apologies

"I built a house of sin and I still live in it."

- A.A (via. Onetrackheart)

I cannot blog without it sounding like an emo entry so forgive me if it sounds like one. I'm trying to you know, look at the bright side of life but I can't really and it sucks cause my life is probably better than many others in the world. I'm sorry for being so ungrateful then. I just need time to see the good in my life I guess?

I'm sorry. I'm gonna start off this entry with apologies cause I don't know how to start the blog entry otherwise. Sorry if sorry sounds repetitive in this entry. Sorry defines my life these days. I'm just living in a house built of sin with apologies painting its walls and faith locked in a treasure chest deep down in the basement below.

Shit. I forgot what I wanted to blog about. I'm sorry. I lose my train of thoughts these days. I'm struggling. I don't know which thoughts to put down and which thoughts to not even entertain. I don't want to say really morbid things, you know? Those are not my intentions at all. I just want to say enough that you understand, or hopefully can even speak sense to my life haha.

I don't know. I feel like I have so many thoughts in me if I don't pen them down they'll come bursting forth from me in the most horrible way possible and I'll end up hurting people I don't want to hurt and it sucks so I'm sorry, I'm gonna save those hurtful words for here. Leave if you're in a fragile state of mind or if you don't want to deal with anymore teenage angst cause that's what this is about.

I'm sorry. I can't get through this entry, can I? I can't even speak to people these days without hurting them. I was chatting with Si En recently that friendships are either an obligation or a commitment to me. Obligation means I'm putting in effort for the sake of its appearance while commitment is me wanting the friendship to really work, but Si En brought up a really good point too: To what extent is it a healthy friendship if both parties have to try so hard for it work?

And it just got me really thinking about it, you know? Not just about friendships but about family relationships as well. What's the line that divides "sufficient effort" and "too much effort" in a friendship? I don't want any of my friendships to vanish but even I can admit that my friendships are slowly all falling apart.

I used to talk to Ting Wei all the time but these days we're scrambling for topics to talk about and it hurts me as much as it hurts her because we both recognise this divide in our friendship that we didn't see before. We both don't know what happened but we both know we still wanna be good friends you know? We still want to be close as before. We just don't know what the fuck happened.

That's what makes it fucking sucks. These 'distances' just drop outta nowhere. They destroy relationships and bring immeasurable pain to both parties. They kill us from the inside out and we can't do a thing to stop them.

Sometimes, I just think that's a horrible byproduct of human nature you know? We crave companionship as much as we crave social distance. We're just a bunch of contradictory dicks. I can't make up my mind what we actually are. Maybe we're the aliens in this world. Maybe we just don't belong here.

I'm sorry. I did not mean to insinuate that we are all foreign organisms living in this planet. We may very well be "human", whatever that word means. I don't know anymore.

This "distance" is driving me insane. "Distance" from self, "distance" from family, "distance" from friends... I just don't want to live in this world anymore. The world my head imagines it to be. Believe me when I say pessimistic people do not want to remain pessimistic forever. They just don't see a way out, like me.

By the way, let me just clarify this, I'm fine as of now. Like fine fine. I know, this doesn't sound convincing at all. All I'm saying is that I'm fine to live, fine to pretend so I'm not that fucked up in the mind as you might think. I'm still breathing.

So don't go worrying about my sorry ass okay? Take the time to do other important things. Alright. I'm ending this weird ass entry here. I love you guys. Nights.

"Always keep the faith."