RANT

The lawsuit is postponed again and this time for an indefinite amount of time. Oh God, STOP TORTURING US FANS AND JYJ. I really don't get it. Arbitration? FUCKING ARBITRATION? They came to court cause they can't agree with each other and you're still pushing for an agreement? WTF. Then what are courts for?

I'm seriously having a very negative impression of courts now, what with Carity's mum and this stupid lawsuit. URK. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE JUDGE? CAN'T HE MAKE A DECISION ALREADY? Oh God. I'm so pissed by everything and Junsu's tweet is echoing my feelings.

Talking about feelings, I haven't done my piece on Emotions yet. Fuck. Submission date is this friday. Seriously, FUCK. I can't even write anything out now. My standard of English is elementary standard and it's still deproving and I have no idea how to improve it and it's driving me insane cause it's one of the things that I really love and I can't do without and it just feels like the whole cycle's repeating itself and I just wanna kill someone.

Strike that. I can probably write an essay on various ways to murder SMent right now so I wouldn't say I'm outta emotions. URK. WHY CAN'T I WRITE?? *pissed* I'm just so pissed, so effing pissed..

I'm so envious of Yilian's life right now. She has a passion. I have none. In fact, my life has no single sense of direction. (YES NELLI, ONE DIRECTION!) Where am I going from now on? What's my ideal career? WHAT CAN I DO? I don't know. I've become so indecisive that I'm scaring even myself. The more I study, the more I feel that I don't belong there. I don't.

Is this how it feels like to go crazy? Band used to be my anchor to reality but without band, it's like my life's been thrown into turmoil, into this chaos called reality. Yeah, whoever said that reality is a bitch is right. It is a bitch! -.-

I'm afraid. Writing is the next thing that I really love after band. I can't lose it. I really can't. Yet, I can't even write a single shit out. EVERYTHING IS JUST NOT UP TO STANDARD. EVERYTHING IS JUST SO FUCKING LOUSY I WANNA BURN EVERYTHING UP. I tell myself I've got my own strengths but now even my own strengths are failing me.

I wanna write so badly, but nothing turns out nice. I get frustrated. Anger takes control of me. I delete whatever I wrote without hesitation. I try again. It's not up to standard, then the cycle repeats itself.. Holidays are meant as a resting phase before we get thrown back into studying again but somehow I can't rest. My Chinese is shit now. My English is shit. All my languages are shit. I hate this.

I can't speak in proper English nor Chinese and somehow a sense of failure is gripping me. I feel lost. I've always mapped out my life but now it's like I'm stuck in a forest with an outdated map with a broken compass. How great! How freaking great! How can I even make out of this mess? 

Why did I even leave in the first place? Why didn't I hang on? Why did I lose the confidence? Why did I lose the courage? Why am I being like this? Why?

뫠?

Sighs. This is just a rant from everything that's been building up these days. Hopefully I'll get over it soon and resume being myself. Alrighto~ Got a list of things to accomplish. ^^

1. Bring hamsters to see the vet on Thurs with Nelli then go play swing with Michelle.

2. Write a story on 'Emotions' by 28 Sept.

3. Take a picture with the word 'nae' for upcoming DBSK anniversary fan project.

4. Write my plot for my YJ fic that is refusing to leave my head.

5. GET. A. FUCKING. LIFE.

Personally I think step 5 is the most difficult of all but it's not up to me to choose huh? ;) I have to do it. GAMBATTE! ^^

P.S. I seriously don't wanna go to class outing but if Carity goes then I'll go. Sorry ah Nelli. :X

P.P.S. I need school to start like RIGHT NOW so I can study to forget all these shit.