I wasn't really counting on anybody to read it honestly. Although sometimes I do blog on this blog for you guys to know my feelings and what's going on in my life, that entry wasn't meant to garner any attention. Hell, I didn't even wanna publish it in the first place. Now I sound like some ungrateful bitch lol. Okay, thanks for all the advices and concern but right now I'm really fine. I'm not pretending or putting on a facade. I'm truly truly happy and satisfied.
After reading Nelli's blogpost, well, I've gotta agree with her. Although we may appear to be close, deep down I doubt that our friendship can withstand the test of time yet. No. It is not strong enough. I have a deep fear of her leaving me somehow. Yes, I'll blame it fully on Sheryl but the truth is I'm just plain insecure. I'm scared of losing my friends somehow, and once again I shall blame it on Sheryl. Haha. Nelli, remember the nightmare I told you about you and Joel hugging in front of me? I lied. You both did hug in front of me but that was not the reason for my nightmare. No. You, in my dream, actually just took Joel's hand and walked off without even saying bye. It was then that I realised that one day I'll probably lose you to him. Okay. That's just being childish. I can't help my fears alright? I'm already trying to control myself though. :/
It's however damn depressing to dream about my friends leaving me one after the other for the sake of their boyfriends. Before I dreamed about that nightmare about Nelli, I dreamed about Sheryl and Jason. You know what's funny? I've been with couples (look at Leon & Carity and Joel & Nelli!) but never have I felt like crying when I was with them. Never did I feel like I was really really lonely. Sure, I felt left out at times, but I never felt like I was alone. I guess Sheryl's an exception. Every single time I dream about her, I'm always crying. I can't take it sometimes. Why the fuck am I still with her? How? How can she even do this to me?
Just recently I was bitching about her to my band juniors. Yes, it's bad of me to do this. I know. That's why I'm blogging about this now. I want her to know what kind of disgusting person I am. I don't deserve to be her friend just like how she doesn't deserve to be mine. Still, it's provided that she even reads my blog in the first place right?
Anyway like I was saying, that day, I was badmouthing her to my juniors. The more I bitched about her the sadder I feel. It's supposed to make me happier right? But why do I feel much much more sad instead? Why do I feel like my heart's ripping into pieces?
You no longer treat her as a friend, do you?
Friends don't bitch about each other. It's like an unwritten law but I just breached it. Since when did I stopped considering her as my friend? Since when did I erect the walls between us? I didn't realise but now I know. I was so hurt. No. I AM still hurt by whatever she did to me. I'm just starting to accept the facts now.
She never treated me as her friend.
If she did, she wouldn't flirt with my crush. If she did, she wouldn't text him consecutively for days non stop and even during band. If she did, she wouldn't badmouth me to my crush. If she did, she would have respected me. If she did, she would have been concerned about me. If she did, she would have wished for me to celebrate her birthday. If she did, she would never have done all those things to hurt me.
The problem is she did not.
I'm just starting to comprehend how Sheryl has somewhat destroyed my faith in people. It's gradual but I think I can catch a glimpse of why Shimin is so angry at Sheryl and refuses to forgive her. She insulted Shimin's mother, something I wouldn't even dream of doing. Shimin's mother is a strong woman, someone that I respect from my heart. If I had gone through what she had, honestly, I don't even think I will survive. That's why I was always so careful to ensure that my anger at Shimin when we quarrel will not lead me to doing rash actions. It was vital. It's not about angering Shimin although it was the main reason in the beginning. It's cause Shimin's mother is a survivor and that garners my respect. However, Sheryl didn't know, did she? She didn't know the importance of mothers. She didn't appreciate.
I thought I knew her. I thought I saw her true self beneath all that dung but now I've realised. No. I don't and I never will. It's difficult but slowly I'm beginning to accept that she truly does not treat me as a friend. In her eyes, probably only Yilian's her friend cause only Yilian accepts her unconditionally without judging. I'm sorry, Sheryl. I just can't do it.
I can't be the friend that you want, just like how you can't be the friend that I want. You've shown no care and respect for anyone that I know of except for Jason. Is Jason really your life? I don't know. I can't figure you out and maybe I never will. You're like a puzzle that I can never solve, a lock which I have no key to.
I still remember that before Pottermore sorted me into Slytherin, they had a questionnaire. One of the questions was this: What do you fear the most? They had various sorts of options but the first one I saw was the word 'darkness'. I didn't know why but it caught my attention, and so I put it in as my greatest fear.
When you say that you're afraid of darkness, many people just assume that you're afraid of the dark. I find it amusing. I am in no way afraid of the dark. Heck. I've been out alone at the wee hours and I still dare to return home. No. Being in the dark does not scare me. While contemplating about the situation with Sheryl, I've suddenly came to a realisation. No. What scares me is not the surrounding darkness, but the darkness within every single one of us. I think I can finally understand a bit of how Draco Malfoy must have felt during his seventh year. The looming darkness, it just threatens to swallow you whole does it not?
In my dreams, I'm always a criminal or either I'm dying. I wonder if that's because I truly picture myself that way subconsciously. Haha. Don't worry though peeps if you even are, I can feel myself healing already. I can feel the wound healing.
If I could I would describe the pain that Sheryl has caused me as wounds. There were multiple wounds present on my body and yet I chose to ignore them. I thought that they could not be wounds, cause I was not feeling any pain. I thought they would vanish if I ignored them, but alas it wasn't so was it?
By allowing the wounds to fester and not accepting the fact that I was wounded, I allowed the wounds to become infected. It was easy to cure at first, just some disinfectant and maybe some plasters, but my neglect let to bacteria seeping into my body through these wounds, complicating them. Before I knew it, I was already seriously ill.
