RANT

Yo! Here I am blogging once again. :) Annyeong everyone. :)

Now, after reading Nelli's blog post, I don't know why but I feel oddly depressed. I guess I understand that after all; the feeling of not having enough 'alone' time. The thing is just this, once I get 'alone' time, I complain about it, saying that I'm forever alone. If I don't, I sulk like a bitch.

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? *inserts troll face*

Holidays though comforting are getting me to think, which is something that I really dread at the moment. I don't wanna think. I don't wanna start analysing my feelings cause honestly, it's really a bitch. HA. Life sucks. Life is a bitch. Reality is a nightmare I wanna wake up from. Reality sucks.

Okay, I've been repeated the same thing over and over again and that doesn't really help now, does it? I'm thankful for holidays though. Holidays gave me time to patch up my relationships and mend them. I'm happy that my friendships are healing. Sien and Shimin really mean so much to me. I love them.

Of course, I love Nelli, Carity, Winnie, Elsie, Tingwei, Yilian and Michelle too. ^^ They are my favorite people in the world cause they have taught me so much about love, respect and giving. They shaped my life so for that, thank you. ^^ OH AND NENA. THANKS TOO, HAHAHA!

The one thing that I still haven't changed about myself is the insanely jealous part that does not seem to go away no matter how hard I try.  *sighs* STOP BEING JEALOUS OVER SIEN AND NELLI AND ALL THE FRIENDS THAT YOU HAVE AMELIA, YOU BLOODY PIECE OF SHIT!!! *slaps self*

I know that when Nelli talked about Joel today or when Sien talked about her drawings, I actually gave a super black face and kept taunting them. I don't wish to you know? There's just something really mean in me that keeps showing that insane jealous side that I really need to get rid of. Amelia, DO SOMETHING! :( If only I was a Bleach character.. That way I can probably fight myself in my inner world huh? I NEEDA GET A GRIP MAN.

I never used to have trust issues. Well, maybe I did but they were never this serious. Not after Sheryl anyway. I don't get myself. I call them my friends yet I don't completely trust them? I feel ashamed sometimes. I used to be so transparent but now I'm actually selecting people to talk to. I can't even find the energy to care for some friends of mine even though they did nothing wrong. Why am I being like this? It's at times like this that I really hate myself.

I need to learn to let go of things that were never mine to start with. Nelli is right about doing something about him. On the other hand, what can I do about him? He will never like a girl like me. We are polar opposites. It's a wonder why I even like him in the first place.

DAMN IT. I hate this. I wish life was simple. I wish that I did not let all those things past me without holding on to them. I wish for a lot of things, but wishes never did come true did they?

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Because I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you


I confused my feelings with the truth when there was me and you, haha. I love that line. I love this song. Sometimes I think it really describes Chuanjie and I. Chuanjie didn't like me from the start but I was falling hard. I still like him and to be honest, I really disgust myself. Like what I told Shimin and Michelle, I tried to forget him. I tried to pretend that he didn't exist in my life. I tried to but it failed. The memories just kept rushing back.


It's as though he's right in front of me. His smiles, his shyness, his embarrassed face, his serious expression, his cheeky tone...


Everything about him draws me in and I guess yes, I still like him. What do I do? It's been 2 years now and I still can't forget. Rejection. Rejected. What doesn't my heart understand from these two words? I wish I could force it to understand. I wish I know the reason for this persistent 'like'.


No. I won't call it love. It's not that deep yet, or at least I hope so. These days, I can't really differentiate between love and like anymore. Sure, I won't die for him. Still, I don't even know if I can carry on living properly if I've known he's dead. I WILL LIVE. Make no mistake. I think that I will just isolate myself from every boy though. HA. As though I'm not doing that now.


*sighs*

Boys/Guys have the power to break girls' heart, just like how girls have to power to move on and forget easily. I really need that now though. The ability to move on and forget. I want to forget. I want to erase those memories away. I need to do that but I'll never do that cause I honestly can't imagine life without remembering him.


Okay. I do sound like I'm in love right? I swear I'm not though. X) My feelings towards my friends are greater than him LOL. So it must not be love! *nods head* Let's leave it as that. 


Alright. Nothing to say now that I've ranted finished. :) WEEEE.

And Yilian, my condolences to your turtle. I hope it stays happily at Rainbow Bridge, ^^.

BYE.