To Nelli

This blog post sadly is not for Si En. I'm sorry. Yours will be above this. :X Heh. I just want to reply to Nelli's blog entry actually...

"The rest of my friends? There is a change. Even if I denied it, they’d swear there is and then everything can’t be returned to the way it was again. If I’m hurt, it’s numb.
But I do know that I caused 75% of all the hurtings that’s happening to me now. It’s karma and I’ll just accept it. I strongly believe I was some kind of bad character in my previous life, lol.
I wish baby hadn’t told me about his friendship though. It sounds so good and stable, I can’t help but feel a tint of jealousy, why can’t I have friends who hold me close and dear and forgive and forget and just try their best not to drift w me too? I just need some friends who can tell me they love me too." -Nelli's blog

This part... How do I even reply to this? Firstly, there is a change. Of course there is a change. Wouldn't you the one who told me you wanted a new beginning? Of course everything won't be returned to the way it is again. IT WILL BE DIFFERENT. And you being hurt, well, I didn't really mean to.

"Friends who hold me close and dear and forgive and forget and just try their best not to drift w me too? I just need some friends who can tell me they love me too."

It's not that I don't hold you close and dear. It's not like I can't forgive. I can't forget. It's part of my personality but I'm no longer holding it against you. Is that still not enough? Am I very cold towards you? I don't know. I don't know myself too. School seems like a torture these days. 

You think we're drifting now? Yes. Perhaps we are. We just don't really talk to each other when we spend time together do we? I know you're trying. I'm just not that ready okay? I can't barely grasp the fact that Carity's leaving us, I can't barely accept that fact.

Carity is leaving this school, do you really expect me to be fine? To not feel a single ounce of loss? Loneliness, I truly understand how that feels now. No. It's got nothing to do with you. It's just that Carity's been a huge part of my life and now suddenly she's gone and everybody's acting like nothing has happened. It scares me. Sometimes I feel like Carity is just a figment of my dreams. I get scared. I panick. I can't understand what I'm feeling.

You think we've drifted? I'll tell you then, compared to me and Carity, we're considered the 'bestest' of friends already. Carity and me are now like strangers. I feel like she's so so far away from me now. I feel like I can never catch up to her.

Do you feel the same way about me? Perhaps you do. It's not that I'm holding it against you or anything. I just don't really know how to turn back to normal when I'm not feeling exactly normal myself. I don't get it. Carity's gone. Am I the only one affected by this?

I'm tired of pretending like it doesn't matter okay? Cause it does matter. It matters very much to me. I know I keep pushing you to Joel these days. I'm doing that cause I don't know, I really think you're better off being with him right now? It's not that I don't treasure our friendship or I don't care. It's just that I'm now just so fucking lost I don't know how to deal with anything anymore.

I love you. You want to hear that do you? I'm not a person who says such things easily. I can never say them face to face too. Unless you tell me what you're thinking Nelli, I can never find out. If I never read your blog, perhaps I'll never know how you feel. I don't know. I'm really unsure what to do now. Bryan's right. I depend on Carity way too much.

And I don't know if you still think that I don't really wish you and Joel as a couple or whatever foolish thoughts you may have, let me say this straight, I really wish that you and Joel will last forever. I know that you may feel like I'll never be for you but right now Nelli, I'm still learning okay?

I take a long time to move on. Can't you already tell it from the time I took to get over my ex crush? It's difficult for me to move on and I get so afraid easily. A lot of times I think that you're better off with Joel. Really. It's just that sometimes I hurt you so much and I know it so I push you to Joel. I'm sorry but that's the only way I know how to deal with things. Joel can comfort you better than I can. 

I've always suck at comforting people. I'm not good with expressing emotions too. Can you accept that? I'll never be the one who tells you "I love you" every single day. I'm just not that kind of person. I can never be that way anyways.

Sometimes, I really wish that you can get along well with everybody in Joel's clique so that you can join his clique. It's more painless for you this way isn't it? Every time I hang out with you, what you said on your blog rings in my head: Darren said that at least they won't leave you alone to bond like dk what.

I'll admit. I did leave you and Joel together to bond like don't know what with Carity. In the end, I'm still the one so called abandoned and left out. How am I supposed to carry on making friends like this? Seems like every one whom I make friend with in poly all will abandon me in the end.

No. I'm not referring to you and Joel that incident. I'm just referring to life in general. I'm always getting ditched left and right, sometimes I wonder why I even try. I get so tired sometimes. And no, contrary to popular belief, I'm not close to Bryan, Justin Chia and Grace at all. You simply just think that you're not my first choice that's all. You have always been my first choice.

Even when I thought that you were ditching us for Joel, you are still my first choice. I told Carity this: Cause she's my first friend in poly and the only friend I did everything with, that's why I feel so hurt.

