Gratitude

Hey guys, how are you all doing? Sorry I haven't been blogging for a while. I'm pretty much swamped with homework, projects and examinations these days. The stress has been piling up with the workload and I won't lie, all those bad thoughts that I thought I was over with came back.

No. I'm not talking about cutting haha. I'm truly over that. I'm talking about other things in general. For example, self-identity and self worth. I pondered about that a lot during the course of the few days. Chatting with Sien always helps, she gives me what I would call a reality check. Have I been setting my priorities wrong? Have I been making the wrong choices in life? Have I?

At times, life really seems too much to handle. Expectations from parents, expectation from teachers, looming deadlines.. EVERYTHING IS JUST SO FAST PACED IT MAKES ME WANNA HIDE AWAY FROM THE WORLD CAUSE SOMETIMES ALL YOU WANT IS JUST A DAMN BREAK. Then I thought to myself, "When's my next break? When's the next time I'm gonna have to be able to relax and just take a breather?"

The truth is, there's none. Somehow or another, I've managed to jam pack all my timings such that I really have no space to breathe before I'm doing the next thing on the agenda. Let's make a list shall we? I'm somehow working part time while I'm studying full time as a student. I love to write and would take an effort to upload fics once in a while. Now, how much time does that leave me? Virtually none. I've been procrastinating on everything I feel so horrible about my grades, time management issues and just everything in general. EVERYTHING.

Life gets in the way a lot. I don't get much time to spend with my true friends too. Being in poly life, I won't lie. It's stressful. For the longest of times, I've been trying to sugar coat my life but now that I think about it, it is that bad now, isn't it? I thought that if I tried to make my life seem better, I would feel better and my friends would feel good too. Well, surprise surprise! It doesn't work that way. Life still sucks huh? :)

Tingwei was rather unfortunate. I usually tend to hold all those negative thoughts in until I can bear it no longer and Tingwei was forced to take the brunt of it. I think her phone was spammed by me until she didn't have a chance to reply haha. I was frustrated. Strike that. I still AM frustrated. I don't understand how I can get disappointed time and time again yet still leave my heart out there to trust that individual. I don't get it. I don't get how I can worry about my friends more than they worry about me. Elsie, I read your blog. Trust me. I feel the same too.

Let's take my friend for example. I'm just gonna name her 'friend' cause I don't want you guys guessing who she is. I don't want to divulge any information. Until the day I feel that she's not worth it anymore, I won't release her name. You can keep guessing. I won't say a shit. Anyway, back to this friend of mine. I had China Studies test today and she texted me at 6plus, asking me how did my test go.

Now, you would think that as an act of concern now would you? Of course I did. Me being the dumb idiot that I truly am. I told her I was going to fail that test cause I didn't know shit and she still continued the conversation you know? Saying that she hopes it wouldn't be a high percentage and encouraging me and stuff. Do you know what she said by the third message though?

Heys, my printer ran out of ink. Does your house have a printer?

My heart literally stopped for that instant and I started laughing insanely to myself at the roadside. Amelia, oh great Amelia, you've made a fool out of yourself again. You thought she was showing you genuine concern? You're so wrong man. She just wants your fucking printer. Oh yeah. She even mentioned that she would pay me back for it. I'm sorry. I really don't want your money. Don't you know? All I want is fucking friendship. Not all this lies and pretense.

At times like this, I get really tired. Why am I always harping on this issue of friendship? Wouldn't it be easier for me if I just let it go, if I stopped caring? At times like this, I wanna give up. I wanna curl up and just ask the world to leave me alone. I've turned selfish. More so than I was in secondary school.

Then, as low as I can get, I turned on my whatsapp and all those messages started flooding in. I start reading about how low Cassandra (Cassie) is feeling. I read about how stressed out SuuSwen is. I read Elsie's blog and empathize with her situation. Just like that, I can feel strength seeping into me. Just like that, I turned into the comforter instead of the victim.

And when I'm more rational and more open minded, I remember that that friend of mine told me she never had a true friend before so she never knew how to treat one properly. Yes. I knew that. Yet I still became frustrated. I should have been more patient but I lost my temper. I'm so dumb. I lost it at just one SMS, damning the world to hell. I forgot how patient she was in listening to me rant about DBSK. I forgot how she was also cursing the school wifi system when my handphone couldn't load Junsu's Incredible MV. I forgot all the little things that she did for me, and in the end, it's those little things that matter don't it?

It can be quick to judge. It can be easy to do so. I can easily deem the person as unworthy to be my friend but the truth is, is she really? Who are you to pass such a judgement anyway? You do not know what the other person has been through, You do not know the challenges faced by that person. You do not know what groomed that person to be what she/he is today. How can you presume? How can you judge?

I've always pride myself on being open minded but perhaps I ain't really after all. I still can't look people in the eye when they are transsexuals. I can't help but stare at them. I can't help the disappointment when Carity told me she didn't have enough discipline to quit smoking. I can't help what I feel. I can't help thinking all those negative thoughts sometimes too. I can't help wishing I didn't exist sometimes. The most important point I'm trying to make here is: You can't help what you feel, but you certainly can help how you react to that particular feeling or situation.

