ANGST

Read an angsty character death Yunjae fic and cried like shit. I mean yes, there's character death so I already expected to cry but I really didn't expect to cry like shit. Really. The story's plot is pretty simple. Yunho has terminal prostrate cancer and Jaejoong, his husband, Moonbin, his son, Changmin, his stepbrother, Junsu and Yoochun, both whom are Jaejoong's friends were accompanying him in his last days.

It's a simple story with a simple plot, yet my tears couldn't stop as I read on and on. I remembered what Carity said about her father, I remembered my grandmother dying on the bed.. My tears just won't stop flowing. The pain described in the story, I felt it too well having experienced it beforehand.

“I can’t remember him… I can’t remember Dad’s old self.” He cried in his Uncle’s embrace. “I kept remembering his thin body and darken skin, the hollow eyes that looked at me, I- I can’t remember the father that he was! The handsome and strong Dad that I was so proud of! I just can’t! And it terrified me! Daddy said that I should remember the good things only but it’s really hard! It’s really hard, Uncle Min!”

Changmin caressed his nephews head. “It’s never easy but you should learn to do it. Look at the albums on the shelves, carve the figure in the photos into your mind… there will be a day when the nightmare is over. You’ll remember you Dad like he used to. And you’ll get your Daddy’s back in time. Pray…”

-Taken from Till Death Do Us Part, Blackout

This line made me cry again and again. You will never understand unless you've experienced it yourself. The pain of watching your loved ones dying.. Your helplessness.. Your pain.. How can you understand it? How can I even understand it?

It was then that I realised that I was not strong. No. I was a coward. I couldn't even hold myself together after all that had occurred. I'm really pathetic in that sense. I still remember you know? I remember checking my phone all the time afraid of what I might or might not see. I remember praying that she would faster go to heaven so that she would not need to suffer anymore. I remember my father's face in tears. I remember him asking me questions like a lost broken child. 

Then I don't wish to remember. Then I want to forget. I wished that it was all a dream. I came home everyday to an empty house and blasted the radio music in the house out loud as I tried to study for mid years. Did it work? No. I don't think it did. Still, I just went on life as normal, like nothing had changed cause I didn't want anything to change.

The line that I took from her fic, the line where Moonbin, the deceased's son say he cannot remember the good things at all is what made me cried the most cause it's true. It's true up till today. Everytime I close my eyes, I see her mask of pain, her mask of terror. I try to remember the times when she was happy but I realised that I never stuck around long enough to see it. I realised that I never spend enough time with her. It's been two years now yet I still can't forget. I can't forget that deep rooted fear, that waiting in suspense.. I still can't forget.

I can't remember either. I can't remember seeing her smiles or how she even looks like when she smiles. I can't remember a thing! It's driving me crazy. Why can't I remember? Why did I not visit her more often when she was still alive? Why oh why? I regret. I still regret. I wish I could have told her that I would not be the person I am today if not for her. Thank you my grandmother. Thank you.

I tell myself since that day though that I will never give up on my dreams and I will never cut myself ever again. Everytime when I am tempted to make a cut, I tell myself that this life, this life my grandmother was fighting for is the life I'm having right now, and just like that, the temptation's gone, and I never cut again.

Until this day, I still keep the penknives I used to cut with. I force myself to look at the rusty bloodstained blades and tell myself of what a foolish mistake I made. I never thought that I could die from cutting. I seriously did not think so. When I made that deep incision with Sheryl and watched my blood flow, it still didn't occur to me that the wound could have continued bleeding on and on and I would have died. I just enjoyed seeing my blood flow out of my wound. It didn't relieve my pain, but it did remind me that I was human and I was okay with that.

It was only when Shimin scolded me that I regained my senses. I will never forget that day. It was a turning point in my life. No. It's not the fact that she called Chuanjie and Khiameng afterwards. I won't be surprised if they didn't care. They were not my friends at that point of time. Shimin is.

The memory is burnt into me. Her face was livid with anger. Her veins were bulging out of her forehead and at that time she said to me coldly: You could have died you know?

It was only one sentence but it sent chills to my heart. I realised how lucky I was. If I had sliced any deeper most probably I would have cut my main artery and I would have died. For no bloody reason I would have thrown my life away. I feel stupid now. Really.

It's because of this that I don't judge smokers anymore. Cutting doesn't even have nicotine and it's already addictive enough, I can't even imagine smoking. Carity is a strong girl though, and I know that she'll keep her promise and quit by graduation. I believe in her.

Yilian was complaining that she became more negative than before. I don't think so though. I think that she's just finally letting us see a side of her that she never let before. For that, I'm thankful. I really am. I don't want to regret not saying this so yes, I love her. I love her with all my heart.

I love all my other friends too. You know who you are. I don't have to name you. I love you okay? I really do. Death is not the end; it is the beginning. If I were to die one day, I have a few requests for my funeral, LOL.

1. I want a colour picture.

2. Only invite my close friends and family. No point in having strangers whom I don't know gawking over my body. I will feel uncomfortable. (although I'm already dead)

3. Make the ratio that you cry and you laugh be 50:50. I want to see your smiles after your tears. ;')

4. Blow bubbles, play games, I don't care. There's a time for mourning and there's a time for fun. Play while you can and cry when you need to. Stay as one family, that's all I ask.

5. PLAY DBSK SONGS. WAHAHAHAHAHA. DB5K ones okay? ;) (I especially want Insa by Jaejoong though)

6. My organs and my body, if they can save another life, take them. It's free for grabs. ;D

7. Cremate me. Scatter my ashes or keep them if you want. I just want to be cremated.

8. IF I'm miraculously attached or married, I would like my husband/bf to move on LOL. Don't forget about me, but move on. :)

That's all at the moment. :) I shall think of more as I complete this journey called Life lol. ^^ I'm blessed already though. I have God. I have a loving family. I have wonderful friends. I really have everything that I already need or want, I am kinda contented already.

I do wish that I'm a blessing to everybody I know though. :) HAHA. Omg. Why is this turning into a weird entry LOL? Alright. No more deaths. I'm alive and that's what matters. ^^

GAMBATTE.