I don't know what the fuck do I do with myself anymore. It's like I'm sinking into this spiral of sadness and anger all at once and I'm struggling to keep myself afloat once again. I try to hang out with my friends more often. I try to plaster that damn smile on my face but it just feels so exhausting sometimes I wonder why I'm even trying.
I like the irony of my life sometimes. I give Nelli the best advice (if you don’t kill yourself today, you’re giving yourself courage to live for tomorrow) but I don't even heed my own advice. I tell her to keep fighting but here I am, giving up on myself again.
Sometimes, I wonder how it is that I can still be friends with others when I'm like this. Aren't my friends sick and tired of my nonsense already? I feel so damn tired of myself all the time. Whining about my past, harping on things that has already happened and cannot be changed... Can I be even more hateful than this? Shi Min says I don't push myself enough. I agree with her. I don't push myself enough. I don't even push myself at all.
Reading about depression somehow makes me even more sad because it forces me to confront the fact that something's wrong with me somewhere and it sucks. I feel like I'm grasping at straws sometimes. I'm struggling in this world of confusion and trying but failing to deny all the symptoms that are presented to me on a silver platter.
I don't want to be sad anymore. I feel like I'm struggling between sadness and anger all the time. I'm finally getting better god damn it. Why the fuck is this 'relapsing' back into my life? I don't need this self pity party now. I don't need this at all.
when I reached home today, I was feeling okay but then I was suicidal at the same time, it’s a very conflicting feeling because I don’t feel sad enough to kill myself but I wanna kill myself anyway. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to face life anymore. I’m not sure how to kill myself.
Where the fuck are my feelings?
*Close my eyes*
*Tries to get a grip on life*
*Fails terribly*
*Opens my eyes*
*I am still here*
Amelia: If you don’t kill yourself today, you’re giving yourself courage to live for tomorrow.
Right, courage to live tomorrow.
I am going to be brave I am going to be brave I am going to be…
*Breathes deeply*
*Tears threaten to fall**Cmon please fall**They don’t fall**Looks at my feet in disappointment*
*They didn’t fall…*
I took the above from Nelli's blog. Reading her blog makes me sad, to be honest. I think it's because I can understand some of the thoughts that run through her head and it upsets me because I know how terrible it feels and how lonely the battle is with your mind. It upsets me more because she brings the thoughts that I've been avoiding daily to the forefront of my mind.*What am I gonna do?*
She has frequent conversations with herself. Truth to be told, I have too. Mine runs differently from hers though. Mine's a little more... cowardly.
"Look at you being oversensitive again. Why are you constantly overthinking things? Why can't you let it go?"
"Shut up. It's not like I want to feel this way. I'm trying to get rid of this unnecessary feelings. I don't need your useless input!"
"Oh really? You're trying? Then, why do I catch you staring at the building across the street? Why do you hesitate as you cross the road? Why are you even thinking of stopping when you see a car? If you're really trying then why do you still have these thoughts?"
"Shut up. I'm trying, but it doesn't mean I'm successful. It's normal to have thoughts like this once in a while. Everyone is suicidal once in their lives."
"You keep telling yourself that and maybe one day you'll believe in it."
"It's the truth. I don't need to doubt it. Why are you constantly questioning me anyway?"
"Because I'm me and you're you. You can lie to yourself all you want but you know that the dark thoughts aren't going away; they're here to stay."
"Shut up! I'm done with this. I've recovered. I've stopped thinking of committing suicide. Stop putting thoughts into my brain. I'm over this."
"But you're not. The thoughts that you have right now are the byproducts of your own imagination. No one put those thoughts in your head. You did."
And that's how a typical conversation in my mind goes. It's basically me screaming at the darker side of me to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Ha. As if it'll ever do that. How can it leave me alone when it's essentially me? It's a part of my own identity. It's the shameful part of me I wish didn't exist. It's me.
A few days ago, Carity texted me. She said she missed me since we haven't met up in a while. Instead of replying her that I missed her too, I made a joke out of it and ignored subsequent text messages. I don't know why I did that either. I wish I could tell her I miss her, but I felt like it would be lying on my part. It's not that I don't miss her either. I just don't know if I miss her as the current friend she is to me or I miss her as the friend she used to be for me.
Or am I simply just missing the past friendships I used to have when I was a better version of me?
It's been a while since I've said I missed someone. The last person I said that to is probably Ting Wei. I miss her though. I miss talking to her, I miss everything about the past. I miss me. I miss happiness. I miss so many things in my life I never knew were so damn important until this stupid thing took everything away from me.
I'm so angry at myself. I hate that I'm feeling this way. I feel so ungrateful. I have everything I can possibly want so why am I still feeling this way? I stepped into my dorm and I actually feel comforted by the lack of human company. I deserve it, some part of me mumbles to my brain, I may as well get used to it. I won't have friends forever. I don't think I can hold on to so many at this rate I'm going anyway. I feel like I'm on a train to self-destruction. Nothing's stopping me now. Not even the life surrounding me can take away the death I have inside of me.
I like how ironic my thoughts can be. I look at the beautiful campus that NTU is. I marvel at its scenery and tell others it's the perfect place to be but in my heart, I'm thinking of a billion ways to kill myself and the fastest way to do so.
I love myself so damn much for this;
Lying to myself that I'm recovering when in fact, I'm just slipping further away.
I wonder when will the time come when I finally stop telling my thoughts to 'shut the fuck up' and let them take me away instead.
"If you don't kill yourself today, you're giving yourself courage to live for tomorrow."
"Oh, please don't be so naive. If you don't kill yourself today, you're just postponing the battle for tomorrow."
There's nothing inspirational about my thoughts. I'm sorry for being like this again. I'll try hard to break free again. At least I'm still fighting yeah?
aktf.
No comments:
Post a Comment