saudade

Saudade (n)
1. A Portuguese and Galician word to describe a deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something or someone that one was fond of which has been lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing may never return.
2. A recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again.
i.e. the emptiness one feels when someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, resulting in a mixture of sad and happy feelings all together; sadness for missing it and happiness for having experienced the feeling before.

Sometimes, when English fails to describe the feelings I have right now, I seek other languages to place a word on my emotions. Finally, the search has ended and I have found the EXACT word to describe my current feelings: Saudade. Yes, indeed! It is saudade that I am feeling at the present.

It is the emptiness I feel as I look to the sky, staring at the clouds as I let time pass me by. It isn't sadness. It's just overwhelming emotions stacked on top of one another. Like how Wikipedia described it, it's the emptiness one feels when someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing. It's the loneliness I feel when I walk pass the places we used to hang out together, repressing the bitter laughter that chokes me from within as the tears stream down my face. It's a longing for something I can never have back; a set of happy memories stolen by time. A nostalgia so strong it makes me weak in the knees. A resigned sigh uttered when you realise that things have changed for good and they ain't coming back.

It hurts. Reading a Youtube comment by Tristen Smith, it all makes sense: 

In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.

Just like the carousel, it gives us the illusion of moving forward. You think the wounds have healed since you no longer see them with your eyes, but when the fanfare stops and the ride comes to a halt, you realise that nothing's changed and the pain remains the same. It's still a hard and constant force hammering away at your heart, breaking you down from inside...

It is saudade that drives people to commit suicide. All the broken promises and shattered memories... Those aren't sadness. It's despair. It's disappointment embroiled with resentment. It's madness and anger. Indeed, saudade should be a synonym for insanity for saudade will eventually drive one insane.

As Si En so explicitly states: Hope is scarier than despair.

Life is scarier than death. The possibility of happiness is what kills depressed people, not depression itself. It's never depression that kills.

Ending with a comment on Youtube that paints an excellent picture of life:

"I imagine sitting under a tree atop a nice, quiet hill as the sun is slowly setting, and the moon rising to take its place in the sky. The lighting produced by the once bright orb as it bows at the end of its daily performance is both stunning, and saddening, as it will be soon replaced by a sullen darkness which the lonely moon must now keep alight. 

In some ways, this represents and reminds me of the bonds between people, and how events in one's life can cause these bonds to undergo tension and stress, to the point of severing them, albeit only temporary and rash . The darkness that is left when the light has gone can be overwhelming for the moon, which represents each of us. We may be able to push on against this darkness that our losses surround us with, but no one is meant to go on like this forever. Fortunately, the sun will always rise up again, to bring back the warmth and brightness back to the world, just as the bonds we share with the people we hold dear will never simply disappear forever."

- Speedwagon_Corporation 

People on Youtube these days should just be poets. 

[._.]

Alright. I'm gonna go to bed now. Nighty nights.