Bear in mind this okay? It's because this friendship still means something to me that's why I'm blogging this. If not, I won't even care. To be honest, I'm actually already letting go of this friendship bit by bit. It's not because I hate you or resent you. It's because I love this friendship too much to let the present memories ruin the past.
When I read your blog entry, I actually laughed. Was it humorous? No. Yet, I can't help laughing at the bitter sense of irony there. Carity was right. Didn't you know that what you said in your blog entry can actually be used against you?
This is gonna be very unpleasant from here on. If you still wanna avoid this whole situation, if you still wanna pretend that everything's fine, go ahead. Click the 'x' button on the top right hand corner. If you wanna continue this facade then I won't stop you. The thing is this, I won't play with you any longer.
My words now are extremely harsh aren't they? This time, I'm not holding back. All my feelings, I'm just gonna type it out in this damn blog post. This is the truth. THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELING. Feelings that I didn't dare to tell you cause I was afraid you might be hurt, feelings that could not be spoken cause I was a damn coward, but fret not, fear has fled me temporarily and I'm grasping this golden opportunity.
My heart is crying as I'm typing this. It feels so heavy it feels like it's gonna sink all the way to the bottom and come out of my anus. What is right? What is wrong? I can't tell the difference anymore. As I'm typing this blog post, I'm setting "W" this song on repeat. In case you don't know, "W" is the song that JYJ sang for HoMin when they split. Ironic huh? Here I am, typing this blog post to sort of break apart my friendships while there they are, struggling to repair their friendships. Fucking irony. And if you still don't know who HoMin and JYJ are, I just have one question to ask you, how much do you even understand me?
Do you even know what I like now? Do you even know what I'm angry at? Do you even know why I'm typing this blog post? I don't want to type this. I don't want to type this so much that I didn't even touch Blogger for days cause I knew that if I blogged this, our friendship will really be broken. It's like tearing apart a piece of cloth cause it's blocking your way. I don't really want to tear it but if I don't, I'll never progress forward.
If I don't settle this problem with you, our friendship will just be at stand still. There will be nothing of us left. Now wait, come to think of it, is there anything left? I don't know anymore. I just don't know. Who are you Nelli? Who are you? I feel like I don't know you anymore, just like how you don't know me anymore.
You asked, "你现在跟Grace很close ah?"
I smiled at you. I mumbled a reply to you and tried to shrug it off. But still, it ain't right ain't it? When have our friendship come to the point whereby you don't even know who I am close to anymore? I tried to avoid it. I tried to convince myself desperately but even then, I can't. How can you not know who I am close to or not? Who am I even kidding? I don't even know who you are close to either. I don't even understand your feelings now. I don't know a damn thing!
This frustration, it's driving me beyond mad. I don't know what I'm doing. Every time we hang out as a clique. I feel all this inner anger building up inside of me. I feel like punching the wall. I feel like flipping a table. I JUST WANNA GET AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.
Did you think that the problem among us was solved? Did you think that everything's alright? I don't know what you're thinking. The only way to know how you feel is through reading your blog and in your blog, you wrote:
"In school, only Mimi and baby talks to me. I don’t talk to the rest in class because I just don’t dare to. Then right now, Mimi is closer to Riri so what feels to me now is, I’m just part of the clique for name’s sake. Only when I’m with Mimi alone, w/o Riri, it feels like me and her had been best friends since forever. I just don’t feel as close to Riri and I have no idea how to. We’re complete awkward. I’ll admit it now, it might probably be impossible for us to be close ever."
You finally realised did you? You finally knew what was going on in my head all this while. When you were with Joel and I was with Carity alone, I always asked Carity this same question: Why are we still hanging out as a clique?
To be honest, I see no point anymore. In fact, I don't even wanna continue this clique anymore. This brings me back to my main objective, can't we just break this clique apart? I'm really tired of pretending. I'm tired of thinking that things between you and Carity are fine. I'm tired of thinking that things between you and me are fine.
What? You didn't know that there was something wrong? You thought that our friendship was patching? It's not Nelli. I'm letting go little by little and the worse thing is, you don't even notice it. Sometimes I wonder, if I disappear from your life one day, will you even notice?
I'm invisible to you ain't I? I'm just there for show. There for you to make use of when Joel's not there. I'm just a spare tyre. Quoting your blog..
