rant

Today was terrible. I got back my results. Cs. Cs. Cs...

I remember joking with my sister about her grades back when she was in university. I told her she had a sea of Cs, but when it came to mine, I just felt so disheartened I couldn't study anymore. I know Cs may not seem as bad as compared to the rest. Perhaps others have it worse. Fine, but at least their practicals are better right? My theory is supposed to be better than my practical but at this rate, damn, nothing is good.

The thought of me having to go through all that again just makes me so frustrated you know? All that studying for one stupid sheet of paper... Damn diplomas. Damn that shit. I like how I spent literally three years of my life studying something I know I can't ever see myself in. I don't know if I'm supposed to accept this as my fate or my life. Maybe I'm just being a whiny ass bitch. I don't even know anymore.

I just know I can't study today, not when so much is going on my mind. I can't concentrate cause the feeling of self-disappointment is so great. I hate to disappoint myself. It's just a really sucky feeling and it makes me so damn tired.

Self-tired.

In all honesty, I've been feeling a little drained these days. You can tell from my previous post. It summarises everything I have to say.

"Two days ago, I met up with Amelia, after like a few months. The contrast was real big...our behaviours...there she was, connecting with people every few minutes, trying to involve people in her everyday life."

"... trying to involve people in her everyday life..."

I think that statement is not true, no offense Yilian. The only friend I ever share things with now is only Tingwei. When something happens, she's the first person I'll tell. Cause that's the way things work right? People are always so willing to talk but no one's willing to listen and I'm just so sick and tired of waiting around for people to listen. Really. I give up.

This blog entry is going to be super negative, or will it be? I don't know. I have to make a disclaimer here though: Sien does listens and so does Shimin and Michelle. They're just not around most of the time and I don't blame them cause everyone's busy with their lives and I accept that. When I said no one's willing to listen, I meant those friends that call me up every single time they're in trouble but when I'm in need of a listening ear, they're not there.

Like vanishing creeps, much? What the fuck? You're here and then ba boom daz, you're gone? What happened to cherishing friendships? What happened to fucking friendships for Pete's sake? 

(Sidenote: I'm not referring to Elsie just in case she misunderstands.)

Yeah, back to my topic, what happened to fucking friendships? I get so upset when I remember all the things you used to say and suddenly it's like nothing. Like fucking nothing. Then don't make so many empty promises. Don't bother with your empty words. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of dishing out the same advice again and again okay? It's dumb if you're wasting my time and yours. If you need a listening ear, I'm here, but don't ask my fucking advice if you don't need it. You don't know how many times I've dropped everything on hand just to listen to you speak, just to brainstorm ideas for you to solve your situations or whatever mental crisis you're facing so don't treat that like it's nothing cause I fucking wasted those seconds of time for you.

I don't resent wasting time for you. Advising you has not been a waste of time for me but it turns to waste when you don't listen and you constantly ask the same shit again. Then, you're just wasting my time as much as yours. Stop asking me what can you do and just tell me you need to rant. I'll understand that better.

But you're gonna be oversensitive when you read this right? You're gonna interpret this as me 'not willing to listen'. Btw, if you think all the words above are referring to only one person then you'll damn wrong cause it's talking about more than one friend.

And to the friend who called me fucking heartless cause I supposedly didn't cry over the death of my fucking hamster, I don't even know what to say. You know me for so many months do you truly believe me to be such a person? Like what the living fuck do you expect for me to tell you via SMS? WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?

I'm tired of you to be honest. I love you as a friend and I forever will but have you noticed recently that you only contact me when your hamster/dog has a problem? The only time you didn't was asking me about my Langkawi trip. I'm grateful for that. I was HAPPY but suddenly baboomz, no contact again. WOW. Yeah. Super yeah. So thrilled. So damn happy. Thanks for making me feel damn fucking wanted.

And to many other 'weird' friends Sien likes to call them (in my opinion 'fucked up' is the word to go), fuck you. FUCK YOU. Like F.U.C.K. you. Cause you're a fucking waste of my time. You don't even appreciate my company. All you're searching for is benefits from me and the things I can do for you. Well, you ain't getting any shit. I'm tired of your acts or your pretense or your damn face. I've been through many friendships but I haven't learned a damn thing about letting go. You know what, I'm letting this fucking go. I'm ranting all my emotions here cause fuck being polite. Fuck everything else.

To Yilian, because I know you can take it I'll just type it here, this is just gonna be written once and once only:

I'm tired of reaching out to you. That's the truth. When I said I'll wait, I did wait but like that friend of yours, even I get tired of waiting. As much as I love the gift you gave me in Secondary Four, I'm starting to fear it now. Reading all the words and trying to comprehend our present state of friendship is mind-boggling. I don't even understand what is going on. What happened? You're hot then you're cold. You're BFFs then you're not. You ask me about Shimin, about Michelle and about Tingwei (sometimes). Well, you can ask them yourselves right? Like make an effort to contact them please.

I don't even tell you to make an effort to contact me. I don't even wanna try anymore. It's so freaking tiring of me to advise you and for you to not listen. I hope you've changed this time but I'm not placing any bets on it. When I told you I wouldn't leave, when I told you I love you, those words were true. I'll not leave and I still love you but the friendship's dying and this time, I'm not stretching out my hands to save it.

I'm past caring. You said that I was 'connecting with people every few minutes' but Yilian, imagine doing that everyday, won't you get tired if the person doesn't respond? Cause I'm tired. Like really tired. I have very bad PMS I know that. The tone of this post may be influenced by hormones but that doesn't mean it ain't true. All these emotions within me... I can't even express them properly cause I'm so fucking afraid I'll offend people. Yes. I don't care about offending normal human beings but when it's my friends I'm fucking vulnerable. GO FIGURE THAT OUT.

I'm just tired of this bullshit okay? I'm so tired I'm not even scheduling any meet ups with certain friends anymore. In all honesty, the people I would really like to hang out with are Shimin, Sien, Tingwei, Vivian and that's all. Not Elsie cause she's busy and I'm too tired to bother trying to squeeze a time slot out. Not Yilian, you, cause I tried with the hair cutting thing and it didn't work out that well. (Why else did you think I'll cut my hair at Jiaxin's salon? I'm not close to Jiaxin. I did it cause it's you.) Not Michelle cause she's in fucking China. Not Nelli cause I don't know what she's so busy with anyway. And not Carity and Stacy cause they live fucking far and I'm lazy to travel. Not Suuswen cause she has exams and I'm tired of travelling as mentioned.

More importantly, I don't want to hang out with people who don't really like hanging out with me. Period. I don't like hanging out with people whom I can't feel comfortable with either. I have so many so called friends but I don't feel comfortable with most of them it's making me feel like laughing. I only contact Tingwei on a daily basis now. I only bother to make contact with her cause she's there. For the rest, other than the ones I mentioned above (Sien, Shimin etc.), it's cause I don't feel comfortable talking to you.

If you don't know if I'm on good terms with you, just ask yourself this question: When was the last time I shared something about myself with you? Something really personal like my thoughts, my feelings and any other personal things along that line. If there isn't, well, it's highly likely that you're a friend I love but a friend not worth fighting for.

-ends rant-