positivity

"I wished you the best of all this world could give and I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive but I always thought you'd come back and tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery. It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me..."

-Labrinth, Jealous

Remember my previous entry on how I said I want to an inspirational person to others who struggle with the same problems as me? Well, guess what! I did it. Or rather, the person approached me of her own accord.

Avelin, she said, "I've seen what you shared on Facebook and this is really personal but I feel like I can share this with you..."

Then, she began her story about the sadness she's been feeling ever since she entered school. She told me she breaks down everyday. She can't wait to go home every time. School has become hell on earth for her. She feels like she's depressed. I heard it, and I smiled at her. I told her it's normal then I told my courage to be with me as I slowly began telling her my story.

It is difficult telling someone who isn't of my past about my cutting. I never really knew how tough it was until I tried sharing it with Avelin today. It wasn't that it brought back bad memories or anything like that. It was just sad and it upset me because I could see myself living through all those mistakes again. I could see where it all went wrong in my life. I could see the triggers, the starting of this 'depression' and I could see how it slipped through the cracks in others' eyes. That just filled me up with so much fury because I know, I just know that somewhere out there, the same thing is happening to another person and she's suffering in silence because she doesn't know how to name her feelings, because she can't put a word to them and no one would help her.

It makes me feel so helpless because I see this depression demon just sucking out the lives of people whom I love and care for and wreck havoc on their lives as they please. It sucks because as much as I want to push for my friends to be diagnosed, I know that that's akin to a death sentence here. You lose your rice bowl. You lose everything you've ever own; your identity, your reputation and your independance. How can I knowingly push someone for treatment when I know to them it's more of a condemnation?

In this way, I'm thankful for whatever I've experienced. When I think of the camaraderie I have with others suffering from these mental disorders and when I think of the new found love and appreciation I have for happiness, sometimes, I convince myself that this is for the better good. Because of all these emotions I feel, I'm able to help others who feel the same as me.

Perhaps this is just my positivity showing.

And Nelli, thank you for your blog post. It was really sweet but I just want to clarify that my conflict does not stem from my religion as much as you think. I have been a Christian my entire life and I strongly believe in it but I don't take every word my pastor says as the gospel either. The Bible is one huge literature text. How you interpret it differs from church to church. Some days, I believe God is merciful. Other days, I think of Him as a just and unforgiving one. I guess I just wanted to say that religion doesn't fuck me up. My fucked up mind fucks religion up. Thank you for your blog post, all the same, it was really nice and sweet. Thank you.

Alright. I'm gonna end this entry here. Have a nice week y'all and if you don't, well, hang on~