imma old woman

In a day's time, I'm gonna be twenty years old. I'm hitting the big '2' in my age. I'm gonna officially not be an adult anymore. Even right now, thinking about it fills me with trepidation. I'm not anxious for myself in an odd sort of way, but rather afraid for the world now because it has me in it haha. I'm a horrible teenager to deal with, you know, so the world really has got to up its game now that they're dealing with adult me! (:

I won't lie. I'm not all cheerful and bubbly as I expect to be. I really hope sometimes that I'm not that depressive and emo, you know? I feel like it killed some of my humour away. I used to be so positive about life and now that's all gone and that makes me kinda sad. Of course, I won't give up. I'll persevere through this and kick its butt all the way to outer space but there are still times where I stumble and fall. Those times are the worst. Everything just feels so hopeless, so bleak and so overwhelming. Temptations strike the hardest then and I make the most foolish mistakes when reason leaves me. It's really difficult sometimes to think back on those times and accept that I've made the horrible choices that I've made. I have a resulting scar now that's never gonna go away. Every time I strip naked in the shower, I see it, and it is so off putting on my body. I feel alienated from it and despise it so much.

I think it's good that those things happen though, cause thinking back, I really took a lot of things for granted huh? It's been 20 years living on this Earth and I can truthfully say I've grown a lot. I've come to understand myself so much better and accept myself so much more. There are still many things I hate about myself but I've grown out of the habit of comparing myself with others. It isn't that I've gotten a sudden boost in my self-esteem or anything like that. It was a tiring process. I struggled through my thoughts and ultimately, I won them. Every day, I remind myself of that fact. I've triumphed and I will continue to triumph over them. I refuse to do anything but get better, because I have so many people who care for me and love me.

Sorry. Today's blog post is going to be super mushy. I just really want to get it out there, you know? I'm sorry if I send shivers up your spine. *blushes* I just want this people to know that they've really changed my life around.

I've changed my mind. My brain died on me. I can't type enough words to thank all of you. Just know that I really really love you okay? :) All of you. 

Alright I've gotta go. I lost my dorm key omg! Not the key to my room but the key to my mailbox. HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA GET IT BACK SHIT.

*panic*