emooooo

Aren't there times when you just wake up feeling sad, useless and just an entire waste of space? Aren't those the times when you wake up feeling like everything is lost, like everything will never ever be okay and you're just a burden to everyone around you? Don't you get those days when you're wondering what on Earth you're doing with your life? You want progress. You want success but you're afraid and fear is holding you back. You want to take a chance but luck has never been on your side. You're scared shitless but you can't do anything nor can you say anything. The darkness creeps in and steals your soul away. You're left struggling and gasping for air. What is life? In this constant circle of life that we live in, what exactly is the meaning of life? 

There's how I feel whenever I try to figure out what the hell it is that I want for my future. Everything is so scary. Where does one go to after graduation? My grades aren't good enough for a university. My skills aren't good enough either. Where do I go from now on? I can't even bring myself to study, can't even bring myself to do anything let alone write. Actually, I can write. I'm just afraid to. Everything I write now are character death fics. That's why they're not published. I don't want my readers nor subscribers to feel sad. :( 

But what do I do? I feel so guilty whenever I see a new subscriber to my fic The Phone Call. In all honesty, I've lost the motivation to continue that fic ages ago. I know how I want it to end, I know the plot and everything but for some reason the words just don't flow through and I'm just left feeling more frustrated than before. I hate that I screwed this whole writing thing up for myself cause God knows I really do love writing. It's part of me. I don't want to ever stop writing. 

Yet, I've stopped. 

 I just don't know what I want in life any more. Everything is just so damn confusing. :( doesn't help that I'm quarrelling with some friends of mine either. Or that I have a crush who is in the same clique and same class as me. I did confess to him before and he did say he would give me an answer. But, there was none... 

SIGHS. Why don't I have an inborn talent or a natural affinity for something? Am I really that dumb? Why? 

Why is that I won't excel in anything? It's so infuriating. It's like wtf. Can't I just be slightly good at something? :( 

I hate this feeling the most yet I'm always stuck with this feeling at night. 

My blog posts vary between extreme happiness and sadness. I'm probably weird this way. I hate myself for not studying. Asshole. Why you so dumb le still don't wanna study? You dumb shite! >= 

 Fucking useless and waste of space. -.- 

其实我很想挽留我们之间的这份友谊。不只是因为我们曾经拥有过的回忆, 不仅仅是因为那样而已。除了回忆, 更重要的是彼此之间的爱与关怀, 不是吗? 我一度跟自己说自己完全不在乎你的感受但我心底却止不住涌上的担心与关怀。我明明知道自己在撒谎, 全是假的, 却又不受控制地自欺欺人, 欺骗自己的心 。为什么人这么傻呐? 唉。我很累。怎么办? 我真的很累。你跟我一样珍惜这份感情吗? 因为你给我的感觉可不是哦。难道都是我一廂情愿吗? 

 我很想你。

 想我们之间曾度过的时光。 

 ...回来好吗?