This feeling, this sentiment that I told her has not changed till now. You have a really special place in my heart. Grace knows it too. She knows that you and her are of different placing. Yes, I may be seen hanging out around her a few times but you know what, most of the time I just talk about you to her anyway. Does anything even matter?

When I'm with you, I'm cold. When I'm not with you, I talk about you. Now I just sound like some obsessed lover, but what can I do? I'm afraid to continue. I'm afraid of trusting cause I don't wanna get hurt again. Yet, what I am doing now is just hurting you and me both. Foolishness begets foolishness.

I can't do anything these days. I get so scared of going polytechnic cause I'm so scared of facing all those damn problems again. When I'm with Bryan they all, I still feel lonely. I can't act like myself. I feel oppressed. Invisible. If I were to say that do you still think that you do not matter?

When you told me you were gonna pon lecture, I really felt like asking you back then, "How could you leave me alone?" You think I'm in Bryan's clique? No. You are wrong. Bryan only shows concern for me cause Carity told him too. If not, he doesn't give a shit. Every time I hang out with him, he can go on a criticism of my character and make me feel damn demoralised. Perhaps he's looking for Carity's traits in me cause I was/is her close friend. Foolish of him. I'll never be Carity. 

So in the end, I'm just a replacement. I belong no where. Sometimes, I really want to just stop going to school. Nobody cares anyway. Nobody will bother. See how fast Carity disappear? Did anybody care? Sure, people asked where she is, but did anyone truly CARE?

They ask just for the sake of asking, that's why I don't answer them. I only answer those who are showing genuine concern. I'm just tired of all this acting. All this pretense.. Don't you get sick of it?

Perhaps one day I'll really stop going to school. There's no point anyway. I don't learn anything. I feel a ton worse every single day. WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT? It's not that I don't know that you're not there with me. I know. It's just that sometimes, I wish that you can just hang out with me forever. But Joel needs time with you too, I know that. I don't want to do anything that will interfere with your relationship can't you see that?

I'm just so sick of this. This acting.. This falsity.. Can anyone really be true? Is it wrong for me to act like I'm not okay with all of this? I'm not okay with Carity's leaving. I'm not okay with Bryan's hot cold attitude. Like make up your mind if you're ok with me or hate me or whatever. Grace's okay but she'll never replace what you are in my heart, don't you know that?

Sian. I just wanna escape from all of this. Tell me I'm wrong to feel this way please. This sense of loss, tell me I'm wrong to feel this way. If I talk to Bryan about this, he'll probably say to me that I'm weak blah blah blah. LIKE I DON'T ALREADY KNOW HE'S CLOSER TO CARITY. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH STOP RUBBING IT IN MY BLOODY FACE!!!!

"You're so easily puppeted."

"You're too over dependant."

WHO WANTS TO HEAR WORDS LIKE THAT? WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO FUCKING WHO? I'm so frustrated. I'm so damn pissed. Only when Carity's around then he'll treat me better. Other than that, he acts like a fucking jerk. Yeps. You've got that right. Fucking asshole.

I'm tired of hanging out with him. I prefer it when it's Justin me and Grace. Things are more relaxed and peaceful this way. Bryan's words just demoralise me every single time. I'm damn sick of it le. Damn sick.

Oh. And back to our problem? I just don't know. If Joel and I weren't awkward with each other, I'll probably tag along like the unwanted third wheel but the thing is, we are. I can't place you in an awkward position can I? I'm sorry if you think that you're not the number one priority in my heart because of this. I just don't want to be a fucking burden to anyone. I rather die of loneliness. (Isn't that what I'm doing these days?)

I'm just sick tired and numb. Numb to everything. I don't even want to fangirl anymore. I feel like I've let DBSK down. I feel like I've let myself down. I'm so fucking weak that one friend's departure feels like the end of the world to me. You think you're weak? Try me!

I can't function properly. I can't think. Suddenly I feel like I'm all alone. I know that you're there. It's just that surrounding me is all dark and black and all around you is pure and white, why would I even want to drag you down with me. Can you understand that?

I love you. I really do. Even though it seems like it is not so, I really do. I'm just so so so damn scared of you hurting, scared of myself hurting, scared that this whole shit will not work out that I just stop functioning already. I just shut myself down. It's the only way I can go on acting like it's normal. Like everything's okay.

Tired. That's what I am. I'm really sorry for whatever misunderstandings I'm causing. I don't mean it.

Sometimes, I really just wish that you can be with Joel or Lizhen or whatever friend that can make you happy forever cause it's obvious I can't do that. You asked, "Can't we start over again?" I didn't reply cause I don't know if I can do this at all. 

And right now I'm failing terribly ain't it? 

Sighs. Gonna end it here before it turns to a pity self party. Bye.