Yuutsu

Today was one such day. Getting out of the bed was a torture. Talking to anyone was a hindrance. Even opening my eyes felt like I was hiking a mountain. Days like these I just want to rot at home and do nothing, nothing at all...

I didn't study today nor did I study yesterday. There's just so much on my mind lately. The thing is this: I don't even know what's bothering me. It's just me feeling annoyed and irritated at myself. So many things are slipping out of my mind. My mind's like a whirlpool with thoughts floating like clouds in the sky. If you look deeper, you'll sink beneath the water. If you look up, your head will be stuck in the clouds. You won't even know what you're thinking anymore. And the middle, well, in between that whirlpool and the clouds is just sadness. Unexplainable sadness or hypophrenia as shown in the picture.

I don't know what's going on anymore man but today's service helped me realised something: I fear commitment. That shocked me. I never thought I would fear commitment y'know but turns out it's the truth and that kinda makes me sad. 

I feel like the only time I was ever passionate about something was band and those years of my life were one of the best ones. Band was the only thing I've truly fought for in my life but now, now there's nothing. It's just the silence and me.

I'm getting tired of stepping out of my comfort zone if that makes any sense. I'm tired of socialising, tired of talking, tired of listening, tired of even reaching out to another person. I feel like something's weighing heavily on my heart but I don't know what it is and it's driving me mad. Huiling, one of my church leaders, prayed for me before our follow up session (something akin to a Bible study) and she said this: I pray that she'll remember the broken dreams she used to have.

And that sentence just filled me with sadness. It's like in that instant, those memories flashed by my mind and everything just came rushing back. I used to be so courageous, so giving and so friendly. Now, it's the complete opposite. My soul was fresh, my spirit was on fire but now my soul's weary and my spirit's down. Where am I heading in life? I tell myself I don't feel empty inside but now as I look back at my life, the emptiness is apparent. I'm a hollow vessel with nothing inside.

I'm just so tired of people in general. I'm losing faith in friends or the idea of friendship in the first place. I used to stand so strong with my beliefs but now, now I just can't be bothered anymore. It's like a black fog just came upon me and it's staying there for good. It's not budging and everyday it stays on top of me, I feel worse.

It's hard to explain to someone that you feel sad but you don't know the reason why. You just feel sad. You can't explain it. Science tells you you lack monoamines but fuck that. I don't care about fucking serotonins. I won't let some stupid hormone or neurotransmitter in my body rule my mind. Some people have normal levels of that shit don't they? Even if they don't, they gorged on chocolates but it still didn't work so don't tell me about stupid monoamines. I don't believe that crap.

I hate science. The more I study it, the more cynical of the world I become. The world used to be black and white. Now, it's gray with a few black spots. It's so odd. My imagination's running wild. I try to study but it feels like I'm not participating in the studying act. I feel dissociated in an odd sense I guess. I do care about my family and certain friends but beyond that, I'm numb. The black fog obscures my vision.

I guess if I was a character in the Bleach universe my inner world would be a forest. A dark and dense forest with barely a light shining through. The path will be illuminated by a single floating candle in mid-air and I would stand in that huge forest, staring at the light as the owls hoot and the bats fly by. The illumination will change according to my emotions. If I'm happy, it'll be daylight and sunlight will shine through the trees. The birds will chirp and squirrels will scurry. The candle remains floating in the air but in the day, it takes on a gentle glow, resembling a fairy light. I will be happy and I will sit at the foot of the tree, reading a book and listening to nature's calls. But if I'm angry, the sky will change. It'll be dark clouds overhead and the trees will sway with the strong gusts of wind. The rain will fall and lightning will stretch across the sky as thunder rumbles in the far distance. There will be no sound except the ferocious roar from nature as animals would have hid away, scurrying down their barren holes. I will stand at the foot of the same tree and let out a blood curdling scream. The storm echoes my anger. However, if I'm sad, the inner world changes. The candlelight flickers and the rain falls. Drip by drip they'll land on my face and get mixed with my tears as they roll down my cheeks. It would not be a thunderstorm but a gentle rain instead. The animals will not hide but they will stand in the rain with me. None will sing. No sound will be made for silence was the greatest noise of them all.

My inner world sounds perfect huh? Perhaps I should send this to Tite Kubo haha. I even thought of a character ya know? She'll have ash colored hair that ends with gentle curls. Her eyes will be red and they will pierce through every soul with their intensity. She'll have a quiet demeanour with a mysterious air surrounding her. For no one knows who she is nor what she does. She is invisible, blending into the fog with ease. She will not speak but if she does, it'll be a melancholic sound that touches your heart like raindrops landing on your skin. It shall fill you with immeasurable sadness and pain. It shall haunt your very soul.

"Yuutsu."

That'll be her name for it depicts her personality well.

憂鬱.

Her name written in Kanji. There will be no surname for she does not have one. She doesn't belong anywhere. Not even Aizen wanted her. 

See, Tite Kubo, you sure you don't want this character I just made up? :)