For Yilian and Elsie, they've already graduated from college, all they need is to get into a university now. But for us poly students, it's still a hard feeling to get used to huh? We all are gonna graduate soon! In a few months time, we won't be students anymore. Rather, we'll be the working adults we've always dreamed of. Unbelievable huh?
I still can't believe it myself. Time seems to fly by so quickly. I once read on Twitter. If a friendship lasts beyond 7 years, it will last forever. Pity, isn't it? I didn't think much about that phrase at first but these days, I've been thinking about it. It's really true man. 7 years... Many of my friendships haven't even hit beyond 7 years yet, they're already crumbling apart.
I don't blame them though. We're all changing. I've changed. Maybe they can't accept the new me, or maybe they just don't want to carry on this friendship we have. I'm fine with that. I'm no longer as passionate about friendship as I once was. Somehow, along the way, I've given up. My ideals of friendship have been completely destroyed.
These days, I can't even face my reflection in the mirror. I've been backstabbing some of the people I call 'friends'. This disgusts me. I want to break free of this cycle yet somehow I can't. Where is the girl in Secondary School? Has she died? The 'me' who once would do anything to defend her friends, the 'me' who once would do all that she could to help her friends, where is she?
I've cheapened the own value of my friendships. Is this how growing up is supposed to feel like? I feel like I'm losing some of my friends. I feel like I'm losing myself. I look back at my past blog entries and I can't even the recognise the 'me' in there. Is this feeling normal or am I just going bat shit crazy?
Term tests are in two weeks time and I can't even bring myself to give two fucks about it. I've really changed. In first year, no matter what happened, I would try and give my best to scoring well on examinations, now, I've given up on myself. Before I even sit for the test, I've already given up. Someone tell me, how does one get out of this cycle of self-pity?
I'm supposed to be more mature. I'm supposed to be better than this. Yet, I can't help the words that leave my mouth. Words that I should never have said. Actions that should never have been done. Why am I being like this? Why am I changing into someone I don't know even more?
I used to look forward to the future. I used to be really excited. Change was my best bud before, but what changed? What the hell is wrong with me? I said that I wouldn't badmouth my friends, but if that's the case, then what am I doing to Sheryl and Grace? Are they still my friends? If they are, I should stop this behaviour. If they're not, I should make things clear with them. Why am I leaving them hanging? Why am I torturing myself over this?
Perhaps I should be more honest with my feelings, but how can I do that? Knowing my feelings will hurt the other party.. Under such circumstances, is one supposed to say the truth? What defines truth then? What is the line between a white lie and an outright one? Who puts those lines there then?
Recently, I've been so confused. I don't know who I trust anymore. I don't know if you're reading this blog but if you are, I supposed you won't think I'm referring to you huh? You, my friend, are either too ignorant or stuck in self-denial like me. Can't you see the friendship crumbling between us? Can't you see that no matter how hard we try we can't bring us back to where we were before?
I once advised one of my Cassie friend, Grace when she lost a friend: Think of it this way, some friends are destined to be a moment in your life while others are meant to be there forever.
So, is this the end? Are you really just a moment in my life? I keep asking myself: Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to end all this? Yet, something in me tells me, this is not an ending. This is a resolution. I can't even trust you anymore. I can't even trust you, how can I call you my friend? How can I?
I hate these feelings. I wish they will go away. I don't know why it matters to me so much too. Why does it bother me so much? So what if you aren't my friends? So what if we both are never friends again? So what? So fucking what...
我很累了。总是要假装自己很快乐。。。
其实你根本没有把我当成朋友看待吧。不管我怎么想说服自己，我不得不承认。我们之间已经连陌生人都不如了不是吗？我们已经什么都不是了。。。
什么都不是了。
My friendships are failing, my grades are slipping, my morales are changing...
What am I becoming?
"There's no sense, the fire burns
When wisdom fails, it changes all
The wheel embodies all that keeps on turning"- Within Temptation, Paradise
Somehow it summarises my feelings pretty well. HAHAHAHA.
Hahaha.
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