be brave

I really shouldn't be blogging at this time God knows it's late and I haven't completed my draft for tomorrow's assignment but if today's entry serves in any way as a form of inspiration to you guys then that is really enough for me.

Alright, I probably shouldn't be so big-headed and say that this post is gonna be inspirational cause it ain't but I thought I'll just throw a little personal flair of my emotions to it, yeah? 

Recently, I've really been challenging myself to be open about my struggles and to share them with others. Avelin said it helped her and I'm sure it helped Nelli too. So in this regard, I'm forcing the introvert in me to speak out. I don't want to keep secrets from others because of my cowardice. I'm ready to acknowledge myself for the mistakes I've made. It's time I confessed.

What sparked this random train of thoughts, you may ask? Well, it all begun when I spotted a quote on the Facebook page of To Write Love On Her Arms , that struck a chord in my heart.

The quote is this: "Your struggles do not define your identity."

I let the silence stay for a while, and counted the breaths I took in as I closed my eyes. 

Then, I said it once, "My struggles do not define my identity."

I let the words sink in, opened my eyes, and repeated the exercise again. I repeated the quote about five times before I finally allowed myself to stop. And I stopped not because I felt I understand it, but because I could never understand it.

My struggles do not define my identity, yes, but somehow, I've allowed these struggles to be the essence of my identity. I'm not Amelia, daughter of her mother and father, but rather Amelia, a self-harming addict who proclaims she's a Christian.

And even as I feel the sadness invading my heart again, I can raise no words of objections. It's been too long. I can barely remember the self I've had before this. Self-harming has influenced me so much that I can't find who I was before this all begun. I'm left with muted sounds and fading memories. I'm left with nothing.

So today, I quieted my heart and I sat alone, thinking about this issue that weighed heavily on my heart. I closed my eyes and I tried to recall. Reminiscing, perhaps, and remembering a girl that I once was; a girl that died because of me.

It's tough, admitting that I've lived a really blessed life, and I have no reason for the emotions I'm feeling now. Maybe that's why I keep blaming myself for it. I cannot see why I'm sad, I just know I am, and I have to find the reason behind this behaviour of mine and confront that demon in me.

I know, it all does seem so horribly simple, does it? But trust me on this, it isn't. Doing self soul-searching has always been terribly draining for me. I don't like to admit the emotions I feel, particularly those of anguish and hurt. Those feelings have no basis of reasoning and I've left breathing with a sense of emptiness that echoes the void I feel.

So, why do I cut?

I've said it before that it's because I desire control, and while that's not a lie, I don't think it's the true reason behind it either. Perhaps, some part of me dreads the things I'll find buried within me. The ghosts, the demons, the farce I have to uphold... I think I'm just avoiding the question. I don't want to answer it because I'm afraid and I'll do anything in my power to make it go away.

"I don't want to try anymore. Leave me alone, please."

I avoid everything that will bring me back to that moment of fear. I'm childish, I know, I'm just an escapist who doesn't want to face her problems, and that is the worst part of me that I detest the most. It's not the shame that weighs me down. It's the absurdity that some part of me still thinks that it's alright to keep doing what I do if only I can escape this unexplainable fear that grips my soul. Clearly, my attempts at reasoning are whacked, but that's okay because I'm not harming anyone but myself.

And I'm super okay with that.

I touched my new scar lately. I felt the pink puckered skin and the dark edges pulling at the wound. The wound was deeper than I expected. I didn't think a scar would stay with me but I guess one company is better than none.

For some reason, this scar bothers me really badly. It's the ugliest scar I feel I have on my body. It makes me cringe and I feel guilty everytime I lay hands on it. It reminds me of a broken heart and a disappointed friend. I guess it's because it is a reminder that I've failed my promise, huh? Haha. That really sucks.

On the other hand, a scar is formed to seal a open gaping wound, much rather like the emotional hurts in our lives getting resolved by love.

If that is the case, then a scar can be seen as a love that is unrestricted by time and space, a new beginning tthat's in contrast to the dark chapter that was once in our lives, and a revolutionary change that is willing to happen, if only we allow it to begin.

I'm writing this because I know many people out there struggle with this as much as I do. While it's common to think of Nelli as my only friend who suffers from this, I know it's not true and I believe that some of you struggle through the same things as me as well.

The past hurts traumatise us, yes, but we, to some degree, allow it to happen because we think we deserve it or we think if we avoid them, they will go away.

"But they never will go away if we don't learn to work through them and live."

I told my sister this two nights before: there is no point reasoning or justifying your emotions because your emotions have NO reason and rationality.

Stop putting yourself down because you feel a certain feeling and you think you have no right to feel so. You are entitled to your feelings because you are a human and you feel.

But stop letting these emotions take control of you. You are better than your emotions. You are not a host of your body. You are its master. Take control of it and if postivity fails you at the moment, then please, learn to be brave.

"With great adversity comes great maturity."

Be brave that you can do it, not because you think you can do it, but because you know others know that you can do it.

Have a great day ahead!