It was a fun experience! Well, it's certainly better than none. I remember our clique going to ice skating the day before and we were just sitting in Mcdonalds chatting about our life when I asked Yilian to list out one bad memory and one good memory about each and every individual one of us. It was only when I asked the clique the same question that I realised one thing: Our bad memories of Yilian were the same.
It's not that Yilian's a bad person. It's just easy to drift apart when you're in a different school and a different setting. I used to blame her. Because of that, I couldn't forgive her. Haha. Now, I don't even care. I don't know what's important to me anymore. I used to demand a lot from my friends but I have now come to realise that my demands are really unreasonable and that gifts are not supposed to be returned. Yes, it would be nice if the other party returns your gift but it isn't MANDATORY.
Compared to the me in beginning of this year, I can fairly say that I've matured. My thinking has sharpened and it's now that I've realised things are not as simple as they seem. There are more than what meets the eye. I was blissfully ignorant but now that my eyes are opened, they are all that I can see.
You know something? In order for someone to begin on a fresh slate, all memories would have to be erased. We are always so confident that we can start anew when something bad or tragic happens but can we truly? How can we act as though nothing has happened when those memories still haunt us? How can we pretend that something never existed?
Don't ask me where I'm going with this for I have no idea myself. Perhaps it's cause I'm hearing xxxHolic's OST. Perhaps my brain's all hay-wired. My mind's in a jumble. My heart feels abnormally heavy. Is that what the holidays do to you? 'Cause I ain't feeling no holiday spirit man.
Weird feelings haha. You know, I just had a random thought. Some people are blinded by love. Some people are blinded by hate. Is it then possible to be blinded by both hate and love at the same time? Is it even possible for someone to love and hate that one person simultaneously? Is it possible to experience such intense emotions at the same time?
Just a thought. Don't mind me. I don't know what's gotten over me haha. I'm just going slightly mad over the inactivity I've been doing these days I guess. No. Strike that. Technically my life's been really happening. I've gone ice skating with the clique, River Safari with Tingwei and Yilian, project meetups with Bryan, Justin and Huini, church with Vincent and the care group...
Well, if there's something I'm really happy about this year, I guess it'll be that I'm finally in a church. I'm finally fitting in somewhere. I don't know if it's important to you guys as it is to me but I really hate feeling unwanted. I pride a sense of belonging sometimes over my survival haha. That explains to you guys why I find cliques easily and stick to them for life. I need friends to survive. I'm not even gonna lie about that.
I love my friends now and I love my family. Honestly, 2013 has been really good to me. Sure, exams were horrible. Still, I had the help from my friends and the support of my family right? More importantly, I've found my standing. Though the future is still unknown as of now, at least I've discovered certain things I've liked and disliked about myself and others.
I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm finally wising up. I'm starting a new life. A real life. :) I can still recall the time when I was at Starbucks in Changi Airport talking to Nelli when she mentioned something that stirred my senses.
She said she was afraid I'll be oversensitive and think that she's making use of me again.
Surprisingly, I've stopped thinking of her like that. I don't know when it stopped too. I guess my heart just wanted to let go of the past and forget everything that had happened. It's endless; this list of grudges. The only way to move on is to let go. As this year approaches its end, I realised what's been holding me back all this while, is well, me.
I think back to the past and to be honest, there are a lot of things that I want to erase about myself. The foolish mistakes I've made, the painful laughter, the forced smiles, the conspiracies, the bitter hatred... Won't it be easier if I just let all of them go? After all, how can I begin if the slate isn't clean in the first place? How can I start anew if the past's holding me back like chains, enshrouding me in bitterness and pain?
Remember that time I told you guys I want to stop hating myself? Well, I think it's true. The resolve in me right now is so strong I'm surprised by myself haha.
It's the holidays now anyway. I CAN do this and I WILL do this. Throwing away the penknife may be the first time but there's many others more to come. I kept the penknife all these years as a reminder of the mistakes I've made but now, I need no more reminder. It's time to let go. It's time to break free.
"It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free."
-Let it Go, Frozen
I fell in love with this song because of the lyrics and how much they spoke to me. If you recall, my previous blog post is about Papo and Yo right? Well, remember me saying how much the game Cat Lady actually spoke to me? It's cause the Cat Lady is a really depressing game and it's really just about a woman trying to overcome her past and get out of her state of depression. For someone who lost their utter will to live, she found a reason to breathe again. And do you know what that reason is?
It's love.
And this same love can be given by your family, your friends or even someone you don't know. Love can be given readily and received freely. Love is just that powerful. :D
With this love, well, I'm ready.
They say to love others, you must first love yourself. Let's just hope that for next year and the year after that, I'll learn how exactly does one loves oneself haha. Time to stop all that deprecating of self.
I'M BREAKING FREE~
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