thankful

It's so weird sometimes how the strongest of revelations only hit me at night. You know, I always praise about the friends in my life, but today I just thought: Thank God I have Ting Wei in my life.

It's so weird because I don't normally credit her. I feel like every single time, I'm always thanking Michelle or Si En etc. Don't get me wrong. Michelle and Si En deserve to be thanked. I just feel like I don't give Ting Wei enough credit. She was/is the only one I feel that I share most of my darkest and deepest secrets.

Sometimes when I think about life and its fragility or when I even think of cutting or committing suicide, I always share these/those thoughts with her. In many ways, I feel indebted to her. She was/is there for me at my darkest. I feel like sometimes I'm not there enough for her. I feel guilty too. She always see me making beautiful cards for others but when it comes to her birthdays, it's always done in a rush. She never really received a proper gift from me and for that, I just feel really sad about it.

I feel like it's these little things that really matter in a friendship sometimes. Although Ting Wei never really says it, I know she feels insecure about our friendship. Hell, a lot of my friends probably feel the same way. In others' eyes, I have many friends but to me, I don't.

Each and every one of my friends are special to me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how I fit everyone in my life too but really it's the truth. I really love each and every one of you equally. (with the exceptions of some oops).

And I know she thinks I will make new friends in university so she's insecure about me leaving her or whatever thoughts that goes on in her mind and I just want to, you know, tell her that she matters to me more than she thinks she does.

It's the little actions she does that really touches me. When I went with her to the library recently, I was browsing through the non fiction section when I picked up a book regarding suicide. I feel bad for laughing now that I'm recalling this memory but her eyes literally went wide open when she saw the title of the book I was holding in my hands. Her face was screaming, "Get the hell away from that book, you insane woman!" while her words were like, "Why are you reading that book?"

It just sends warm fuzzy feelings into my heart, you know. She cares about my welfare more than me sometimes. I especially love how I can just text her randomly and be like, "I wanna rant." and she replies me immediately without a second's wait.

I can literally tell her I wanna die sometimes and she doesn't judge me for it. In fact, here's a little snippet from our conversations:

29 March 2014

Me: Sometimes I wonder if it's worth to have so many attachments to the world? It's harder to cut off this way. My poly clique, my secondary school clique and everything else... Like I'll just go to the whatsapp chat and say I don't want to meet up with them. I'll ignore them. Tell them I hate everyone and tell everyone to leave me alone. Then, I'll stop talking to humans. I'll make animals my only friends. I don't want to meet with anyone. No one. Maybe with you. Ha. And now they're asking me if I'm ok. Of course I am.

Ting Wei: YA OF COURSE. WHAT A BRIGHT SUNNY DAY. LOOK HOW HAPPY THE WORLD IS. *spams emoji*

The transparency between us just really makes me feel very comfortable and thankful. I know I can share everything with her. I remember that one time I was quite affected by one of Nelli's post so I talked to her about it. For someone who didn't know what to say, she said the exact words I feel I needed to hear:

13 July 2014

Me: I'm not so smart de.

Ting Wei: Hardworkingggg in some ways ok. Hahahah.

Me: Idk eh. It seems like all my friends all have some niches you know? Si En good in drawing. Nena damn successful. Shi Min going overseas. Yi Lian got judo, piano and violin etc. Michelle gpa although same as me she's smarter than me in bio, and look at her love life la, less pathetic than mine, Then, aiya, Elsie also studying linguistics.

Everyone getting more and more accomplished. I'm the only one stuck at the same place. When the church person ask me where do I see myself in the future I said I don't know. Cause I really don't know sia.

And I feel like the more I hang out with my poly clique, the less happy I become. I feel lonely hanging out with them. Feel like we don't understand each other at all. Feel like whatever they're happy about is not what I'm happy about.

I hung out with Nelli last friday and it was fun but kinda heartbreaking at the same time. She's slipping further into depression and everyone is telling her to get professional help but she doesn't wanna listen cause she's afraid of admitting it to herself and I'm worried everyday I'll wake up to find her dead cause she's so rash when she's so upset and I'm just so annoyed ya know? So damn upset.

And of course there's you and me and we're just sinking and dying and going crazy.

Ting Wei: Ok just finished reading. Ya everyone is progressing and I don't even know my value in society. And omg your friend, *insert sad emoji* sighs. *insert sad emoji*

Me: Yeah sia Idk what to say to hr alr. That's why I wrote in my blog... is that how you feel back when I was siao siao in sec 4? But at least I didn't wanna kill myself. Sure I've thought about it before but that was in poly not in sec school. Sighs.

Ting Wei: IN POLY?

Me; Yeah in poly.

Ting Wei: Actually I think hor. Everyone at some point in their lives got think of dying before heh. Last time I also got think before hahah.

Me: Yeah but whether you will have the 'courage' to do it is another question.

Ting Wei: Ya la. Just thinking. 

:')

It just feels so comforting haha. Reading back my past whatsapp messages with her it really just makes me so damn thankful for her. I can fairly say at this point of my life that if it was not for her, I probably would have done something very stupid and regret it for the rest of my life.

Thank you Ting Wei, you've really helped me a lot. :'))

I'm gonna end off this blog post with a conversation with Si En I had yesterday that made me think of something.

She said she stopped confronting the bullies who bullied her friends when her friends turned out to betray her in the end.

Maybe it's just me being delusional but I felt like she was feeling a little sad as she was saying it..?

Anyway, background story:

I was sharing with her about the infamous Jovin incident. I thought Jovin and I were best buds until I overheard her and Aik Kein bitching about me while I was in the toilet. Yes, it was the classic bitch scene with me hiding in my cubicle while they were bitching about me as they washed their hands.

I didn't confront Jovin. I didn't dare to scold her or even fight her. In my heart, all I thought was this: Maybe she's right. Maybe deep down, no one wants to be my friend. It's like in that instant, I found myself so repelling I hated myself so damn fucking much.

I escaped from the toilet. Headed back to the school hall cause we had fucking NAPFA back then. Si En knew what happened. Hard for me not to tell her when tears were literally streaming down my face. Everyone assumed I cried because of sit and reach, (I failed that damn shit station) but I cried because that last piece of innocence that I once held in me just shattered into a million pieces.

In any case, it's the first time Si En saw me cried and she kinda didn't know how to react to it. I don't know how to react to people crying too so I totally understand her. She didn't say much but she did say this: It's not worth wasting your tears on her.

And it worked. I stopped crying cause fuck that bitch she ain't worth my life man.

But as Si En shared about her past, it struck me that perhaps, if this incident happened in her primary school, Si En would have confronted Jovin for my sake and get even with her. I know it seems crazy but suddenly, I was so thankful that that didn't happen. 

'Cause you know something: your friends aren't supposed to conquer your demons for you. No one can stand up to the giants in your lives but yourself. The only thing that friends can do for you is to be there with you as the shitstorm's brewing in your life.

And I'm thankful as hell that I've got many friends for that.

:')