It started as something simple, but it snowballed into something so much more. Who's the real fool here? Am I, for allowing her to ruin my life or her, for allowing me to ruin hers? Jealousy kills any friendship. I should have accepted that my friendship with her ended a long time ago. Why the hell did I still insist on pretending that everything's okay?
Now my wounds are so severe that I can't pretend that they aren't there anymore. I can't forgive anymore. I've lost that capacity. I'm sorry Sheryl. I'm so so sorry for saying that I forgave you, and that I had forgotten all that you did to me. I'm sorry. I lied. I can't forgive and I can never forget. I loved you, but I guess that love is not enough to overcome the problems we had. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I was trying too hard to fit in your world. I should have known. I never belonged.
Now I feel a semblance of hope. I can finally feel my wounds healing. Sure, they will leave a scar. Sure, they will destroy my flawless skin but you know what? I'm weirdly proud of scars. They show people how much one have been through. They tell you a person's personality. I have scars on my body and I'm not ashamed to show them. Every single one of them has a story, a lesson that I will never forget. Can you say the same for yourself?
Don't judge based on appearances. Yes, she's a smoker. Yes, she speaks crudely, but do you know what lead to her current state? Do you know what happened that caused her to become like that? Nobody is borne evil. I repeat, nobody is borne evil. How can you judge someone without even knowing what she has been through? I used to be so condemning towards smokers, but somehow now I think I can finally see and not judge.
I thank Carity for that. She has opened up my eyes to a world I knew existed but never bothered to care about. What does it really mean to be living in poverty? What does it really mean to be in pain? She always tell me this:
我们人的世界不是黑白色分明的，如果你只了解白色的地带不明白黑色的地带，那你还是会失败。因为我走过这样的路所以我了解他们为什么会这样做。有时候真的是逼不得已，有时候是周围朋友的影响，不管是怎样虽然犯罪了是他们的错，但不试着了解他们的人的你，又对到哪去呢？
有时候我有点瞧不起那些自以为自己很厉害的人。他们只会顾自己不会照顾他们的家人，试问他们赚的那些钱又是拿来干嘛的呢？父母辛辛苦苦把他们养大，他们长大后却忘恩负义，抛下父母离去，他们这些“聪明”的人，社会自认为比较“高级”的人究竟人格好到哪去了？
我认识那些属于黑地带的人，虽然他们脾气坏，虽然他们被社会认定为人格恶劣的人，但他们至少会尽孝道，至少会懂得疼跟珍惜他们的父母。那样的他们在我的眼里比那些只会赚大钱的商人好多了。连自己的家人都不会珍惜的人赚再多的钱也没用。
Always, I will hear her speak about this and carry on telling me about her family circumstances. From her I have learned so much. What does it mean to be accepting? What does it mean to be loving? What does it mean to be a family? They are not rich. They do not even have the power to buy whatever things that they so desire but yet they are happier than all the other rich families I've seen. What has society turned into? Are we so into labels now? Why are we labeling everyone? Why are we being so judgmental? I've always thought that I had an open mindset but now I know. No, I didn't.
I don't judge smokers now. There must be a reason why they smoke, just like how there's always a plot behind every story. I've heard Carity's story and though I cannot understand as I've never been through all that before, I'm trying my best to give all the love I can to her. She has a tough life and so if I can just be that one angel that inspires her then I'm happy. She deserves to be happy. Heck. Everyone deserves to feel so. I despise myself so much now. I've read my post WAE for the second time and I feel like slapping myself. How can I complain when I already have so much? How can I?
Carity will never read this blog. I have never given her this blog address but for once I wish I did. Do you understand how it feels to have your heart breaking into many tiny little pieces? Real pain? I thought I knew it when my grandmother died but I don't know it yet. I don't know it, until I heard Carity uttered this sentence.
我们这种circumstances的人就会变成这样的人咯。
My heart broke. Then I spoke to her nephew.
Me: 你为什么整天不要听大人的话?
Jeryl: 大人每次说小孩子不能做这个不能做那个结果自己还是做了。大人整天骗人。我不喜欢大人。
This pain I feel in my heart.. How can I even begin to describe it? This is just a tip of the iceberg. How many people out there are still suffering in silence? How many? And yet? There's nothing I can do to stop it. I feel so helpless, so powerless..
For all the helpless people out there if I'm fortunate enough to meet you, the message below is for you. Carity, it's yours. ^^
If even for that one second I can provide you the love you so desperately seek then please, go ahead and take it from me. Take all that you want. I won't pity you cause you're the same as me. I won't try to act like I understand cause I don't. I can't promise you forever cause humans leave and humans die. Just for this moment that I'm in your life, just in this period of time, let me be an angel that shower you with love, that show you that not everything is just lies, that real love truly exists. Let me be there for you. Don't hide behind your wounds. Don't pretend to be strong. I love you. I'm praying for you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me into your world. Thank you for allowing me to mature. Thank you. :)
I will forever and ever keep the faith. Yes, it's DB5K's slogan but it has an entire different meaning to me now. It symbolises so much more. Always keep the faith and hope to the end. Nothing is impossible. Surely the rainbow will be seen after the rain, and the light after every darkness? Let's believe in that hope and never despair, okay? There's always a solution to every problem. Remember this phrase okay?
ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH.
^^
PS. Had an excellent time with Sien and Nena then Elsie today. LOOKING FORWARD TO HANGING OUT WITH SECONDARY SCHOOL CLIQUE FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS!
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