UPDATE!

Yo peeps. It's been a long time since I last updated huh? :) I realised that I've not updated you guys much about my life ha. Anyway, my trip to China because of my China Studies module has been confirmed. I'll be in China from 9/9 - 23/9. It's about 3 weeks in total. Totally not looking forward to it.

For starters, Google, Twitter and Facebook are banned in China. Worried me then asked my friend Celeste what did they have in China. She told me, "Whatsapp, Skype, QQ and Weibo." Okay. Whatsapp and Skype are excellent but QQ and Weibo? Nobody uses that in Singapore except for Devi they all, I think. How the hell am I supposed to contact my friends and family?

So so reluctant to go China now. It's not like my Chinese is fantastic either. *le sighs* Why did I even take this module? :( Actions really have consequences man. I'm suffering from my own choices, pabo me! I need to grow more brain cells seriously. :(

Was having dinner with Michelle, Yilian and Shimin last thursday and Shimin commented why I went to NYP and visit Sien and didn't look for her. I told her it's because Sien was kinda lonely before but she said it's just excuses. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Maybe I'm biased I don't care. I just feel like you have your own poly clique, why will I want to disturb you?

But she's right about one thing though, I really don't organise meet ups with her. :X I don't know why too. I just.. don't? Haha. GO figure me out. I guess distance really just builds insecurities. I mean I don't have trust issues, that's for sure, but I don't exactly see myself being important in Shimin's life anyway, to be honest. We don't talk much after we entered poly don't we? We only talk after we meet up.

Yet, after talking with her under her flat, I realised this: Friends are irreplaceable. I'm so dumb to have not realised this. -.- I keep thinking if my present friends have found new friends, then I don't need to really "shower" them with attention anymore. Hence, the coldness radiating from me. I'm just plain stupid. Yes I know. LOL.

Recently I was talking to Tingwei and she was telling me that her mood can suddenly plunge from neutral to extremely sad and lonely. I agree with her. My mood swings these days are terrible too. It isn't like anything's bothering me or anything. In fact, my life's pretty smooth sailing now. It's just.. I don't know. Don't you get a rather helpless feeling when you're watching your friend in pain but you can't do anything to help?

Okay. She's not in physical pain but emotional pain I would say, and there's NOTHING I can do to help. I can't stop bad things from happening to her. I can't make good things happen to her. I can't do a single thing. Even when she's crying, I don't know how to utter words of comfort. I can't even hug her or touch her cause I detest physical contact. Way to go man, Amelia. Way to go~

And just like this, all these stupid feelings of helplessness just accumulated within me and left me sinking deeper and deeper each day.. Every time I hear a bad news from her again, I can't help but pray, "Why can't life give her a break?"

She's not the only friend of mine that's having problems too. Tingwei's having problems with her friends too. Her friends are starting to annoy the hell outta me to be honest. -.- And all this just pisses the fuck out of me cause there is really NOTHING I can do to help the situation and even if I wanted to be there for them, I can't because bloody stinking school exists.

I worry sometimes. She has handled a lot and she is a strong person, but for how long can she remain sturdy? How long more till she reaches her limit? How long more before she finally breaks down? I'm scared. I don't want her to be alone when she breaks down. Yet, what can I even say when I'm beside her? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I've refrained from saying which friend of mine is having a problem on purpose. It's her personal matters so I won't divulge anything without her permission so don't bother asking, haha. Anyway, like I was saying, all this stupid feelings accumulated within me and soon, I exploded.

I'm gonna say a real good thank you post to two of my dearest friends here even though one will never see it because she doesn't even know my blog url to begin with.

To Suu Swen:

Thank you, thank you and really thank you. I tweeted you even though you were busy. I spammed your Facebook messages and flooded your inbox. Still, you never scolded me. You sat there on the other end, listening to my problems, analysing my feelings, and infecting me with your positive energy.

"Stay calm and assertive." 

You'll always say, borrowing the words of Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. When I found out Vernise first died, you comforted me. When I was troubled over my impeding test, you encouraged me. When I was on the brink of just breaking down and crying, you stood by me, listening to me ranting it all out. I'm immensely grateful. So so thankful.

We met because of Dong Bang Shin Ki, yet ironically, we rarely talked about DBSK in our private messages. You've been like a real sister to me, guiding me when I'm lost, showing me the way when I'm trapped in the past, unable to move on.

Thank you. :)

Cause I can't say anything other than those two words. Cause even those two words aren't enough to express my gratitude to you. Cause I'm just so happy and so glad that I've met you out of the many people in Singapore. :)

GOMAWO UNNI~

Saranghaeyo~

To Tingwei:

YOYO! *claps* haha. Thanks for listening to me that day yeah? I was somewhat crying that day haha. Don't ask me why. I think I'm just plain crazy. I just hate it when all the negative thoughts just rush up my head and I'm just trying to do everything to block it but they just won't go away. :( Yet you never left, and you always listened, so thank you. :)

And I'm stuck here with this short passage to give you because I really don't know how to phrase the feelings I'm experiencing right now. This feeling of utter warmth, how do I even explain it? :) I can only wish that we'll be friends forever and forever and forever...

AND EVER~

And we'll live happily ever after, each with our very own Prince Charmings.  We'll grow old together, lose our teeth together, grow wrinkles together, create more happy memories together!

Cause you know something?

I really won't be me without you. :)

So thank you for all those Ion trips we always make together. Thank you for all the talks we have when we're both depressed over our future. Thank you for listening to me despite making you emo. :) Thankkkk youuu for all the times we had together haha! :D

*claps for self*

Touched yeah? :D I'm even more happy when you said that TOUCCHHIINGGG speech of yours though. :) But where's my part two? I WANT MY PART TWO!! :( *demands and pulls wings* Heehee.

And to Shimin,

It's not that I don't care okay? It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you either. I'm just not used to finding you in school I guess? I don't know. We never had such open display of closeness of friendship before haha. We've always been bitchy I guess I forgot how to be sweet to you. :P Gomenasai~ :X

And to Michelle,

Please bring your anti histamin wherever you go okay? Don't make me worry over your freaking hives or I'll really take a knife and stab you! Thanks for being there always. Love ya. ^^

And to Yilian,

Your letters... They always never fail to brighten up my day.. :) Let's spend more time together okay? We both only.. We have A LOT of things to catch up on. :DD

And to Elsie,

STOP BEING EMO OH GOD! And bitch we needa meet up yeah? Bitch about life cause life is a bitch. :) Let's go eat your Mos Burger or something. It's been renovated lol. Maybe you'll like the new design?

And to Sien,

Sorry for not texting ya kay? You're busy and I didn't wanna disturb you. Haha. My feelings were off the radar anyway and I did mention before that I tend to avoid you and Shimin cause you both are like auto tuners to feelings lol! Superrrr sensitive to others' feelings. :P Hang out sometime soon yeah?

And to Sheryl,

Sorry for replying coldly that day. I was sleeping. :P I can work on Friday actually. We'll see if you see this blog post haha. If you see it, I'm fated to work. If you don't, I won't. :) TEEHEE~

And to Nelli,

I look forward to the day when I can let down all my barriers around you. For now, I still remain cautious. I don't know. Compared to the fear of you leaking out my secrets and stuff, I think the only fear I have of you is that you'll just ditch me again. Time will tell, I guess.

And to Amelia,

Let's work hard together okay? We must conquer the fear of procrastination together! GO GO GO!! ^^