letter to Shimin

words of rebuke

always fell past your lips,

and with a stern face,

you pushed me to accept the pain,

and I hated you for it.

but today I realised,

perhaps you were hurting more,

knowing that I had to hurt 

in order to learn,

knowing that my pain 

was needed for my growth,

and there was absolutely nothing 

you could do to help me but watch,

so thank you, 

for pushing me forward,

for embracing my pain as it was yours,

for being there for me every step of the way,

thank you.

I know I couldn't have done it without you.

- acsx

Today's post is going to be an emotional one, and I'm gonna dedicate it to a special person haha. Take it as an early birthday message okay, Shi Min? Because the paper on your card is too small for me to write everything on it. (The above poem is for you by the way. :'))

I know we've been through many quarrels and most of those fights were centred on me being a huge dick because I refused to accept that those I once considered my friends were anything but innocent, and I am so thankful and grateful to you because you never failed to correct my thinkings, and rebuke me in the name of love. You knew I was foolish because I did not want to believe. You knew I was living in denial but no matter how painful it got for me, you insisted on snapping me out of my delusions.

I won't lie, I really hated you for it. I really didn't want to let go of my fantasies. I really didn't want to be a 'fool', but I was, wasn't I? Hurt so many damn fucking times I can't even begin to count. Yet, for some reason, you never did let me go. Despite having had it all with my stupidity and naivety, you never left even when you said you would. I remembered asking you once why didn't you, and you replied you had no clue either. Perhaps this is the beauty of our friendship isn't it? It defies all rationality.

I'm sorry. I hurt you, didn't I? Yet, you never did admit it. I thought about it and as I was hearing you complain about your friend Zi Jing, I realised quite abruptly that I was once like her, believing and trusting in the wrong friend, and like her, you could only watch on helplessly as she hurt from the pain of the wounds that stupid "friend" has caused her. I just suddenly got it, you know? How dumb I was, how much it must have hurt to see me getting hurt by the same person over and over again because I was too stupid to see it.

But you know, you're right. Sometimes, it's really tough. You really don't want to admit facts. You don't want to let go of the past. Some part of me clings onto it so tight I feel like it's choking me. I don't want to let go. I don't want it to go away. How can it all be an illusion? How can it be that the entire friendship is a lie? How can it be that I'm the fool I always was?

I really don't want it to go, you know? I think you know it more than me. I always get attached too easily huh? It's so fucking pathetic. In the end, I was the one getting hurt. In the end, I was the one broken down into pieces.

And you never did leave me. You saw me there, finally disillusioned by my beliefs, finally admitting that you were right, and they were never the friends they said they were to me, but still you didn't leave me alone. You had the perfect chance to gloat over my stupidity, but you didn't. You saw the barely concealed pain in my eyes and without a word, you just listened to me as I ranted and cried. I've always wondered why but I didn't dare ask. If you had left, I would have understood. Just like Si En. I don't know how you both chose to stay despite everything but you did, and everyday I thank God for that.

I wouldn't have gotten over this as quickly as I could if I didn't have you. Although you're not physically there with me, I know, you're always worrying over me, so thank you. When I was at my weakest, you encouraged me. I don't know what else to say but just know that I will do the same for you. These past 10 years of knowing you has really been the best years in my life. You taught me a lot of things you know? Hell, you taught me how to cycle. You're like my twin sister sometimes, an evil twin sister. *laughs*

Happy early birthday dear, you're the precious gem in my life and I know you'll continue to sparkle bright and shine like a diamond. :')

Stay beautiful and happy always. :')

Loves
Amelia