fickle friendships

Was complaining to Tingwei on Facebook regarding a mystery person. (There's a chance that she's reading this blog, no matter how slim it is so I shall not risk it.)

I like didn't freaking realise that I was hurt until when Tingwei said that if it was her, when faced with those words, she'll feel hurt too. Then I was like, BAHOOOMM!!! I'm hurt! 0.0

It was such a foreign feeling I swear. I mean yes, I do feel sad. Yes, I've got hurt before. I'm not an idiot who has a low EQ you know? It's just that out of all the friends I have, I didn't expect her to hurt me.

I believed she did not do that intentionally, and I'm hoping I'm being oversensitive here. Oh gee. Elsie, NOW I SOUND JUST LIKE YOU WITH MY BRAIN WORKING IN OVERDRIVE. :(

But really, friendship is such a fickle thing. Suddenly, you can be as close as hell. The next moment, it's like as though you never knew the person. If I've known it would be like this, perhaps I wouldn't have gotten close to many people in my life.

Sighs. Great, great great. Now I sound like a pessimist, ranting about how pathetic little me is. I hate this. :( Friends are like really important to me in my life. People who know me well would know that. I would do anything, short of killing, if you're my friend. Plus, I don't let go of friendships easily either. (look at a certain Sheryl Ho.)

So why is it that I feel like all of my friends are drifting away from me? Why is it that I feel like sometimes, it's better to be without friends? Whatever the answer is, I came to this conclusion that maybe, maybe I should just seal up my heart again. Like wtf, why leave it open to hurt and leave scars?

I'm not proud of who I was, and certainly despise it to the core. All those foolish things I used to do, even now, I find it hard to acknowledge that I was once like that. Yes, I once was an emo kid who slashes herself and now I hate the scars so much I wanna rip it off my skin.

Lies? I'm tired of lying. I hate it when my parents choose to believe in what I say than what they see. This shows an ultimate level of trust. I wonder if they will send me to the mental hospital if they found out I used to cut.

Alright. This entry is getting pointless. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore. Loss of friendships? Hatred over past self? Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore does it?

Michelle told me this: Angie said that she didn't want me to come back cause she's scared I'll scare away the sec ones.

Actually, Zhengyang said the exact same shit too. I thought about it, pondered it for a while, then I came to the conclusion that there was truth in their words. The band would be better off without me.

So yes, I most likely will not be going to the band camp. What I desire is already not there, and going is just a futile journey, so why bother? I want to spend time with my family and friends, but if all of my friends turns out like the mysterious person, then I figured maybe it'll be better without them.

Family rules, of course. :)

Alright. Gotta go. BYE.