These days, I just don't want to think anymore. The future isn't even bleak cause I've stopped thinking about it. Time ceases to exist. I just empty every single thought in my head and let it float around in the air. Flying...
Read a Youtube comment that I think made sense:
"I hate how mental disorders are romanticized in our society like depression, anxiety, anorexia etc,etc... I think that sad and depressed protagonists from all the books I read and movies I watched in my younger teens made me think it was cool to be mental, and so I started pretending to hate myself until I hated myself for real. I'm finding myself comparing myself to everyone, and I've stopped doing the things I really love. "
-Hrafnhildur Anna Francis
It's not cool to be mental but the way it's portrayed in society these days is implying otherwise. Even in fanfictions or stories I read, the ones that write of these issues usually end in the two protagonists falling in love with each other and just like that, depression is cured. Anorexia disappears. Bulimics stop binge eating again.
I find it ridiculous. Thanks to society, teenagers now think it's 'cool' and 'trendy' to be gay or be mental. Many people are identifying themselves in that way to gain popularity. That's not the way things are. If you're gay, you're gay. You don't try to be gay to be part of the cool crowd. You're lying to yourself and you'll end up hating yourself for real.
I won't lie. When I first started cutting, I did it out of awe. I never used it as a coping mechanism. To me, it was a way to connect with my friends. It was a thing we all did together. A bonding session, if you will.
Now? I regret every single second of it. What was thought of as cool at that time has now turned into torture. I hate it and I regret it. Even at work, I don't touch the penknife. The sight of it revolts me. I hate it for what I've become, yet I love it for the release it gives. It's a love-hate relationship. It's certainly not a healthy one. I'm not arguing about that. I've stopped speaking ages ago.
I wonder what does it say about me as a person that I actually prefer to live in my own head than to talk to people sometimes. It's easier being by myself. It's calming, soothing,.. Freedom expressed in self-love. Yeah, being by myself has always been a nice thing. I wonder why I decided to stop doing that hmm.
Sorry if I seem like I'm talking to myself. It happens a lot sometimes, especially when I let my mind wander.
The picture's like a summary of my everyday life. Yay.
A calming picture to calm everyone's tits down.
Bye~
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