRY ON WRITING THE *AHHEEMMM* couple? ;) You should know who I'm referring to, but in case you don't, here's what I mean:

Now you know what I'm referring to huh? :D Heh. :P I'll decide to continue or not based on votes. HWAITING. (That was random.) Oh, and my friends, PLEASE don't get offended okay? I didn't mean anything from this post. I'm just slightly delusional at night. ^^ Alright ending this entry that does not make much sense, BYE!

P.S. I will do an entry on hammies tomorrow. ANTICIPATE IT! :)

I miss you.