I can feel disappointment in Carity but I won't let this disappointment stop me. I know one day she'll quit smoking. I believe in her for that. I believe that one day she'll find the discipline and she'll quit. Call me a fool but faith is what keeps me going most of the time. After all, ain't DBSK's situation as equally hopeless as well? It's okay though. The phrase "Always Keep The Faith" keeps me getting through every single day.

Perhaps it's really easier to be alone sometimes. Perhaps it's really easier if we do not have any form of social interaction at all. There will be no hurt, no pain, no disappointments, no fear. But, if that was the case, how would our lives be any different from a robot's? How would it? It wouldn't would it? I've gotta make my life count for something right?

And it did.

I read every post whenever my friends post about me. I love it when I've impacted my friends lives in a positive way. I love it when they smile, when they laugh, when I managed to stop their tears, etc etc. I love helping people. I guess you can say that's what I hope to be doing in the future? :)

I love helping animals too but if I were to be honest, they help me more than I help them. They heal me. I can never do that. I may be able to heal them physically but they have helped me in so much more ways than that. It's at times like this that I'm thankful I'm in this course, thankful for the life lessons it's giving me. Just being plain thankful. :')

Now, examples of the SWEET things my friends have said about me:

Tingwei:

hihi! <3 you. Romantic birdie starts her romantic speech:

*coughcough*

*adjusts bow tie*

*speaks in a grand voice*

" for times like this~ i'm happy and glad that you're here for me~ because i don't really share much besides you and laabit~

and

*continues back into the mood*

*smiles*

and how i wish that twitter got like fb the function where you can block certain posts from people~ because like sometimes you want to post something but it's regarding that person then lol. so like i would just bottle up and then complain to you hehe

and now hammie disappears after part one of speech

sadly

lol!

Yilian:

Everything's so much better now. School today's so much beter than yesterday, Judo today is so much better than last week. Maybe I really can survive this year. Maybe things are really not as bad as I thought. Last night meet up with Amelia really helped a lot. Just when I was at my lowest, at the right moment, Amelia showed up. I'm really grateful for that. :D This is what I call a true friend. I guess it's true. It is not because other people don't want to approach you. It is because you are so involved in your own thoughts that at the same time, your body is unconsciously telling people to stay away from you. There are actually many people out there waiting to be your friend. Today, I am myself. And I am happy. So Let go of all your insecurities and worries. Just let go, And everything will be fine. :D P.S. Having a good night sleep helps a lot too. HEHE :D

Elsie:

Question 6: How do you maintain a strong friendship? Actually it's you who kinda taught me that lol I've never ever asked an old friend out to like dinner and stuff and after you did that to me only then I realise OMG DINNER ACTUALLY WORKS EVEN IF IT WAS EATING SHIT FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES AS LONG AS WE MET AND TALKED TOGETHER
and so it was you who kinda inspired the whole Winnie cake meetup the Harry Potter outing Hot Fudge Hotcakes with Hazel! me agreeing to going to dinner with old friends XD asking Guek to go shopping with me etc our Bishan cycling making presents and gifts the sand project making cards
likee aww finally some human moments where I feel human
where I can chatter away
omg I feel like crashing Winnie's house during June with a bloody cake just to piss her off LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL and say it's a super early birthday celebration cause September we'll have no time and just bitch on her bed YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU WANNA I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS BUT LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Michelle: (her birthday surprise)

Ah ma asked me to close my eyes and she led me ( I feared for my life that I will bang onto smth as Ah Ma doesn't have the best directions in the world) to this pavilion ( I think its called that or a gazebo) then, allowed me to open my eyes. Lets say I was damn shocked to see a board with all my photos with my friends posted on it and letters too. Well too shocked to notice some people sneaking up on me and suddenly popped at me. I screamed like a pansy... -.-

Hahas, well.. I was damn surprised to see Shimin & Tingwei behind me... And they even roped my brother into it.

What a birthday surprise... Hahas the best I received in my whole life! XD

Well, I loved every moment of it except for the cake bashing part by Amelia and Shimin -.-

Hahas Ting Wei was laughing the whole way... Thanks! ><

And many other more moments as well. :) Thanks for making me feel the best, guys. :)

Some quotes for you guys:

"Even after a long time I won’t be able to say “I Love You” because I am shy. But, I cherish the inerasable memories that we cried and laughed together even when darkness draws near."

- I Swear, HoMin

" Even if a painful fate finds us, even if we are choked in that pain.. Me, who can comfort all those pains, will only love you more."

- Picture of You, DBSK

"If you're here beside me, even the depths of my heart would be comfortable with this gentle feeling. Even if violent rain falls down and strong winds blow about, I'll go out to protect this love. If we're together we can surely overcome all; could I have thought like that at first? So I don’t let go of this hand, I'll always gaze carefully at time."

-Proud, DBSK

"More than the ones with me during those truly painful moments and those that joined me in sadness,
Those that were always waiting for me, who else other than them could all the more be my friends?"

- Gosenshi, DBSK

Credits:

And lastly,

b a b y - b r e a t h s

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Gratitude

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