"Everyone just wants to tell their own story. People usually don’t have the patience to sit and listen to another someone’s story. Even if they do, they’d say something and change that story to their liking, somehow. I’m sick of it."
Am I changing the story here? Perhaps I am, but Nelli, ask yourself, did you ever try listening to my story? I am so fed up of giving you glaring hints that our friendship is breaking apart. You don't even notice anything anymore. Am I just invisible to you? Are my feelings really that hidden?
Carity could tell. She knew I was giving up. Then again, you might say that Carity is closer to me that's why she realised that there's something wrong between us but girl, when you first started ditching us for Joel, who was the first person to realise that?
Do you know how much it hurts that the person whom realised that you were ditching us is the very reason why you're ditching us for? Even Joel could tell you were ditching us, why couldn't you? Did we matter that little in your life? Were we nothing? Nothing at all?
You asked me yesterday, "Did I change after I become attached?"
I told you yes but I didn't tell you why. How am I supposed to even tell you? How can I tell you when every time I wanna say something, you're always not there? Even if you're there, you'll always texting Joel. You know how that makes me feel sometimes? It makes me feel like I'm taking up your time. It feels like I'm bothering you.
In the end, I'm just a burden ain't I?
I'm so sick of feeling like that. I treasure our friendship Nelli, but how can I continue this friendship feeling like it is all one-sided? How can I continue being friends when I can't even think of a reason to smile when I look at you anymore?
Memories are playing at the back of my mind as I'm typing this. All the things we used to do together, all the jokes I made that only you understood, all the times you cared for me and actually showed concern.. I can practically feel the sea that was lapping at our feet, see the sun that was rising in the east and hear your voice as we went cycling out on that cool cool night during class chalet.
How did it turn out to be like this?
I'm so fucking frustrated cause I don't know the damn reason at all. When you first drifted from me, I remembered telling myself that it's okay. That it's gonna be alright. New couples need their space after all right? You'll come back once your relationship stabilises, but did you? No you didn't. You carried on walking your own path, totally ignorant of my feelings.
Then again, I told myself, it is your first relationship you're bound to spend more time with him. Still, is this what that should be happening? How many excuses can I make for you and myself? For how long can I continue pretending that everything's fine?
I almost cried the day that Carity texted me that she didn't know what Christmas present to buy for you. I heard it that day. I heard the sound of our clique breaking apart and I knew then that you and Carity's friendship may never be salvaged. No matter how hard I try, it's gonna be the same. You two are never gonna become close friends.
We've been through so much as a clique didn't we? Carity's personal problems.. Weren't you the one who held her hand as she was going through the whole ordeal? What went wrong? It's like I'm standing at crossroads and one path leads to Carity while the other leads to you. I don't know who to choose. I don't even wanna choose. Both mean as much to me, how can I even bear to?
And now as I'm typing this post, I realised that somehow along the way, I've already made my choice. Did I choose Carity? Or did I choose you? If you were to make a guess, who do you think I chose? Carity?
No. I didn't choose her. I decided to create my own path. A path that is walking close to Carity's one and far from yours. I don't want to bear any more hurt anymore. I'm really tired. Don't you know how much you hurt me? You who promised me you would never 重色轻友 did the exact same thing the moment you had a boyfriend.
I told you my deepest fears did I? Or did you forget that as well? I told you a long time ago before you even got attached that I was afraid that you'll ditch me for your boyfriend cause I had a friend who did that to me once. Do you still remember what you said?
"I'll never ditch you, I promise. Friends are more important."
Maybe I'm the foolish one holding onto this promise here. Maybe I'm the foolish one who still keeps the faith. Maybe I'm just plain dumb and stupid. I don't know how to let go. So Nelli, tell me, am I stupid or am I wise? Are your promises worth hanging onto?
You can reply with a blog post. You can even reply me via Facebook, whatever you are comfortable with. Let me just make this clear though: I wanna stop forcing ourselves as a clique. CAN is over. CAN is dead with all those memories. Let's stop pretending. Game's over.
"Time passes. People change. Friends turn into strangers. Strangers turn into friends. Memories fade. Hope turns into dust. Love dies."
I'll be waiting for your reply.
Amelia.
No comments:
Post a Comment